//------------------------------// // Chapter 65: Late Arrivals // Story: Celestia Uses An Online Dating Website // by RainbowBob //------------------------------// “LET THE FLAMES CONSUME THE SOUL AND BURN THE FLESH FROM THE BONE!” Fluttershy huddled behind a stone statue, hooves around her head. Every second she cowered as flames licked the landscape in torrents and infernos. Any moment she could be the next to be fed to the blaze, but at the current time only the damned army of bloodsuckers were the victims. Those not burned alive by the blazing sun above were soon obliterated by Celestia below, no mercy spent on any of them. Oh, also, there was Deadpool right beside her, rolling on the ground even though most of his body was on fire. “Deadpool, what do we do?” Fluttershy said. She cringed as another explosion rocked the earth, making cracks in the ground spring up and for specks of lava to pour out. “Can’t you use whatever is in your bag to save us?!” Deadpool took a moment from dropping and rolling to sit back up and rub his chin, which had mostly melted off. “Hmmm… nah, only good this would do would be against Alucard. But that jerk didn’t show up.” Deadpool shrugged, his early statement incomprehensible due to the fact his vocal cords had burned off around five minutes ago. “So basically we’re boned.” “What?!” “I said we’re boned!” “Oh, what a mess.” Deadpool stared at Fluttershy, but was quick to realize she had not uttered that sentence. Looking up right before him, his eyes grew wider (mostly due to the fact his eyelids were burning off, but also because of surprise). “Well, shit, you sure know when to make grand dramatic entrances,” Deadpool said. Alucard smiled, his fanged teeth glistening in the sunlight. His face was wrapped in dark shadows due to his widebrimmed red hat, his eyes were but orange lenses on wire-frame glasses, and the rest of his appearance was composed of a particularly gaudy red overcoat and suit that still wouldn’t have been particularly charming even a century ago, but from what Deadpool could tell, Alucard didn’t appear like the type of guy with charming in mind. Also a tan, but that was neither here nor there. “Uh,” Fluttershy said, her lip practically trembling, “that’s… th-that’s… Alucard.” “In the flesh, my dear,” Alucard said, his voice as smooth as satin as he took a bow and tipped his hat to her. “And then some, heheheh.” Glancing to Deadpool and his duffel bag, he arched a brow. “So, I presume you intend to kill me with that mystery device of yours?” “Well, I was, but as you can see we have a bit of a situation on our hands.” “You don’t say?” If Deadpool had eyebrows to raise he would have. Alucard raised himself back up to standing height and overlooked the fiery anarchy being wrought. The gardens were on fire, lots of vampires were dying, and there was Celestia in the middle of it, killing and burning in joyful glee. “Well, I do believe I can be the solution to your problem,” Alucard said, reaching a gloved hand into one of the pockets of his coat. “Sorry for the wait, but traffic was just dreadful on the way over here. However, when I heard a vampire bash was being held, far be it from me to not show up.” From out of his coat he pulled a ridiculously long pistol that would require superhuman strength along with sight just to hit anything without the recoil breaking your hand. “And I came prepared, as always.” “Wait, wait, I’m confused,” Fluttershy said, trading a look with Deadpool. “Why are you helping us and not just trying to kill us like everyone else?” “Because killing you right now would be so easy it’d be a bore,” Alucard said with a frown on his flawlessly white face. “Besides, I heard your princess was looking for a date.” Alucard adjusted his bowtie and smirked. “And I do believe I have what it takes to win the lady’s heart.” Deadpool rolled his eyes, which at this point were just two empty holes of flames. “Whoa, dude, don’t bullshit me,” Deadpool said. “What else is in this for you?” “How can you even understand him?” Fluttershy asked Alucard, only catching dried out gibberish from Deadpool’s lack of lips. “Super-hearing,” Alucard explained. “And yes, there is something else I want. In your duffel bag right there is something you presume can defeat me. After this is over, I want you to use it on me.” Alucard grinned a crazed and overall horrifying smile that split apart his face and could very well rip apart others. “I want to see if it has what it takes. To see if you have what can finally vanquish my never ending life. A fair deal, no?” Deadpool hummed under his breath. “Well… eh, I’m sure there’s no harm in trying, right?” “I couldn’t agree more.” Alucard turned from the two and made his way around the statue, gun held upward before him while he walked in a relaxed pace befitting one taking a walk through a park rather than a battlefield even Hell would be jealous of. “Oh, and do so try to keep from dying while I’m gone!” “He’s right!” Deadpool agreed. “Fluttershy, go get me a bucket of water and ointment! I’m not going out while I still have a chance!” Fluttershy blinked and stared at Deadpool blanky, who at this point was just a little bit away from being an extra-charred skeleton. “...What? No, seriously, I still can’t understand you.” Deadpool facepalmed, resulting in his hand disintegrating into black dust. “Goddamnit, this is a way crispy way I thought it’d end for me.”