//------------------------------//
// Chapter 1: Homoerotic Tendency  
// Story: Anon's Bizarre Adventure(s): Story is Unwritable. 
// by TrekkieAnon 
//------------------------------//

	So, you already know that Anonymous, the most badassiest badass motherfucker in all of Equestria banged 6 hot chicks that have fairy tale magical powers and married them right? And put the bun in their ovens with his baby batter right? AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME, right? YOU WANNA KNOW HOW? WELL, YOU'RE IN LUCK, ASSHOLE! GATHER AROUND AND SIT ON MY FUCKING LAP KIDS, because its motherfucking story time that will blow your inferior mind. 

Well, that clears the introduction, here goes the story. 

You are Anonymous, you were an average Joe, you enjoyed the simple life. You got a job that isn't shitty, you had many friends, you liked things like video games and movies and booze, but no girlfriend or wife, not that you really wanted to get married or have kids or anything. Why the fuck would you want to waste your time and money on a damn nagging woman and a brat? Anyway, all that simple life changed on that faithful day. 

Its Friday night, usually you would go hang out with bros and have a drink and do stupid shit. Well, not today, you decide to hit the sack early. You are all tucked in and relaxed, but you suddenly feel a rumble and hear weird noises. You shout couple of shits and fucks, this is obviously an earthquake. 

You panic, you quickly jump out of the bed and reach for your door. It doesn't budge, you think about getting a hammer to break it open. Then you notice that the rumbling and the apocalyptic noises stopped. Whew, that was not good for your heart. 

You look out the window, you expected the night sky with the full moon, but no. You see some kind of weird Doctor Who shit going on outside. Before you can figure out what the hell is going on, you slowly feel weightless, then everything falls like you are skydiving with your entire apartment.

"SHHHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTT!"

Your entire apartment free-falls for what feels like 10 minutes with you screaming your fucking lungs out, you are clutching your toaster with all your might. Then you notice you are not falling anymore, in fact, everything is completely still. You stand up, run towards the door and open it up. First thing you see is what looks like an intro scene of a Walt Disney cartoon movie, sunshine and rainbows, cute wooden houses, clear blue sky, and flowers and shit. Next thing you see is a group of 6 girls just staring at you silently.

"What the fuck is going on?" you ask them. 

"I think I might have screwed up something." says the purple haired girl with a small horn and wings. What the fuck? A horn? Wings? 

You notice that they are all humans, but some of them have wings and horns. You pinch your nipples to see if you are dreaming, you are not, you are not. 

"Check out dem abs!" says the Rainbow haired one with wings. 

Abs? you check out your body, you didn't wear a t-shirt before sleeping because it was hot. You check your reflection in your window. You are surprised to see your body now looks like Chris Hemsworth's(you know, Thor from the Avengers?). This is like that scene from Spider-man movie when Toby Maguire becomes buff overnight. Oh by the way, it seems your entire apartment came with you, you wonder how your asshole landlord will feel now. 

After some panicking and screaming later, you hear the full story from the 6 girls. This girl named Twilight Sparkle explains that you are in Equestria, Ponyville. She says that she was conjuring a random spell with help of her friends, she made a mistake and now you are here with your apartment. You also tell them about your home, they seem fascinated, unfortunately all the technology you had in your apartment is useless here. Why everything horse themed, you will never know, they don't know either. 

Unfortunately you can't go back to your simple life back on earth, this nerd girl screwed something up major and doesn't know how to fix it. You were angry at first, but what can you do? You decide to accept reality and start living in this crazy ass fantasy universe. 

The lack of technology is frustrating, but few days later, you realized to acquired some kind of bullshit level super powers. Probably because of that magic alternate universe travelling. Even TOILET SPUNKLE couldn't explain how this works. 

IT JUST WORKS.

Now your days as a superhero begins. You start out by saving all the kids from a burning school building, the fire started because some kids that call themselves 'Cutie Mark crusaders' fucked something up, AGAIN. Cutie marks, the tattoo thing that appears on ass cheeks in this universe when kids discover what they are good at or something. You check your ass cheeks time to time to see if anything appears on your ass, nothing, fortunately. 

More of your heroics followed, you are now the favorite citizen of Ponyville. You have been spending time with the 6 girls that pretty much brought you here. Mainly because they felt sorry because of what they did. You start to suspect that they have the hots for you now probably because of your selfless heroics and newly acquired hot body. All those random ass groping and spankings should mean something. 

One day, You, Rarity, and Twilight decide to investigate Everfree forest after multiple reports of weird lights and what they thought it was ritualistic music.

"You sure this is not some kids throwing some kind of secret rave party?" you ask. 

"For the last time, Anonymous, I'm sure there is something sinister happening. My books say that something big is about to happen." says Twilight. 

"Oh come on, prophesies? When do they ever come true?" you ask, did you really have to miss dinner for this?

"Last time it was when Nightmare Moon came to Equestria." 

"Oh."

"I understand if you just can't stand this place, darling." says Rarity, while trying to avoid stepping on mud puddles.

"Oh this will ruin my heels, perhaps you can be a gentleman and carry me in your arms?" she asks while blinking seductively.

"Uh..."

"Shh, look!" says Twilight.

You hide behind a tree and peek towards the direction Twilight pointed. There are groups of people with black hoods and cloaks on them, like some kind of insane black magic cult. They are gathered in front of an object that is also covered in a large black cloak. 

"Can you see what they have there?" 

"...."

"Twilight? Rarity?"

"Oh my, what a wide back you have."

You notice that they are just standing behind you feeling up your back muscles.

"Jesus Christ, do you have to joke around now?" you ask impatiently. 

"Rarity, scoot over a bit, stop hogging him!" 

"Move yourself! You are the one trying to keep him to yourself."

"Christ, they will hear you!" 

"INTRUDERS!" 

Too fucking late. 

The cultists turn their attention to your group. One of them lowers his hood to reveal himself.

You see a man with a face that looks like a Ken doll, but with even more exaggerated features, but all that pales in comparison with his hairstyle.

He has this exaggerated pompadour that is almost as long as his torso, its a mystery how he was hiding that under the hood. 

"....what the fuck is with that hair?" you whisper.

"Must be a fashion statement." says Rarity, still fondling your back. 

"Does that thing even obey the laws of physics?" asks Twilight, now fondling your ass. 

"Princess Twilight herself and two of her lackeys! Unveil yourselves brothers, IT IS TIME!"



The cultists immediately throw away their cloaks. You see a scenery that makes you instantly wish you didn't. Dozens of chiseled bodied men, all dressed up like male strippers, striking dramatic poses, and some with each other. They all have similar weird doll like faces with serious looks. 

"What am I even looking at?"

"Oh my..." say the girls at the same time.

"and where the hell is that music coming from?"

"Oh you wish you'd look this fabulous, bro." says the man with the over-waxed log of hair on his head. This guy is constantly combing his hair, CONSTANTLY.

"Not with that atrocious hair that looks like cow manure." scoffs Rarity.

You can almost hear the air freeze among the male stripper convention. 

The rest of them are slowly backing away from him. You see the man slowly crushing his comb in his hands.

"Hey Señorita."

"Huh?"

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY HAIR?" Mister fashion disaster goes berserk and charges towards Rarity.

He is surprisingly quick, but...

Before he can reach Rarity, you simply push against his hair, making his punches out of reach.

"Dumbass."

You karate chop his hair in two before punching him in the face with a force of a truck. You see him fly for a while and land on the floor hard.

"Muh....hair." the man mutters before passing out.

"Was that hair part really necessary?" asks Twilight.

After seeing their comrade fall, the rest of the pride paraders start their attacks. Alright, you had enough of this bullshit. 

With your bullshit level super powers, you plow through your attackers like a snowmobile. Twilight and Rarity's spells are also doing some serious damage. The cultists are at a loss, seeing their ranks thinning so quickly.

"HEY, YOU'RE UP!" shouts one of the cultists. 

The tallest of the cultists walks towards your group, at least this one is better dressed than the others. He is wearing a cap with his horn sticking out of it, his face looks as if he is constantly pissed off.

Rarity giddily approaches the tall unicorn man. 

"Rarity, what the hell are you doing?"  you ask while pummeling a cultist to the ground. 

"Hello, big and handsome, got any plans tonight?"  Rarity asks with her typical seduction mode. 

"Destroy Ponyville and kill all its residents." the man responds casually. 

"Oh....what about tomorrow?" 

The goliath strikes another pose and charges up a spell. It probably something big seeing how he is glowing and sparkling.

"Anon, help Rarity!" shouts Twilight. 

You rush and pick up Rarity in your arms just in time to avoid the big cultist's devastating magic punches.

"You alright Rarity?" you ask. 

"My hero~" giggles Rarity. 

You put down Rarity and face the towering attacker.

"Okay, so whats your deal?" you ask.

"I can cast a spell that can stop time."

"You can stop time and move around?" you ask. Okay, this might be a really dangerous power.

"No." 

Huh?

"Then....whats the point of it?" you ask while scratching your head.

"I can still be awake while the time is stopped." 

You don't hesitate to punch the cultist in the stomach. Any more of this and these guys will infect you with stupid.

"You.....bastard." the cultist manages to get back up, at least he is little tougher than others. He starts to make a pose and start charging the same magical punching spell he tried to use on Rarity. Now maybe he will get a bit more serious.

He starts throwing series of quick punches, while screaming incoherent noises.

You kick him in the family jewels. The cultist feels the shock and falls on the ground head first.

"Oh! My! God!"

"You know, if you actually aimed and not flail your arms everywhere, you could have hit me." you tell him. 

At that moment, you dodge a knife thrown at your direction, it kills a cultist behind you. You see a tall blonde man holding multiple knives in his hands. 

"Ooh, hey handsome, what are your-" here goes Rarity again.

"Goddamnit, not again Rarity."

Blondie continues to throw knives at you and Rarity, you pick up Rarity again and start dodging them. Each knife that you dodged kills another cultist. This guy ever run out of knives to throw?

"How many of your friends did you kill with that circus act?" you ask.

"How many times did you masturbate in your life?" he replies with a smug smile.

"...."

Blondie throws another set of knives at you. This time, you activate your Anonymous-senses(?), catch the knives and throw them back. The knives impale their owner this time. 

"My only regret is...not killing more of my friends....." 

What is wrong with these fuckers?

"I'm starting to think they aren't as smart as they look...." says Rarity.

OH, you think?

Things are not looking well for the stripper cultists. Their men are falling and they seem to be running out of body oil to rub themselves.

"We have no choice, do 'THAT' now!"

One of the cultists walks in front of the cloaked object they were hiding, he shouts something and strikes another pose.

"AWAKEN MY MASTER!"

Something in the cloak jumps and lands in the middle of the cultists. Its a....man? A huge bodybuilder wearing the scantiest, the most ridiculous male clothing ever. You thought the other guys were bad, this guy tops them all. He is also....glistening? It looks like his body is reflecting the moonlight, must be a barrel load of body oil or something. 

"Sweet Celestia, I think my eyes are burning." says Twilight while covering her eyes.

"No kidding, I didn't know the moonlight can be so bright." you try to squint your eyes from this madness.

"And where the hell is that music coming from again?"

"Am I the only one aroused right now?" asks Rarity. 

[To be continued]