//------------------------------// // Step one: Start a riot (fixed) // Story: Redefining the Status Quo // by Harquebus //------------------------------// Typically, when someone bursts through a manhole in the ground, people would rush up to take selfies before helping him. Sadly, no one was helping me and I don't think anyone had the ability to actually take a selfie here. Instead, mixed expressions from the populace mainly being, shocked, confused, fearful, this one wrinkly old lady who just kept smiling, and horrified, greeted me. Those who I assumed to be guards, based on their attire of a metal breastplate, helmet and spears, seemed primed and ready to attack upon laying eyes on me but went on the defensive once they heard me say “we surrender”. Not a good idea on my part. I had absolutely no reason for surrendering other than a ‘heat of the moment’ type deal. I placed most of the blame on my inner paintballer and my propensity for making a scene before I “died”. See, in an effort to keep with the ‘war’ roleplaying aspect of our paintball games, instead of just shooting everybody in the face, you could actually take prisoners. It kinda became almost ritualistic to go out in the most outlandish way possible whether you were surrendering or dying because because you were now a new shade of the rainbow. I can clearly remember this one time, when I was hiding in a bush with my super stealthy trashcan armor on, attempting to snipe those who ran across my field of view. Unfortunately for me, about fifteen guys had surrounded said bush after somehow spotting me. One of them demanded me to reveal myself but I decided to stay put; after all, maybe they didn't actually know I was there. I have no idea what gave me away, but they seemed pretty annoyed when I wouldn't listen. He then said that if I came out slowly with my hands up, they wouldn’t shoot. However, in effort to uphold the tradition of outlandish surrenders, I decided to go out with a bang by jumping out of the bushes with my hands above my head whilst screaming, “I surrender!” For some other reason I can’t comprehend, they promptly shot me from about five different directions. Some people have no sense of honor. Either way, I couldn’t pass my outburst off as a joke because I’m sure they didn’t allow takesy backsies here. I needed to invent some form of excuse to cover up my blunder. “Maybe, yes… yes, that might just work…” I muttered My brain, apparently working at twice its normal capacity thanks to the pressure, fabricated a semi-logical plan and a not so logical plan in about two seconds flat. The semi-logical plan was to pose as a foreign ambassador from America and then preach freedom and apple pies to the populace, providing that they didn’t already have an Americanesque government, while convincing them that Sombra was a stand-up, for the people kind of guy. The less-logical plan was to get the public to protect me by perhaps convincing them to distrust the authorities. Like, instantly. I sincerely hoped that my words would inspire them to defend me right then and there. I could probably use a meat shield right about now but hey, I only had two seconds and the vague hope that these ponies were the most benevolent creatures in the land. I guess not all of them fit the benevolent mold because one antsy guard on the street with me seemed to be rearing for action, almost immediately throwing a spear at me. Without touching it. I really needed to figure out how they managed that. But I still upheld the sacred paintball rule of dying in style, so I put on the best act I could. “AAAARRRGGGGHHH!” I raised my crystal appendage high in the air, forming it into a fist and shaking it angrily. My other hand was air pumping a middle finger but that was just for dramatic effect. As the projectile cut through the air at lightning speeds, my air pumping and fist shaking increased in speed as well in a strange act of defiance. As it was almost upon me, I closed my eyes and waited for the inevitable. After three seconds of my continued breathing and bird flipping, first shaking defiance, I became perplexed as to my situation. Slowly, I opened my eyes once again and saw the spear literally floating a few inches away from my face. A pink, transparent aura seemed to encompass the entirety of the object. It retracted itself from my face and slowly floated up towards the pink pegacorn and the white unicorn sitting atop the float. Time stood still on the ground. The pink one whispered something into the white one's ear, who shook his head vigorously afterwards. Clearly he didn’t approve of whatever she said. In response though, she merely rolled her eyes and flared her wings. In one flap, she managed to push herself off the platform and slowly glide down to the ground, punching physics in the face along the way. Seriously, how did she manage to achieve liftoff? Her wings were much smaller than the rest of her body and that wasn't anywhere near the weirdest thing to happen today. She landed in front of me in a rather graceful manner, and I quickly made several observations about her up close. First off, she appeared to be slightly taller than others in the crowd, but not by much. She had little silver horseshoes on that seemed to arc upwards at the edge, like a regular shoe on all her hoofs. Atop her head just behind her long pink horn was a small golden tiara studded with tiny gems that reflected light in such a way, they seemed to be perpetually shiny. This likely indicated that she was the ‘leader’ so to speak or at least a figurehead. On the subject of her face, dem eyes doh. Good god, they were bigger than Sombra’s, her turquoise eyes were moving quickly over my body, taking in all that they could about the strange creature in front of her before they finally came to a rest on my right arm. At first, her face crossed with fear upon seeing my hand but soon shifted to a look of worry and concern after seeing my wrist. She reached out towards my wrist but I pulled it back before she could touch it. This was my chance. She managed to get the first words out, “Uh, um… h-hello?” Wow. Was she seriously supposed to be in charge around here? I was beginning to think that she was just a figurehead. Nevertheless, I bowed my head and spoke in what I hoped sounded like a sad voice. “N-no more. Please no more. W-we surrender!” I raised my voice to a shout at the end, unfortunately causing some guards to edge much closer to us. She motioned for them to step back with a flick of her wing and surprisingly, they obeyed albeit reluctantly. She continued, “So you are intelligent, I knew I heard you talk!” her eyes lit up in excitement, “Just wait until my niece gets here! She’ll be so excited!” She hopped up and down in place like a small child getting an ice-cream cone. Meanwhile I was just still kneeling on the ground with an incredulous look on my face. I began to think that Sombra was less competent than what he made himself out to be. I could probably distract her with some glitter glue and then take her out with a baseball bat. How was it possible that these ponies overthrew his empire? “Uh, dear? Strange creature, remember?” from behind her, the white unicorn came out also sporting an incredulous look while motioning for the guards to surround me. How he got to the ground was anyone’s guess. HIS NAME IS SHINING ARMOR Normally, I’d question a voice in my head giving me information, but I had a feeling that this was going to become quite common. Standing up and rapidly stumbling backwards, I pointed my crystal hand at his face, accidentally slapping a guard who got to close with the butt of the spear sticking out of my wrist. Still backpedalling, I stuttered, “Y-your Shining Armor!” CAPTAIN OF THE ROYAL GUARD “The captain of the royal guard!” I quickly added. He gave me an annoyed yet stern glance, obviously getting tired of my incessant stuttering. “Yes I am. Now I want you to get on your knees and raise your… hands, above your head!” He shouted. The crowd still seemed shocked by the events transpiring but appeared to ease up when the other guards moved in again. “But Shiney! Can’t you see it’s wounded?” The pink one pleaded, while pointing a gilded hoof at my wrist. The guards backed up, unsure of whose orders to follow, allowing some of the ponies closer to the crowd to see my wrist and notice that I was indeed hurt. Yet most of them probably couldn’t have cared less if they tried. He looked towards where she was pointing but found himself more entranced by my hand than my wrist. Pulling a saber out of his ass, he pushed its edge against my throat. Seriously, where do these ponies hide this crap? This got the crowd going, everybody present looked horrified or really angry and even though it seemed rather awkward due to the gas mask’s nozzle blocking the front of my neck, I was all too aware of the danger. “Look at it’s hand Candace,” so that was her name, “doesn’t that look familiar to you?” he spat while never taking his eyes off me. Well shit. Sombra apparently had a trademark calling card. Black crystal. She took one glance at my hand and said, “So what? Crystal can be black. Just because something seems threatening doesn’t mean we kill it.” she retorted, her tone more annoyed rather that angry. Several ponies in the crowd shook their heads in agreement while others actually seemed offended by this idea of not killing unfamiliar things. Shining appeared to be readying a scathing reply of his own before he glanced over at her. The effect was almost instantaneous, his ears suddenly drooped and he couldn't bring his eyes to hers, the sword was then slowly lowered. I took in a deep breath of air while simultaneously looking at Candace. I was about to mutter some form of thanks, but I now saw why Shining had reacted like that; her demeanor had shifted considerably. The pink wings, which once rested against her side, were flared to full height, giving the impression of authority. Her expression had also shifted from concerned to condescending, her eyes slanted slightly downwards while her head was pointed slightly upwards, looking rather pissed at his choice of actions. As quickly as the expression came, it disappeared and her features shifted back to normal. Wings tucked in with head and eyes now leveled out. After another moment she took a deep, shuddering breath and began to address me once more. "I'm very sorry about my husbands little display but he can be very protective sometimes. How about we try this a different way, could you please come with us so we can help you?” she pleaded while tilting her head and batting her eyelashes. If she thought I was going to come with her just because she did a cute then she was sorely mistaken. Just based upon the little demeanor change she had, she probably just stopped him because she didn’t like to kill people in the streets and instead enjoyed doing so in a dark and isolated dungeon. Unfortunately, I still needed to blame this wound on someone other than Sombra because they clearly knew him. “No! I will negotiate our terms of surrender in an open, public place only.” I clearly stated, the role-player in me coming to life. Shining decided to step back into the conversation again, rather aggressively and asking/stating, “Not only do you have no right to make demands, what do you mean by our surrender? Where are the rest of you?!” He was rapidly gaining the upper hand in the situation, meaning I needed to switched up my tactics; clearly Shining didn’t like others trying to assert themselves to him judging by how he lashed out when I tried. He was likely used to getting the first and last word in during most conversations. Still backing up as the circle of guards around me became more oval-like, I slowly raised my hands up in a placating gesture, ignoring my wrists protests to the slow, yet painful movements and pretended to slip, falling on my ass but continuing to still push myself away. “Uh, I-I-I mean, we uhh, I…” “Shining, just hold on a second! You’re scaring the poor thing to death!” Candace pleaded, attempting to push herself in between him and me. This really set him off though, “GET AWAY FROM THAT THING!” he shouted before his horn glowed a slightly transparent blue along with the spear lodged in my arm. Without warning, said spear was ripped from my arm, leaving a gaping hole in its wake. I was about to expel some form of comment along the lines of ‘da fuq man’ or just plain old screaming in pain but before I could, the spear that had just been unceremoniously removed from my arm pivoted in the air and smacked me upside the head with its butt. I got knocked flat on my back and saw the flying weapon turned its bloody point at my neck. “Say goodbye monster!” he roared as the spear rapidly descended upon my exposed throat. SPLAT The spear stopped just short of its final destination. Deciding the risk was worth it, I craned my neck forward in an effort to see what had happened to Shining. He was still almost on top of me but was now rapidly scanning the crowd, a squashed tomato now concealing part of his face. Turning my attention to the sidewalks, I saw several ponies whose faces were twisted in anger while others seemed to be terrified. On the sidewalks, mothers tried to hide their children’s eyes with a spare hoof while the fathers put their entire body into blocking their view, and while some children seemed all to happy to welcome the darkness others kept trying to wriggle free of their mothers grip, curious to see what happened next. Other ponies who had no apparent family in sight, were booing Shining armor and berating him with words I wasn't even sure actually existed, let alone be strung together in a sentence. “Boo!” several children bellowed before being swallowed up by their mothers’ arms. “What the heck do you think your doing!?” an older stallion with a grey mane exclaimed. “You can’t just do that to an innocent creature!” a young mare protested. “There are children out here you psychopath!” a mother cried. Dripping with sarcasm, a young shopkeeper announced, “Oh, so now were killing things, great, just what this city needed!” After several more protests, somebody got the bright idea that confectionery could also be used as a projectile and started lobbing food at him. I couldn’t help but smirk from under my mask at Shining’s predicament. Not only was that asshole getting his just desserts, but when you see a donut land perfectly on a unicorn’s horn, you just have to admire the marksmanship. At first, it was just small baked goods like donuts and éclairs that were thrown, but was soon followed by cakes, more tomatoes, cabbages, pretty much any food ponies could grab off the market stalls. He managed to dodge a few projectiles but as the old saying goes, monkey see monkey do, because pretty soon everypony on the street was chucking food at him. Now that’s not to say this was a large amount because most had fled the scene as soon as the cabbages started to land a little to close for comfort. Those who remained continued assaulting him with any sort of food they could get their hooves on before the rest of the guards slipped into action. After snapping out of their apparent daze at this sudden change of events, the guards immediately began to subdue the crowd. I managed to glimpse Candace trying to reach Shining, only to be pulled away by a few guards. Shining was still standing, slapping éclairs out of the sky with the spear while trying to clean cake icing out of his eyes. The stallion with the grey mane that had previously protested my impromptu execution, came rushing forward with what appeared to be a long stick of celery and proceeded to slap the shit out of Shining with it. Had I not been in so much pain at the time, I would have laughed at the sight. The sudden assault caused him to smear the icing over his eyes even more, effectively blinding him. He desperately swung out with his spear, attempting to counter his assailant. Unfortunately for him, one of the éclairs that he slapped down on the ground came back for round two. As he stumbled around while franticly swinging the spear, the confection managed to find its way underneath one of his hoofs, causing him to slip and making the spear fly out of his grasp and land a few feet away from me. As I bent down to pick it up, I noticed that his previously white coat was almost unrecognizable now; pink, brown and yellow splotches decorated his body, creating a terrible camouflage pattern which only got increasingly worse as he squirmed around on his back, trying to find a non-slippery surface to stand up. Now utterly helpless and with his belly exposed, the old stallion went in for the kill. Dashing over fallen éclairs, donuts and occasional fruit/vegetable, he skidded to a halt right in front of Shining and began his merciless attack. He began by swatting his squirming limbs with the celery, whacking the soles whenever they got too close to his face. For some reason, the celery was seemingly able to subdue Shining who continued to flail about in the icing coated street. Whenever he attempted to stand up he was slapped on the head by the celery wielding warrior. WHACK “OW!” he shouted while raising his hoofs up to protect his exposed forehead. It was all for naught however. The warrior had found Shining’s Achilles heel, his head. A small smile played on the edges of his face as he swooped in with renewed gusto. Each swing unforgiving, never missing its mark as blow after blow connected to a rather peeved Shining Armor. He tried to stand up once again but was pushed back down by the stallion, who was clearly not finished. Shining seemed to realize that he was physically unable to stand now that his hoofs were coated in icing and simply curled his head under his body while feebly raising his hoofs above his head and attempted to communicate with the colt. “Hey! Cut th-OW! Did you just hit me with a stick of celery?” I am Captain Shining Armor, and I will not stand for this i-OW!” Quit it!” THWACK “Ow!” Stop th-” THWACK “Ouch!” I said s-” THWACK “OW! CANDACE! HELP M-” THWACK “ARRRGH!” THWACK Fortunately for him, the other guards heard his pleas and ran over to detach the angry stallion from their commander who was little more than a pitiful mass of sticky fur lying in the road now. Only one guard managed to traverse the icing coated ground and made his way to Shining while the rest stayed back to watch the proceedings. At first he tried to pull Shining away from the ferocious farmer but the old colt wasn’t having any of that shit though, and started to slap the guard coming to rescue his commander. He managed whap the guard’s head but because of his helmet, he was effectively impervious to the celery swipes. What I found odd was that when he hit the helmet, a resounding clang echoed around the streets above the noise of the few remaining stragglers who were struggling with the guards. Anyways, the old one seemed to grasp the concept of helmets and started hitting his exposed eyes and mouth. At first, the guard just stood there looking at the old colt like he was insane before he slapped the guard on the teeth when he opened his mouth to speak. The guard stumbled back in pain while holding a hoof to his mouth. The éclairs weren’t out of the game yet because, like Shining, he slipped on one and fell to the ground. As his helmet rolled off his head, the old colt seized the opportunity to attempt to slap him at the base of the skull. Fortunately for the guard, his buddies seemed to now understand that the old coot was more capable that they previously imagined and five or six guards leapt on top of him before he could reach their friend and quickly disarmed the celery-wielding maniac. I just stood there wide-eyed. I had just witnessed what appeared to be an old man with a stick of celery take out a military commander and another soldier. Either they were the most pathetic creatures ever to grace the military or that old colt had some secret powers I was unaware of. BWAHAHAHAHAH! Well at least Sombra found this to be incredibly amusing because everybody else didn’t. Or, more than likely they did, but kept their mouths shut because Shining could probably make their lives a living hell if he tried hard enough. I looked around the street and took in the new renovations. The cobblestone streets ware now littered with all manner of foodstuffs. Pastries dominated the battlefield closely followed by tomatoes and cabbages. I occasionally spotted a stray churro but that was beside the point. The original grey of the stone wasn’t even visible in some spots. Somehow, all the windowed shops that lined the edge of the sidewalk were fine but the same could not be said for the carts. Most, in addition to being painted in icing, were completely void of food, the ponies choice of ammunition apparently depleted fast. “Hey!” an angry, yet feminine voice called. I snapped out of my stupor and replied, “Wat?” Directing my gaze back in front of me, I was not all that surprised to see, guess what, more spears. God, a little weapon diversity would be nice. The pegacorn now know as Candace approached me with a badly concealed smile, but quickly got herself under control. Surrounding her on all sides with guards armed with even more spears. Now that we were both standing next to each other rather than me sitting while she towers over me, I discovered we where about the same height. This meant that she was about 5’10 or so. Either way, she looked at me and then at my hand. “Well?” she said her head cocked slightly to the side. Mimicking her movements, I asked “Well, what?” She sighed, “You are capable of hearing correct?” She seemed incredibly exasperated but then again, I did somehow cause a small-scale riot. And the anger wasn’t even directed at me! I guess my less-logical plan did work, kinda. “Ahem!” “Oh yes! Sorry could you repeat that, I was a little distracted by all the… ah, fighting.” I said, hoping that I kept the amusement out of my voice. Instead of repeating anything, she and about every guard present simply looked down at my hand. Looking down as well, I saw the problem. I was still holding the spear that Sombra had thrown into my wrist and I was pretty sure that holding a weapon in front of leaders was considered bad here. Realizing how stupid I was being, I raised my crystal hand up in the air while slowly lowering my other hand to the ground before dropping the spear and then raising that hand above my head as well. “Okay, lets all calm down, I just came here to hold a peace meeting with you.” I spoke as calmly as I could, trying to hide the nervousness in my voice. “Ha! Yeah right. Says he wants peace and then causes a riot, very peaceful indeed…” a dejected Shining Armor mumbled as he was helped to his hoofs by about three spare guards. Candace wasn’t even fazed by this and asked, “For starters, what do you mean by peace meeting? You jump out of a ponyhole in the road, screaming ‘we surrender’ and then a riot broke out. I’m sorry, but your case isn’t looking good right now.” Manhole, my brain automatically corrected for me. So the language here was different. I might need to adjust my speaking skills. Another thing I noted is that she was glaring at me which meant I was probably about one minute from the fun dungeons. “I didn’t expect any of this to happen! I just wanted to enter your city but one of your guards attacked me!” I said while pointing a finger at the spear that had been lodged in my wrist. “Sir,” a guard spoke up, “are you implying that we attacked you without provocation? That is completely slanderous! We gaurdsponies would never attack without reason!” Several other guards also nodded in agreement as well as Shining, who came back to the group with the addition of a bandage atop his head. I just stood there staring at them. Many diverted their gaze whenever my eyes came to rest upon them. I suppose that having small purple dots for eyes has that effect. “Well, if there was ever any proof of unprovoked attacks on others, then look no further than your captain.” I replied abject. “You interrupted an official public event and started a riot in the middle of our city! How is that unprovoked?!” Shining spat, his face twisted in anger. “Shining! You nearly killed him for surrendering!” Candace gasped. “Surrendering for WHAT!?” He screeched. “This thing has been here for like, five minutes and in that time, managed to interrupt our wedding parade, cause a riot, and effectively destroy all the pastries within a one mile radius!” She apparently still thought differently. “That doesn’t mean that you can kill him! What has he done to you? Before five minuets ago?" She quickly added, her eyes rolling. “Candace dear, I don’t need to add that thing to my list of problems, not with the Gryphons being as jumpy as they have been recently.” I made another mental note. Gryphons are among this worlds inhabitants which means that I could reasonably be considered a species of prey. I think I recalled Gryphons being large in mythology but I wasn’t to sure. YOU WORTHLESS IMBECIL! WHY DID I EVER BELIEVE THAT A CREATURE FROM ANTHER WORLD WOULD SUFFICE FOR MY PLANS? I WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER OFF TRICKING THE GRYPHON KINGDOM INTO INVADING AND THEN CONCOURING THEM! “Enough of this!” Shining shouted. “You have exactly ten seconds to explain your actions thus far or be thrown into the dungeons. Start talking.” My mind raced as it was processing all the information it was given. Shining was having some form of issue with the Gryphons, who, judging by how he and Sombra spoke of them, were likely another world power. Based on Sombra’s rant about my performance thus far, tensions had to be pretty high in order for him to even rationalize the thought that he could trick one nation into going to war with another. He could only accomplish that with absolute mind control and if TV has taught me one thing, than its that absolute control is unobtainable. In order to not get my head chopped off, I would need a scapegoat. I then voiced my latest excuse to the Shining and co. who listened intently. “Unless my maps pointed me in the wrong direction, I was under the assumption that this was where the Gryphon Kingdom was located. I traveled here, as an ambassador of my people; to implore you to stop the war you have been forcing upon us. Me and a few other men attempted to contact their commander, but he ordered his troops to slaughter anyone who tried to surrender, claiming that those who give up don’t deserve to live. I managed to crawl away from them when-” “I KNEW IT!” Shining yelled, smiling like a maniac. “You see Candace, he is perfect proof that the Gryphons are preparing for war!” He sided up right next to me, a look of satisfaction on his face.” “Shining,” Candace began, her smile dissipating rapidly, “just a second ago you were ready to kill it, now your trying to defend it? It could just be saying things to save itself you know.” It appeared as if the tables had turned almost literally as now Shining was defending me and Candace was fighting me. Not only that, but they must have been arguing about this for awhile. Shining was beginning to call me ‘he’ and Candace had started calling me ‘it’. She was obviously upset by my new excuse and had started distancing herself from me with the new terminology whilst Shining did the exact opposite. “Candace, he is perfect proof of the Gryphons’ intentions, an attack!” Shining pleaded while some of the guards murmured amongst themselves. Candace seemed even more skeptical than ever and was now visibly concerned. “Shiney, maybe we shouldn’t discuss this out in the open, or at all.” She softly spoke. He replied with the cryptic message, “We can’t avoid the inevitable forever dear. We’ll have to face the facts soon.” “Shining, don’t talk like that,” she pleaded, “I’m telling you that this thing will simply blow over and resolve itself.” I stood up from my ground and wiped some frosting off my legs. “On second thought, I can clearly see that this was the wrong location, so if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be on my way.” I reached out my hand to form a hand-to-hoof shake with Candace. “He’s attacking the Princess!” A young guard shouted. “Wait, what?! I’m not-” Further talk was cancelled as about ten guards dog piled onto my unfortunate body. Shining interjected in what I perceived to be an attempt to free me, “Hold it men! He was just reaching out tw-” “Take him to the dungeons immediately!” Candace’s voice rang out. “Candace? What are you doing?” Shining asked, dumbfounded at the sudden mood swing. “We’ll discuss this later in privacy, until then, it shall be taken to the dungeons until I see fit to release him.” He opened his mouth as if to argue but thought the better of it and nodded. “Take him away.” He said. WORTHLESS IMBECIL