Celestia stood in front of a chalk circle. In front of her was an unrolled scroll filled with childish crayon doodles and writing.
"Are you sure you're up for this, sister?" Luna asked, somewhat smugly. "You know you've never been able to get the spell to work."
"I must, sister! Conrad is a menace to Ponyville, and the only thing that can defeat him now is another monster! Now hush and let me cast this spell!"
"Oh, I wouldn't miss this for the world," Luna said with a smirk.
Celestia started chanting. "Oh waa taa guu sai yam. Oh waa taa guu sai yam." Behind her, Luna snickered softly.
"I summon thee, evil monster from beyond the veil. Oh waa taa guu sai yam! Come to Equestria and rid us of the monster known as Conrad 'Anonymous' Faust!"
"OH WAA TAA GUU SAI YAM! OHWAATAAGUUSAIYAM! OHWHATAGOOSEIAM! OHWHATAGOOSEIAM!"
Luna lost all decorum and fell to the ground, laughing and pounding the ground.
There was a blinding flash of light. A human stood in the center of the circle. He stood roughly 6 feet tall and wore a black leather trenchcoat. Strapped to his back was a sheathed katana. He peered over the top of his black sunglasses, revealing eyes of two different colors: one red, and one silver. He smiled, revealing his vampire fangs.
"You called for me, ladies?"
Luna was stunned. "I could have sworn that spell wouldn't work," she mumbled.
Celestia said, "I have summoned you because our fair county has been terrorized by the one known as Conrad Faust. I want you to track him down and end his threat. Also, let me just say that you look very attractive and handsome and not at all like the monster I was expecting."
"Thank you, m'lady," the young man said, "but I'm afraid that you're wrong. I have an inner beast, a monster inside myself that I must wrestle with every second of the day. Should I let my self-control lapse for even a second, I would become a danger to everybody around me. It is the burden that I alone must bear," he said sadly.
Luna rolled her eyes, but Celestia appeared entranced by the stranger's words. "That is so sad," Celestia murmured sincerely.
The summoned human turned his head sharply and stared off in the distance, as if he heard a noise.
"I sense something I have not sensed in a long time," he said. "Tell me, what is in that direction?"
"Not much," Celestia replied. "Hallways, a few janitor's closets, and of course the Forbidden Archive, where we keep the most powerful and dangerous artifacts and weapons on the face of the planet. You know, just normal, boring stuff."
The stranger nodded, as if Celestia had only confirmed something he already knew. He closed his eyes and held his hand aloft. His hand was surrounded by a white glow and a glowing katana shot out of the hallway and landed in his hand.
Celestia's eyes widened. "That's the Plus Three Katana of Inevitable Destruction!" she cried. "Only its true master can wield it without being struck dead! And it just flew into your hand!"
The stranger twirled the sword and holstered it at his side. "I guess that makes me the chosen one, then," he said cockily. "Now I must be off, to put an end to this menace. Though the dangers be great, though I face grave peril at every turn, I vow that I shall return triumphant!"
"Wait!" Celestia yelled. "Before you leave, I have to know: what is your name?"
"I have been known by many names. To my friends I am the candle in the darkness, the light of hope, and the protector of the innocent. To my enemies I am death incarnate, destroyer of evil and sunderer of worlds."
"You can call me Gary Stu."
There was a flash of light, and Gary was gone.
Celestia exhaled sharply. "What a guy," she said with a dopey grin.
Luna rolled her eyes.
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"I'm telling you, Applejack, stallions won't go after me because I don't have enough bounce to my flank!"
"What are you talking about, Rainbow Dash?"
"You know, the cushion for the pushin'! That's why no pony wants to go out with me!"
Rainbow Dash sighed.
"One of these days," she continued, "I wish I could find some pony who could look past my tight, muscular body to see the adorable, vulnerable pony beneath."
As they walked, a mare overheard Rainbow's words and chuckled. Rainbow spun and grabbed her with a hoof.
"Are you saying I'm not vulnerable?!" she yelled at the panicked pony.
"No! Not at all! You're vulnerable! You're vulnerable!"
"Damn straight," said Rainbow Dash.
Rainbow released the unfortunate pony, who immediately ran away.
"I just wish I could find a nice guy," Rainbow continued wistfully.
As Rainbow and Applejack walked, several stallions in the crowd perked up.
"I'm a nice guy! I love you, Rainbow Dash! Pick me!" one stallion yelled.
"No, pick me! I'll write you love notes every day and give you flowers and breakfast in bed!"
"The hell you will!" another stallion cried. "I'm the nicest guy here, and I'll kick the flank of any pony who says differently!"
The argument degenerated into a brawl. Rainbow Dash continued walking, oblivious, until she walked straight into Gary Stu.
"Hello," Gary said.
Rainbow Dash jumped into Gary's arms. "Take me now!" she yelled.
Gary chuckled. "Maybe later," he said, putting a pouting Rainbow Dash down. "I'm here to find and destroy a monster called Conrad. He looks like me, except not nearly as handsome or cool."
"Oh! Oh!" exclaimed Rainbow Dash. "I know the one you mean! That's the creature that abducted Applejack and planned to eat her! Remember that, Applejack?"
Applejack rubbed the back of her head. "I gotta admit, I don't rightly remember much about it. But if you say that's what happened, that must be what happened."
"Well, speak of the devil," said Gary.
Across the road, Conrad was briskly walking away from the Carousel Boutique. "Crazy mares," Conrad muttered to himself.
Gary Stu jumped twenty feet into the air with a graceful leap and landed in front of Conrad. Gary's black trenchcoat billowed out behind him.
"Halt, vile fiend!" Gary yelled. "Your iniquity ends here!"
Conrad's eyes went wide.
"You!" Conrad yelled. "What are you doing here?"
"I have been summoned by this land's rulers to put an end to your wicked ways!"
"What, you mean those rulers?" Conrad asked, pointing to a spot just behind Gary.
"Wait, they followed me here?" Gary asked, turning to spot Celestia or Luna. "I thought I left them behind at the..."
Gary turned back, only to see a rapidly-retreating Conrad.
"Oh, it is on," Gary said.
Gary's form blurred, then Gary disappeared, only to reappear in front of Conrad. Gary struck Conrad's chest with his open palm, sending Conrad flying backwards and slamming him against a brick wall, leaving hairline cracks in the wall. Gary blurred again and reappeared immediately in front of Conrad.
"Pathetic," Gary said. "You are the monster I was warned about? You were hardly even a challenge."
Conrad slammed his fists backwards into the wall. The wall, already weakened by Conrad's body, came down on top of both Gary and Conrad.
The nearby ponies stared at the pile of bricks and rubble that had been a wall just moments before. No pony moved.
Gary Stu exploded out of the rubble. His sunglasses had fallen off and his trenchcoat was torn in places. A crimson battle aura surrounded Gary. He reached in and effortlessly pulled Conrad's limp body out of the pile. With his free hand he backhanded Conrad. Conrad ragdolled down the street, bouncing several times before he rolled to a stop.
"Okay," Gary Stu said, "now I'm pissed!"
Gary Stu drew the katana from his back. As soon as it exited the sheath it ignited with flames running up and down the blade.
"I call this one the Sword of Ogre Decapitation," Gary said. "It's overkill against somebody like you, but I think it's appropriate."
"Stop!"
A pink pony ran and placed herself between Conrad and Gary. "Don't do this!" Pinkie Pie yelled. "I know every pony thinks he's a monster, but he isn't! He really isn't! He doesn't deserve to be treated like this!"
"Step aside, pony," Gary Stu said imperiously. "This is between him and me."
Conrad pulled himself up to his hands and knees. "Pinkie," he said softly, "come here."
Pinkie Pie walked over to Conrad, who whispered in her ear.
"Are you sure?" Pinkie Pie asked.
Conrad simply nodded.
Pinkie Pie slowly cantered away.
Gary Stu sneered. "You made the right choice. And now to end this, once and for all!"
"I don't think so!" yelled Conrad. In Conrad's right hand was a glowing white orb of light. Gary Stu swung his flaming sword directly at it.
There was a blinding flash of light. There was silence. Then there was a deafening explosion.
When the dust had settled, both Gary and Conrad were gone. All that remained was the twisted, warped remains of a katana, and a few shreds of fabric that had once been a leather trenchcoat.
----------------------------
Many years ago:
"I am the coolest monster hunter ever! I have a katana, and different-color eyes, and a black, billowing trenchcoat that makes me look a hundred percent cooler!" Gary yelled.
"Oh, no! I am a horrible monster! Please don't defeat me!" Conrad replied.
Gary swung an imaginary blade at Conrad. "Take that, foul creature!"
"Gwah, I am defeated!" Conrad replied, falling over and pretending to be dead. Gary held his imaginary sword aloft in the air in victory.
"But!" Conrad interrupted, "In my death-throes I shall take you with me! Kaboom!"
"Ack! I am slain!" Gary yelled.
Gary fell over, landing on the lawn next to Conrad. They both laughed. Their mother opened the sliding door to the house and stepped out into the backyard.
"Kids!" she called. "Dinner's ready!"
"Okay, mom," Gary and Conrad chorused.
Conrad got up. Gary grabbed Conrad and pulled him down at the same time as he pulled himself up. Conrad chased Gary into the house.
-----------------------------
Present-day:
"I still can't believe you did that."
"Oh, come on, bro. That was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. You can't blame me for acting on it."
Conrad sighed. "Yeah, yeah. You realize I'm going to have to explain this all to Pinkie Pie, right?"
Gary shrugged. "Not my problem."
Conrad grabbed Gary and put him in a noogie-hold. "Oh, yeah? How about I make it your problem?"
"Ack! Augh! Okay, okay, I give!"
"All joking aside," Conrad said, "it was good seeing you."
Gary smiled. "Yeah, it was."
There was a pleasant silence.
"So, what do you want to do now?" Conrad asked.
"Well, I don't know about you," Gary replied, pulling out a pony mask, "but I wouldn't mind attending my own funeral."
Conrad grinned. "It's like you read my mind."