//------------------------------// // As roommates go, she's a pain in the butt. // Story: Rainbow is a Roommate // by A Random Guy //------------------------------// Have you ever had an empty fridge? It’s a pain in the butt. You open it, look inside, find a bottle of mustard and maybe a packet of swiss, close it and try to find something else to eat. Well great, maybe you can get something from the pantry, or the cupboard, or between the couch cushions. Then you walk all the way back to the fridge, open it up again, and start the whole process over again. It’s some sort of predestination bull in which I always end up back at the fridge. Mouse finds fridge, finds no cheese, runs through the maze, finds the fridge again, still no cheese. I think even my window peeper guy thinks the whole ordeal is sad, and that’s a creep who thinks everything a lady does in her home is everything but sad. Welp, my hair looks like a mop, that rules out leaving the house for dinner. It’s not like there are options beyond McDonalds. I was half-way into convincing myself to order a pizza when my roommate decided to walk up behind me. “Oh right, I was gonna run to the store today. I knew I forgot something.” I look behind me to see none other than Rainbow… something. I keep forgetting her last name. I think it’s Blitz, or was that her cousin? As far as roommates go, Rainbow is… a roommate. Neither good or bad, just has her unexpected moments. Unexpected as in a, “Huh, I didn’t expect that,” kind of way, not, “Why the hell is there a magical portal to Tartarus in the kitchen?” She likes beef jerky, which I didn’t expect at first. Now I see her chewing on some jerky whenever she’s in the house, like right now. Here she is, pulling a piece of jerky from the pantry, gnawing at it while I’m stuck in a maze trying to find my cheese. As far as roommates go, I kind of hate her right now. “Ain’t that peachy.” Bending over and looking through the fridge didn’t hide the rumble my in stomac. “I’ll order a pizza. Meat supreme, right?” Rainbow looked up as she mulled over her jerky. “I feel like Chinese night tonight. Could you order Judge Po?” “Do you want the kung po pork?” “Beef stir fry.” I gave a little nod before slamming the fridge door. “Beef stir fry it is.” Rainbow smiled with half a jerky hanging out of her mouth, and then trotted off into the living room to do whatever ponies do when waiting for back-alley Chinese delivery. The TV burst to life in the other room, blaring the intro to Panty and Stocking. Apparently, the main characters in that show looked like her friends. If she had a purple-haired goth and a blonde bimbo as friends… actually, I would hardly be surprised if that was the case. I pulled out my phone and punched in the Judge Po number, Rainbow gets her jerky and I get my opposable fingers, when the door knocked. “I’ll get it,” I called out. I didn’t have to say that. I’m the only one who ever answers the door. Considering what species my roommate is, it’s better to keep her away from the door at all times. Who knows, it could be a guy pitching for an Equestrian endorsement spot for some unrelated brand. The door knocked a second time before I opened it. The person waiting wasn’t an enthusiastic recruiter, or a person for that matter. “Hi Maddie,” a voice squealed. Nope, she was another genuine, pure blood pony from the magical land of who cares. I think I’ve seen this one before, fluffy mane, entirely pink, perpetual smile. It’s hard to forget her name. “Hey Rainbow! Pinkie’s here to see you.” I don’t know if that darn pegasus heard me. You could hear one of Garnerbelt’s famous speeches blaring from the TV two rooms away. Might as well have an idle conversation while I wait. “Hi Pinkie, how’s the trip?” “It was zippidy doo da!” I noticed she’s been working on her inside voice. “We were in Equestria, then we zipped off in a spell to ippidy through the fabric of space-time to doo whatever we did to get here to come and say ta-Da, we made it!” “So I-80 wasn’t backed up today?” “Nah, we took the back roads. You should drive by the river. Fluttershy saw a duck family waddle through- Hey Rainbow Dash!” “Sup Pinkie.” I walked away from the door as the pegasus took my place. As far as roommates go, Rainbow is exclusive when it came to her friends. Sure, she didn’t butt you out of the conversation, but they talk about things that just go over my head. I think it’s because they talk a lot about parties and stuff like that, with the occasional tale about saving a town with a friendship lesson. The kitchen was mine again, though the jerky took up a good bit of counter space. Curse the jerky, it follows me everywhere. It’s weird, I never see Rainbow with her jerky when a friend opens a door. One moment she’s happily chewing on it, the next it’s hidden out of sight. She even manages to hide the bad breath jerky gives you, which may be due to pony magic. Come to think of it, she never eats meat of any kind when a friend is over. She always insists on a vegetable casserole when a pony friend stays to eat. Huh, weird. I pick up my phone and dial Judge Po again. “Judge Po,” the voice answers me, “We do convictions and take out. You calling about the convictions or the take out?” “Hi, could I get an orange rice paddie?” “Orange paddy, anything else?” “Also, can you bring a beef stir fry dish. That’ll be all.” “Paddy and stir fry, that’ll be fifteen dollars. Are you registered with us to practice law? You can get a meaty discount.” I tell him my information and make the purchase over the phone. Rainbow came into the kitchen about the same time I hung up. “Chinese is on its way,” I said, nodding to the general direction Judge Po’s is located. “Is Pinkie eating with us?” She shook her head as she plopped a piece of jerky in her mouth. It’s weird how her hair looks decent even if she messes it up. Makes me want to be a pony, no more hair care, magic will take care of me. “She already ate. And I won’t be eating either. I’ll be going for a few days. Some giant bird named Raw is attacking Equestria. The Elements of Harmony are needed.” “What!? I just paid the order! The beef stir fry! I can’t eat that.” Rainbow shrugged, throwing her jerky into the pantry. “Save it for leftovers. There’s nothing to eat here anyways.” “But I’m a vegetarian!” Too late. The pegasus had flown out of the house too quick to hear me, leaving a rainbow trail through the hall. From the other room, I could hear the cackling of the sinister Scanty and malicious Kneesocks. As far as roommates go, Rainbow Dash is a pain in the butt.