Button Mash slipped a Super Mareo Advance 4 game cartridge into the Game Boy Player on his Gamecube and began playing Super Mareo Bros. 3 on his TV.
He's gonna play some games from past
And also recent games while they last
Sweetie Belle stepped out from behind him while singing.
He'd rather have. . .
A Changeling Drone. . .
Spit a glob of green slime in his ear!
Button Mash slammed his keyboard angrily as his Captain got stuck in a glitch a level in Spore: Galactic Adventures.
He'd rather drink. . .
A freezing milkshake. . .
And get the worst brain freeze of the year!
Button spat a huge gush of milkshake right into Diamond Tiara's face.
He's the most awesome gamer you'll ever behold
He's the awesome Nintendo Colt
Button slammed a Lucario Amiibo onto the WiiU game pad.
He's the awesome Microsoft, Sony Colt
He's The Awesome Video Game Colt!
Button made roaring noises and battle cries as he playfully hit a Spyro Skylander figure against a Hulk Disney Infinity figure.
Episode 8: Spectrobes on Nintendo DS
"I hate this game," Button said angrily, "And what makes it worse is that I thought it was gonna be awesome. I mean, just look at the cover!"
"You got a guy with a sword and two monsters on either side of him. It looks like the coolest thing ever! And it was made by Jupiter, one of the developers that made Kingdom Hearts! Yeah, it's a Disney game, by the way. So, everything about this game sounds like it should be awesome, right? Well, boy, were sooooooo many ponies fooled!"
Button looked at the came card and said, "Well, let's get this over with."
Button put the game into his 3DS and said, "By the way, I should probably mention, when you play this game on a 3DS, and try to turn system off while you're still in the game, the system actually stays on for a few seconds after the screen goes dark. I don't know why it happens. Maybe the game knows its bad and is afraid you'll never play it again."
The title screen game up, and Button commented, "What's with those Japanese symbols on top of the title? Is that how you spell Spectrobes in Japanese? Speaking of which, you're probably wondering what a Spectrobe is? Well guess what, it's pretty much a Pokemon. Yeah, it's another one of those games that try recreate one of the most popular video game franchises of all time. But would you believe, this game actually takes the concept of Pokemon, and makes it boring?"
"Well the plot of the game is that you're a Space Ranger Pony named Rallen who has to defeat these aliens called the Krawl. You fly around in a spaceship going to seven different planets finding Spectrobes and using them to fight the Krawl."
On the screen, Button controlled Rallen and had him walk around the level.
"The game is a 3D world, more like Doctor and Derpy's Excellent Adventure than Super Mareo 64. You're probably wondering how you get Spectrobes. Well, it turns out there are no living Spectrobes in existence, and you have to bring their fossils back to life. That could have been clever, if Pokemon hadn't done that first!"
The bottom screen showed a fossil in the ground.
"You use the stylus to drill away the dirt from the fossil. You have to be careful, or you'll break the fossil. It's really tedious and not very fun. Was this game supposed to be a training tool for paleontologists?"
"And after you find the fossil, then you have to walk alllll the way back to your space ship to awaken it. And this is when you realize the game was doomed from the start. First of all, the fossils are always gonna be far away from the ship, so unless you buy a bunch of jet pack power-ups, you're gonna be walking a whole lot in this game. And even then, the jet packs only take you back to the ship, meaning you'll have to walk all the back into the level after you've awakened your fossils. And second, well, just look at how you're supposed to find the fossils!"
Button moved Rallen a few steps. He hit the R button, and a glowing ring grew around Rallen. Button moved Rallen a few more steps, and made the ring appear again. Button repeated this three more times before speaking. "That . . . is the game. That's pretty much the whole game. You walk around hoping that your radar will pick up a fossil or something." Button frowned at the screen, "And you know what that's like. Yeah, that's like Castlemania II: Simon's Quest, where you have to throw holy water all over the place. But you know what? I think this game is actually more frustrating than Simon's Quest! In this game, you have to keep going back to the same areas over and over again and you have to check for anything new. At least in Simon's Quest the whole game wasn't tossing holy water. But I am not joking when I say you have to check the ground over and over again in every level in the entire game."
Button picked up his juice box and drank some. He put the box down and said, "Okay, how about we move onto to bringing the Spectrobe to life. You wanna know how you do that? You have to talk into the microphone."
The screen showed the fossil in the machine, and a meter appeared in the bottom screen.
Button frowned with eyes wide with disbelief. "What were they thinking? Imagine playing this game in a doctor's waiting room or while waiting for a train or at any public place. You'd look like an idiot talking to you game. Talking doesn't even work that well because for some of the Spectrobes, you have to keep your volume at a certain level for 3 seconds, and that's impossible."
Button brought the game up to his mouth and said, "Blowing on it actually kinda works better." Button blew onto the game, and the game played a tune as the Spectrobe came out of the fossil.
Button froze with a wide-eyed stunned expression on his face, and his left eye twitched. "Wait a minute, that's even dumber than talking to the game! Who the hay blows on a video game!? What the hay were they thinking?!"
Button looked back at the screen and said, "But wait, surely the actual battles must be fun, right? Well, in order to start a battle, you have to walk . . . into a purple tornado. . ."
Button moved Rallen into a purple tornado in the level. The game then turned into a full 3D section where Rallen and his two Spectrobes were standing across from three Krawl monsters.
"You saw that, right? You fight monsters inside purple tornadoes! In Pokemon, it makes sense that they're hiding in tall grass. But purple tornadoes? How does that even work? Do you get transported to some battle dimension? Does the tornado turn into the three monsters? The battle transitions in the Mareo role playing games make more sense. At least there you could actually see what monsters you'll be fighting when you touch them."
Button smiled, "But hey, the battling is in real time! In Pokemon you have to wait your turn and hope your Pokemon dodged the attack on its own. But here, you can actually move out of the way and attack more than one time in a row. That's good, right?"
Button frowned, "WRONG! The battles have no strategy whatsoever. You control Rallen, and your two Spectrobes follow him. You make them attack by hitting the L and R buttons. You can charge up attack power with the A button, and can even launch a super attack when at full power. The Y button toggles a special attack. And . . . that's it. All you have to do is keep everyone for getting hit too many times. In other words, run around like a chicken with a paper bag over its head."
Button moved Rallen around as he kept hitting the A, Y, L, and R buttons madly. One of the enemy monsters hit Rallen, and Button quickly tried to moved Rallen behind the two Spectrobes.
"Grrrr! These Spectrobes won't protect me! And if Rallen dies, even if the Spectrobes are at full strength, it's game over! Then why is Rallen even in here? Why isn't he standing in the background out of danger? He's totally useless! Yeah, that's right. The cover is a complete lie! Yeah, he does have a sword and a gun, but those weapons barely do any damage at all. It's like trying to fight Tirek with a stick and a water gun. Sure, you can buy stronger ones, which I did, but there was still no real difference. You'd probably have to grind for, like, weeks just to get enough money to buy a weapon that will do anything! Sure, I know the whole point of the game is using Spectrobes to fight, but the cover makes it look like you can do some damage yourself, and wouldn't it be really gratifying to fight alongside your Spectrobes without worrying about getting killed in 4 or 5 hits?"
"Everything about this game is tedious and un-fun. After you awaken a Spectrobe 'child', you have to wait for it to grow in a the nursery. You can also use a child to help search for things in the ground. Adult Spectrobe get experience and level up just like Pokemon, but if you want to get anywhere fast, you need to feed them Minerals, which are kind of like Vitamins in the Pokemon games. You find them the same way you find fossils, by walking around and searching for them."
Button discovered a mineral in the ground and quickly excavated it. It was a yellow C- shaped crystal.
"Nice. A Health C mineral. This will increase the Spectrobe's health," Button said with a bit of optimism in his voice. But then he frowned miserably and said, "Now, guess how you feed your Spectrobe the mineral? Do you go into the menu, select the mineral, and choose an option that says 'feed' or something like in Pokemon? NO, you have to walk allllll the way back to your spaceship, go into the Lab, put you Spectrobe into the Nursery, select the minerals you want to feed to them, drop the minerals into the Nursery, literally watch the Spectrobe eat it, then take the Spectrobe back out and put it back into your party."
Button's hooves shook as he breath in and out heavily, his brow furrowing in anger. The propeller on his hat kicked into overdrive as Button dropped his 3DS to the floor and shouted, "WHY DID THEY MAKE IT SO COMPLICATED!? It's like they were so obsessed with making it different from Pokemon that they created a game that doesn't feel like a game; it feels like a job. Like, I should be getting paid for this! It's labor! It's hard work! It's not fun! I'm still stuck in a cave level that's not even half way through the game. I can't get past these three monsters without Rallen getting killed. Maybe if I could just play with my Spectrobes, I could win with maybe one Spectrobe left and just heal my other once after. But because this character is so stupid, I can't do that! Instead the game expects me to just grind for experience points and minerals for my Spectrobes, and money to buy Rallen stuff to keep him from dying so easily! I understnad that they wanted to do something original, but there's a difference between 'original' and 'impossibly tedious'! DENKALITH!"
Button shouted in rage as he ripped the Spectrobes game card out of his 3DS, threw it on the ground, and stomped on it repeatedly. Suddenly, he stopped stomping, a look of sudden realization in his eyes.
"Wait a minute. . . what am I doing? . . . This is wrong. . ." he said softly.
Button quietly left the room.
He turned holding a drill and wearing a mischievous smile on his face.
"Dinie ink, dukai," he said darkly to the game card on the floor, and he turned on the drill.