//------------------------------//
// Dinner with Applejack 
// Story: Tywin Lannister goes to Equestria! 
// by theanonymousbrony 
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When Spike had finished eating all the gemstones, Tywin had came in dragging a giant bag full of bits.  When the bag got stuck through the door, Tywin pulled it with all his strength and said, "Spike, get me a hand with this bag."

Spike slid his chair away and the second he grabbed hold of the bag and pulled it back, it was sent crashing into the room and all the bits in it were scattered all over the floor.  "Gees, Tywin, did you rob every bank in Equestria?"

"I'm in no mood for jokes, Spike."

You're never in the mood for jokes.  "So what do you plan on doing with all this money?"

"Simple, with all this money I can be able to hire my own personal guard."

"What would you need a personal guard for?"

"Because when I spoke to the Mayor, I made it clear that I was going to be her enemy.  She'll probably send some assassins to get rid of me, so I'll need all the protection that money can buy."

"But you're already dead; so what difference does it make if somepony does try to kill you?"

"That may be the case, but in order for me to overthrow this pretender, I must have needs of an army.  But who in this village can be fit for fighting?"

"Anypony in particular?"

"An army requires strong arms; so I'm going to need somebody that's blessed with an unusual amount of strength."

"Well, there's Big Macintosh: he's strong enough to pull a house and a cart carrying anvils that's being pulled by bulls (although cake seems to be the only thing that's too heavy for him for some reason)."

"And where may I find this Macintosh?"

"He and Applejack mostly handle everything over at Sweet Apple Acres most of the time, so chances are he might be there."

"Very well, take me to him."

Meanwhile, over at Sweet Apple Acres, Applejack had just finished bucking every apple tree as she and Big Mac were preparing themselves to carry the barrels full of apples back to the house.  But before they could even get started, that's when Applejack saw Spike and Tywin coming over.  "Well howdy there Spike and Tywin, what brings y'all here?"

"Nothing much," Spike said, "We were wondering if you could use any help?"

Tywin was about to correct Spike, "That's not why..."

"Aw shoot, of course ya can!" Applejack interrupted, "You can help Apple Bloom peel the skin off, and you--my lord--can help Big Mac here carry the apples."

"All right!" as Spike was about to go help Apple Bloom, he whispered to Tywin, "Trust me, this is the only way you can ever talk to him."

Not even bothering to argue, Tywin just went ahead and started to carry barrels with Big Mac.  After bringing about ten barrels over to the house, Big Mac turned to Tywin and said, "You sure that ain't too much work fer ya, gramps?"

"First of all, my name is Tywin--Lord Tywin to you.  And second, just because I'm old doesn't mean that I'm incapable of performing some form of manual labor.  And I should know, I once skinned and gutted a stag on my own." when they went to carry more barrels, Tywin attempted to make his proposition.  "Now Big Macintosh, there's a matter I like to discuss with you..."

"No need ta be formal when addressin' me, you can just refer ta me as Big Mac.  Second, whatever it is you have ta tell me can wait till after supper (because the less we talk now, the quicker we can get this done)."

While this was happening, Spike was taking apples out of the barrel and peeling their skins off with his claws, while Apple Bloom took the peeled apples and washed them in a sink.  "So who's that old geezer ya hangin' with, Spike?"

"That's Tywin Lannister; he's Twilight's Hand."

"And what does he do, exactly?"

"He's basically an advisor."

Apple Bloom let out a soft chuckle as she said, "I can't imagine Twilight enjoyin' havin' somepony tell her what ta do."

"Yeah, she wasn't exactly thrilled about it, but Celestia didn't really give her much of a choice."

"Where did he even come from?"

"Some place called Wester-oats; all I know is that he was a lord where he came from."

"And just how did a lord end up in a place like this?"

"I kinda assumed that he came the same way Jeffrie and the guys did, but it turns out he's actually dead."

Apple Bloom almost squished the apple she was washing after hearing that statement.  "Wait, wait, wait!  He's dead?!  How do ya know that?!"

"Because yesterday, I saw him shove a knife into his eye, and when he pulled it out, it magically healed itself."

"There's no way that's possible; this has ta be some sort of trick."

"Then why don't you and the crusaders try to prove it wrong?  Maybe you can get your Cutie Marks in mythbusting."

"Cutie Mark Crusader Mythbusters...that does have a nice ring ta it."


...


When nightfall had finally come, everyone had gathered to the table for the delicious meal that awaited them.  As Tywin was about to sit down, he saw a frail, old earth pony with green fur and white hair, walk in with an apple pie and said, "I hope y'all are hungry, because we got ourselves a meal fit fer a king." when she placed the pie on the table, that's when she finally noticed Tywin.  She slid her hoof up to his thigh and said, "And just who might this tall drink of water be?"

"That there's Lord Tywin, Granny." Applejack explained.  "He's Twilight's new advisor."

"Well color my flank with mayonaise!" cried Granny.  "I never would've thought that I'd ever be dinin' with royalty!" she then started to firmly pinch a cheek of his ass.  Great, just what I need, an old pony who wishes to whore herself to me.  And just as if he couldn't be anymore uncomfortable, he had the misfortune of having to sit next to her.  While she was rubbing his thigh underneath the table, she attempted to flirt with him.  "So what brings a tall, handsome fella like you over ta Sweet Apple Acres?  Come ta court a pretty little thing like me?"

He then removed her hoof and said, "I have come here for some business, unfortunately it doesn't involve you.  If anything it involves Big Mac."

"Me?" Big Mac asked while chewing on a piece of pie.

Tywin then took the time to make his proposition.  "As you might've heard, I'm Twilight Sparkle's Hand (which means that I'm very powerful).  And circumstances being that they are, I'm in need of a personal guard.  Which is why I'd like for you to serve me."

"What are you offerin' exactly?"

Spike decided to translate for him, "He wants to hire you to be his bodyguard."

"Me, a bodyguard?  Now Lord Tywin, I appreciate the offer, but I'm not exactly the protectin' type."

"And why not?" asked Tywin, "You have the strength to carry barrels full of apples, so in a way that makes you more than qualified."

"Well even if I want ta work fer you, my family business is sort of in need of me.  How can my sister sell apples if I don't carry them fer her?"

"Because whatever you make selling apples, I can double it." he then tossed a small bag of some of the bits onto the table.  "There's more back at the castle."

After gazing at the bits for awhile, he looked back at Tywin and said, "Sorry Lord Tywin, but I'm afraid that my family comes first." realizing that there was no way of talking him into his services, Tywin took his bag of bits back and silently ate the meal that was before him.