//------------------------------//
// Ask A Friend...I have one, right? 
// Story: The Merc With the Moth 
// by Tatsurou 
//------------------------------//

After a time, Chrysalis stopped giggling and curled up in Deadpool's lap for a nap.

"She's so adorable when she's sleeping."

"Be honest.  At this size, she's adorable no matter what she's doing."

"Even if she were eating somebody's face off?"

Deadpool and the voices in his head took time to ponder that mental image.  A thought bubble appeared over his head with an image of tiny filly Chrysalis eating the face off her screaming victim as she made adorable nom nom sounds.

"Yes," Stuffy confirmed.  "Still adorable."

"Now I wanna see that for real!" Crazy added.

"She needs teeth first," Deadpool pointed out.  Standing up carefully, he carried her to his bedroom, which was just as messy as it had always been.  Walking over to one corner, he shifted a large pile of junk aside to clear a space before setting Chrysalis down on the life size Fluttershy plushy on his bed, right next to the Discord dakimakura.  Turning back to the corner, he pulled out a great deal of wood, hammers, nails, and other carpentry tools.

In a blur of activity that somehow managed to be quiet, he built a rocking crib that played "Hush Now, Quiet Now" from a music box every time it rocked.  Laying down several blankets, pillows, and a plushy version of himself in the crib, he gently set Chrysalis inside.  She immediately curled up in the crib, hugging the plushy tight to her chest as she nibbled on the head.

"Daw!  She's even cute when she's eating our face!" Crazy cooed.

"It's disturbing how adorable that is," Stuffy muttered.

Deadpool stared at Chrysalis' slumbering form for a time, then turned and walked somberly from the room.  He sat down in his favorite armchair, staring at nothing.

"Wade?" Stuffy asked.  "Is everything alright?  You're...rather quiet."

"Even in here!" Crazy added.

Deadpool sighed.  "What the hell am I going to do?" he asked.  "Obviously, I'm going to have to raise her...but I have no clue how to handle kids!  I mean, what about my life screams 'kid friendly' to anyone?  I already failed once before as a father, and I wasn't even involved for most of it."

"That was an alternate universe," Stuffy pointed out.

"And it's my only parenting experience!" he proclaimed angrily.  "I'm not cut out for this!"  He hunched over, holding his head near his knees.  "I'm going to screw up...I'm going to do something stupid or crazy or dangerous at just the wrong time, and I'm going to destroy her entire life because of it!"

"Alternatively, it could make her better?" Crazy offered.

"What are the chances of that?" Deadpool asked.  "Let's face it..."  He pulled his mask up to look his deformed face right in the mirror.  "Is this the face of a father?"

Crazy and Stuffy were silent for a time.  Eventually, Deadpool pulled his mask back down.  "See?  What can I do?"

"Maybe we could ask someone for help?" Crazy offered.  "Use a lifeline to call a friend?"

"Not a bad idea," Stuffy pointed out.  "But who do we ask?"

Deadpool scratched his chin.  "Well...who do we know who has kids?"

"Magneto?" Crazy offered.

"One child who's all but brainwashed in his service, and one who hates his guts.  Not a good choice," Stuffy pointed out.

"Xavier, maybe?  He has students at that school of his."

"And do you remember what happened last time we visited said school?"

"Hey!  I thought the reference was funny!" Deadpool complained.

"Asking a class of 13 year olds if they want to see a dead body before shooting yourself in the head is not appropriate guest speaker behavior," Stuffy scolded.

All three fell silent as they went over those they knew who had kids.

"Wolverine?" Crazy finally suggested.  "He has kids in this universe...right?"

"As far as we know," Stuffy replied.  "But he's still not talking to us after what we did to the Blackbird."

"Man..." Deadpool griped.  "Is there anyone we know we haven't pissed off to the point they'd shoot us before we get a word out?"

At the moment he said that, a blazing light appeared behind him in the apartment.  When it faded, a familiar future figure had appeared.

"Wade!" Cable barked.  "I need your assistance to prevent a terrible dark future!"

"Speak of the time travelling devil!" Deadpool said eagerly, leaping over the chair.  "A friend who isn't going to shoot me on sight!  Cable, I need your help to prevent a terrible dark future!"

Cable blinked.  "...explain," he said finally.

"I need parenting advice!" Deadpool wailed, sinking to his knees and clutching Cable's weapon belt imploringly.

Cable stared down at Deadpool for a time.  He then opened his canteen and examined the chemical composition on its contents, only to be disappointed to discover that, no, his water had not been tainted with any number of hallucinogens that could explain this logically.  Nor did it contain alcohol that could make this easier to deal with.  "Perhaps you should start at the beginning," Cable explained.

"Easier to show then tell," Deadpool explained.  "Come this way, but be quiet."  He led Cable quietly into the bedroom.  "She's over there," he whispered, pointing to the crib.

Cable glanced at the crib under two very different but still somewhat disturbing wall posters.





Doing his best to ignore the posters, he examined the crib's occupant.  "Wade...where did you find this...creature?"

"On my doorstep in a box labeled 'the plot'," Deadpool replied.  He approached the crib and stared lovingly at the tiny bundle currently sleep-eating his plushy's face off.  "Isn't she adorable?"

As Cable stared, glancing from the infant to Deadpool to the room itself, only one thought crossed his mind.  Oh my god, he's a parent!

"Oh, I love that webshow!" Deadpool proclaimed, having read Cable's thought bubble.  "But I don't think Goku's a good role model for being a good Dad."

"Yeah!" Crazy piped up.  "We should be Piccolo!"

"I don't think Chrysalis is quite as durable as a half-Saiyan," Stuffy pointed out, "so continuous training is probably not a good idea."

"Unless she somehow absorbs enough love from us to copy our healing factor!"

"Right!" Deadpool proclaimed happily.  "As soon as she starts super healing, I'm being Piccolo!"

Cable, having only heard Deadpool's lines and not knowing what he was talking about, began to back away slowly.

"Wait!" Deadpool whispered, clinging to Cable again.  "I really need your help!  You're the only one I can turn to!"

Cable sighed.  "Well...let's go back out to the front room, so we can talk without whispering."





A few moments later, Deadpool was sitting in his favorite chair with a notebook, while Cable was leaned against the wall with a mug of coffee laced with something stronger.

Cable gathered his thoughts.  "Alright.  First things first, Wade...you need to clean this pigpen up.  This kind of mess breeds disease, and you have no idea what Earth viruses and bacteria will do to her.  Until she adjusts, cleanliness is your best friend."

"Right," Deadpool agreed, jotting it down.

"We'll invite him to our next Smash Bros session," Crazy added.

"Second..."  Cable shrugged his shoulders.  "Beyond that, all I can offer is common sense."

"Pretty sure I have a short supply of that," Deadpool pointed out.

"Fair point," Cable admitted.  "Just...make sure she's well fed, and knows how much you love her."

"That's two points in one, since she eats love," Deadpool pointed out, jotting it down.

Cable blinked for a time, then continued.  "Other than that, keep an eye on her health.  Keep her warm and safe, try to keep her from being injured, and keep all the heavy weaponry out of her reach."

"Right.  No guns for Chryssi unless and until she acquires my super healing from feeding on my love," Deadpool said as he wrote it down.

Cable nodded, at this point deciding to just roll with it.  "Also, make sure she has a sitter anytime you go out on a mission.  Never leave her alone."

"Never...alone...got it!"  Deadpool glanced down at the list.  "Is...is it really that simple?" he asked, glancing at the few items.

"That's just the basics," Cable replied.  "You're going to have to build on that and figure out everything else on your own."

"...do you think I can pull it off?" Deadpool asked quietly.  "I...I'm scared."

"You, Wade?" Cable asked, surprised.  "Scared?"

"I don't know if I can do it," Deadpool replied.  Looking up at Cable, he pulled his mask up.  "Do you think I can?  Can you see this as the face of a father?"

Cable stared at him for a while, then stepped forward.  "This?" he asked, gesturing to Wade's diseased flesh.  "No, that's not the face of a father."  As Wade's face fell, Cable pulled his mask down.  "But this could be."

Deadpool looked up at him hopefully.  "You really think so?"

Cable simply nodded, then turned to go.

"Hey!" Deadpool called out.  "Didn't you need my help with something?"

Cable chuckled nervously.  "Actually...history showed that you were about to go on a carnage and debauchery rampage out of sheer boredom that would have touched off nuclear war and the destruction of 90% of life on Earth.  I needed your help distracting you."  He pointed towards the bedroom.  "But she beat me to it."

"Wow..." Deadpool said in surprise.  "I destroyed the world?  That's pretty awesome!  ...except then I wouldn't see where Season 5 is going!"

Cable shook his head.  "Oh, and you know how you said you were scared?  When it comes to being a parent...that's a good thing.  Good luck...Deadpool."

With that, Cable left Deadpool alone with his thoughts.