Dante's Little Apple Surprise

by Tatsurou

This is the Weirdest Day...

Dante, Virgil, and Applejack stared down through the skylight of the church of the Order of the Sword. Dante's original plan after learning what the Order of the Sword actually was involved leaping in, killing Sanctus - who had been experimenting with turning people into demons, defaming the name of the Legendary Dark Knight he claimed to worship - and then killing anyone who got in his way on his way out. However, before the pretty girl's song ended, Applejack pointed out a major flaw in his plan.

"That's Nero," she said, pointing to a white haired young man who had entered late into the song, who was now sitting beside the pretty singing girl. "And if'n I ain't mistaken, he and that girl are members o' this Order, and believers."

"So?" Virigl asked bluntly.

"So, if'n Dante drops in and starts killing everybody willy-nilly, Nero's gonna see him as an enemy," Applejack explained. "That don't exactly fit in with our tryin' to reunite the family."

"We still have to kill Sanctus," Dante pointed out. "If he finishes his plans..."

"No argument there," Applejack pointed out. "But mayhap a different strategy would work better?"

"Like having you drop in, kill Sanctus, and kill only those who have been partially turned into demons?" Virgil suggested. "You're the only one of us with any training in non-lethal combat, and I'm pretty sure a talking pony with a guitar-scythe would throw them off."

"You're too kind," Nevan purred from Applejack's back.

"Ya really think it'll throw them off?" Applejack asked.

"It caught me off guard when I first saw you," Dante pointed out. "And I was used to demons by then."

Grinning, Applejack leapt.

As Nero started to leave, bored out of his skull by the preaching while Kyrie tried to get him to stay, he was startled as his arm reacted to something. Everyone was then caught off guard as the skylight shattered and an orange pony with a yellow mane and tail, white boots, and a guitar strapped to her back dropped to land right in front of Sanctus. "Demon," she said bluntly, pulling a silvery gun from a hip holster and shooting Sanctus in the head with a violet energy arrow.

The worshipers started to flee in fear. Credo drew his sword. "Your holiness!" he called out, enraged and afraid. The other Templars of the Order drew their swords as well.

"So much for off guard," the pony joked, her voice drawling with a southern accent. She then leapt forward.

Nero watched, stunned and confused, as the pony proceeded to mow down the Templars like they weren't even there. The strangest part was how she approached them. As soon as they got close enough, she would sniff them, and then either say "Human" or "Demon". If she said "Human", she would knock them out, either by smacking them upside the head or punching them a few times in the gut until they collapsed, unable to hold their swords anymore. If she said "Demon", however, she killed them, either by beheading them with the scythe her guitar morphed into, smashing their skull in, or another energy arrow to the skull.

As she confronted Credo, she leapt onto his sword as he swung it and sniffed him. "Demon," she said, drawing her gun.

"Brother!" Kyrie called out in fear, reaching for him.

The pony paused, jumping back from the sword as Credo tried to punch her. "Huh. Important demon." Ducking under the next swing, she spun around to balance on her forelegs before delivering a kick to Credo's gut with both hind hooves. There was a flash of light from the white boots, sending him flying across the room to crash into the far wall, dazed but alive.

With all other obstacles removed, the pony slowly approached Nero and Kyrie. Nero quickly pulled Blue Rose from its holster, pointing it at the approaching pony. "Stay back, Demon!" he ordered.

The pony paused, looking up at him disapprovingly. "Now that's hardly polite," she scolded. "That'n up there you lot are worshipping as a Messiah was a demon. Heck, his blood's in yer veins, Nero."

Nero's jaw dropped as Kyrie gasped in shock. "Wait...what? That's not...how do you know my name?"

The pony grinned widely. "Cause I'm here to find ya!" She suddenly blinked. "Oh shoot, where are mah manners? I ain't even properly introduced mahself!" She swept the cowboy hat off her head, bobbing her head in a light bow before putting her hat back on. "Howdy, cousin! Ah'm Applejack Sparda. Yer Pa's mah Uncle Virgil! And that statue up there is our Grandpa Sparda." She glanced up at it. "Not a very good likeness, though."

Nero staggered backwards, struggling to make sense of this news. "Wha...bu...how?"

Kyrie, being human, reacted in a much more human way to news that completely undermined her faith. She fainted dead away.

Applejack glanced over at her. "Sorry about yer girlfriend," she apologized. "Thought she was made o' sterner stuff. She'll need ta be, if she's gonna date someone in our family."

"If you're of Sparda's blood, then why kill the founder of an order dedicated to his worship and teachings?" Nero demanded, finally getting hold of himself.

Applejack frowned, her glare once more disapproving. "Fer starters, they ain't his teachings. He never taught anyone anything. He did what he did cause he chose humanity over the supernatural, and then fought to preserve humanity. But save friends and family, he just wanted ta be left alone, and made sure everyone around him knew it. Second, he hated bein' worshiped. He'da offed that guy for deifying him if he were here himself. Ah should know, I been carrying his sword with me for the past five years, and it's got some of his essence in it still. Talks sometimes, too."

She took a breath and let it out. "And third, that Sanctus fella up there? He was experimenting with turning people into demons with the goal of opening the gates of hell so he could use you and Grandpa's sword to awaken a giant demon statue to 'save' everyone to make their faith stronger."

"How can you say that?" Nero demanded angrily.

"He talks to himself while he experiments," the guitar suddenly spoke up. "I was listening in bat form. I can play the conversation back for you, if you like."

At this point, Nero had taken all he could handle, and decided to join Kyrie in blissful unconsciousness.

Applejack tilted her head. "...huh. Thought he was made of sterner stuff."