“Finally, we’re here! That drive felt like it took all day!” I got out of the car, stretching all my limbs to loosen them up for the full day of walking around I was about to endure.
“Come on Axel, it was only about an hour.” Fred killed the ignition and got out of the driver’s seat, but then he stretched too. Wasn’t so easy of a trip for you either, huh?
I grabbed my peaked cap and sunglasses out of the back seat, looking at my reflection in the side window of the car to straighten them, then I leaned back in and grabbed my small backpack and my axe. “I wish I could have found a good costume axe rather than having to make this thing. I just couldn’t get the shape quite right.” I hung the axe from a loop on the side of the backpack.
Fred opened the back door on his side and pulled out his stuff - a floppy little green hat, a backpack with all kinds of equipment hanging from it, a boomerang, and a replica Master Sword. “You should have started looking earlier, you know it takes a while to put together a good cosplay,” he said while he put on his hat and started to gear up.
“Shut up, you know I didn’t know about Axe Cop until you showed it to me like two weeks ago. I was just barely able to find this awesome uniform, plus the matching hat and sunglasses, and grow in the mustache.”
“Yeah, the ‘stache looks good. You should keep it after the con. Alright, I’m gonna lock up the car, call me if you need to toss anything in the trunk you don’t feel like lugging around all day.”
“I doubt I will. Thanks, though.” We headed up to the entrance and stopped at the desk.
“Tickets?” asked the clerk.
“Nah, we prepaid online,” Fred replied.
“Alright then, I’ll need to see your IDs.” We pulled them out our wallets and handed them over, and she looked down at them and back up at us. “Fred Phillips and... Axel Axton Axington Tiberiaxe the 4th?” She gave me That Look. The look people always give me the first time they hear my full name.
I hate That Look.
I rolled my eyes behind my sunglasses and replied, “Yeah, you try growing up with a name like that.” She blushed a bit and proceeded to look up our tickets, then prints out our badges - mine said Axel - Axe Cop and Fred’s said Fred - Link, Hero of Hyrule. We took the badges and clipped them to the fronts of our shirts, then continued into the con proper. It wasn’t long before we split up.
“Catch you later, Axel.”
“Later. I’ll call you.”
After wandering around the hall for a couple hours and admiring all the great cosplays, I stopped a bit off the beaten path to rest my feet and just take in the sights. I saw few people wearing strange outfits based on that pony show I watched. I never really got into the fandom of it, those people are just weird, but I still like the show, and I watch it regularly. Suddenly I was distracted by a voice calling out to me.
“Welcome! Got somethin’ that might interest ya’!” I looked around to try to see where the voice was coming from and I heard, “Over here, strangea.”
I turned once more to look, as I thought I almost recognized the voice, and I saw a guy behind a table wearing what appeared to be a perfect replica of the Merchant’s outfit from Resident Evil 4. “Damn man, you got that voice down perfect.” That was when I looked down at the table and noticed he had replicas of all sorts of fictional weapons, from things as big as the Buster Sword all the way down to those little throwing knife things from Naruto. “Really? You have something that might work for me?”
Reaching into his massive coat, he pulled out the last thing I expected, the Perfect Fire Axe. Presenting it to me, he said, “Now that’s a weapon!” My eyes were as wide as dinner plates as he continued, “Not only will ya need cash, but you’ll need guts to buy that weapon!” Looking closer, I noticed a price tag stuck to the head - $40.
I quickly pulled out my wallet and fumbled around with it to see how much cash I had left. Realizing I had plenty, I pulled out two twenties and handed them over. “Sold!” I hesitated for a moment before grabbing the axe. “This isn’t going to send me to another dimension or something like that, is it? This just seems too convenient.” He shook his head and chuckled.
“A wise choice, mate.” I paused for a second more, then I shrugged and grabbed the axe. It even felt weighted like a real axe. I carefully peeled the sticker off and threw it in a nearby trash can, along with my crappy homemade axe.
After looking around first to make sure nobody was nearby, I gave it a couple of test swings. In the middle of the second swing, suddenly everything went black, like the power suddenly went out to the convention center. I didn’t hear anyone screaming or panicking, so that couldn’t be the case. Suddenly, I felt the sensation of falling, and I heard nothing but air whooshing by my ears.
“Daaaaaaaaammiiiiiiiit...”
“Oof!” Guess I dozed off, I had been falling for so long. A wood floor was not a nice thing to land on in any case, though I didn’t land particularly hard. Shaking my head to clear the cobwebs, I sat there for a moment while looking around to take stock of my situation.
The room was oddly shaped, but mostly roundish, and had filled bookshelves sunk into every available bit of wall space. Strange, the room didn’t look so much built as... carved out of a solid hunk of wood... My head whipped back to look in the center of the room, and the large round table I fully expected to see stood there with the familiar horse head statue sitting upon it. Curse that Merchant, somehow I got sent to Equestria, and naturally I had to land in Ponyville, specifically in the Golden Oak Library.
I got to my feet as quietly as I could so as not to alert anyone that might be in the library, then paused and cocked my head to listen. While there was plenty of sound from outside, surely ponies running around, doing their daily tasks, I heard very little from inside the building. In fact, the only thing I could hear was some light snoring from the bedroom area upstairs.
After hanging the axe that was still in my hand from the loop on my backpack, I tiptoed up the stairs and carefully opened the door, sneaking into the room as quietly as I could. Naturally, Spike was curled up there in his basket, asleep. Twilight must have been out of town for something, but what? There were a few times in the series she left Spike at home alone, but I had no idea which one this could be. I had to find out.
I gently shook Spike and whispered to him, “Spike! Where’s Twilight?”
“Mmmph. She went t’Canterlot with th’girls for some bacon thing,” was his reply, then he rolled over and continued snoring.
Bacon thing? Bacon? Oh, he probably said ‘baking.’ Baking thing... Hmm... Oh, that probably means I landed here during MMMystery on the Friendship Express, and all the Elements were on their way up to Canterlot with Pinkie’s big cake thing, along with that griffon, that mule, and Pony Joe. Okay, so late in season 2. Late in season 2!? That meant we were coming up on the changeling invasion! I had no idea how long it would be before the wedding, but I had to go stop Chrysalis!
I quietly made my way back down to the main floor of the library, then I paused to think. None of the ponies saw it coming, but Twilight had seen there was something wrong with Cadance. Looking down at myself, I realized I was still dressed as Axe Cop. ‘Dressed’, huh. Since I was apparently in magical pony land at that point, I wondered...
“Skateboard!” I whisper-shouted, so as not to wake Spike. Suddenly I heard a POOF! from just behind me, and the weight of my backpack shifted. I turned to look, and hanging from that loop where my axe was moments ago, was instead a skateboard with a picture of me on it in the full Axe Cop outfit, holding up an axe. That pretty much confirmed it, then. “I don’t think I can get that out of the loop, though. Uh, axe?” I said, not sure if that will change it back. Fortunately, it did, and my backpack no longer sat oddly.
So apparently I actually became Axe Cop. Alright, but then I needed a partner. Not just because Axe Cop always has a partner, but also because it might be useful to have a local that can help find or interpret things. I looked around again, and found the door to the basement. Grabbing a small unused table I found down there as well as a chair, I headed back upstairs. I then took a couple pieces of parchment from Twilight’s desk, folded one in half, and wrote ‘TRYOUTS’ on one side with a quill. I then stuck the quill back in the ink pot and picked up the whole thing. Heading outside with all the things I had collected, I put down the chair and table, put up the sign, and waited.
Most of the ponies pointedly ignored me. No wonder, with all the crazy stuff that goes on in and around this town, particularly in and around this tree. It wasn’t long, however, before a mint-green unicorn wearing a pair of saddlebags walked up to the table, gazing at me with her eyes wide and almost sparkling. “Are you a... human?” she asked, tentatively.
“That I am, little lady. Call me Axe Cop. And who might you be?”
She made an odd sound, almost a squeal, as she sat back on her haunches and clapped her front hooves together repeatedly. “Ohmygosh ohmygosh ohmygosh, a real human!” She coughed and stood back up, a slight blush on her face. “Sorry about that. My name’s Lyra, and I see you’re offering some sort of... tryouts?” she says, looking at the sign on the table, then back up at me.
“Yep. I just got here and I decided I need a partner. Someone who knows the area, and someone who can help me fight bad guys.”
“I sure do know the area, but I’m not much for fighting. I know a couple defensive spells, and I can play my lyre?” Her horn lit up with a golden glow for a moment, and a similarly-colored orb quickly grew into existence in midair in front of her. With a soft POP! sound the orb burst, and there was a small lyre floating there in front of her, encased in the same golden glow. Sitting back on her haunches again, she brought her hooves up and started to pluck at the strings, playing a beautiful, dare I say magical, harmony. As she continued playing, I felt a slight tingle throughout my entire body.
With a wry grin, I slid the other piece of parchment across the table to her. “Sign up here, we have a gang of changelings to kill.” With a flourish of her magic, she picked up the quill and wrote her name across the parchment, continuing to play her music all the while.
After she returned the quill to the ink pot, I spun the parchment around and looked down at it. “Lyra Heartstrings? Alright then.” Grabbing the quill myself, I scrawled ‘Harp Cop’ under her name. After that, I heard a faint clink sound from the ground near Lyra, so I stood up to see what it was. To my surprise, there were gold coins littering the ground around her, and a passing pony tossed another one down as I watched. She played a bit longer, then with a flash her lyre disappeared and she started to gather up the coins.
“Ponies really seem to like when I play my lyre in public, and they often give me bits in thanks for the performance. Thanks to that, I haven’t ever had to get a real job, so this will be the first time.” She finished gathering up the coins, bits I suppose, and placed them in her saddlebag with a jangle.
“Well, as I said, I just arrived here, and I don’t have any local money, but we need to get two tickets to Canterlot as soon as possible. Also I need to put this stuff away,” I gestured at the table, “and I need you to direct me to the train station.”
Lyra pointed in a direction away from the library. “The train station is over there, and the next train should be leaving in an hour or two. I’ll go buy us those tickets, and I’ll wait there for you.”
“It’s a plan, then. Get to it, Harp Cop!”
She gave me an odd look, but nodded and trotted off in the direction she had pointed. It took me a few minutes, but I put the table and chair back where I found them, replaced the inkpot and quill on Twilight’s desk, tossed the TRYOUTS sign in the trash, and folded up the other piece of parchment, pocketing it.
As I casually walked over to the train station, none of the ponies I passed gave me a second glance, heck most of them never gave me a first glance. I guess the ponies of Ponyville have really become inured to the weirdness that this town seems to attract. I spotted Lyra well before I actually reached the station, and once I got there, she passed me one of the tickets.
“The next train actually leaves in fifteen minutes!” she exclaimed.
“Good, the sooner we get there the better, the safety of all of Equestria could depend on it.”
After we arrived in Canterlot, I noticed most of the ponies here gave me a much wider berth than those in Ponyville. Guess they’re just not as used to the weirdness. Some of them stared, but nobody actually said anything. At least, not to us.
After walking for a while, we arrived at the castle gates, flanked by a pair of royal guards. One of them turned to us and asked with a scowl, “What is your business at the castle?”
Lyra lit her horn and pulled a piece of paper out of her saddlebag, then presented it to the guard. “We’re here for the royal wedding. Here’s my invitation, and this is my ‘plus one’.”
After a cursory inspection of the invitation, and a piercing gaze up at me long enough to get uncomfortable, the guard nodded. Turning to the other guard, he said, “It checks out. Let ‘em in.” The guard then gave Lyra directions on how to get to where the wedding would be held and added, “Better hurry, they’re scheduled to start in just a few minutes.”
We dashed through the hallways, with Lyra in the lead, until we arrived at the wedding, just about to start. Once we arrived, I took a cursory look around, and saw no signs of changelings, nor did Twilight appear to be present, only the other five Elements. Smirking to myself, I reached back and grabbed my axe, then charged up the aisle towards the pretty pink princess pony and the dazed white unicorn.
“I WILL CHOP YOUR HEAD OFF!”
With a single swipe, the pink pony’s head popped off of her neck, falling to the floor, followed closely by her body. Every pony in attendance either gasped or screamed, and the Elements all stepped forward. Applejack spoke up.
“What the hay do you think yer do–”
“STOOOOOOOOP!” A purple unicorn stood in the entranceway, her hooves spread and firmly planted. “That’s not Cad–” She interrupted herself as she noticed the corpse on the altar, which shimmered with green flames and transformed into Chrysalis, Queen of the Changelings, causing everyone to gasp or scream again. “Oh.”
Another pony that had the same appearance the changeling queen previously did walked up behind Twilight. “Seems somepony already figured it out.”
Suddenly, the decapitated body on the altar let out a single large spurt of blood, which shot across the room, hitting Lyra right in the chest. “Eww, gross!” she cried.
As everyone watched, holes opened through Lyra’s hooves. Her horn grew slightly longer, but became bent and twisted, small insectile wings sprouted from her back, and a gold-colored saddle-like thing formed under them and around her barrel.
“Does anyone have a quill and ink?” I asked. Twilight’s horn lit and an ink pot with quill appeared floating in front of me. I grabbed it, pulled out the quill, set down the pot, and took the folded piece of parchment out of my pocket. After scratching out where I had written ‘Harp Cop’, I wrote ‘Changeling Soldier’ below it.
Princess Cadance spoke up again. “The rest of the changelings should be stunned for a while by the sudden death of their queen, so it shouldn’t be hard to round them up. Thank you, whoever you are.”
I held my axe over my head and exclaimed, “I am Axe Cop! And I will kill all the bad guys!”