Desperation

by RainbowBob


Chapter 1: It's R&B Songs From The Late 90's

To be perfectly honest, I didn’t even like Princess Twilight Sparkle. And I mean, like, like like her. You know what I’m saying? Yeah, like, what I’m saying is that I like her but don’t like her in that way in which you like someone else. That makes sense, right?

I mean, seriously, we just bumped into each other once—which was totally her fault, mind you—and ever since that day she hasn’t left me alone since. It’s really annoying. And not just regular annoying but annoying on the verge of just plain creepy. It keeps me up at night. The insomnia is the cruel mistress of my life, and apparently I was cheating on her with Twilight. I… think. To be even more perfectly honest, I’ve stopped thinking coherently weeks ago. Ever since the day I saw… her.

Oh wait, I’m still thinking about Twilight. Obviously because she can’t stop thinking about me! Everywhere I go I see her. Like, last month she was visiting the castle and I made eye contact with her! Super freaky, I know. It lasted for all of five seconds and I was left with goosebumps crawling across my skin like insects begging to rip out of my thin outer shell ever since. And just the other week I went on a train ride with Princess Cadance where we stopped off at Ponyville and there she was at the train station. She made eye contact with me again. At that point I knew nothing could be done about this. Only one solution now.

I’d have to bite the metaphorical bullet and marry her. Metaphorically speaking it will probably hurt a lot and I’ll need extensive dental care afterwards.

Now, it might seem strange, but this was a strange sort of princess we’re talking about. Plus, who would dare deny what a princess clearly wants? I’m a military colt and it’s been drilled in my head “What a princess wants a princess gets.” The most I ever thought this would amount to would be opening a door or begrudgingly giving up the last puddingpop, but no, apparently it affects marriage as well.

I can’t say I’m actually surprised; I am quite handsome and successful. Every day I look myself in the mirror I know what I have to keep safe: the goods. That chiseled chin was my ticket to happiness, I knew this well. And who could forget those remarkable cheekbones? Not I, of course. And those eyes with a shade of blue brighter than the freshest of spring pools? Yeah, I totally get lost in them whenever I spot them. Oh, and dear Celestia, the mane! So soft, so plush, and undoubtedly the silkiest in all of Equestria. I use a special shampoo that has honey and the tears of virgins between the ages of twelve to sixteen in it for that especially shiny look to it. Sure, I spend most if not all my money on it, but beauty is worth it.

But it appears my own hubris has led me astray! The damnable tragic hero of this tale appears to be I, Flash Sentry, and my downfall being a ball and chain! Can’t say I’m too disappointed it was a princess who decided to throw herself so adamantly on me, but hot damn shall I miss my once legendary bachelor days.

What a dream it was to live…

Ah, oh well, I still had a job to do: woo the princess with my exceptional wooing skills so that she may be decidedly wooed enough for her to say yes to my marriage proposal. I’m sure she would have accepted had I simply said yes, but wooing is an ancient art that require a specific ritual to complete for maximum wooes.

First, you have to throw a brick through the window of the one you wish to woo. This alerts them of your intents for wooing. Once they arrive at the broken window and stare at you furiously, which Twilight was currently doing right now, you take the next step. Take out a boombox and play the time-honored theme song of your people that have been passed down through the ages and ages hence in a tradition older than most countries that stand today.

My song, of course, was “My Body” by the legendary musical genius Keith Sweat.

Don’t ask me why, it just works.

So there I sat, boombox over my head, the eternal question of asking that who I wish to who if she’d like—and in these exact words—to have “My body all over your body.” And once Twilight had walked down the stairs of her treehouse and appeared at the front door in the dim illumination of a streetlight, I knew my wooing ways had worked.

What happened next could only be described as nirvanha. It was her body alright, and it was all over my body, and boy oh boy was she my babe. My body was on hers, her body was on mine, and shucks, who knew whose body was on whose by the end of it. Yes indeed, my woo techniques could not be beat, and it was all thanks to the greatest master of them all, Keith Sweat.

Oh, and then we kissed a bunch and she called me her husbando. Then she said she loved me. The end.


The hardened criminals stuck inside the ever so tiny jail cell stared at the newest occupant. Flash Sentry smiled at them, despite missing a few teeth and having a rather large shiner on his right eye.

“So,” one of the criminals muttered,” she called you her ‘husbando’ and then she said she loved ya?”

“Correctomundo,” Flash answered. Blood was still pooling out from a wide cut on his lip due to one of his front teeth being broken in half, but from the gleefulness of his grin he didn’t seem to mind.

“And this has nothin’ to do with you being in jail for trespassing and disturbing the peace?”

“No way, no how.”

“And the black eye and broken teeth?”

“Something hard hit my face.”

All the criminals shared looks. Flash blissfully stared off into the distance with an absent look in his eyes. Finally, one of the criminals leaned close to his buddy and whispered, “Holy Celestia, I can’t believe it. This dude got lucky with a princess.”

“Totally.”

“Undoubtedly.”

“Indubitably.”

“Lucky son of a bitch.”

“I can’t feel the right side of my face.”

“So the answer was Keith Sweat all along. This makes an unbelievably large amount of sense.”


Okay, yeah, I guess what I did was kinda sorta bad. I mean, really, was it all my fault? No way, no how.

Now, see here, I was minding my own business sleeping and dreaming all sorta of neat stuff (something about robot pirates and an island, I think), when out of nowhere a brick smashed through the window and hit my head. Now, concussion aside, I knew this only meant one thing.

A wooening was about to commence.

It was that Flash dude, too. Man, what a loser. He’d been chasing after Twilight the past month or so and couldn’t even take a hint she had no interest in him whatsoever. I mean, how much of a pathetic moron can you get when you blindly chase after a mare who clearly don’t replicate your feelings for them? That’s just straight up pitiful, and I wished more than anything Twilight would just tell him the truth, but she never does! Jeez, mares are weird.

Anyway, no way I was going to let this happen. I knew what would commence next: Keith Sweat and then kissy-pony-faces, of course. No one could resist the sweet, succulent lullaby of passion that was that man’s voice.

So, thinking about myself (and a little about Twilight, but really, mostly about myself), I knew I had to end it. If his wooing was successful, that means he’d get to live in the treehouse! Maybe even in Twilight’s bed! And Twilight might even try to get my to brotherly bond with him in the most awkward of ways that completely wastes an afternoon fishing at the lake! Or worse!

I have to move in with… ugh, Twilight’s parents!

I couldn’t let this happen. So, of course, I did the responsible measures in assuring his wooing would never succeed. First, I called the cops and reported him from trespassing and going through our garbage can trying to steal our credit card info from discarded bills. Then, I threw that same brick that had inflicted upon me such a grievous of head injuries right back at him! Sweet, sweet justice was served.

Afterwards some cops came and dragged him away while Twilight was bawling her eyes out. I suspect about three days of grieving should be a good enough window as any. I’ll probably get her some ice cream and put on some “Desperate Housewives of Canterlot” for her to vent to.

Man, Spike, you’re one heck of a devious genius!

Wait… I’m speaking in the third person now. Yeeeeeeah, the concussion was worse than I thought. Better ice it.


My heart was pounding. Like, literally pounding on my rib cage, begging to be released. It didn’t want to live in my sin-filled body anymore, and how could I blame it? I had lost everything all because of one simple mistake.

I won’t lie, I like Flash Sentry. And by like, I mean like like him, you know? He reminded me so much of someone else I had met only earlier that day. I believe his name was… Drake? It’s hard to say. At the time the shift of size from my normal-sized pony brain to a large cranium of a human drastically shifted my perception of the world around me and left me in a surrealism state afterwards. Also, my eyes shrinking to a twice diminished size probably added onto that. Anyway, one thing I was sure of, and it was the moment I saw him.

I loved Flash Sentry. He was just so handsome, so amazing, so… Flashy. Oh dear Celestia, he was everything I could ever want and more. I would drop sly hints to him here and there: staring into his eyes for over ten seconds of a time, stealing his uniform so that I may lose myself in its smell, licking his hairbrush (which tasted oddly of honeycombs and virgin tears ages twelve to sixteen), and even telling all my secrets to the Flash Sentry doll I had made from his mane and coat hair along with his saliva. Mostly his saliva, though.

So when I found a brick which had broken through my window leading to him, my heart was aflutter and I could only shudder as my legs turned to butter as I melted in his eyes. Plus, Keith Sweat is amazing and what mare could possibly resist his charms? Not I, surely.

So it was then that I raced to Flash and assured him he was my husbando for life. He was perfect, and so was his mane, which I instantly grappled onto and shoved inside my mouth. However, all of this was short lived.

Someone evil in intents had thrown a brick at Flash’s face, and instantly the titan of my lovelife fell like a tree used specifically for the purpose of publishing raunchy celebrity magazine articles. Then the police came and whisked my beloved away due to someone calling and pressing charges! There was nothing I could do to prevent them from dragging Flash away, and afterwards I was left with nothing.

There could have been more that I could have done to prevent this! But I just sat back and let it happen. Oh Flash Sentry, love of my life, shining treasure of my existence, exquisite mane all the mares want, forgive me for letting this terrible fate to befall you!


“Yeah, that’s totally what she’s thinking right now,” Flash Sentry told the police officer outside his cell. “So, like, if you’d let me go right now, that’d be greeeeeeat.”

The officer scrunched up his muzzle, causing his large white mustache to scuttle up his face like a giant hairy caterpillar. “Yeah, lemme think ‘bout that.” He nodded a few times and hummed under his breath. “Why, I do believe I got yer answer: Nah.”

Flash banged his hoof against the bars in response, and then immediately pulled his hoof back and bit his lips as he waved his bruised hoof widely in the air. “Son of a… but this is totally unfair! I’m a royal guard, I deserve rights!”

“You’re a royal guard of the Crystal Empire. Big difference.”

“I declare racism!”

“You’re not even a crystal pony.”

“Ethnic racialism then!”

“You’re not even from the Crystal Empire.”

Flash opened his mouth, paused, then merely shrugged. “Well damn, you got me there.”

“Besides, looks like your marefriend is already here.” The guard tipped his head to the front door, where the familiar shadow of a mare could be seen. “She paid for your bail and everything.”

“Flash-senpai!” Twilight said, stepping out of the shadows.

“Twilight-chan!” Flash breathed, his heart fluttering.

“Flash-senpai,” Twilight said once again, her eyes sparkling with lustful intents.

“Twilight-chan,” Flash repeated, his spirits soaring higher than his wings could ever take him.

“Fla--”

“Oh for Celestia’s sake, please, no more,” the guard muttered darkly. He removed a pair of keys from his belt and immediately went to the front of Flash’s cell door. “I’m letting you loose so I don’t have to deal with this bullcrap anymore. Jeez, get a room you--NO NOT THERE!”

At the very moment the guard had unlocked the cell door, Twilight had punched Flash with an intent that was perfectly clear from the mutual body positions.

"THIS IS NOT THE HOURS FOR CONJUGAL VISITS!”

Already around half a dozen guards were upon them, but even that was not enough.

“Hey, break it up you tw--OH DEAR CELESTIA SHE RIPPED MY EAR OFF! GET THE TEAR GAS! WAIT, NO, MUSTARD GAS! ON THE FUCKING DOUBLE!"

“TASE THE SUCKERS!”

“AHHHHHH MY BAAAAAAALLS!”


I opened my eyes. My balls were no longer on fire. But what had happened?

Staring around me, I realized I was seated in a perfectly white chair with a single source of light shining on me, the rest of my surroundings fading to black. But that wasn’t the only black thing near me. For right before me was the most amazing sight I had even seen in all my mortal days.

Keith Sweat.

“Hello,” Keith Sweat said, a playful smile that could make an angel giggle in delight on his lips. His perfectly white teeth were the finest pearls in the world, and his skin was smoother than the most luxurious of chocolates. And when I looked in his eyes I was instantly comforted and knew without a shred of doubt that all was right in this world, that I was finally home where I belonged.

“Duuuuuuuuuuuuuh… hi,” I somehow managed to spit out.

“You’re Flash Sentry, am I right?” Keith Sweat asked.

Oh dear Celestia’s sweet ass, he knew my name! “YES!” I screamed, surprised at the force of my own voice.

“Thought so.” He nodded. “Do you know what happened?”

“I died and went to heaven?”

Keith chuckled and shook his head. “Nah, not for another ten years or so. You were tased in the balls. Possibly the worst place to be tased, whether it be man or pony. And because of such excrutiating pain your soul departed to another plane of existence for a moment or two, which is where you are currently.”

“Wait, what was that about dying in ten years?”

“Anyway,” Keith said, “I’m here to give you advice about wooing.”

“But I thought I was wooing super good,” I said, my ears drooping.

“Oh, you did. Hardcore, too. You were a pro at it,” Keith said, nodding his head. “But it wasn’t the wooing in question. Rather, why you wooed in the first place.”

“To get laid?”

“Well, that’s already a given, isn’t it?”

I couldn’t argue with that. Nodding, I said, “Was it because I wooed to get hitched?”

Keith snapped his fingers and pointed right at me. “Correct. Listen up, brother, you shouldn’t ever, ever woo to get married. Marriage itself is completely lame.”

“Com… completely lame?”

“Word.Bitches be trouble. Mine took most of my money after our marriage fell apart. Then the hoe got her own tv show--Real Housewives of Atlanta or some shit like that. Don't do that shit, man, just ball out and enjoy life. Hoes come and go, but a man's money is for life."

“But what about if you lose that money?”

Keith laughed, his voice like chocolates to obese children. “Then, my man, you make more. And you know what they say about making money, right?”

“Uh… no, not really,” I admitted.

Keith merely chuckled some more and winked. “Don’t worry, my man, you will, you will. Keep it real.”

Suddenly the blackness turned a shade or two whiter, and whiter still, until it was nearly blinding me. Before the world around me faded to a blinding brilliance I saw Keith Sweat wink at me.

To be perfectly honest, it was the best advice I had ever gotten.


“Hey.” Flash felt a long, probing object poke his eyehole. “Hey kid, wake up.” The object was in his eyehole once again, with much more force this time around. “I don’t get paid by the hour, so wake up before I just throw you out.”

Groggily, Flash opened one eye, and then two. His head was on the floor, directly before the metallic surface of the toilet bowl. He had a pounding headache, his stomach felt like it’d punch through his gut at any moment and enact rightly deserved vengeance against him, and for some odd reason he had some aftertaste of oranges in his mouth.

“What…” Flash spit out a red wad of… something. “What happened?”

“You went on a spiritual journey for approximately eleven minutes after drinking toilet wine,” the guard told him. He picked Flash back up on all fours and threw him out of the cell, which certainly didn’t help Flash’s nausea or migraine. “Also, your girlfriend paid for your bail, so get outta here.” The guard grunted. “Drinking all my damn toilet wine… asshole.”

“Oh Flash!” Twilight said, catching him in her forelegs. “My darling! Your wooing ways have properly wooed me!” She sighed, snuggling into the softness of the nape of his neck. “Let’s go back to my place and get our freak on. Don’t worry about Spike, I’m sending him to my parents’ place.”

“No,” Flash said simply, pushing Twilight away. “I can’t do that, Twilight. Not after what I’ve been through.”

“Ooooooh,” Twilight said, nodding her head. “You mean the drinking toilet wine in jail, right? Don’t worry, we can get your stomach pumped on the way to my house.”

“No, not that.” Flash paused, followed bys his stomach gurgling like a dead animal was trying to claw its way out of it. “Okay, well, partly that. But something else. While I was knocked out I went on a spiritual journey. And now I finally know what to do.”

“...Say what now?”

“Twilight, I cannot be your waifu,” Flash said, holding her shoulders as he stared directly into her gaze. “I finally figured it all out from Keith Sweat. The only thing I’ve been good in all my life is stealing waifu’s. It’s a gift of mine. But now I must use this ability to its greatest extent yet. By stealing your waifu, who just so happens to be myself.”

Twilight looked at Flash for around ten seconds of complete silence without so much as a peep or even blinking, then blurted out, “Say what now?”

“I’m a narcisexual, Twilight. Some ponies don’t agree with that type of love, and Celestia knows how society will perceive me as one, but I mustn’t lie to myself any longer.” Flash kissed Twilight’s cheek, in the most platonic and totally not-love interest of ways. “I only hope you accept me as one and we can still remain friends.”

“Your breath smells like toilet water and rotten oranges.”

Flash smiled and nodded. “Indeed. That’s the smell of acceptance. Now, I must be off.” Flash flared out his wings and prepared to take off. “I must spread the word of Keith Sweat to all good-looking stallions everywhere, so that we may all love ourselves in the most sexual of ways!”

And with that, Flash took off, creating a stallion-shaped hole through the ceiling and receiving a concussion for his efforts. As bits of drywall rained on Twilight’s head, she looked to the cell, still left open, where all of the criminals and the guard were busy drinking from the toilet and laughing all the while.

“Well,” Twilight said, “I can certainly see why more and more mares are becoming lesbian… I think.”