Alright, Starswirl, I thought as I stepped out of the library and into the autumn breeze, What are you going to do? You have class in two days, that should be ample time to make your decision. My walk turned to a trot as the stress of the decision bore down on my mind. My thoughts swirled faster as I tried to make sense of the world that my mind was forcing itself into. I was finally realizing that my destiny did not lie in what society had told me to become. With every step I took I began to realize that I was more than just what society wanted me to be. I was to become something great, and that thought filled me with supreme hope and dread.
I had been given a supreme directive from the hive that I was to be as the rest. I was to do my schoolwork, cultivate the land, and die knowing that I fed ponies. Everypony around me said that I was follow the trail that had been set for me in the ruts of society, but I was beginning to doubt that age old saying. I was ready to rise above the rest and to conquer the world in a way that that would fulfil me. That path, however, was untested and dangerous. I knew of the dangers that my actions would pose, and I was as afraid of them as I was eager to confront each one.
As these thoughts grew in my mind, I let my body run by itself through the school. My thoughts were abruptly ended as a new. I hadn’t entered that populated area since day one, and I was hesitant about repeating the incident. So many bad memories were wrapped up in that place that I had not ventured back. I was weary as I began to question that decision to stay away from the center. Things are different now, I told myself as I let my legs bring me to the front doors of the center. I was ready to face that giant that once again stood in my path. You can do this.
As I stepped into the center, I realized that I still knew no one. There was not a single pony in sight that I really knew, and I was unable to find anypony that was as alone as I. For several awkward minutes, I strolled around the center, trying to find somepony who deemed me worthy to talk to. I saw a few ponies, several of which were disconnected from the rest, and I avoided them just the same but for another reason. For some reason I was completely fine with keeping myself away from those ponies. I hadn’t integrated before, and now it seemed all but impossible.
I didn’t want to be ‘that stallion,’ the one who who tried to socialize after the social boundaries had been established. I wanted to be part of that friendship I saw every day around me. Somehow, they seemed to all be equal, and I felt that I had earned a place in their ranks. However, I couldn’t bring myself to join them.
I watched from the sidelines I had been so accustomed to only to find that my place was still here. Despite my desire, I felt an urge to keep myself away from them. I have no idea why I did this, but the thoughts that swirled around my head were so confused and so terrified that I could not bring myself to simply walk up and join them in their discussion. I believed that I couldn’t be a part of them, and that feeling brought me to a place where I felt excluded once more. I continued to watch from the sidelines, to live my life alone and equal.
I turned to the door once more, defeated in my thoughts that I could possibly be part of that group. As I strode out of the student center, I realized that I had been looking in the section dominated by earth ponies. The division was sharp, but it seemed to be blurred ever so slightly. It wasn’t like the union, or the library, the ponies seemed a little less segregated than before.
“Hey!” a feminine voice said from behind me.
I didn’t turn around, assuming the mare mean to call somepony else from the crowd instead of myself.
“Hey you!” she called out once more.
The urge to turn my head grew stronger, my mind desiring somepony to actually talk to me. Just ignore it, I thought as I placed my hoof on the door.
“What’s his name… Starswirl!”
I froze, the half open door letting a few stray leaves spill into the building. I was shocked that a pony would actually be calling my name. Naturally I turned to face the pony calling out to me. It was Amethyst, the mare from my advanced theoretical magic class.
“Hey,” I muttered halfheartedly as I leaned into the door more., “I was just on my way out.”
“Oh?” Her voice almost seemed disappointed at my impending departure.
“Yeah… I have a few things to take care of.”
“Alright, but if you want, you can spend some time with us,” she offered as she pointed to the group of unicorns that sat around one of the tables in the massive lobby. I didn’t recognize it at the time, but each one of them was in that same advanced theoretical magic class.
“No thanks.” I inwardly cringed at my response. I knew I was coming across as an asshole, but I could do nothing to stop myself.
“I totally understand,” she said with a genuine smile, “have a good day!”
As she trotted back toward that small group of unicorns my mind fought itself once more. I needed to make a decision about who I was to become, but I also been given the opportunity to join a group of that class that I had always strived for. I slowly pushed the door open and stepped outside into the evening. It wasn’t much colder outside, but a chill raced down my spine. I looked back through the glass door to see Amythest rejoining the group.
She seemed almost downtrodden at my refusal. She sat herself onto one of the chairs and gestured toward me, directing the gaze of the others to where I stood beyond the glass. They all looked just as disappointed as Amethyst. I knew I had things to do, I had big decisions to make and lots of thinking along the way. A few minutes wouldn’t hurt. I surrendered to myself as I entered the student center once more.
An energy seemed to flow through my body as I trotted toward the group. I had finally been given that chance to participate in the group that I had sought after for so long. It was finally a chance for me to become what I had always wanted to be.
As I reached the group and the first unicorn noticed me, my confidence drove me to speak. “Hey,” I said as casually as my racing adrenaline would allow.
“Afternoon,” one cheerfully responded as he slid to make room on the couch. “Glad you could join us.”
“Yeah,” I whispered as I looked around at the smiling faces. It was the first time in months that I had felt truly accepted by a group. They wanted me there and I was going to stay. I was part of their group.
I hadn’t realized the silence until Amethyst finally broke it. “So…” she said, lingering on the vowel.
“Hmm?”
“Well… We were just wondering…”
Another stallion spoke up. “We were just wondering why you showed up to our class? You are an earth pony after all.”
The mention of my race startled me a bit, but I brushed it aside as the rest of the group scowled at him.
Amethyst spoke up once more. “What Quartz means to say is that… well… why did you come to our class?”
“Well…” I started as I tried to summarize my own journey of self discovery. “I just wanted to know what Professor Evenstar meant by ‘While earth ponies can hypothesize on theoretical magic.’”
“So you weren’t trying to… you know…” She bit her lip. It slowly became obvious that the entire group was waiting for her to ask the one question they had all wondered.
“Trying to what?” I asked, trying to break the silence that descended onto the group.
“Well… There was an incident a while back,” Quartz started. “Where another earth pony tried to attend our class.”
“Really? Evenstar indicated I was the first one.”
Quartz spoke up once more, his voice grave.“Well, that is incorrect. A few years ago there was another earth pony who is rumored to have attended Evenstar’s advanced theoretical magic class. He seemed to have potential, but he also had an ulterior motive.”
“Ulterior motive?”
“He had another underlying desire. He didn’t just want to learn magic,” Quartz offered.
“Oh, I understand what ulterior means.”
“O—Oh, sorry…” he said as his cheeks grew red.
I didn’t realize it at the time, but looking back on that remark I discovered that he was struggling to battle the racism that had been taught to him all of his life. I think every one of those ponies was somehow fighting their own thoughts inside their mind, trying to keep the hateful thoughts at bay. Luckily, I was blissfully unaware of their prejudices.
“Either way,” he continued, “the stallion ended up being kicked out of the class by order of the Union.”
“Why?”
“Well, the Union said one thing, but the students saw another. Aparently, the earth pony was continually deriding his own race.”
“Well that wouldn’t be an issue today…”
I could sense the rest of them growing uncomfortable. It was difficult enough for them to invite me into their circle, but now I was confirming the one thing they were trying so desperately to avoid.
“We just wanted to warn you,” Amethyst said, her gaze focused on the ground. “Don’t cross Evenstar. Don’t get us wrong, we absolutely love him, but we think he used his position in the council to get the student ejected.”
“Well who was this student?”
“He was the son of Professor Oaks, the finance teacher.” A heavy silence descended onto the group.
The mention of my finance professor pulled my mind back to the time when I had followed him to the cafeteria. “You know,” I started as I recalled that painful first day. “I ate in the cafeteria with him on the first day of school. We were talking about…” I bit my lip.
“About what?”
I realized that the topic we had been discussing was one that the ponies around me were trying to avoid. I didn’t want to say it, I didn’t want to alienate myself from this group, but I couldn’t stop my tongue. “He has a sore spot for your kind” Immediately I regretted my words. I could feel the uneasiness rise even higher. They were fighting themselves in order to hold a conversation with an earth pony, and I had introduced that very notion that they were above me.
After several long seconds, Amethyst broke the silence. “I think we are all pretty uncomfortable with that subject.” She looked at me with a caring plea of silence. “Maybe we should save that topic for another time.”
“O— Oh, okay. Yeah, sure.” I felt as though I had been hit in the face with a bag of bricks. I wanted so bad to be included in their group, but I only ended up damaging the relationship beyond repair. After an agonizingly long minute, I rose to my hooves. “I have some things I need to work out. Thanks for letting me know about Evenstar.”
“Sure,” Amethyst said as she continued to stare at the ground.
As I left the student center, my mind could only repeat that incident over and over in my head. I had made a fool of myself and I had pushed my newfound friends away in one fell swoop. It was over, and I knew it. I trudged back to my dorm, a new question forming in my mind. This one was even more powerful than the last, and as I sat down at my familiar desk, I quickly scribbled it onto the page. Do you belong?