Previously on Stuck…
Church and Celestia manage to use the elements of harmony to purge the evil from Nightmare Moon. Celestia is happy.
With Luna fixed, everything's calmed down. It's night now, apparently it's supposed to be. The only pony outside besides us is a lone dude walking around lighting the streetlamps of Ponyville. Man, the whole 'sun going up and down' thing kind of messed with my internal clock, I could swear it should still be light out.
None of us seem to want to break the silent reverie of our victory. But I want to address the elephant in the room.
"Aren't there some other baddies that need their asses zapped by the helements of armory?"
Discord is keen to comment first. "I certainly hope you're not talking about me."
"Besides you. That's obvious."
For a moment, no one else wants to answer.
Until Shining Armor glances around and clears his throat. "Ahem." He stands up, and his guard buddy Cutlass looks at him as if he's about to give orders. "I don't know how many times I have to say this, but there are changelings in Canterlot!"
The girls mumble affirmative responses. Cutlass remains silent. Luna's asleep in Celestia's arms, who also hasn't said anything.
"Princess?" Twilight looks to Tia for guidance.
Celestia briefly looks around, no doubt trying to read us. "We must return to Canterlot. Twilight?"
"Yes, princess?"
"May I borrow the use of your bed? For Luna. I fear she may not be safe in the castle, and I do not wish to disturb her slumber."
"Of course, princess."
"We should hurry to Canterlot then. There is no telling what damage they've done already."
"PRINCESS!"
All eyes turn to the useless pony guard, Cutlass. He suddenly regrets saying that so loud, with everyone looking at him now, he's all nervous.
"Um… princess, if I may…"
"Yes Cutlass?"
"I um… that is to say that… I need to… tell you something."
I catch a glimpse of Discord doing something, and I see that he's now reclined in a comfy armchair and eating popcorn.
"Cutlass," Celestia says, "I am afraid that time may be an issue. Perhaps you can tell me on the way…"
"No! I have to say it now… your majesty."
"I am listening."
"I… I'm…" He breathes in, and exhales slowly. "I have information about the changelings."
"Is there any particular reason you did not impart this information sooner?"
"Uh… the… matter with your sister seemed more important?"
"Was that a question?"
"No. No, it was a statement, your majesty."
"Under any other circumstances, I would be inclined to disagree with you. But please continue."
"I… the changelings have… infiltrated the royal guard in order to gather information about Equestria's response to us-them."
"I knew it!" Shiny shouts. "Wait. What'd he just say?"
"I-I…" Cutlass stutters. "This looks bad, doesn't it?"
"Increasingly so," Celestia says as she gently sets her sister's sleeping head down.
"So wait," I interrupt. "You mean the useless guard was a spy?"
Shiny and Celestia slowly close in on him, and boy is he sweating bullets now.
Cutlass holds up a hoof and begs, "If I promise to surrender, will you promise to at least hear me out?"
Tia stops where she is and mulls it over. "I suppose…"
"Well it's like this… I'm a… I'm a changeling."
"Really, dipshit?" I remark. "No one's surprised! You already gave yourself away."
Ignoring me, he continues, "We have been gathering intelligence over the past couple months, to see if Equestria was planning an act of retribution against us for invading the capital city."
Celestia's right eyebrow moves up just a tiny notch.
"We also wanted to see what the anti-changeling climate was like in the Equestrian government."
The eyebrow moves another notch upward.
"If feelings against us were relatively calm within another couple months, we planned to make our move…"
Her one eyebrow is all the way up.
"And try to bargain for a truce."
Now both of her eyebrows are raised all the way.
"Unfortunately this whole Nightmare Moon thing forced us to accelerate our plans. However, we did at least find our bargaining chip today." Cutlass looks at me.
"What?" I ask. "What're you looking at me for?"
"Not you," he says. "Rainbow Dash."
"What about her?" I ask.
"We have been looking for a proverbial olive branch for some months now, some kind of gift to present to her majesty princess Celestia to show our good will. Sadly, we were not able to come up with any ideas until today."
"Do you mean to tell me…" Tia grits her teeth, clearly pissed. "That your kind are responsible for the disappearance of Rainbow Dash?"
"NO! No, no. Heh heh… no. We were in the room with you when you greeted the element bearers upon their arrival in the castle. We quickly figured out what was wrong, secretly worked on finding the real Rainbow, and we… had hoped that we could return her in time for her to use her element. Then we would've all come clean, and Rainbow would've told you herself that we were the reason she was returned home. Then we could've written up a truce and all lived happily ever after! But uh… we had some difficulties getting her back."
"A very fanciful story. Forgive me if I withhold my judgment until the real Rainbow is actually returned."
"Of course, your majesty."
"You needn't call me that. You are, after all, not really a royal guard."
"But I took the oath, your majesty."
"Whilst lying about your identity."
"I took the oath in good faith. I swore to protect you. That's why I returned even after you wanted nothing to do with me."
Tia seems to think for a moment. "How did you circumvent the unmasking spell I cast on you?"
"Changeling mage!" He points to himself. "All of us changelings in the royal guard are mages. Very good with magic."
"So it seems. Well, until Rainbow and Church switch back with each other and she can speak for herself, we are going to Canterlot. You can wait in the dungeon, while we sort out the mess you've made."
"Tia-" I say.
"Stop calling me that."
"Just hang on. I got this." I decide to ask the useless guard bugpony spy a question or two. "Hey bugpony, how'd you know I'm not me?"
"That's easy. We're changelings! Being imposters is what we do. You think we can't spot another fake?"
"Ok, well… if you really know where the real Rainbow Dash is, then you gotta know all about where I'm from, right?"
"Well… I know as much as my colleagues have reported."
"Your 'colleagues'?"
"Yeah, the ones in your world with the real Rainbow Dash who's stuck in your sasquatch body."
"Sasquatch?"
"Yeah, big hairless apes, right?"
"…Whatever. Ok, you know so much about me, what's my town called?"
"Wheaton."
"How about my friends?"
"Morgan, Claire, Danny, Dyllen, Silas, and Conner?"
Damn. "Oh yeah? Where does Danny hide his Cheetos?"
"What the heck are 'cheetos'? And should I know? I've never been there!"
"Well what do you know then?"
"I know… you run track and field. I know Silas is good at basketball and Conner isn't very good at football, but he likes to think he is. I know Dyllen is super awkward but kind of funny. Morgan's a geek but he acts all slick, and wears his sunglasses in even in the dark for some reason. Claire is scary when she's mad and Danny is kind of quiet and uninteresting but you guys hang out with him because he has a really big television set."
"Princess? I'm gonna go ahead and say this guy knows what he's talking about."
"Yes. I do. But Princess Celestia doesn't believe me. Can't say I blame her. It's alright, when the dust settles, she'll see it all clearly. I can wait."
"Maybe you can, but I can't. I'm dyin' here! Whose pony ass do I gotta kiss to speed this thing up?!"
"I thought you all knew how the spell worked?"
"I… refresh my memory."
"Both you and Rainbow Dash made a conscious wish to make the switch. I can't tell you who cast the spell, or why it was you and her and not anyone else in any other realms, but you both wished for it, didn't you?"
"I… guess? Technically?"
"So all you have to do is wish to switch back."
"I hate to break this to you pal, but I've been wishin' to go back since I got here!"
"I meant the collective 'you.' As in both of you. Rainbow included. She apparently has reasons to stay put. But we're working on it, don't worry."
Tia clears her throat. "Enough. We must get to Canterlot and assess the situation there."
"Uh, your majesty?" Cutlass says. "As far as I know, your majesty, there is no situation that any of my people are directly responsible for. I do know that my colleague, you will know him as Heavy Steel, was accidentally exposed as a changeling today. I heard that Discord may have had something to do with that."
All eyes turn to Discord. "Oopsie?"
"Apparently that caused a huge ruckus among the Royal Guards. Maybe the rest of the city, but as I said, nothing that we directly or intentionally caused."
"Discord?" Tia asks.
"Whaaaat? You should be glad that I pointed out the traitor in your midst. Hmf. You're welcome."
Tia rolls her eyes at him.
Later, in Canterlot…
"This… does not look like chaos to me," Celestia remarks, looking over the city from a castle balcony.
"And I suppose you're the ranking expert around here?" Discord asks sarcastically.
"At least we did not waste the girls' time by bringing them here with us," Tia says. "They deserved some rest."
"Well," I say, "if everything's ok here, how about we find bugpony's friends and ask them what the hell is up with Rainbow and when I can go home?" I look up at Cutlass, who's floating along like a helium balloon, tethered by a string that Discord is holding.
"Can I come down now?" He asks.
"No," Discord answers flatly.
"I think Church has a point," Tia says. "Where are your friends?"
"Well…"
Discord and I are waiting outside of Celestia's office, while she interrogates the bugpony brigade. We're sitting with our backs against the door… We were trying to eavesdrop, but the door is pretty solid, and we can't really hear what's going on inside.
"So did you really cause some mayhem by exposing that one spy?"
"Mayh-! Why does everypony keep insinuating that I'm wreaking chaos all the time?"
"Well… aren't you?"
"No! I am not!"
"But you did expose him, and that did start some kind of ruckus… right?"
"Erm. Yes, I suppose."
"And you took away Shiny's horn."
"Now that I did so he wouldn't hurt the poor changeling."
"Poor changeling?"
"He hadn't done anything wrong."
"He was a spy! They were probably planning world domination or something!"
"Oh, no such thing, Church. Didn't you hear 'Cutlass'? He said they were trying to be friendly."
"And you knew that when you exposed that spy?"
"Hmm… Heh heh." He shrugs.
"You didn't, did you?"
"What I knew, what I didn't know, does any of that really matter now?"
"Yeah… I guess not."
"They're talking about getting you home in there, you know."
"Really? You can hear them?"
"I'm not really paying much attention. I'm sure they'll tell you soon."
"Speaking of me going home… I'll hopefully never come back, but I don't want to leave any more bridges burnt here than I have to. And uh… well… you know… you're uh, not so bad, Discord."
"I'll take that as a compliment."
"What I'm trying to say is, I've been pretty shitty to you, and… I'm sorry."
He smiles. "No more than I deserve I suppose. Friends?"
"Friends."
Click
The door that was our backrest opens behind us and we fall over onto the floor.
"We weren't eavesdropping, honest!" Discord says to Tia, who's looking down at him on the floor.
"Mostly because we couldn't," I add.
"Get up, you two," Tia orders.
We get up.
"So what's going on?" I ask.
"In short, I am starting to believe their story. Apparently, they actually opened a portal to your world, Church, and sent in four changelings to try and get Rainbow Dash back here. However, they are currently having some kind of difficulties, and they are insisting that it won't take any longer than two more days."
"Two whole days? Aw man…"
"The changelings refuse to take credit for this mix-up happening in the first place, so that leaves us only with what you said. That Nightmare Moon took credit for you being here."
"That's what she said… but wait. That doesn't make sense. Because Luna wasn't Nightmare when I first got here."
"Unless the entity that is Nightmare Moon… somehow granted the wish that switched you two… without having a physical presence in this world?"
"Could Nightmare have been inside Luna this whole time? And like… granted a wish-"
"That was made upon a star? A wish that Luna could have heard if she so chose?"
"That's… not what I was gonna say, but I'll roll with it."
"It is starting to seem plausible. Perhaps Luna will know more when she wakes up."
"Yes. Perhaps. So what am I supposed to do for two days?"
"Ah, yes, I was getting to that. I have an essential task for you."
"Why do I get the feeling you're about to ask me-"
"To go to Ponyville and make some friends!"
"Oh gawd."
"Come now, will it really be that bad? It is only for a couple of days."
"Well what about you, we're friends right? Doesn't that count?"
"Yes, we are." She smiles. "And I would love to spend some time with you, but, as you can see, I am going to be quite busy cleaning this mess up."
"Fine."
"I think you'll enjoy yourself, Church. You have plenty of friends to start with. Right, Discord?"
"Him?" I point to Discord.
"Hey!" Discord protests. "What was all that about being friends a second ago?"
"I dunno. Anyway, do I have to?"
"Yes," Tia answers flatly.
"Le sigh."