“Ponyville Police Department, what is your emergency?”
“Heeeeeeeeeeeeelp!”
“Okay!”
“Oh dear Celestia, it’s awful!”
“Mmmhmm.”
“No hope… no hope left in this bleak, dark world without mercy. Everything is just sinking, sinking, sinking into misery.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Why did this have to happen? Why, Celestia, whyyyyy?! I didn’t do anything wrong! I don’t deserve this! My sister does, though, the bitch. She’s the bad one, not me, never me—”
“Uh, ma’am, I can’t really help you unless you tell me what’s actually going on.”
“There’s some type of… creature stalking the town! It’s striped! It’s black and white. It’s… it’s… it’s…”
“A mime?”
“No, even worse!”
“Wow, I never thought I’d hear about something worse than a mime.”
“Oh, it is! It’s a zebra!”
“Dear Celestia… it’s worse than I could have ever imagined!”
“I know, right?!”
“Don’t worry, ma’am, I have an officer on the case right as we speak!”
“Huh.”
“Rookie! Wait, I was just about to call you… Waaaaaait, what happened to the lady at the other end of the line?”
“Oh, she ran away screaming for some odd reason. I was just gonna put the phone back up ‘cause—”
“Listen, Rookie, I reeeeeally don’t care. We have an emergency on our hooves!”
“Awww man, really? My hair still hasn’t grown back all the way since the last emergency.”
“Stop whining and listen up! In the area there’s supposedly a zebra menace—”
“Oh damn! Ziggers in Ponyville? I never thought I’d see the day…”
“Yes, just shut up already! It’s scaring away the townponies, so I want you to investigate and sniff them out.”
“With my nose?”
“No, it’s a metaphor. Like how you’re dense as a rock.”
“But I’m not a mineral.”
“No, of course not, because a mineral would at least be more intelligent. What I want you to do is find that zebra. Leave no stone unturned, no dumpster undived, no pony unfrisked until you’ve found them!”
“Pshaw, c’mon, Gumdrops, I’m a pro at this. I’m sure I can find any zigger in no time—OH DEAR CELESTIA THERE SHE IS!”
“Why hello there, friend. Could you be so kind as to—”
WHACK!
“...Rookie, what’dja do?”
“I… hit her on the head.”
“My oh my, I cannot lie, my head feels—”
WHAM!
“ROOKIE!”
“What?! She’s out cold now!”
“You just can’t hit random zebras on the head!”
“Ah, c’mon, ponies used to do it all the time! What type of country do we live in when you can’t even whack a zigger against the head?”
“A lame-o country, that’s what, but that doesn’t matter now! We have to solve this mess.”
“Should I… dump the body somewhere?”
“Nah, just sprinkle some crack on her and bail.”
“Ah, the good ol’ ‘crack and run’ maneuver. Excellent plan, Gumdrops.”
“It’s what I do. Also, when you come by the station, your nightstick is getting reprimanded.”
“Awwww man. Can I at least keep the taser?”
“You remember the last time I let you keep the taser?”
“I TOLD YOU IT WAS JUST AN EXPERIMENT AND NOTHING PERVY, GARSH!”
“Mmmmhmmm.”