//------------------------------// // We Don't Need No Stinkin' Sitter! // Story: The Merc With the Moth // by Tatsurou //------------------------------// Deadpool greatly enjoyed the time he spent with little Chrysalis. She brought something to be extra happy about in his home life, bringing an end to the boredom that was the source of most of the trouble he got into. Hours of entertainment could be achieved by blowing raspberries on her belly to make her squeal, tossing a ball for her to chase, watching her attempt - and occasionally succeed via magic - the capture of the mysterious red dot, and watching her play with a ball of yarn until it got tangled in the holes in her legs, mane, and wings, at which point she would promptly incinerate it. Deadpool did not enjoy keeping his apartment clean. "Yeesh!" he proclaimed as he fell back. "Keeping things clean is a chore and a half! I actually have to throw things away and clean up after myself! So frustrating!" "I know what you mean!" Crazy pointed out. "How do normal people handle this?" "Probably with less fire and shoving things behind the fourth wall," Stuffy scolded. "Well how else am I supposed to get rid of all the junk?" Deadpool pointed out. "The landlord complained when I threw it out the window at passing motorists!" "That's because it was illegal." "But it was fun! Next you're going to tell me that's illegal, too!" "Unfortunately, most of what we consider fun is." "Laws are made to be broken anyway," Deadpool countered, slumping back into his chair. Moments later, Chrysalis leapt into his lap and snuggled in. He scratched her behind her ear almost absently as he started flipping channels on the TV. At that moment, the phone rang. Deadpool picked it up. "Hello?" he asked. Normally he'd be more verbose, but the caller was interrupting family time, and that irritated Deadpool. He listened to the caller on the other end for a time. "Uh huh," he replied after a time. "Uh huh. How much? ...fine." He hung up, then gently scooped Chrysalis up as he stood up. "Chryssi, Daddy's taken a job," he explained. "That means I'm going to have to leave you with some friends for a few hours, understand?" Chrysalis frowned up at him and waved her hooves angrily. "Nu!" "Sorry, Chryssi, but as long as you're a fragile infant, you have to be watched," Deadpool explained. "And I need to take jobs so I can keep myself fed, so I can keep feeding you." He nuzzled his face against her belly, and she stopped fussing, though she continued to pout. "Don't worry, I know exactly who I'm going to ask!" Charles Xavier was sitting calmly behind his desk, going over a few details regarding some new students at the Institute and the X Men's last mission. He paused as he sensed the approach of two unique mental signatures. One was familiar and aggravating, while the other was new and...most unusual. As he was trying to analyze the second mental signature, his window burst open as someone red and black crashed through it. "Hey Chuckie!" Deadpool said happily as he stood up. "Listen, can you do me a solid and keep an eye on my daughter while I go unalive some people for money?" He deposited Chrysalis in Xavier's lap. "She's a real sweetheart, just in a bit of a bad mood since she can't come with me yet. Kthnxbai!" With that, Deadpool leapt back out the window. "Chimichanga!" he shouted as he raced off. Xavier stared after Deadpool for a while, then turned to the tiny creature in his lap. "I'm Charles Xavier," he said softly. "What's your name?" "Kithawith," she replied grumpily. "Chrysalis?" Xavier asked. "A lovely name. You are...unlike any life form I've ever encountered before." He raised a hand to his head. "May I?" He opened his mind, and extended his psychic energy to make gentle contact with her mind. Deadpool returned from collecting his fee to discover the Xavier Institute a leveled, smoking ruin. "What happened here?" he asked, shocked. "And why weren't we invited?" Crazy complained. "And where's Chrysalis?" Stuffy pointed out. "Chrysalis?!" Deadpool yelled, racing into the ruin, searching for his Changeling daughter. As he raced through, he saw numerous young mutants being treated for various injuries, Storm being held back by Rogue and Shadowcat, several others with glowing green eyes being restrained, and finally Xavier sitting in front of the only two wall fragments still standing that came to a corner. Chrysalis was on a stool, facing the corner and pouting, with Xavier glowering at her. "Nobody puts Chryssi in a corner!" Deadpool complained, scooping her up and hugging her. Chrysalis, for her part, squealed happily at seeing him again, hugging him around the neck. Charles Xavier frowned. "Mr. Wilson, please find somewhere else for your daughter to stay while you're away from home." Deadpool blinked. "Wait, you mean she caused all this?" he asked in shock. When Xavier nodded, he hugged Chrysalis all the tighter. "Daddy's so proud!" Chrysalis giggled happily. Xavier groaned, putting his face in his hands. After that rather disastrous encounter, it was a long while before Deadpool risked leaving her with anyone else. However, when he had to take another job in order to pay the bills, he decided it might be a better idea to call on someone to watch over Chrysalis in the apartment. If nothing else, maybe it would cut down on the collateral damage that happened without him. Thankfully, Squirrel Girl was open to the challenge of trying to tame a child the X Men couldn't handle. Deadpool was pleased, since presenting it in that light meant he didn't even have to pay her. When he returned after several hours, however, it was to see a pack of squirrels racing down the street, Chrysalis in hot pursuit after them, and Squirrel Girl chasing after her. "Stop eating my friends!" Squirrel Girl shouted, several emotionally drained squirrels hanging limp from her shoulders. "But dey yummy!" Chrysalis shouted back as she got close enough to the pack to drain another squirrel. As she raced by, Squirrel Girl scooped that one onto her shoulders as well. Deadpool scratched his head as he watched. "...maybe I should pick a different sitter," he considered. "Maybe Peter?" "He would be able to physically restrain Chrysalis if it became necessary," Stuffy pointed out. "And Chryssi pissing him off won't negatively impact our chances of getting laid like this has," Crazy added. Deadpool returned from his next job to find Spiderman hanging from the roof of the apartment by his own webbing, trussed up like a fly and hanging over a cauldron filled with bubbling green liquid. A fire was lit under the cauldron, and Chrysalis was dressed in a grass skirt and tiki mask, waving a spear as she danced around the cauldron chanting nonsense noises lifted from children's cartoons representations of primitive savages. "What?" Deadpool asked, unable to come up with anything more eloquent at the moment. "You don't wanna know," Spiderman replied. "Actually, I think I do," Deadpool pointed out. "In that case, I'm not going to tell you," Spiderman countered. "it's too embarrassing. I will say, however, that she definitely takes after you." "Hi Daddy!" Chrysalis said happily, waving. "Spidah soup fo din-din! Big helpings!" When Deadpool got his next job, he looked down at Chrysalis worriedly. "I can't take you with me," he said sadly. "I know that. It's too dangerous. But I can't leave you alone, either. And the only other one I could possibly leave you with - Wolverine - isn't taking my calls. What am I supposed to do?" "No need sittah!" Chrysalis pointed out. Her vocabulary had improved as more teeth had grown in. "Mama watch!" "Mama?" Deadpool asked in surprise. "Mama?" Crazy added. "Who's Mama?" Stuffy asked. Smiling, Chrysalis hopped from Crazy's text box to Stuffy's, and then into a set of arms that Deadpool couldn't see. "Is there someone invisible there?" Crazy asked. "Not invisible," Stuffy replied. "But...someone we can't perceive in our present mental and physiological state. There's only one female invisible to us that Chrysalis would call Mama." "Boney-cheeks, is that you?" Deadpool asked eagerly. Chrysalis giggled as an imperceptible hand stroked her mane. "Mama is boney!" she confirmed. She tilted her head. "Mama says she can't come every time, but she'll try to come when she's free!" "My skeletal Mistress, you are the best!" Deadpool praised. "I wish I could see you to give you a hug and a kiss thank you!" "Wait...how can Chrysalis see her?" Stuffy asked. "She's nowhere close to death." Chrysalis giggled. "See Dada's love for Mama...see Mama's love for Dada...see Dada and Mama's love for me! Tastes gud!" Deadpool grinned widely, not that it was visible under his mask. "Be right back sweethearts!" he said happily, knowing as he left this time that Chrysalis was in good hands.