//------------------------------// // Ch. 1 (...And Back Again) // Story: Return to Equestria // by Shadowmane //------------------------------// BBBZZZZzzzzzttt I slowly cracked my eyes open and clumsily swung my arm over to hit the top of my alarm clock. It took me a few tries to successfully push the button, but finally the annoying buzzing stopped and left me in silence, aside from the usual noise of the city. With a groan, I sat up and rubbed my eyes. My head was pounding and my tongue felt swollen, which was how practically ever day started for me. Just another fucking morning, I thought resentfully. My alarm clock shot out a small beam of blue light that cast a message on the wall: 7:30 a.m. Tuesday September 6, 2016. I put my glasses on, tried to ignore how my stomach was in the process of digesting itself, and pulled a cigarette out of the pack on my bedside table. I flicked a cheap plastic lighter and took a deep breath of the greasy black smoke as I stood up and took a couple steps to the window. My small two-room apartment was on the twelfth floor, which gave me a decent view of the surrounding city as the sun rose above the tall buildings. I could hear the faint sounds of revving engines and blaring horns as everyone tried to drive somewhere and got stuck in the resulting traffic. Some things never change. I looked back at the date that my clock projected onto the wall and frowned. September 6, 2016. My barely-working brain recognized that there was something significant about that date. Something important. Was it a holiday? No, that didn't seem right, and it wasn't about the upcoming fifteenth anniversary of 9/11 either. Then I realized what it was. I sighed and took another lungful of death-smoke. I hadn't even been awake for two minutes and I was already thinking about them. It was five years to the day. Five years since I'd woken up and returned to reality. Five years since I'd been bothered by those colorful figments of my imagination. Five years since I'd told them to leave me alone and let me get back to my real life. Five years since I'd had a friend. I gave myself a mental slap and tried to divert my attention away from them. The memories always came back when I wasn't working or shitfaced, and I didn't like being reminded of a time when I'd been happy. They say that happy memories can always make you smile, but that's a lie. Mine just made me feel like crap and question if I'd done the right thing the last time I'd seen the ponies. I took another pull on the cigarette and looked around for something to distract myself before I got too depressed. A flashing red light on my cell phone (which could double as either a wrist watch or a belt buckle) caught my attention. I punched the proper keys and was rewarded with a short voicemail. “Hey, Bones, it's Tim. We missed you at George's barbeque the other day. Listen, after we're done with Blynde Panthurr's album, how would you like go out with me and Jane to that new bar on Broadway? Drinks're on me. At least think about it, alright? See ya at work tomorrow.” My coworkers all called me Bones because I was pale and scrawny as hell. They meant it as a joke and weren't trying to be mean or condescending; in fact, they were all really nice to me. They invited me to go out drinking, hang out at Superbowl parties, and see new movies on a regular basis. But it was that special kind of niceness where you know that they all just feel sorry for you. I could never stand that kind of attention, so I made excuses when I could and left early when I couldn't. They weren't bad people, and I really did appreciate their efforts to reach out to me, but we just never connected and I always ended up drinking alone in my appartment instead. After being released from the psychiatric hospital, I'd borrowed some money, moved to Los Angeles, and managed to find a job as an audio technician for a small recording studio. I was tasked with recording music, mixing the sound levels, and adding special effects to the songs. Most of the other employees worked in teams, but I did everything by myself whenever possible. I was a pretty good at it, too. Not once had I ever missed a day of work, despite the almost-daily hangovers and lack of decent sleep. I worked harder than any of the others to keep my mind occupied, and it resulted in a consistently superior product. I had been Employee of the Month for the past twenty months straight, but I'd barely noticed and just chalked that up to more pity from my coworkers. I finished my smoke and crushed the stub up in the ceramic ashtray. Then I made my way to the bathroom and went through my usual morning routine to get ready for work. Another day, another drive to work, another talentless rock band's audio files to screw around with until they sounded nothing like the original recording, another kindly-meant offer to decline, and another bottle of middle-shelf vodka with my name on it. Life was just fucking peachy. You know what? There was absolutely no reason why I shouldn't have at least tried to be happy. I had a job with decent pay, an adequate place to live (so long as I ignored how thin the walls were and that one of my neighbors hired a dominatrix every Thursday), and I worked with people who were actively trying to be friendly. There are plenty of other people in far worse conditions who are perfectly content with what they have. Hell, life on Earth had never been better—at least that's what all the “experts” claimed. The world's economies had mostly recovered, violent crime rates were at an all-time low, and diplomats had somehow actually succeeded in reducing the tensions in the Middle East. New medical advances had developed more effective treatments for cancer and diabetes, and AIDS was quickly being eradicated thanks to a special DNA-altering vaccine. Even the tree-hugging environmentalists were happy, since new energy-saving measures and pollution regulations had been signed into law in the past few years. Despite being dissatisfied with my life, I should have been able to spare a little happiness for how everyone else's lives had improved from all that. But I just wasn't happy. Would I be any better off if I'd gone back to Equestria? I asked myself for the millionth time as I carefully trimmed the edges of my goatee. That was one thing that I'd retained from my time with the ponies. Despite my disillusionment, I'd kept a general eye on the My Little Pony show over the years. I hadn't been able to keep watching past the first few episodes of the second season—it was painful to see them all going about their lives as if I'd never existed—but the cartoon had maintained its critical success and was about to start its seventh season. There had even been a big-budget movie, but I hadn't seen that either. Just thinking about the ponies made my gut twist in agitation. I could clearly recall every second of my time spent in the ponies' world, and the memories played themselves over and over inside my brain. They just wouldn't get out of my head. Twilight Sparkle. Applejack. Rainbow Dash. Pinkie Pie. Fluttershy. Rarity. “Rarity,” I muttered under my breath. I thought about her the most. About her sophisticated accent and sense for fashion. About her lofty mannerisms and how she'd fallen in love with me. Her words came back to me: “The stud that I desire is a rugged individual. He is educated, stalwart, clever, creative, and willing to put the needs of others before his own. He perseveres when all hope is lost, yet knows how to enjoy himself when appropriate. He does not hide his faults and failings, but strives to succeed in spite of them. He withheld nothing when Trixie captured me and put her in her place. He has defeated Diamond Dogs and a shadow dragon, not for the boasting and glory, but out of loyalty to his friends. He is you, and you alone.” That just made me feel angry and depressed (yet again). She'd seen so many great qualities in me that simply weren't there. How could she have possibly thought that I was her white knight? And even if there had been a time when I'd been as great as she made me out to be, now I was an alcoholic twenty-four-year-old who'd given up on finding friends years ago and dwelt on the past. Some hero. Just when I thought that it was impossible for my thoughts to make me feel any worse, the memories, like always, returned to that last look that she gave me. I could see her azure blue eyes that were full of heartbreak and sorrow. The final gaze before she reluctantly left me to continue my life on Earth. The glance that filled me with guilt and regret even after half a decade. I gave myself another mental slap. It wasn't real, I furiously reminded myself yet again. My brain malfunctioned and I imagined the whole thing. None of it was real. And even if it was, there's no point thinking about it. It's done, get over it. This is your life now. But that wasn't working—it rarely did. I groaned and pulled open the mirror to get to my medicine cabinet. In the corner was a small plastic bottle of modafinil pills. They helped me concentrate without losing too much sleep. Most of the time, anyway. The bottle's directions warned against taking any on an empty stomach, but I hardly ever ate anything anymore. I popped one of the red pills into my mouth and put the rest back. Now, I'm not gonna think about the damn ponies anymore, I growled to myself as I swallowed and forcefully shut the cabinet. Three ponies stared at me from inside the mirror. I just stared back at them in shock for a few seconds. Then I opened the cabinet and closed it again. They were still there. I opened and closed the cabinet a third time. Still there. “Stop doing that,” the orange pegasus with a short-cropped purple mane said as I moved to try a fourth time. I struggled to find my voice. “I...Huh? What? What is this, I don't even...” “No time fer explainin',” the pale yellow earth pony cut my spluttering off. On top of her long red mane was a broad tan stetson hat that had a bright pink bow tied around the brim. “C'mon Sweetie, cast th' spell already.” “Are you even sure it's him? Is this the right place?” the orange pony asked doubtfully as she cast a critical eye over me. “Of course it's him,” the white unicorn in the center finally spoke. Her curly hair was pink and purple. “Now hold still, Jesse. This shouldn't hurt.” Before I could ask what the hell was happening or how they knew my name, the unicorn's horn glowed with a faint green light and everything around me flashed white. My vision swam, all of my blood rushed to my head, the floor disappeared, up became down, and I suddenly fell to my knees right next to the mares. Between the lingering hangover and being so disoriented by the teleportation spell, my body just couldn't take any more. I retched and puked up my stomach's contents, which consisted solely of acidic bile and the red pill. “Ewww,” muttered the earth pony as I spat to get the rest of the nasty stuff out of my mouth. “C'mon, c'mon, we gotta hurry,” the pegasus said as she pushed me to my feet. “Get up and let's move!” “Why?” I asked blearily as my brain threatened to explode. “What's going on? Where am I? Who the hell are you and how do you know who I am?” “Don't you remember us?” the unicorn asked gently. “I'm Sweetie Belle. Rarity's sister.” I blinked a few times and looked at them again. It took a few seconds, but then something clicked in my head. Of course! The Cutie Mark Crusaders! I realized. It seemed so obvious now, but I hadn't been able to figure it out myself because the three of them had grown up. They weren't pint-sized fillies anymore and were almost as big as the other ponies had been. They still hadn't gotten their marks, though. I took a glance around. We were in a small room with crude wooden boards for walls. Three stools and a small table sat in the middle, and there was a full-length mirror hanging on the wall. It looked like some kind of clumsily-constructed clubhouse, and had probably become the CMC headquarters after they outgrew their treehouse. “C'mon, already!” the older Scootaloo complained again as I got my bearings. “We've gotta get goin' ASAP!” “What's the rush?” That was one question answered, but there were still a dozen others that I needed to ask and my head was still spinning. Sweetie Belle replied for her. “We need your help. Discord's back, and he's got our sisters and Rainbow Dash! He won't give them back unless we bring you to him.” “He...you...wait, what?” My mind tried and failed to process what she'd just said. “You weren't s'posed ta say that!” Apple Bloom glared at Sweetie Belle, then looked to me with pleading eyes. “Can ya help us, Jesse? Please?” Before I could even begin to make an answer, the back of my head exploded with pain and everything went black. * * * * * When I came to and opened my eyes, the floor's tiles were swaying and I was bouncing up and down slightly. Soft hoofsteps filled the air and I realized that one of the ponies was carrying me on her back. “Ugh,” I groaned to myself. I tried to rub at the rear of my throbbing head, but my hand wouldn't budge. My arms and legs were tied behind me. “Hold still,” came Sweetie Belle's voice from my right. “Sorry about that, but Scoot's not a very patient filly.” “Hey, we gave him plenty of time!” Scootaloo protested from somewhere above and behind me. “And we don't have all day. Discord might change his mind for all we know.” “You didn't have to knock him out! Apple Bloom, you want me to take a turn?” “Nah, he don' weigh more'n a bushel o' apples, maybe two. When was th' last time ya ate somethin'?” “Better hope he doesn't starve to death before we're done with him,” came a fourth voice. I twisted my head to see who that could be. “Spike? Is that you?” I asked in surprise, even though I knew it was. I'd only met one dragon before who hadn't tried to kill me, after all. As you'd expect, he was quite a bit bigger than he had been the last time I'd seen him—he was about four feet high at the shoulder and walked on all fours now—but those purple scales and green spines were unmistakable. His nose had lengthened to a pointed snout and tiny wings stuck out from his back. “Yeah,” he muttered gruffly. “Long time no see.” “What are you doing here? What the hell's going on?” “Isn't it obvious?” he said with a huff of annoyance. “We're rescuing Rarity. And the other two while we're at it, I guess. Man, this place is weird.” I craned my neck around to see what he meant. I wished that I hadn't a second later, because that place was fucked up beyond all reason. It looked like someone had used M. C. Escher's drawings as concept art for a cathedral. Staircases that lead to nowhere jutted from the walls, unnecessary corners abounded, and the doorways were all set at weird angles. The floor was uneven and tilted away in absurd directions. Vaulted windows with various colors of glass showed that outside it was sunny, raining, snowing, underground, underwater, midday, and midnight all at once. And it all moved around. The walls shrunk and grew randomly and the number of stairs in the staircases kept changing. The vaulted ceiling couldn't decide if it wanted to stay a hundred feet above our heads or just forty. New doorways and windows appeared with no rhyme or reason and others blinked out of existence. Utter chaos. It was extremely nauseating to look at, and I threw up again. Instead of bile, a bunch of shiny glass marbles came out of my throat and fell to the floor. To say that that confused the hell out of me would be the understatement of the century. “Whoa!” Apple Bloom cried out as she stepped on a few of the marbles and instantly slipped out of control. The two of us skidded away from the others on the glass balls and quickly found ourselves at the far end of the room. Apple Bloom and I crashed into the brick wall, which bent inward like rubber and shot us right back at Spike, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle even faster than we'd been going before. That stock sound effect of a bowling ball hitting the pins rang out as we crashed right into them. When the dust settled, we were all sprawled around in a confused and battered heap. My head hurt worse than ever. Slow clapping filled the air. “Nice entrance,” a slow, masculine voice drawled. “I'd give you a thousand points for that, but the points don't matter.” I looked around for the speaker and spotted a very strange creature sitting on a chair that hadn't been there a minute ago. He looked what Dr. Frankenstein would have come up with if he'd had to use different animal parts instead of human corpses for his creation. Part horse, part dragon, part griffin, part goat, part bat, and so on. His eyes were yellow with red pupils that were different sizes, mismatched horns protruded out of the top of his head, a long fang jutted from his mouth, and a fluffy white beard stuck out of his chin. It was Discord, is what I'm saying. “Alright,” Apple Bloom said as she got back to her hooves. “We've brought 'im here. Now where's Applejack?” “And Rarity!” Sweetie Belle and Spike chimed in at the same time. “And Rainbow Dash!” Scootaloo added. Discord tapped his chin and thought. “Hmmm...hmmm...Applejack...Rarity...Rainbow Dash...hmmm...Oh! You must mean these three.” He snapped his eagle talons and a bright white flash appeared about halfway between us and him. When the light faded away, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Rarity were standing there. “Rainbow!” Scootaloo shouted and flew in a beeline at her unmoving hero. Crack! I couldn't really see what happened from where I was still laying on the ground, but the aftermath was pretty clear. The orange pegasus was left holding a decapitated cardboard cutout of Rainbow Dash. Or maybe it was plywood. Either way, it was a flat board that had a headless blue pony painted on it and the other two were also nothing more than props. Scootaloo flew right up to Discord's grinning face and angrily pressed her nose against his. “Where is she? What have you done with her?” “Has anypony ever told you that you look like a chicken?” he cooed. “I'm not a chicken!” Scootaloo yelled. “Why does everypony think that I—” Discord grabbed her by the throat, then reached under his chair and pulled out a clucking white chicken. He held it up next to Scootaloo and looked between them. “Yep. Definitely a chicken,” he laughed to himself. “Let 'er go!” Apple Bloom shouted as she, Spike, and Sweetie Belle left me behind and ran up to the base of his seat. “You wanted Jesse, and we brought 'im to ya. Now give us back our sisters!” Discord snorted. “Did you actually think that I did anything to them? You didn't even check on them before you ran off and brought the human here?” “What?” Sweetie Belle asked in confusion. “You lied to us?” He rolled his eyes and sighed heavily. “Yeah, I do that a lot. You're all annoying, you know that?” With that, he shook the chicken that was still in his grip (the real one, not Scootaloo). It squawked again and its eyes flashed from beady black to bright red. It snapped furiously at the air with razor-sharp teeth that grew right out of its beak. We couldn't see the rest of it because Discord's hand was in the way, but I could imagine it being covered with dark green scales and sprouting a long dragon-like tail. The ponies and Spike gasped, but their breath caught in their throats as Discord shoved the newly-formed cockatrice right at them. The four of them froze as they turned to stone. Shit! I struggled against the rope that still held me, but it was no use. Applejack must have taught her sister how to tie good knots, and it refused to let me go. The cockatrice turned its gaze to me, but Discord threw it casually over his shoulder before it could petrify me. It exploded into smoke and a swarm of black moths as it hit the ground behind him. “Such a shame to have to do that,” Discord muttered sadly. Then he clapped his hands, rubbed his mismatched palms together, and turned to me with a devious grin. “Soooo, you're the human? The one who slew the shadow dragon? Sir Jesse the Bold? The Guardian of Equestria? I have to say, I was expecting someone with more muscles.” “What the fuck do you want?” I demanded angrily. My ability to be polite had vanished around the time that Scootaloo had knocked me out. “Oh, I want a lot of things. I want a castle by the beach. I want a golden statue of myself. I want a bathtub full of jawbreakers. I want someone to organize my collection of horn shavings. I want to play bumper cars with Harrison Ford and Sean Connery. I want a plate of tacos. You know what, I can take care of that one right now.” He snapped his fingers and a plate of steaming tacos appeared and floated in midair. Then the tacos all grew spidery legs and crawled away. Discord shrugged indifferently as the food fled and returned his attention to me. “But, most of all, I want to play a little game. And I want you to help me with it.” “What?" I asked in confusion. "A game? And you think I'll just play along? Fuck off.” “Aww, but don't you want to have some fun?” His jovial mismatched eyes were suddenly right in my face. My eyes narrowed of their own accord. “I think I'd have more fun stapling my balls to a ceiling fan.” He huffed in disappointment. “Well, if you're going to be that way, I suppose these four will have to suffer for it.” Discord snapped his talons again and the ground shook violently. A massive crack ripped through the tiled floor not far away. Steam and glowing red light spilled out as bubbling lava spewed forth and settled into a shallow pool of fiery sludge. The smell of brimstone filled the air. “What the hell's going on?” I asked, slightly panicked. That can't be good. The draconequus hummed to himself as he picked up the Cutie Mark Crusaders and Spike and flew with them to the lava pool. The volcanic muck hissed and sputtered. “This little pony went to market...” Discord muttered as he hung the petrified Sweetie Belle over the molten rock by her head. “Wait!” I shouted as I realized what he was doing. “I've changed my mind! I'll do it if you let them go!” What else could I do? Sure, they had kidnapped me and used me as a ransom, but they'd been forced to do it. Just like I was being forced to go along as well. “I thought you'd come around,” he snickered and set the fillies and the dragon down safely away from the lava. “You know, I don't usually turn anypony to stone. It's a terribly dull way to spend the rest of your existence.” He reached out with his lion paw, grabbed a pebble from the midst of the liquified rock, and popped it into his mouth. There was a sizzling sound, then the pebble fell right through the hole that it had burned in his jaw. Discord didn't seem to mind or even notice the injury at all. “Now then, this is how the game works. I'm going to take these four and hide them somewhere. I've already put a few clues throughout Equestria, which you'll have to find and decipher in order to discover where they are. If you win, they'll be free to go with you. If you fail...well, I think you get the idea. Any questions?” “Yeah,” I struggled against the rope again, but it still held me tight. “Why me?” “I love a clever mind,” he replied as he twirled a talon in his white beard. “And I'm curious to find out how yours works. From what I've heard, you managed to defeat the shadow dragon without the Elements of Harmony or direct help from the Princesses. And even before that, you made a bunch of interesting new things for the ponies out of whatever you found lying around. It should be interesting to see your inner MacGyver at work.” I raised an eyebrow. “MacGyver? That's an Earth thing.” “Oh, I know all about Earth,” Discord said with a chuckle. “I took a short vacation there after I broke out of my stone prison for the second time. You humans have lots of interesting stuff in your world. Lots of chaos. And lots of pictures of ponies in socks, for some reason. But let's move on. “Now, there's one last part to this game that I'm sure you'll love. I know that you know the six ponies who defeated me last time, the bearers of the Elements of Harmony. You'll be working with them, but they won't know it.” “Huh?” I asked, confused again. “What's that s'posed to mean?” “Do you know what these are?” He snapped his talons instead of answering me. A second crack appeared in the ground at the opposite side of the unstable room, but, instead of lava, a field of bright red flowers sprung up from the new crevice. I didn't have a good view from where I was, but the flowers didn't look overly remarkable. “What about 'em?” “They're a creation of my own, actually,” he said proudly. “It's a special type of Poison Joke that has a particular effect on most intelligent species.” “And that is...?” I asked when he didn't elaborate. Again ignoring my question, Discord looped one of his lion claws through the rope that held my arms together and tossed me effortlessly into the air. “Service!” he shouted as I began to fall back toward the ground. I'm not sure where he got the tennis racket, but he explosively introduced it to my face. I flew across the room from the force of the hit, bounced painfully off the floor once, then tumbled to a rolling stop in the middle of the flowers. I groaned and opened my eyes. One of the flowers was right in front of my face. The red petals were pretty big and little antennas (I think they're called stamens) stuck out of the top. I pulled at the ropes again, and to my surprise they actually slipped off this time. I quickly freed myself and stood up...only to fall right back down on the flowers. What the hell? I pushed myself back to my feet. And fell down again. Something's not right... Discord slithered up to the edge of the flowers and cackled. “Oh my, you are so precious!” he crooned as I tried and failed to stand a third time. I scowled and crawled on my elbows out of the field instead. The flowers must've done something to my legs, I thought to myself. I should have realized that it would be a little more complicated than that. It took me longer than it should have to get out of the red Poison Joke, but I didn't really notice. My shoes came off as I pulled myself back onto the tiles, but I wasn't immediately aware of that either. I did take note when my pants slipped down to my knees. I twisted around to grab the back of my waistband and pull them back up, then froze in shock. There was a tail sticking out of my ass. A tail of coarse, jet black hair. That definitely didn't belong there. “The fuck?” I reached out a hand to touch the tail. But it wasn't a hand. My arm ended in a rounded stub. Discord guffawed as I stared at the hoof in disbelief. “Oh, you should see your face right now!” He snapped his talons again and a big mirror magically appeared next to me. My mouth dropped open as I saw my reflection. I was a pony. A pony with square glasses and clothes that were way too damn big for him. I carefully stood up again, using all four legs this time. It was difficult to keep my balance, and the weight of the clothes only made it harder. My pants fell down again and my shirt bunched up uncomfortably around my neck. The hell with this. I grimaced and stripped my clothes off. That made it a little easier to stand, plus I got a better view of myself in the mirror. I'd shrunk so that I was a little on the small side even for a pony. My coat was dark gray, like soot. My short mane and tail were jet black and wiry. My face was square and boxy. I could see my ribs sticking out. My eyes were still dark brown, just like they had been before the transformation, and I still needed my glasses to see anything properly (somehow, they still fit despite the radical changes to my face's shape). On my flank was a picture of two bronze clockwork gears. I still couldn't believe what I was seeing. I'm a fucking pony, I said repeatedly in my head as I looked from my reflection to my transformed body, but my mind simply refused to accept it. Discord was still laughing at me. “Oh, my little Earth pony, you're already entertaining me!” He grabbed his sides and rolled around on the ground as he let out a new round of explosive guffaws. “Did you do this just so you could make that joke?” I snarled. It was true enough, though; I didn't have a horn or wings. He propped himself up on his elbow and wiped a tear of mirth out of his eye. “Hehe...hehehe...heh. Oh, lighten up, will you? This is supposed to be fun, remember?” “Yeah, this is ten kinds of fun,” I said, my voice practically dripping with sarcasm. “You make three fillies and a dragon rip me out of my world, force me to play some game of yours, and then turn me into a fucking pony. What could be funner than that?” “Exactly!” he rolled back into the air and hovered with a wide grin. “Now, speaking of the game, it's time to begin. Your first stop is Ponyville. I'll explain everything to the others.” Discord grabbed me roughly by the back of the neck and lifted me into the air. He inhaled a lungful of air and breathed hard right into my face. I can't even begin to imagine what he ate to make his breath smell so horrible. Even if he'd engorged himself on rotting fish and sweaty gym socks for a year, the stench wouldn't have been even half as bad. I could feel my bile rise a third time and my eyes teared up from the vile odor. At least I passed out quickly.