//------------------------------// // How to Save Souls // Story: On the Corner of Straight and Narrow // by Tatsurou //------------------------------// When they reached Hell, they saw Jurgen manning the reception desk. "...no, we're six six six," he was saying onto his headset. "Ya, no problem, happens all the time. See you soon." He then turned towards the three of them. "Visitors?" he asked in surprise, seeing their badges. Sam had hooked his to his jacket, Max hung his around his neck, and Trixie hung hers from the jewel that held her cape fastened. "Well, how can I help you?" he asked in a surly tone. "We want to talk to the guy in charge!" Max demanded. "He's taken Bosco's soul too early!" Sam added. "Give Uncle Bosco back!" Trixie threw in. "I see," Jurgen replied. "His schedule is full at the moment. In the meantime, I suggest the three of you explore. Your visitor's passes will let you go anywhere except Satan's office." At that moment, Satan himself came out. "Jurgen," he said in a cultured, suave voice, "be a peach and clear out my calendar for..." His voice trailed off as he stared around at the decor. "Oh dear. Who authorized this?" He gestured to the design of the door frame through which Sam, Max, and Trixie had just come. "A giant horned skull? Really? I'm sorry, I thought it was 2008." "That means Trixie's 11, right?" Trixie asked Max, who nodded in response. "Where does the time go?" Sam muttered. "Oh, very well," Satan said in resignation. "Cancel all my appointments, would you? I'll be...in my office." He then turned and swept back out, completely ignoring the visitors. Trixie rounded on Jurgen. "How come you didn't tell him we were here to see him?" "I put you on the appointment book," Jurgen pointed out. "But you heard the boss. He wants his schedule clear." He smirked rather smugly. "I think he might be holding a grudge over us getting him killed by his zombies," Max stage whispered. "Vat vas your first clue?" Jurgen asked snidely. "So...how do we get to talk to Satan?" Sam asked. "He's a very hands-off manager," Jurgen replied. "He generally doesn't show up unless there's a problem...you're going to blow up Hell, aren't you?" "If it goes that far!" Trixie replied happily. "You said these visitor passes let us go anywhere?" "Except Satan's Office," Jurgen replied. "Why?" Grinning wickedly, Trixie led the way further into Hell. The inside of Hell turned out to be very much like an office building, complete with cubicles. "So...any ideas on how to cause problems?" Sam asked. Max pulled out his gun. "That won't do any good," Sam pointed out. "They're all already dead." Pouting, Max put his gun away. "Let's see what we can do about the souls," Trixie pointed out. "Is that the personal Hells back there?" She pointed to a large door with Sam and Max's heads inscribed in gold above it. "As good a place as any to check out," Sam offered, following her in. Behind the doors was a massive hall filled with shoe box sized doors, each with a window to the inside. Up front was a case for six such windows between two golden statues. The statues were of Sam and Max, but crafted to appear demonic, with horns, forked tails, and pitchforks. "Wonder what this place is?" Trixie asked curiously. Glancing around, Sam gasped. "I know what this place is...this is where they keep the souls of everyone who died during our cases!" "Then how come there's only one box here in this display case?" Max pointed out. "Probably because, since Trixie's joined us, our death toll has gone way down," Sam suggested. Trixie looked inside the single box. "Umm...how come there's an old geezer with a demon disguised as that Stinky lady in here?" she asked. Sam looked in. "Gadzooks! It's the real Stinky!" he proclaimed. "Fake Stinky really did do him in!" Max proclaimed. Glancing around, Trixie saw that above the door they'd come in from was a 'Hell Efficiency' bar with lights, and there was only one orange light lit before it dipped into red. "Hmm...would Hell efficiency dropping below 50% qualify as an emergency that would bring Satan running?" she asked. "Probably," Sam pointed out. "Then let's free Stinky!" she said happily, holding her Visitor's pass up to the diorama. The trio was sucked into Stinky's personal hell. Trixie stayed back as Sam and Max approached Stinky and the she demon to get answers. Up close, Grandpa Stinky scared her. After a time, they came back. "So what's the plan?" she asked. "Well, the only way to get Stinky out is if he stops suffering," Sam pointed out. "But the only way we're gonna manage that is if we get the show cancelled!" Max proclaimed. "Like that will ever happen." Trixie frowned as an idea came to her. "What's the show rated?" she asked. "All audiences," Sam pointed out. "According to Grandpa Stinky, they enforce that with censorship. He isn't even allowed to swear properly on camera." Trixie grinned as she got an idea. A wonderfully awful idea. "Let me know when they start filming again. I'll take it from there." The trio sat and waited until they started filming again. Trixie watched the cameras. As soon as they panned to show both Stinky and the demon, she cast her spell and made their clothes vanish. "What the?" the demoness declared, covering herself up under the censor bars that appeared. "I feel so free!" Stinky proclaimed, stretching and relaxing. Noticing several shocked screams from the rat audience, he quirked an eyebrow. "What? Ya act like ye've never seen a naked sailor before!" He then began gyrating his hips so they could have a better view. "And this is how I stir the batter!" he proclaimed. Hugh Bliss suddenly appeared in the corner. "My goodness!" he proclaimed. "This is far too inappropriate for this show's audience! Consider it cancelled!" The demoness cursed angrily. "Cancelled?" Stinky asked. "Praise the lord, I'm free!" he cried out, and the personal hell faded. Once more in the hall of souls, Stinky's soul floated out of the diorama to hover around them. The efficiency meter dropped into red. "Time to go enter negotiations with Satan for Bosco and Stinky's souls!" Sam proclaimed. Back in the main office, they confronted Satan, holding a cage with a soul inside it. "Ah, Sam, Max, and Trixie," he said crossly. "And what made you need my attention so bad you had to break hell?" "We're here for our friend's souls!" Sam proclaimed. "Where's Uncle Bosco?" Trixie demanded. "Trixie?" the soul in the cage demanded. "What are you doing in hell?" "Uncle Bosco?" Trixie asked, shocked. "Ah, the anomaly," Satan replied. "By his record, he belongs in hell. However, before he was collected, he martyred himself for others. Now, if it were before his death or caused it, that would be enough to put him in Limbo bare minimum. However, since it happened after, he's still earmarked for Hell...but the mark of the martyr is still on his soul, so regulations prohibit tormenting him. I hate when that happens. So much paperwork." "Well, we could take his soul off your hands," Sam pointed out. "And Stinky's, while we're at it," Max added. "That would be a load off my plate," Satan replied congenially. He pulled out some paperwork. "Just sign here to take custody of them." "Well, that was easy," Sam said, signing on the dotted line. "Now just do me a favor and think of the most horrible thing you can imagine," Satan said softly. Sam thought about it for a time. "Got it." "Good," Satan replied. "Now off you go." Sam vanished in a flash of fire. "Uncle Sam!" Trixie wailed. "Hey, what just happened?" Max demanded. "He traded his soul for theirs," Satan explained. "They never read the fine print," he chortled. "Now, he will spend eternity in his own personal hell." As Sam came back to himself, he glanced around. "Huh, I'm back in the office," he muttered. "This doesn't seem so bad. Right little buddy?" A demon disguised as Peepers grinned back at him. "That's right, partner!" Sam stared at him. "What are you doing here?" "What are you talking about?" demon Peepers demanded. "I'm your partner and best friend!" "But...but..." Sam glanced around, desperate to deny what was before him. "What about Trixie?" "Who?" demon Peepers asked. "My adorable little pony niece!" he pointed out. "Did you hit your head, Sam?" demon Peepers asked. "You don't have a niece!" Sam sank to his knees, already being crushed by the force of his personal hell. "It can't be..." "It's not," Trixie proclaimed as she appeared in the office. "Trixie?" Sam asked happily. "How did you-" "There's benefits to being well read," Trixie said happily. Rushing forward, she jabbed her hoof into demon Peepers chest. Demon Peepers let out an ungodly scream of agony as his flesh burned and he burst into flame, dissolving away. "How'd you do that, Trixie?" Sam asked, shocked. "Was your overpowering cuteness too much for him?" "Either that or Trixie's still holy according to a volcano god," Trixie proclaimed happily. Sam chuckled, scooping Trixie into his arms. "You crack me up, little filly," he said happily as he escaped his personal hell with her.