Paradoxical

by Smaug the Golden


We're dead. Mostly. Probably.

“It’s off to Pegasopolis,” Riptide said happily. Pansy gave him a dark glance as he slithered on the slippery mountain slope, but he ignored her. The four of us were climbing Mount Manganese, a dormant volcano. Snow and icicles covered it, a sure sign that it was not going to erupt. “Just think, Starswirl,” he turned to face me, “you’ll get to see the heart and soul of the pegasus empire. Few unicorns have ever gotten this privilege.”
“How did a creature as annoying as survive for as long as you have?” Arcane commented.
"I’ve gotten really good at avoiding anything that wants to kill me.”
Arcane rubbed his armored chin. “I suppose that that makes sense. But why do you even make things want to kill you?”
“Can you two stop asking dumb questions?” Pansy snapped from ahead. “I refuse to lead anything stupid into Pegasopolis."
Riptide gave her an evil grin. “If that’s the case you won’t have to worry about a thing; I’ve been the picture of genius back here.” Pansy proceeded to throw an icicle at his head. Riptide grinned and pulled it out of his- surprisingly- wet skin. “You can’t keep a good kelpie down, my friend.”
“Forget it,” Pansy muttered. “At least you’re not going to eat me.”
“Who knows what the future-” Riptide stopped dead in his tracks, causing me to run into his back. “Is that Pegasopolis?” Pansy nodded and Riptide whistled. “You pegasi sure know cloud engineering.”
Pegasopolis stood defiant toward the blizzard. Built from skystone, cloud and other materials, it loomed above us. A bridge connected it to the mountain peak, and pegasi could be seen walking and flying around it. Guards stood at regular intervals on it, carrying spears and just looking cold.
“Wait a minute,” I asked, finally realizing that something was wrong, “how are we going to get up there? It’s make of clouds.”
Pansy smirked. “Oh well. Guess you guys will have to stay here while I head up there."
“It’s partially frozen,” Riptide said. “We can walk on it all we want.”
“Isn’t it slippery?”
“Probably, but you just need to keep your balance. Easy as one, two, three. Now, to the heart of the city to defeat my cousin!” Pansy looked like she wanted to strangle us, but she led us upward into the massive city anyway. Riptide had been right; patches of ice filled parts of the bridge, allowing to to walk across. However, massive spikes jutted out of it as well, spearing Riptide at one point. The kelpie simply pulled himself off of it and continued slithering. I at times, had to ask myself ‘what is that kelpie made of?’ Regardless, we reached the city gate in good time.
At the gate, we were halted by a pair of pegasi in armor. They pointed their spears at us, causing Riptide to back up. “Woah, watch where you’re pointing that thing. You could put someone’s eye out.”
“I’ll point it at anyone who threatens the peace,” the first pegasus said, aiming his spear at me. He was about my height, with a blue coat and a red mane. His armor also looked way nicer than Pansy’s. I squelched all thoughts I had of simply strolling in and taking out Riptide’s cousin. Pegasopolis had way better security than I thought.
“Back up there,” I said, gently pushing his spear away. “I have no intention of threatening the peace. I’m just here to stop an entire war.” This just made the pegasus bring his spear back towards my face.
“How do I know that you aren’t here for an assassination?” I opened my mouth and then closed it again. “Ha,” he said. “You can’t disprove it. Maybe that’s why you’re here: to kill Commander Hurricane. Well, let me be the first to tell you that that won’t be happening.”
Pansy sighed. “Ace, let them through. They’re with me.” Ace opened his mouth to argue, but Pansy interrupted him before he could say anything. “Look, if it makes you feel better, you can come marching with us. Unfortunately, there’s nothing we can do about the kelpie.”
“I have a name, you know,” Riptide hissed. “Riptide is quite a decent name.”
Ace ignored him. “I can’t just leave the gates, who knows what might come through while I’m out.”
"Just come along. I’ll tell Hurricane that you were escorting prisoners. Happy?” Ace muttered something under his breath, but he followed us into Pegasopolis. The city itself was simply massive. Pillars held up temples and forums, while civilians ran around the city, whether playing, arguing or simply chatting. The frozen clouds did make walking something of challenge, but we managed.
“And that’s the Forum,” Riptide said happily as we slithered along, “and that would be the bathhouses. Let me tell you, their hot tubs are phenomenal.” At a certain point during Riptide’s rambling, an icicle was lodged inside his head. The kelpie pulled it out with no problems, but he got the message from whoever had thrown it, and shut up.
By the time we got to the center of the city, I was freezing. My cloak did little to prevent the cold from seeping in and making me feel like a windigo was breathing down my neck. At the center of the city, a massive building stood. It was circular. It was also probably a coliseum. Cheers sounded from inside, and I heard a thud or two. “What’s this place?” I asked.
Pansy raised an eyebrow. “It’s the coliseum. Hurricane’s around here somewhere. She usually does a practice at about at this time. Wonder who she’s fighting this time.” Almost immediately after she said this, an extremely loud cheer went out. Pansy whistled. “She won already.” We watched as Hurricane came out of the coliseum, flying towards a different building.
We stood there for a moment, watching her head towards a rather small building, this one at the end of a long line of houses. “Well? Are we going to follow her or what?”
Pansy bit her lip. “Look, I know that you threatened me and whatnot, but that’s where war councils and whatnot are held. We can’t just stroll in ther-- Hey!” Riptide had begun slithering forward at a pace much quicker than usual. The kelpie grinned like a madman when he glanced at Pansy, but did not heed her. He slithered right into the building, and the three of us ran after him. “I’m so getting fired for this,” Pansy muttered under her breath.
As Riptide slithered inside, we heard followed him in, close on his heels. Once inside, I had to stop and admire the building. No space was wasted. Walls held maps, desks held papers, the tables had war diagrams, everything was organized in an efficient manner. From a room down the main hall, with walls lined with portraits of different pegasi, came voices. One I identified as Riptide, who was arguing about something involving tacos, and the rest I did not recognize, although it was evident that they were angry.
Arcane and I slunk into the room as quietly as we could, using our cloaks to hide our horns. I accidently bumped a pegasus in a set of golden armor on my way in, who gave me a questioning glance. “Got waylaid,” I muttered. The pegasus nodded in understanding. Arcane and I leaned back, and then we enjoyed the show. Riptide had apparently knocked some poor pegasus off the podium in the center of the room and had begun speaking.
“You have a traitor in your midst. I promise you, you will not survive the year if you do not cut out the faulty ones in your number.” A gasp went up through the pegasi. Pansy groaned slightly and Ace looked as though he wanted to vomit. Arcane merely sat there. “I promise you, dark things are coming. I have seen the future. Imagine a world where felt and faeries rain supreme. That is the world that is coming for you if you do not heed my warnings.”
An orange pegasus in the stands decided to interrupt Riptide. She stood up and began speaking in an angry, but surprisingly nice, voice. “Just who do you think you are? We, the pegasi, are not someone to be bossed around. We are a nation of leaders and warriors, and we are not to be trifled with. The other tribes insulted us at the meeting, why should we stay and make peace with them?”
Riptide waved a hoof in the air. “Because, you know, war’s a terrible thing and all that.”
A gasp went out from the pegasi. I put a hoof to my forehead. Riptide, you idiot, I thought to myself, this tribe got to where it was by fighting wars. You might as well have gone and told the earth ponies that democracy about as efficient as making a dragon work at a bank. I had actually tried the latter once. It had failed gloriously.
Hurricane, who I had just noticed sitting in one corner, glanced at the orange pegasus in what looked like wariness. I made a mental note of it and continued enjoy the show.
The pegasus pointed a hoof at Riptide, and I got the distinct impression that she was not to be messed with. “You see? This, this, siren is here, yelling at you in an attempt to convince you that we shouldn’t defend our honor. He even comes in here, thinking that he knows what the mighty pegasi intend to do. Who does he think he is?”
Riptide raised an eyebrow. “Adagio, it’s me. You know, Riptide, the cousin you’re always trying to have executed and avoided by transforming into a pega- You know, I never realized until now just how weird that sounds, all things considered.”
Riptide was promptly dragged off by the guards. I sighed. Arcane simply looked pensive. He kept glancing between the pegasus, Adagio, and Riptide, as if he couldn’t decide what to do. Ace had managed to disappear at this point and Pansy seemed to be enjoying the speehes. I simply sat back and listened the the next pegasus’s speech. Trust me on this, it was boring.


At the very least, Riptide’s prison was nice. They hadn’t chained him up with iron, which I took as a blessing, and they had been kind enough to give him a few things to fiddle with. However, Riptide looked bored to death.
"Riptide,” I said as I came into the prison. “Can you get out?”
Riptide shrugged in his cell as he used a hoof to toss a ball up and down. “Depends on whether or not you’ve got any spells at your disposal and how much time you’ve got. Apparently security in pegasi prisons is terrible.” About one guard was on duty and the only prisoner was Riptide. The guard was even sleeping. They probably just executed most prisoners, which would explain the lack of security.
“What kind of spells? As for time, Arcane’s chatting with your cousin and the rest of the pegasi. He should keep them busy for hours.”
Riptide turned to face me, a look of surprise on his lizard-like muzzle. “Won’t they be able to tell that he’s not a pegasus?”
“Doesn’t matter. He said ‘go rescue Riptide. I’m smart enough to know better.’ He’s wearing a cloak and a hood anyway, so he looks like a member of the inquisition.” Riptide nodded in understanding. “So, what’s the prison cell like in there?”
“Made out of frozen clouds,” Riptide said. “Any other day I could just slide through the walls, but it’s frozen. Hard to flow through it.”
“I thought you were nigh invulnerable. You’ve been stabbed plenty of times before.”
Riptide grimaced. “There’s a difference between getting stabbed and falling into who knows what. I’d prefer to just slip through the bars, but it seems to be the only source of iron aside from those weapons. No clue what their armor was made out of. Almost looked like orichalcum.” So my guess about it being iron was incorrect. Huh.
“So you weren’t hurt?” Riptide shook his head.
“Not severely.” I nodded and tabbed one of the bars with a hoof. A ringing sound could be heard, causing Riptide to wince. “Shush, do you want to alert the whole building?” I shook my head. “Then be quiet.”
“If you’re trying to release the kelpie, just use these.” A pair of keys hit me on the head. Riptide tried to scream, but I shoved my hoof into his mouth. It was painful. Riptide had a lot of canines. Adagio stood in front of us, her mane blowing in what I assumed was meant to be an attractive way. “So, what are you doing with the prisoner?”
“Releasing him."
Adagio shrugged. “It suppose I can’t stop you.” She took the keys off my head and inserted them into the lock. It took me a moment to notice it, but the keys weren’t actually iron. They appeared to be a light blue, although what it could be escaped me.
The door to Riptide’s prison swung wide open. He slithered out in relief. Adagio waved a wing at the pair of us. “There. Now get out of the city.”
I raised an eyebrow. “Why?”
"Simple. It’s easier to execute my villain plan when my enemies aren’t three feet from my base of operations.”
“And what is your villain plan?”
Adagio chuckled. “You’re cute. But you’re also stupid if you think I’m going to tell you my plan. Riptide, get out of my city.” The pegasus- or kelpie, going by what Riptide had told me so far- walked out of the room, leaving us standing there. “So… should we just leave?” I asked.
Riptide lay curled on the floor looking confused. “I don’t know. I didn’t really expect my confrontation with my cousin to go this way. She’s usually way more dramatic.”
“How so?”
Riptide waved a hoof around in the air. “She once sang an entire opera about her evil plan. She’s a siren, it’s how she rolls.”
I pondered Riptide’s words for a second. “If you’re a kelpie, than how is it that she’s a-”
He shot me a dark glance. “Can we not go there?”
“Sorry, but I’m not budging until you tell me.”
“But Adagio could have us killed-" He glanced at my expression and decided to change his course. "Fine. So my grandfather on my mother’s side was a kelpie. And he got married to a kelpie who was also a pure blood. But then they gave birth to Adagio’s mother, my father, and my aunt Crescent. My father got married to a pure kelpie, which is why I’m pure kelpie. Adagio’s mother got hooked up with a monster named Brio, who was part leviathan and part labbu. That answer your question?”
“Then how does that make her a siren?”
Riptide shrugged. “I don’t pretend to understand genetics. Trust me, you’re better off not knowing.” We stood there in the room for a little while, glancing around at everything.
“You know,” Riptide commented, “I don’t think she’s coming back.” The kelpie began slithering towards where Adagio had left, but found himself with a spear pointed at his face.
“Nice try.” Adagio had come back into the room, this time accompanied by Ace and a sullen looking Arcane, who had had his armor taken away. Adagio had gotten dressed in a suit of armor made from some green metal and wore a helmet with a gold plume. Under one wing she held a scroll, and under the other she clutched what looked like a conch shell. She shoved Arcane towards us. “Ace, escort these three out of the city.”
“Look, Adagio, I answer to Hurricane, not to you. Until she tells me otherwise, I’m not letting the prisoners go.” Adagio grinned and tossed Ace the scroll. The pegasus’s face paled as he unfurled. “Why?”
Adagio patted Ace on the back, avoiding his armor, with a wing. “Don’t feel too bad. It was necessary.”
“I don’t doubt that, but why do it now?”
Riptide waved one of his hooves in front of their faces. “You know, I still exist. We can hear you talking and we know what you’re talking about.”
“We do?” Arcane asked under his breath. Riptide shoved his other hoof into Arcane’s mouth.
Adagio nodded at Riptide. “Thank for reminding me. Now, Ace, since you’ve got your precious orders and all that, please take these three out of the city and place them somewhere they can’t cause trouble.”
“Can’t we just throw them off the city?”
Adagio paused to think about it. “Yeah, that could work. Make sure you do it over something hard. Preferably close to the earth ponies.”