Even Alicorns Roll Ones

by TheGreatEater

Chapter 4 [CSFGU]

Celestia wasn’t one to take unnecessary chances, and she’d rather face all her ancient adversaries at one time than the wrath of an enraged Luna. So being the wise ruler she was she decided to teleport to the back of CSFGU. To be honest she hadn’t so much as stepped foot there after its creation, but how bad could things be? It’s not like any other catastrophes could pop up in the second safest place in Equestria … figuratively speaking.

The first thing she noticed was a thick rope cordoning off a portion of ground before her stretching the entire campus backyard, with only a few square yards between it and the entrance she so desperately sought. Looking at the immaculate green grass, the same as the type beneath her feet, and only sensing a glamour in the area. She decided to risk it.

She would fly, but with all the excitement earlier today, and how rare she used her wings. They were particularly sore. So trotted she did. I wonder why my hooves feel something rather squishy and unpleasant beneath them? But that was to be answered at a later time. For now, she trodded through the squishy grass to her freedom.

As she exited, she noticed the glamour, whatever it was, was still stuck to her hooves, and the squishy feeling persisted. Shaking her head at what she imagined as a lesson on following rules ignored it. After all it wasn’t like the glamour was dangerous, just mildly annoying. Like listening to nobles whine about how they couldn’t tear down an orphanage to build a private swimming pool filled with wine and orphan tears.

Seriously the things she had to listen to for the sake of her nation. At least the nobles weren’t as bad as the gryphons, posturing and posing, before declaring war on air for ruffling their jimmies. Or other races when their food was overcooked, undercooked, or looked funny. Or that one time they waged war on the sea because it was wet. Then she needed to step in, and kindly show why the gryphons should relax. Usually via casting Meteor at ‘Meteor Lake’, or as they said in Gryphoni, ‘Oh verdammt! Töte uns nicht!’. Named do to the fact that the lake was formed, and grows every time Celestia needed to calm the gryphons down via meteoric means.

The first place Celestia needed to visit was the little fillies room. She hadn’t had a chance to do anything since she left for school, and the binge eating as well as downing enough caffeine to kill a small nation, didn’t do any favors for her digestive tract. Opening the door, she wished she hadn’t.

A weird purple, pulsating, what she guessed was fungus, covered most of the walls. Strange arcane stars gave light to the room in strange, creepy shifting hues. That highlighted the many spell burn marks in the room. Worst of all was the smell. It was the smell that would even revulse her Uncle Mortis. For not even death would willing step into a place so vile.

Just then a young mare cantered in wearing a strange mask, “Princess Celestia!” She squeaked adorably. Her body stuck between wanting to bow, and not wanting to get anywhere nearer to the floor as necessary.

Celestia tried saying not to worry, but the smell, caused her to repeatedly dry heave when she spoke. The young mare though, a bright looking, amethyst coated mare with deep blue eyes, whipped out a mask and placed it over Celestia face.

Instantly the smell was gone. Celestia rejoicefully sucked in as much air as she could, “Don’t worry about bowing. Although I must ask … what manner of horrors is this place? Why hasn’t a janitor prevented such madness?”

“Well when the castle refused to pay extra for ‘Arcane Horrors’ insurance, they said they weren’t being paid enough to deal with the horrors and depravity that are the students bathrooms. And well, the moss, lights, and any ‘creatures’ you see here are fourth years rushing to do their homework, and well … spells, potions, what have you interact. Second years are what causes the burn marks … as well as first years. Before using any toilet give it a small buck to make sure nothing’s living in there.”

“What of the third years?”

“Well you see each year has a way of dealing with these places, and it’s a good way to exercise magic. First years use a bubble shield, second years use these masks, but third years try teleporting their stuff out of their bowels into the cordoned off area out back …”

“Wait! The glamored, nice looking grass area?”

“Yes?” She asked.

Celestia ignored the warning about bucking the toilet and went to heave into the nearest abode available. Staring face to face with a ‘thing’ with too many eyes, random tentacles forming from it, and looked like the larva of the more darker Elder Ones. Celestia’s regurgitation was impressive. Even for an alicorn.

Thankfully the young mare gave her a sympathetic look, from a safe distance, and asked tactfully, “You’ve only been to the faculty bathrooms haven’t you?”


“I’ll take that as a yes … and you never saw the back classes? Or told about the brown box?”

“Whaaahaaagurgle!” Celestia vomit moaned.

“Poor, poor princess! Don’t worry, the moss while semi-toxic to eat, smells horrible, and will make you glow in the dark for weeks. Can clean anything! Other than potion stains. Those make it angry.”

The mare whipped off a strip of the miracle, weaponized moss, and gave Celestia a scrub down, “And do yourself a favor and don’t peek inside the colts bathrooms … I heard horror stories about that place.”

Celestia nodded, as she gave the toilet a mighty flush. “Thank you most kindly for the assistance. I thought I had seen every horror, and nightmare imaginable until I saw this room!”

“Awww! It grows on you to be honest, and it does give rise to interesting theses and learning. Although it’d be nice to get it fixed up or have the faculty’s bathroom the same as ours.”

“We shall see. Now I have some very important business to attend to,” moving to the next stall she gave it slight thwack and closed the stall, “By the way what’s your name?”

“Changeling Foreign Exchange Student, Snuffles.”

“We have a foreign exchange student program with Changelings?”

“Of course, how else do you explain all the copies of ponies running around?”

“Oh! Well Snuffles. You have been a great help this day, if you ever need anything visit the castle, or tell Cadance I sent you her way. She’s a very loving pony, and the crystal heart gives off love like noponies business.”

And with that Celestia let loose … unfortunately she failed to take into account her royal girth, the fact she ate her weight in food, or that mortal toilets were never made to contain the things that can pop out of an alicorns plot.

Several applications of moss later. A cleaning spell, and a revivification of Snuffles. She was at the Dean’s Office. Smelling of lemons, and glowing as if she had dunk herself in the chemical waste vats that gave superheroes their powers in most of those comics Spike had her read to him when he was a little hatchling.

The day-glow princess walked into the Reception Area, and was greeted by two simultaneous shouts one from the direction of the Canterlot Castle, the other from the receptionist saying the exact same thing, “What the Fudge!”

“Oh no … Luna’s not happy if she used that swear word,” Celestia muttered, “oh hello, um … I went into the little fillies room in the back. You do know it violates several health codes, rules of nature, physics, and logic right?”

“Oh … we didn’t expect you to know about those. I’ll get the dean immediately.”

“That’d be nice, also if Luna asks, I’m not here. I … ran to Caketopia, and am on an important diplomatic mission in Cupcakeatoplis, until their battle with the evil dust bunnies are over. Do you think she’d buy that?”

“Ummm … possibly?” The receptionist answered what appeared to be a mentally unstable ruler from over exposure to horrors that shall-not-be-named.

“Good, I’d rather Luna not try her hoof at regal-sororicide today.”

“Why would she do that?”

“You’ll see tonight when you look at the moon. It was purely an accident, but Luna … sometimes needs her space until she can calm down sometimes.”

“Alright well … ummm … dean! Yes the dean can help you, or at least well … bye!” The receptionist ran as if the hounds of Tartarus were after her, and Celestia couldn’t blame her, getting between two deities in the middle of a sisterly dispute was something few mortals could withstand.

The dean after much talking, and ensuring that Luna would be given a more suitable lie, “Celestia flew into the sun and was hiding from her sisters wrath. Also the sun agrees that Celestia didn’t need a diet.” Celestia was given another saccharine aide. Although the pony itself kept wrapped up in a hooded cloak, face mask, and was wearing what Celestia suspected as armor.

“So why are you wearing those?” Celestia asked.


“Are we really going to be doing such dangerous stuff?”


“Do you only speak in one word sentences?”


“Alright then. I guess an important pony such as yourself has the need for brevity.”


Celestia sighed at the rather one sided conversation. It was like trying to talk to a smaller, androgynous, less muscular Big Mac that used a bigger vocabulary.

“May I ask your name?”


Celestia had to stop at that … how could anyone make the name one word sound like a compound word was beyond her. Or if it was a compound word how exactly that worked?

“Well Oneword, thank you for taking the time to help me out today. I know you must be busy.”

“Hmmm,” he hummed an affirmative with a slight nod of his hooded head.

Seeing that they were getting nowhere in the conversation department, she walked along in silence until they reached, a door that read, “Experimental Magic 444”.

Walking in she saw a group of unicorns with their teacher at the head, talking about what sounded to Celestia like how to go about summoning an infinite supply of food from the n-th dimension.

The teacher, a pony who looked very much like a unicorn Bright Pen. One of the greatest Earth Pony physicist to ever be born. Making numerous discoveries such as how mushroom clouds form from falling, high velocity ponies or objects. As well as his collaboration with Max Plank that defined physics and metaphysics as ponies knew it.

The teacher looked at her quizzically before stating, “Look everypony our special guest has arrived!”

Followed shortly by, “Oh Tia! Lovely sister of mine! I wish to speak to you about your little accident on my moon! Come out, come out wherever you are?”

“Oh Faustbro!” Celestia squeaked. Celestia let loose a powerful wave of magic shrinking her to the size of a mouse and teleported into the mane of Bright Pen 2.0, hiding from her wrathful sister.

“Ha! I foun .... I could have sworn on the holy flank of Faustbro that I detected my sisters magic here. Tell me my little ponies, have any of you seen my sister?” Luna asked.

When nopony admitted anything Luna said, “Well if you do see her, tell her that I accept her apology for the act. But I have talked Twilight and Cadance to vote on Celestia going on a diet. For the next decade.”

Celestia burst forth, “Lies! Twilight would never betray me so! Ummm … I mean hello, my gorgeous, and not remotely sororicidal sister,” Celestia sheepishly commented.

“Well hello sister dearest,” Luna deadpanned, “and Twilight did agree with me. Especially when I mentioned how easily you destroyed a ‘hallowed place of learning’, from overindulging in sweets, and your earthquake causing dancing … although Twilight already knew about that. She said you taught her how to dance … which explains a lot actually. Nonetheless, you destroying a school was enough for her to side with me.”

“I should have known!” Celestia cried.

“Although she said that her lesson, although it needs to be restructured to give proper ‘punishment’ whatever that means, will give you something sweet to eat later tonight, What lesson is that?”

“Oh she’s going to give me a lesson on what that word that makes everypony laugh at me means,” Celestia mumbled, “Well I can at least try to fix your moon. WITH MAGIC!”

The blast of Celestia’s enthusiasm exploded the room, and the subsequent teleports of five stories around, caused the school to lean to the left.

Celestia looked at her now unobstructed view, and cast the most simplest of spells. A Scrubbing Spell, used to wipe off chalk boards, clean toilets, scrub a dub, and even out ones mouth. There was an almost infinite application to a Scrubbing Spell, even a foal could use it.

Celestia knew that she needed to exponentially increase the power of the spell to get it to fix the surface. Her horn emitted six auras (rather than the normal one she was used to using, or the three that was the max for most unicorns) and started to get ready to release the spell. After the spell was cast Luna gasped in horror.

Celestia felt for the moon, and looked at her sister’s murderously twitching eye, “What did you do?”

“Well I did scrub the moon clean …”

“I see that. You scrubbed the moon, my moon out of existence. Fix it.”

“I don …”

“Fix it!”



“Isn’t that a tad excessive?” Celestia pleaded.

“You have till the count of four!” Luna roared.

So Celestia did the first thing she could think of and teleported Pluto and it’s twin moon into geosynchronous orbit. Which sent the twin crashing into the planet. But it landed in the dragon territories which no one cares about. Noone, but Spike’s mother who was on an epic quest to find Spike and beseech him with the rare Diamond of Fifty Free Wishes. That she wrested from a race of evil bunnies who were posed to take over the world with their dust bunny army. Now that Luna was no longer at full power.

The resulting explosion sent the diamond flying to a random part of the world. Where Spike’s birth mother would once again quest for it. Then give him the Dragon God King Spark she carried with her that would ascend her son to his rightful place as God King of Dragons. She sure hoped he didn’t have babies before she finished her quest.

As for Equestria. All they saw was a fiery mushroom cloud that melted every peice of all non-enchanted metal in all the hordes in the Dragon Hoard. turning almost all of them into infants (as they would learn during the ‘Great Waddle Invasion’ in a few months time.).

“Not funny Tia! Where’s my moon?”

“Okay! I can fix this!”

Celestia sent back Pluto and what was left of its’ moon. And focusing as hard as she could, cast a spell to bring her imagination to life. Where the moon normally stood was a cake the size of the moon. With gallops of frosting, that were whipping off of it. Celestia gulped, even though if she knew of the frosting floods that would cover the earth in two days time she would have done more.

“Tia, Sunbutt, I would like you to fix this now!” Luna wept angrily.

“Okay! This time I know I got it!”

Celestia sent the cake to the N-th Dimension. Where following the great floods of frosting, would burst forth from Spike’s mouth and cause much problems of a confectionary variety. Since size effects the time it takes for things sent to Spike to be made manifest enough to burst out.

Celestia did the smart thing. Knowing that scrubbing caused it. She would do the almighty Failsafe Spell. Thus returning her to a problem of a moon that was openly mocking Luna.

“Celestia …”

“Yes Woona?”

“Even if takes me all of my cunning, you will go back to kindergarden, and restart school. From the beginning,” Luna spoke in a tone that broke no negotiation, “And you will go until you can fix my moon perfectly.”

“Yes sissy,” Celesta gulped, “I … I think I shall go to Twilight’s.”

“Alright, I’ll inform her that you’ll be going to kindergarten there, and summer school for magic kindergarten here for the foreseeable future.”

Celestia just gulped and nodded. Hopefully going to Twilight’s would at least make her feel a little better. Especially if she could get Pinkie Pie and the other girls there.