//------------------------------// // Just Another Week // Story: Not A Dog // by ScrambledCrackers //------------------------------// Sunday Waking up just a little after dawn like I preferred, I rubbed the bridge of my gray muzzle, then got up and gave myself a quick brush before getting dressed for my morning run.  The laborious jobs I had today would suffice for working my muscles. Once stretching was done, I was out the door.  I liked getting some exercise first and most days it’s a full workout before breakfast.  Made the food taste a little better. Like always, I had a surreal moment as I got moving.  I never quite got used to running on four paws, even if it was more comfortable and faster to me ever since I wound up here. By mid-morning, I was over at Sweet Apple Acres with my tool bag.  It was common enough for me now, but learning how to fix all kinds of things was a new experience.  I’d learned so much from my first job here that I expanded my efforts to much success. Applejack and Big Mac appreciated how much time I saved them with the occasional tricky or hard to access repair, though they still did the majority of things on the farm.  In addition to some little things here and there around the farm, they had a leaking pipe in the house.  Neither of them liked plumbing, and AJ was the only one small enough to fit in the access spaces to reach the pipes, but it was awkward for her no matter what was wrong.  I had an easy enough time, thanks to my hand paws and flexibility.  I was done tracking down and replacing the leaky pipe by lunchtime and invited to join them. Once again, the Apple family proved just how good they were at cooking and I was ready to leave when AJ stopped me on the porch, same as last time.  Big Mac was with her as they looked at me with concern. “Ah know I asked ya last time, Tobias.  Whatever it is ya got runnin’ through yer head, ya know me an’ Mac would listen.  Ya know Ah won’t pry it outta ya on account o’ it bein’ so personal, but Ah wish ya’ll would tell us what’s eatin’ ya,” she said. “I know, AJ.  Big Mac.  It’s just...something I have to deal with on my own.  I’m sorry I always have to leave you worrying,” I tell them before heading off, keeping my friends in the dark again. I was forever grateful to Applejack, considering she was the first pony that gave me a chance, along with her family.  I caused a few ponies to get upset by standing at their shop door, had been chased a few times, and was just having a really bad day by the time I’d made my way onto Sweet Apple Acres.  She was respectful enough to hear me out, she says it was because I wasn’t trying to sneak around or anything, and gracious enough to let me work around the farm. She was also kinda pissed with me three days later when she found out I was homeless and sleeping in a cave on the edge of the Everfree.  AJ demanded I borrow a spare room in the farmhouse until I got established.  It was her word that got the town to accept my presence as a general rule, rather than only having a few exceptions friendly with me.  And her standing with me months later when I got the deed to my house after some initial resistance. Been long enough that most of the town just sees me as a regular member of the community now, rather than a stray diamond dog wandering around.  Most of them even greet me just like anypony else on the street.  There’s still some holdouts, but I can’t fault them too much after all the things the typical, painfully stupid mutts have done.  I grew up used to insults and jeers because of what I used to look like, so it isn’t hard to ignore and none of the ponies are interested in going beyond words. My afternoon is taken up at the train station, helping the ponies there replace some of the platform.  We finish up just as the sun is setting and it’s time for dinner.  They thank me for my help and give me my pay for the job. I head off to a quiet dinner at my house, content to read the latest Daring Do novel I got the day before.  There wasn’t a book club meeting this week, but I liked to keep ahead. *** Monday Wake up, brush, stretch, exercise before breakfast. Taking a more thorough than usual shower, I spend extra time brushing myself down after I finish getting dry, trying to get as many of the loose hairs as I can before my appointment with Rarity.  Once my slate gray pelt is as immaculate as I can get it, I’m out the door a bit early and free to enjoy a relaxing walk on two legs. It gives me a certain amount of amusement whenever I think of the contrast between myself and her cat, Opal.  Thanks to my frequent efforts, I shed little, regardless of what my couch would seem to suggest. Rarity was making all kinds of marks and adjustments as I stood like a statue in whatever position she requested.  She never said much while ‘in the zone’ and that was fine with me.  I still thought it was odd for ponies to value fashion like some did, considering they didn’t wear anything most of the time.  Worked in my favor I suppose, since I couldn’t stand walking around without a shirt and pants.  Shoes were just a distant memory now.  My foot paws didn’t like anything Rarity and I had come up with.  Socks and such wouldn’t last long without protection. Today was just prepwork for the photo shoot Rarity and I had next week.  As it was an interesting way for her to showcase unusual designs, and I got to keep most of the outfits when we were done, it was a small thing to model them for her.  I was absolute in refusing her trying to pay me, saying her usual prices, when compared against the clothes I get to keep, calculate to a decent wage for my time.  She relented only when I promised I wouldn’t discount any repair work I do around her boutique, which isn’t uncommon due to her high standards. I hoped she wouldn’t yell at anypony when we went to the next show.  Even if it was appreciated that she stands up for me, it tends to cost her some potential rich clients when somepony asks how she had me trained, or if I was available for sale.  Those moments tend to make her furious. It was funny, in a way, that it bothered her more than it did me by such a wide margin.  I just pushed back by remaining well-mannered and delivering carefully worded verbal slaps regarding their ignorance if it wasn’t a pony that might turn into a client.  It was far from all of them anyway, as I still remember the surprise I felt when Fancy Pants and his wife were respectful and treated me as an equal.  Upper class personalities with no depth, that’s all the unpleasant ones were. As expected, as I’m about to leave she speaks up, “Tobias, darling, have you changed your mind yet on telling me what puts such dark clouds in your eyes?  I do so wish you would share.” I sighed, “I’m sorry, Rarity.  I know you want to help.  It’s just something I have to deal with myself.” Grabbing a simple lunch at my place and getting into some work clothes, miscellaneous repair work in the Town Hall keeps me busy for the rest of the day.  Mayor Mare gives me a concerned look, but nothing more before I’m on my way home. Another quiet dinner and more reading. *** Tuesday Wake up, brush, stretch, exercise before breakfast. It’s a weightlifting day where I work with a partner.  There’s a special kind of joy I get from it after growing up with limitations like I did after that accident I was in as a kid.  Working through sets with Snowflake also burns off much of my troubles, both from keeping my friends at a certain distance and from my secret.  It’s left me far more muscular than the common mutts, though I leave the beefcake look to Snowflake.  He gets me a good deal on protein powder and supplements, since he goes through so much himself. Where most say it out loud often enough, Snowflake only asked once when he noticed, but otherwise he doesn’t say a word once I said it’s private.  Sometimes it isn’t quite a relief though, as he tends to push me harder, or himself when I’m spotting for him, when he’s frustrated about it.  Unspoken as it is, my hidden troubles are still on his mind. After lunch, I’m in the kitchen of Sugarcube Corner with Pinkie and the Cakes, helping prepare for a big party Pinkie was throwing that evening.  I only do it because Pinkie pesters me to and always makes it fun.  Pleasant small talk and Pinkie’s antics pass the time until she has to head off to somepony’s birthday celebration. “You know I gotta ask, Maxie, even if you always say no.” Pinkie always did the same thing too.  Before I was allowed out of her sight, she would call me by that abbreviation of my last name.  I had a very personal grudge against being called ‘Toby’ that she was respectful of once I explained it.  Then she’d ask the same question, “Will you tell me yet why you always have to work so hard for your smiles?” And I always respond the same way, “I’m sorry, Pinkie.  It’s just something I need to deal with myself.  If ever I thought you could help with it, I’d tell you right away.” Then she hugs me, complete with nuzzle, and makes me wince as she tugs my heartstrings, which is funny for someone that used to dislike getting touched.  She reminds me she’ll keep trying to help me smile, no matter what. Mr and Mrs Cake don’t say anything themselves after the first time, letting Pinkie say it for them, though I know from their looks what they’re thinking. Another quiet dinner at home and another book ends the day. *** Wednesday Wake up, brush, stretch, exercise before breakfast again. This morning has me hurrying over to the spa.  I have massages to give and a schedule to keep with Aloe and Lotus. I’m still glad I took the initiative ten months ago and asked if I could try out my capacity as a masseur.  While I was weak on technique at first, the spa sisters recognized the potential and agreed to take me on and teach me.  It was odd how shocked they seemed when I said I’d never been trained, but I never felt like thinking about it.  Since then, my services have gained a bit of popularity and it brings them extra business.  I still didn’t think that much of my skills, feeling I have a long way to go yet.  I was also impressed by the lotions they have, as my callused hand paws turned soft as warm butter with the right ones. It makes Aloe and Lotus happy enough to stay a little late once a week so I could use some of their services without bothering other clients, which was how this whole agreement had started off at first.  Now they’re close friends, and we’re planning to attend a spa convention in two months out in Manehatten, as much for fun as business. Our arrangement was a bit necessary, even though I looked a little different from the usual and was always well-groomed, some residents and most out of towners got upset if I tried to visit the spa during regular hours.  I wasn’t sure how to feel about nopony minding if I was working. Either way, it was a few extra bits and a chance to relax.  While I didn’t suffer the painful muscle spasms I used to that all but required regular massages to alleviate, endless worry seemed to do enough on it’s own.  Not to mention the fact a massage by either Aloe or Lotus was a wonderful experience every time. As I’m bidding them goodbye at the end of the day, they always give me a hopeful look at a minimum, wanting me to tell them.  All I can do is turn them down, unable to talk about it. None of my friends or associates would understand and I wouldn’t drag them into something they couldn’t help with no matter how much they wanted to help, even though I knew it made my friends a little sad by keeping it to myself.  Part of me knew it couldn’t continue forever, but I just couldn’t bear letting it out after all that had happened. I happened to pass Twilight on the street on my way home and we ended up stopping at the cafe for an early dinner between friends.  It was nice that the staff didn’t care what I was beyond being a paying customer. Twilight was still strange to me.  A princess that lives in a huge crystal castle, yet she was head of the Ponyville book club and the astronomy club.  A capable enough leader when necessary and quite sociable, yet she tended to be a shut-in when left to her own devices.  Some of the conversations we’d had about novels and authors made us lose all track of time.  Her knowledge of a multitude of subjects was always fascinating to explore, though it was hard to get her to stop once you got her lecturing. It was her and her friends that had been some of the first ponies to welcome me to town, Rarity’s initial scream for no immediate reason notwithstanding.  The ruckus made sense after I heard the story, at least.  They’ve all become dear friends since then. Twilight was also the second hardest to refuse when she asked. “Tobias, it’s been months!  I know you keep saying it’s something you have to deal with on your own, but we’re your friends!  No matter what it is, we’ll help you through it!  Whatever it is you’re dealing with, even if we can’t help with it specifically, we can still help you face it…,” Twilight told me with a sad frown, looking a little hurt while she made that same unintentional pouty face that was so adorable and disarming.  The fact she doesn’t even know she does it makes it worse. I heaved a sigh, looking at the empty pasta plate before me as I put the necessary bits on the table, still thankful I ended up an omnivore after whatever it was that happened to me and allowed me to continue being vegetarian.  Before I left the pack that took me in for those first two months when my problems started, I struggled to eat enough to stay healthy, as the dogs all ate meat with every meal.  Eating something with eyes makes me sick.  Even fish. I was still a long way from bringing my burdens onto my friends, raising my eyes to look at her again, “I’m sorry, Twi.  I know how much you want to help, but I can’t tell you.  It might be difficult to be left in the dark, but I would feel worse by getting any of you girls involved.  I just can’t do that.” As always, she jumped up and hugged me tight, putting her wings into it this time, “It isn’t that easy, Tobias.  It’s harder every passing day for us to stand on the side every time we see you carrying this secret hurt around.  We care about you, you big dummy!” It was harder to resist telling her than usual before we went our separate ways. I had a hard time staying focused on my book of choice before going to bed, but I don’t want to go back to my locked desk just yet. *** Thursday Wake up, brush, stretch, exercise before breakfast.  Celestia’s sunrise was extra fancy this morning, by the look of things. I made my way to the park and met up with Rainbow Dash as planned. We helped each other with agility training, sometimes even doing a little light sparring.  I couldn’t help her with flight training, but zipping around obstacles on the ground was something we both enjoyed.  She also liked the challenge I gave her, since I was a little better at getting through an obstacle course and really made her work for her wins. Today we decided to end our session with a sparring match. I remember how boggled I was when she first suggested it to me.  She had to teach me everything, once I agreed to give it a shot.  Dash wanted a partner to work with and we were already making a habit of exercising together, so it was a natural enough progression. Now that we’ve been doing it for almost a year, our matches were much more interesting as we danced around each other.  Dash still had to hold back, but I was much better and she sometimes got taken by surprise.  The look on her face last month when I managed to pin her and win for the first time was gratifying.  She hadn’t let me repeat it, but I could tell she was enjoying our matches a lot more ever since. We were getting close to the time we called it for the day when she managed to knock me onto my back and pinned me, grinning in her victory as we caught our breath, “Still not good enough, Tobias.  You’re getting better, but Rainbow Dash is still too awesome for you!” Then she narrowed her eyes with a light glare and a frown, voice low as she approached me her own way, “You got anything to tell me?  I don’t like it when somepony’s hiding stuff.” Through trial and error, I had to give her a different kind of response so she wouldn’t start pressing me for information for the next hour, “Not unless you’re going to Rarity’s for a frilly dress and makeover first.” As usual, she snorts and stalks off a little ways in frustration, starting to stretch herself out now that we were done, “I’m starting to consider it, Tobias.  I don’t like seeing you hold back whatever it is you won’t talk about.” That was a new response from her.  Most of the time, she just scoffs at the suggestion and ignores the subject for the rest of the day. “Sorry, Dash.  Like I keep saying, it’s not something you could help with,” is all I can tell her. I saw her give me a hard stare before she grumbles about my being a bucking idiot and she might just try and drag it out of me if I kept refusing to talk.  She gave me a grumpy goodbye and took off into the sky. That it was starting to make her so frustrated that it was coming out like that hurt.  I stared after her for a time, reminding myself just how impossible my situation was and how pointless it would be to make them worry about something they couldn’t help with, but how much longer could I keep denying them learning about what was hurting me?  And why was I so adamant to keep it to myself anyway? I knew I was getting too close to them to keep hiding it against my own conscience.  The draining effect of dealing with it all by myself for the past two years was weighing heavier than ever. I had to drop by the school today since Cheerilee had asked if I could help her with a lesson about differences between species and I was happy to help.  The window shutter repair she also needed could be done after the lesson and lunch. One thing that had amazed me, all other troubles aside, was how similar young ones were to back home.  Apart from some cultural differences, they were really no different at all.  Even if they were ponies, they were still full of the same innocent curiosity.  While I only stopped by the school when Cheerilee needed something fixed or wanted my participation in a lesson, I very much enjoyed my visits with her students every time. Sitting outside on the playground, many of the fillies and colts were sitting around me as I told them stories I’d adapted from Dr Seuss to work without visuals, among some other books I remembered.  Sometimes, I told stories from movies I had seen back home.  They were always fascinated at the things I told them. And more often than not, I would get swarmed for a group hug at the end. After I fixed the shutter, Cheerilee thanked me again for being so good with her students before reminding me she’d listen if I needed somepony to talk to, but never pressed. As I walked through town on my way to a leaky pipe at Bon Bon’s shop, I heard one of the common insults thrown my way.  The pony in question was trying to degrade my intelligence, though I happened to know the mare had a hard time reading the newspaper, so it rather lost it’s effect.  I barely flicked an ear as I ignored them. “I’m sorry there are still a few that do that, Tobias,” came the familiar gruff voice of Sergeant Kite Shield, head of the local Guard that looks after Ponyville and the Everfree Forest.  Not quite a friend, but a welcome familiar face. He and the other guardsponies had been wary of me at first, but time had made it clear I was harmless.  Since trouble tended to find me at times because of what I was, the town’s guards had taken to keeping an eye out for me.  Twice, they were present and able to thump some sense into a visiting pony making wild accusations, so the additional consideration was most appreciated. I just smirked sidelong at him, “It is not a reflection upon myself, but upon the one throwing it, sir.” “And stop calling me ‘sir’ already, lad.  Just ‘Kite’ is fine.  But then, we’ve done this song and dance enough…,” he said with a sigh, walking along next to me now, “You know I always see you around town, usually got something in your eyes that seems like the weight of the world’s on your shoulders.  You’re a good dog and...ach, sorry, that sounds terribly condescending.  Well, you’re a good sort.  If you ever want to grab a drink and chat about what’s on your mind, just ask and I’ll buy, alright?” Even Kite was asking now?  Maybe I needed to start making sure I wore a fake expression or something. I sighed, letting my shoulders sag as my ears fell, it wasn’t like he’d be fooled right now anyway, even my fluffier than normal tail drooped, “Thanks for the offer, Kite, but it’s just something I have to handle on my own.” He just nodded and went on his way as I went along mine. A few fix-it jobs and I was home for a simple dinner. I found myself staring at my locked desk, brooding in silence for a time, before I forced myself to read a book on Equestrian history.  I wasn’t opening that desk tonight. *** Friday Wake up, brush, stretch, exercise before breakfast. I headed into the market for a some fresh produce, having finished what I had.  The rest of the morning was spent haggling with the various stall vendors. Learning how to haggle over prices had been something of a culture shock, but some conversations with AJ, and a lot of observation and experimentation, left me with a reasonable capacity for it.  I knew I was at times charged a little more over my appearance, but overall I was just another customer. While I was getting some apples from AJ, glad to have no need for haggling since we’d settled a standing price and preferred to chat when she didn’t have customers present, the one pony I was truly afraid of happened to come along to buy some apples herself. “Oh hello, Tobias.  How have you been?” Fluttershy asked in her quiet way. She terrified me every time I saw her, though I never showed it. I just gave her a small smile, “Keeping busy with odd jobs as usual.  Cheerilee asked me to help her with a lesson yesterday, since I was stopping by to fix a shutter.  How about yourself?” Just being around her made my nerves fray. She gave a soft giggle as she covered her mouth with a hoof, “I’ve seen how you good are around foals and it’s very cute.  I’m doing just fine.  Poor Harry needed his back realigned yesterday, but otherwise my animal friends have been doing very well.  Oh!  While we’re here...,” she added, causing my worry to skyrocket, hoping she wouldn’t ask for help, “Do you have free time today or tomorrow?  A tree branch fell on my chicken coop and while the girls are fine, it made a hole in the roof.  There’s a rainshower scheduled on Sunday and I would very much appreciate it if you could fix it before then.” Dammit. With how things had been going, this was bad news.  Twilight was difficult enough, but Fluttershy was on a whole different level. She was far too adorable and sweet.  And even with how safe I always felt around her, she had no idea I was wrapped around her hoof. Even as I smiled, letting her know I had most of the afternoon free today, I was afraid of what was going to happen.  She was my bane because she made it hard to keep holding it all in.  Just being around her, especially when it was just the two of us and I didn’t have to worry somepony would overhear, made it hard to stop myself from breaking down. I privately referred to her as the Gentle Terror and Compassion Incarnate, from whom none may hide their sorrow. “That’s wonderful, Tobias!  I’ll see you later then.  Thank you so much for agreeing to help,” she replied with a happy smile after I said I’d be along after lunch, bidding AJ and I goodbye before she headed for her cottage. “Ya know, every time Ah see ya ‘round Shy, ya act all funny like.” Applejack spoke up, poking my arm with a hoof, “Ah’m tempted ta say ya got a crush on her, but ya ain’t actin’ quite right fer that at times.  What is it that gets to ya about her?” Looking at the ground as my ears and tail fell, I heaved a long sigh once Fluttershy was out of sight and I wouldn’t worry she might turn back for some reason, “Honestly, AJ…  She…  Let’s just say she makes it very hard to keep certain things inside.” AJ sighed, “Tobias, sugarcube, Ah wish y’all would talk about it.  Ah ain’t gonna press too much, but...maybe ya should give in later and let it out with her.  At least let somethin’ out, ya stubborn varmint.  Ain’t healthy of ya ta keep holdin’ it all in like ya are.  She ain’t gonna breathe a word ta any of us if ya asked her not ta share.  As yer friend, Ah want ya ta think about lettin’ somepony at least carry ya through whatever yer feelin’ with a good cry or somethin’, even if ya ain’t willin’ ta say what it is.  Please, Tobias.  Me an’ the girls are hurtin’ from watchin’ ya holdin’ it all in.” I winced, rubbing my left forearm from an old habit.  Now it had been said out loud and I couldn’t avoid it anymore, however flimsy the argument was before. Raising my eyes, I met hers for a moment, unable to mask my burdens and seeing the sadness I was causing her, then glanced away, “I’m sorry, AJ.  I’ll...I’ll give it some serious thought when I’m out at her cottage.  There’s just nothing any of you could help with…” She huffed, poking my arm again, “Sugarcube, if it weren’t fer the fact ya keep bein’ so darn set on keepin’ it private, me an’ the girls woulda hogtied ya ages ago and dragged it outta ya.  Long as we can be there fer ya, understand it or not, at least ya ain’t gotta be dealin’ with it alone.” I caught her hoof and gave it a squeeze, unable to meet her eyes right then, “I think I’ll...just drop my groceries off at home and give Fluttershy a visit.  Thanks for putting up with me, even if I’m having a hard time not being an idiot.  It’s…  Whatever you think one individual could go through, my secret’s bigger, I…” When I froze up after saying more than I ever had, as little it had been, AJ pulled me in for a hug.  She didn’t say a word, she didn’t need to, and soon I was able to hug her back as I got myself back under control. It was clear I was reaching my wit’s end, no matter how hard I had fought it.  I’d been holding everything in for almost two years and had let out little of it.  Sometimes, I even had myself convinced I was stuck in a coma and it was all a fever dream, but too much had happened for me to rely on that.  Other times, I just figured I’d gone completely nuts, but things were too consistent to come from an unstable mind. Pulling back from the hug, I gave her a weak smile, “Let me see what happens with Fluttershy this afternoon, AJ.  I’m not sure I even can bring myself to say anything.” “Tobias, if’n ya don’t soon, Ah don’t think yer gonna keep it together.  Whatever has ya so afraid, we’ll help.  Ya know darn well me an’ the girls have done some mighty wild things in the past coupla years.  Crazy as yer thing might somehow be, we just might be the best darn ponies in Equestria ta help ya figure it out,” Applejack told me, more open about her concern than ever. I bid her goodbye for now, thanking her for putting up with me before rushing home, satchel of food bouncing at my side.  I needed to shutter myself away for a bit and get myself back together before I fell apart.  I didn’t know how I was going to handle visiting Fluttershy less than two hours from now. Lunch was as bland as it was untasted, only eating on autopilot before I was carrying my tools down the road the moment I was done.  I knew Fluttershy kept some basic materials at her cottage, so fixing the hole shouldn’t be difficult so long as it wasn’t too big. Coming up on the pleasant cottage outside of town, I relished the faint smile I often got when I saw Fluttershy’s home.  I needed even that tiny spark of joy with how I’d been feeling.  There was always a strong sense of peace and refuge around the place.  Even the animals seemed filled with that sense of peacefulness. I had to swallow a lump in my throat as Fluttershy stepped out her front door with a feed bowl, her eyes lighting up when she saw me. As soon as she’d placed the bowl down, she trotted over with a smile, “Hello, Tobias.  Thank you so much for taking the time to come all the way out here just to help my chickens stay dry.” Giving her a small smile in return, “Fluttershy, you know I’m always happy to help.  And, uh...if it’s alright with you, I’m going to fix the coop roof and...well...could we, you know, talk over tea or something afterward?” In all the time I had been able to call the girls my friends, those were words I had never uttered. Fluttershy’s eyes widened as they filled with hope.  The look on her face just about did me in right then and there from how adorable she was. Freaking super-adorable ponies were my damn kryptonite and this mare was their Empress! “I’d love to!  Please take your time fixing the chicken coop.  I wouldn’t want you to get hurt by trying to go too fast.  Then we can have some tea and I’ll listen to anything you want to share, alright?” Fluttershy said, still wearing that damned painful adorableness.  I’d probably shatter on the spot if she hugged her pet bunny and giggled at the same time. The hole in the coop wasn’t as bad as I expected.  It was good and bad that it took me less than an hour to prepare, cut and install the repair.  I had it done in short order and spent longer than I needed, maybe over ten minutes even, just staring at the job I just finished because I knew what I was about to walk myself into. I was terrified of that one adorable pony because I knew I was going to break and nothing was going to stop it this time. It wasn’t long before the two of us were sitting on her couch, enjoying some sort of pleasant minty chamomile kind of tea I missed the proper name of.  We hadn’t said a word since we sat down, but I figured since I had asked to talk, she was expecting I would start when I was ready. My half empty cup was set down and I turned to her, swallowing as she looked at me with that kind smile, already feeling myself starting to waver, “I-I… F-For the past two years, I’ve… It started when I-I…” Her hoof touched my cheek as tears began to fall from my eyes as my voice failed.  I lasted only as long as it took for her other hoof to come up to start brushing away the tears.  The dam finally burst open as I fell into her and hugged her tight, feeling her forelegs pulling me in as I began crying hard in somewhat barking sobs. I cried because of how miserable my life was from pushing my friends away so much. I cried because of the things I had to do to survive when this first started and I was staying with that Diamond Dog pack that discovered me unconscious in some random place. I cried because of how alone I’d been in a strange place with no rhyme or reason I could find. I cried because of the strange body I’d woken up in, even if it all worked right. I cried for the family and friends I would never see again. I cried for the entire life I’d lost and could never get back. I cried because after everything I’d been through these past two years, I couldn’t take it anymore and it had to come out. Through it all, Fluttershy just kept holding me, even weeping along with me as I let out all the pain and loss I’d been through.  She didn’t know, none of my friends did, but she held me tight anyway.  It left me feeling like such a fool for holding back this long, afraid to let the friends I’d made get close just because I doubted they’d ever understand. By the time it was done pouring out of me, the only strength I had left was put into holding Fluttershy close.  I couldn’t even lift my head as my chest hitched and jumped in the aftermath of the immense emotional release. When I’d been quiet for a bit, Fluttershy lifted a wing she’d pressed to the back of my head to rub my neck a little, one hoof also rubbing my back, “Tobias… Sweetie…are you feeling better now?” Sniffling, I nodded against her, unable to talk just yet. “Whenever you’re ready, sweetie.  There’s no rush.  I’ll hold you as long as you need me to.” She hummed a comforting melody, letting me remain in her embrace as I finished calming down from everything I had to release.  My entire body was still tingling when I managed to pull back and give her a grateful, if weak, smile. Fluttershy returned the smile as she brushed the tears from my cheeks before giving me a kerchief she must have had waiting.  I felt guilty for using it as I blew my nose. A glance at the window informed me the sun was getting close to sunset, causing me to feel even guiltier for how long I must have been crying against Fluttershy. Taking a slow, steadying breath that still shook a little as I realized what I needed to do, I turned my eyes back to her, “Thank you for helping me through that, Fluttershy.  I...I am so sorry it’s taken me this long to open up.” If the dampness on the fur of my shoulder and shirt where she’d rested her head was an indication, I expected I’d left much more after crying into her fur so long. She smiled that same kind smile that was my undoing, “I’m glad I could be here for you.  Do you feel up to telling me what you’ve been hiding for so long?” I swallowed against the lump in my throat, feeling stronger than I had in quite a while, “Um… Actually, do you mind if I wait until we can get the rest of the girls together first?  I’m ready to talk, but I think I should tell all of you at the same time.” “I don’t mind.  I’m just so happy you’re finally ready to tell us what’s been troubling you,” she said, rubbing her hoof against my forearm. We talked about less important things for a little longer, ending up leaning against each other on the couch until I felt it was time to go.  I felt so much lighter on my paws when I stood up, even if I had a headache from all the crying. “I’ll talk to Pinkie on my way home and have her set up a meeting next week so we all have time to prepare.  Then, I’ll...I’ll tell you what I’ve been hiding.  I’ll even be able to show you a little,” I told her as we reached the door. Fluttershy looked at me with curiosity, “What do you mean show us?” I gave her a genuine smile, “It’s a surprise for now, but I think maybe it’s time I shared that part of myself with you and the girls, too.  On top of telling you what I’ve been dealing with for so long.” She smiled and said she was looking forward to it as we made our goodbyes. A quick stop at Sugarcube Corner, I found Pinkie sitting on the front steps with a big smile as I came up to her.  I knew better than to even try asking why she knew I had something to tell her. Pinkie was more than happy to get a private meeting together, though I did have to remind her she couldn’t make it a party because there was a lot of sadness involved for me.  Since she somehow knew everypony’s schedules more often than not, I wasn’t surprised when she said next week on saturday was perfect since we were all free or had time to move things away from that afternoon. Of course, I didn’t escape without a giant hug and a giggly happy dance over being ready to talk. When I got home, I stood in front of my locked desk in thought for a time after I had a light dinner, deciding it could wait until morning.  I went to bed early when I was done, needing the rest after crying like I had. I slept better than I had in over a year. *** Saturday I woke up and had a shower before making breakfast on my day of rest. Things felt different as I stood in front of my locked desk.  Opening up and letting so much of the pressure come out yesterday had left me feeling so much more like myself again.  It was a feeling I almost didn’t recognize after so long. Unlocking the desk and opening it up, I looked at all the organized stacks of drawings with a new feeling mixed in with the rest.  Going through my normal ritual, I grabbed the first of the stacks. I was slow as I went through the things I had drawn from memory.  This was my last connection to where I had come from.  Though it had just been a passion, my talent with life drawing had become a lifeline I had guarded with jealousy once I was able to keep my drawings safe again. People and places and memories passed in front of my eyes as I refreshed them in my mind.  Members of my family as I remembered them, rosy as their portraits were.  It was through these drawings I would never be afraid of forgetting a face forever.  I hoped they hadn’t suffered too much after I vanished.  It pained me to know how my disappearance would have affected Mom. Three stacks of memories passed by as I sat at my desk.  I couldn’t add to them very often anymore, after so long apart. Then I moved to a small stack of something even more personal. With mixed feelings, I looked at what I remembered of my old face and body.  Some were done in pencils, others in charcoal or other mediums I had access to here.  Each held something I wanted to remember, good and bad. Some might not understand as I looked at the particular portrait that showed my full nude body in as much detail as I could muster or recall.  For all it was and all it wasn’t, it was still who I had been. I looked at all the scars and the disfigured leg that used to be my everyday. It used to be I couldn’t walk much without crutches.  The car accident we were in when I was eight left a hard legacy twelve years ago and took my Dad in the process.  A drunk driver had initiated a pileup that was blessedly mild, despite the severity.  Mild for everyone but us. Thanks to circumstances at the time, we couldn’t afford much medical care and Mom couldn’t cover the cost to reconstruct my leg because the mangled bone couldn’t heal right, let alone fix the damaged muscles in several places.  Despite the modern world I lived in, I had to grow up crippled.  My weak health kept medical bills coming and Mom was only keeping our heads above water, unable to make progress. It was thanks to her I found some peace with my broken body.  I’d never get to run again or do any sports, but it got me to discover my ability to draw.  My left arm was a little tricky and missing three fingers, but my dominant right was flawless and gave me freedom to explore the images around me, and the ones I saw within. I taught myself many different styles as much through observation and experimentation as by books, or even instruction the scant few times Mom was able to hire an art teacher for a day.  Life drawing, photorealism, that proved to be my strong suit and Mom joked sometimes I was like a living photocopier. I didn’t know how or why I was stuck in this strange, softer-featured diamond dog body that wasn’t quite like the others, reminding me of a husky or a wolf to a point.  All I knew for certain, it was in perfect working order, and though I relished the freedom to move without restrictions much like I recalled as a kid, it still wasn’t quite mine.  I think I might have sunken into an unending depression, maybe even turned to suicide, if I’d not had hands of some kind and been unable to draw my way through all that had happened once I had some level of stability again. I gave the image one more look with mixed feelings, always feeling a very specific kind of guilt because I wasn’t sure I wanted to go back to the restrictions it had, even if that was my real body.  The funky bits I had now didn’t bother me much.  The sensitive ears and nose were kind of nice, although the fur care was annoying as hell, despite being used to it by now.  And it was so very embarrassing, but my tail wagged when I was happy if I didn’t keep control of it.  I slipped once in front of Pinkie and had to put up with comments for a week straight. With those stacks again arranged to perfection, I turned to the next two stacks. The first was a series of images depicting what I went through when I first woke up here.  The filthy pack of diamond dogs that had taken me in and tried to help me find a place.  They were a bunch of idiots with no education to speak of and the dumbest obsession with shiny gemstones.  I still got shivers remembering how nasty their hygiene was, even if they did try to help me when they didn’t have to. Despite teaching them some useful things that I hoped made their lives a little better and trying to educate them some, I hated hunting and being underground, had zero interest in gems, despised digging through the dirt like they did, and could get physically ill over eating meat.  I’d only managed what little I did because I had to survive. I was deliberate in trying to forget the horrors of the females I had to avoid.  They seemed to think I was trying to attract a mate all the damned time and made rather blatant displays. In just two months, working from discussions about other residents of this strange world and feeling I would do better elsewhere, I said I was leaving for the town several miles away.  They weren’t sorry to see me go, since I made no sense to them in turn with frequent bathing and only going into the tunnels at night to sleep. My time there was not great, but working to survive and helping them with my unique knowledge gave me time to get a grip on my bizarre circumstances, at least inasmuch one could get a grip on what happened to me.  I knew from experience that it was a valuable time, regardless of how pleasant or unpleasant it had been to my sensibilities. I never did figure out why I was a natural survivalist, considering I couldn’t do things as simple as backyard camping growing up after the accident.  Things just made sense when I had to get something done and I knew what to do. Turning to the next stack, I smiled to myself.  The drawings were some of the happier captured moments since coming to Ponyville, including when I first met each of my now many friends, starting with some of the closest. I looked at the drawing I made of my impression from when Applejack had been kind enough to hear I just wanted a job and let me start working on the farm.  Even I thought the drawing was a little flowery, but it was an important moment for me. I smiled wider as I looked at the drawing of Twilight’s face when I mentioned looking for the town library, not knowing who she was at the time.  The gravity-defying powers Pinkie displayed when she bumped into me the first time.  Rarity screaming when she opened the door to see me standing there.  Rainbow Dash when she found me exercising one day and wanted to race. And Fluttershy, when she found me on the edge of town for a quiet walk, having managed to trip on a sharp rock that cut my pads and sprained one of my funny digitigrade ankles.  She ignored my protests as she more or less dragged me back to her cottage and gave me some first aid, pretty much by force. That mare has the absolute scariest glare I have ever seen.  And that was including the time I saw Mom browbeating a guy for insulting my beat up body when I was eleven. It’s absurd how adorable and graceful she is, yet at the drop of a hat can turn into She Who Scares Dragons. Since then, conversations with her about everything and nothing were a bright spot in my week that I could never get enough of. More and more images passed in front of my eyes.  Images of friends, moments I shared with them, milestones in my life here.  Each was a worthwhile memory I’d made since coming to Ponyville in hopes of a simple, quiet life while I tried to figure out what happened to me. Setting the drawings back in place when I was done, I prepared a new sheet of paper and some pencils.  I wanted to capture my moment of release with Fluttershy yesterday while it was fresh in my mind. I spent the rest of the day working on that image and some initial sketchings for others, pausing only for lunch.  I didn’t lock up my desk when I stepped away for the first time since I’d gotten it.  I felt ready to share my drawings again and planned to share most of this stuff with the girls when I tell them what little I knew about the impossible thing that happened to me. As evening closed in, I lit the lamp I’d placed on the desk with the odd little enchanted igniter stone I’d found at Filthy Rich’s general store ages ago.  I only went as far as the basic operation of touch to wick, think of fire, light the lamp.  I tended to avoid thinking about magic over all.  I was more used to it now, thanks to Twilight more than anypony else, but it made me feel weird, with all the physics-defiance going around.  Something about it always unsettled me on a deep level. The new drawing was finished just as sunset ended and I stared at it for a while.  The private moment with Fluttershy was a turning point for me.  Far more than she realized. In the past two years, I’d struggled with acceptance. I felt like I could finally accept making a life here. And accept letting go of Earth as my home. I’d been so guilt-ridden, making friends even as I told myself not to get close because I was going back as soon as I figured out how to get my body back and return to Earth.  Telling myself I was just working to get by until I could go home to my real friends and family.  Sometimes trying to trick myself in a belief this was just a long bad dream. Now… Now I had realized how much I’d been lying to myself. My friends were far closer to me than I’d wanted to admit until now.  I hoped they would forgive me and understand when I admitted everything that had been going on.  The life I once had isn’t something I can reclaim, even if I did figure out how to return to my original body and world.  I’ve been through too much, become too different.  I had changed in a lot of ways beyond just the obvious physical one.  For reasons I did not know, even in my dreams I was stuck in a dog body. And I’ve made friends here as valuable as any I’d ever made before on Earth. Heck, aside from a few imbeciles, I was even accepted here as a familiar, valued member of the community that would be missed if I disappeared.  Wonder how everypony will react when I start drawing openly again, as I’ve never heard of a diamond dog artist.  Be nice to do a landscape, or capture one of Celestia’s sunsets sometime. Looking at the folded letter I’d written myself, I mused to myself that it was just another week, then I would come clean with all the friends that I’d been worrying.  Starting with the six most important to me. I opened the letter I’d written early on after coming to Ponyville as a reminder and an affirmation. It would have a rather different meaning to me from now on. ~~~~~ My name is Tobias Jonathan Maxwell. Through means I do not know and beyond my control, I was brought to this world against my will.  I will do whatever I must to survive, knowing I must change to suit my strange circumstances if I am to find home again.  I will stumble, but I will not surrender. My body may not be my own but it is what I have right now.  Until I have cause to change again, I will adapt to what I have and put it to good use.  Should this new form be found to bring new instincts, I will evaluate them for their worth and determine if they should be encouraged or suppressed. Regardless of what has happened or has yet to happen, I will remember that who I am has not changed.  My mind remains my own as far as I am able to discern.  The foundation of experiences in my life continue to define me.  I will not forget where I come from, nor whom I have left behind. Although I have seen, and will continue to see, things in this world that defy explanation by what I knew before, I can face them bravely.  Where I do not know how to respond myself, I will keep an eye on the local populace for cues and respond as they do.  Unless I have cause to conduct myself otherwise, respect and adoption of customs shall be my approach. I will remain Tobias, no matter what has happened. I am, and always will be, human within.