My Little Pony:

Versus Equestria

[The Road to Canterlot]

Interval 1.2: Stupid Laid Plans

A small, slimy little black thing, sleuthing over the ground and leaving an icky little trail in its wake. The fat rain drops splattered the Everfree dirt leaving patches as dark as the slug on the earth, but not one splatter of water hitting the creature. There was not a worry in its mind. Not a doubt.

The world bent to its will. The slug drifted on, crawling along without any troubles, without hindrance. The road was so wide, and stretched on forever, just for the slug. This path was moist and suited it perfectly, as if it had been built among the forest trees just for the little slug to travel along.

This was a powerful thought – so powerful in fact, our slimy little friend managed to hang on to the notion that everything was fine and it was meant to be in this world, right up to the point where a wooden wheel rolled over it, squishing the slug and instantly ending its short yet profound existence.

If we actually knew how the slug was able to hang on to this powerful thought up until the bitter end, we’d know much more about the mysterious machinations of our chaotic universe, and would be the better for it. After all, if we all thought like the slug did, we’d spend less time fearing the future and enjoy the now much-much more.

Oblivious to these universe shattering thoughts and philosophies, Trixie and Rabbit made their way through the Everfree forest, a region of natural forestation that curved around Ponyville and led right up to the Canterlot foothills.

Rabbit was drowning in rainwater. The monsoon had hit them out of nowhere, pegasi somewhere above the angry clouds obscuring the sky, bucking away at the grey coverings and unleashing a rainstorm that would make the Scottish shit a brick. As such he had donned his coat, a bright orange rain-jacket of what was supposed to be a waterproof material. Though it did little to keep him dry, and he was soaked to the point he no longer cared for the water seeping through his hat and clothes.

The wide brim of Trixie’s hat, sodden, fell over lazily and every so often the pony would lift a hoof to push it out of her eyes. Her usually bouncy mane was flat and bedraggled as her fur, and her cloak clung to her body as if it were stuck to her coat with pritt-stick.

Neither of them were down in the gutter though. They were cold. They were wet. But they were smiling and humming, finishing up a rendition of ‘Equestria Girls,’ and about to start their next travelling song. They didn’t need the light or the warmth of the sun to travel. They just needed each other.

Using their footsteps as something of a beat, Rabbit’s cheeks puffed up and he suddenly used his fist as a makeshift microphone. His free fist started batting against his chest in a rhythm as he started huffing out some vocal beats. It wasn’t something a high profile rapper would be proud to rap along with, but it was basically there, a solid enough beat to sing along to.

“I've got the ma-gic in me.
“Every time I touch that track it turns into gold.
“Every-body knows I've got the ma-gic in me.
“When I hit the floor the girls come, snap-pin' at me,
“Now everybody wants some presto magic, magic ,magic,
“Magic, magic, magic,
“Magic, magic, magic, awooooooh,
“I got the magic in me!”

As he slipped back into ‘beatbox-mode,’ Trixie couldn’t help giggle at the sight and sound of the ridiculous human, but she didn’t miss her queue. Losing herself in Rabbit’s beats, she nodded her head and slipped right into the next part of the song.

She rapped: “These tricks that I'll attempt will blow your mind.
"Pick a verse – any verse, I'll hypnotise with every line.”

Puffing up her cheeks, Trixie took over on the beats. Rabbit was next on vocals, and oblivious to the broken pitch that would have had him booed off the stage at any talent show, he took over: “I'll need a volunteer, how about you girl, with the eyes?
“Come on down to the front and stand right here and don't be shy.”

Trixie slipped back into the limelight with Rabbit backing her up for: “I'll have you time-travellin', have your mind go babblin',
“Ponies tryna in-her-it the skill – so they askin' me,
“Even Twilight Sparkle had to go and take some classes,
“I see Princess ‘Tia like, ‘What's up girl, what's happenin’?”

“Come one – come all, and see the show tonight,”Rabbit cried loudly, his voice clearly breaking.
“Prepare to be astounded, no Ghost or Poltergeist!
“You know I'm no Pinocchio, I never told a lie,
“So call me Mister Magic Man, I float on Cloud Nine!”

Without so much as a pause, both of them ditched on beats and sang the chorus with choreographed synchronicity: “I've got the ma-gic in me.
“Every time I touch that track it turns into gold.
“Every-body knows I've got the ma-gic in me.
“When I hit the floor the girls come, snap-pin' at me,
“Now everybody wants some presto ma-gic, ma-gic ,ma-gic,
“Ma-gic, ma-gic, ma-gic,
“Ma-gic, ma-gic, ma-gic, awooooooh,
“I got the magic in me!”

Rabbit and Trixie burst out laughing. Neither of them had thought or talked about the awkwardness of their smooch last night. It was forgotten in the past. Neither of them were even worried about what the future held in store for them. They were living in the present. The most important moment Father Time could grant mortals.

“You know the way you bust rhymes is pretty sexy.” Rabbit joked, pointing out Trixie’s smile. “If you stood on two legs... mmm-mmm-mmm.” Rabbit hummed like he was taste-testing high-class cuisine.

Embarrassed, Trixie looked away, still giggling. There walked a showmare, a professional in the line of ditching her self-esteem for the entertainment of others. And she was blushing after just a verse of botched up B.O.B.

“I know. I have that effect on people.” Rabbit stretched proudly before flashing her a sideways smile. “Y’know, there was this one time I met a gir-...”

Now let me cut off the story right here, because it is about here that Rabbit though he was dead. I’m going to try to put in a sound effect that best describes the sound that tore into the human’s eardrums...

BOOM!!!

And somehow I can’t quite get it justified utilising onomatopoeia. The sound of an explosion is something beyond what you can describe in just a few words, mainly because the sheer noise can’t quite be registered by your brain. It starts out as a bit of a pop, followed by a rushing, deafening noise. And it does exactly what said adjective suggests. Beyond the pop and the rushing noise your ears have already split open. All the hairs in the ear-canals flatten down and all that’s left is splitting pain in a section within your head that you cannot reach to soothe with a comforting rub. The only noise you can register at that point is the bells. Were you not already deaf you might describe it as a deafening ringing within the core of your brain.

Such was the experience Rabbit was having as an invisible rope tugged at his torso. He could feel the wind rush against his back, throwing him clean off the ground as he screamed in pain. He was swiped sideways, but he couldn’t be entirely sure since the world was a blur of motion all around him. Up-down, didn’t matter. All he knew was that his limbs were flailing around for something to catch on to as he flew through a void of pain and disorientation. It was enough to make him feel sick, and he could already taste his breakfast coming back.

The earth itself punched him in the back. It felt like God was giving him a spinal tap before Rabbit realised he was laying flat on his backpack, eyes fluttering as he stared at the incoming rain splashing his face. His bush-hat hung from the chord under his chin, fallen from his head in his tumble.

Gritting his teeth the human managed to roll onto his front. The ringing in his ears was subsiding. The first thing he did was check was for blood. After a quick pat down Rabbit found he wasn’t injured. Nothing broken other than his grasp on reality. Already a million scenarios were running through his brains.

AMBUSH!

Nothing seemed to be happening though as Rabbit stuffed his fingers in his ears and gave them a vigorous rub before checking his hands. No blood. That was a start. At least he hadn’t ripped an ear-drum.

He still felt sick though. The pain was enough to spin his head. Fucking hell, he thought to himself. How do the guys in video games just shrug this shit off? Many a close encounter with hand grenades in Call of Duty and Battlefield bobbed to the surface of Rabbit’s memories.

By the time Rabbit had managed to push himself to his feet and reach back to perch his bush-hat back over his head, the human could hear the fain patter of the monsoon rain striking his attire. That was when he saw it.

Debris. Where it had come from or what it used to be seemed to matter little to nothing. It was simply there, scattered over the road where Trixie and Rabbit had been walking. It lay broken all over the dark Everfree earth surrounded by mud and gatherings of water caught in pot-holes. Wood, broken and splintered. Canvas, torn and soaked with filth. Some shards of broken glass crackled under Rabbit’s soles as he drunkenly stumbled closer.

“Trix!” the human cried at the top of his lungs as he saw a length of wood move. “Trixie, can you hear me!?”

The panel was large and roundish, the edges ragged and splintered. Rabbit tore it away to find the dazed pony laying underneath, still tethered to the tow-bars of her wagon. Trembling with shock as Rabbit removed the debris weighing her down, Trixie’s hat flopped into the sodden dirt to reveal a dazed look in the mare’s eyes. The human checked her over to find the pony was – miraculously –uninjured.

“Wh-wha-...?” she couldn’t even stutter out even a simple phrase like “What the buck was that?”

Rabbit couldn’t blame her. Reaching back the human pulled loose his climbing axe and held it by the shaft, close to the hooked pick. The inner edge of the curved pick was home to serrated studs designed to dig into rock, earth or ice. But the outer edge was home to a makeshift blade, intended to aid in cutting into rock walls, or in an emergency act as something of a makeshift knife.

Rabbit quickly sawed through the tethers holding Trixie down so she was able to shuffle out of the debris. It was only when Rabbit tucked the climbing axe away again that he took a second look over the debris and realised where it had come from.

Her home. Her place of warmth and solace. The only thing she had called home her entire life... it was gone. Rubble, laying splintered and broken in a muddy puddle strategically gathered along the centre of the road.

“I think your house just exploded.” With a normal, reasonable tone in his voice, Rabbit said it as if a wagon spontaneously exploding was a perfectly normal thing to happen.

Their shock didn’t quite end there though. The debris suddenly shifted and a familiar bag of coin levitated into the air, surrounded by a wavering aura of shadow. The fat cotton bag filled and bulging with over a thousand bits tied by a length of crimson chord chimed loudly as it shook lightly. Rabbit instinctively looked to his side to see if Trixie was levitating their combined savings.

That was when the darkness gathered. The grim shadows seemed to creep in from every corner, under every leaf, out from every cluster of root, melting from the debris and gathering in an orb beside the bag of coin.

Then with a whoosh of air and a distinct ‘crack’ that once more threatened to split Rabbit’s ears, there stood a pony.

Actually, more of a horse than a regular Equestria pony. This one was taller than any pony Rabbit had seen before, at least an inch or so taller than the human, not counting the long pointed horn protruding from the head. With a slender build, long legs and a billowing tail and mane that looked like they were made of the night sky, the mare before them was an amalgamation of all three kinds of pony. The tough build of an earth-pony, the grand feathered wings of a Pegasus and the mysterious alicorn on her forehead, the source of her magical power. The very power that seemed to embrace Trixie and Rabbit’s combined savings.

She had a coat that was midnight black and emerald eyes, her pupils vertical slits like that of a cat, or perhaps a dragon. Just above her brow of deep purple she seemed to be wearing an azure helm to go with her iron-clad hooves and the ornate looking chest-piece wrapped around her slender collar, centred by a pale gem that shone like the moon. On either flank were patches of purple, framing her cutie-mark, the mark that set all ponies apart. The mark that would tell any exactly what the individual pony’s calling in life was.

This winged unicorn had the mark of a crescent moon on her flank, which could mean only one thing.

“Nightmare Moon!” Trixie gasped, taking a step back in fear. The showmare’s pupils seemed to contract severely as she sank into a quivering heap.

Rabbit on the other hand stood his ground, tugging loose his climbing-axe once more, intending to use it as a makeshift weapon if the need arose. Holding it by his side though, Rabbit didn’t realise his internal instincts were moving his feet, and he shuffled subtly away from mare who had appeared holding their savings hostage before them.

“Yeeeessss,” came her hiss. “This will do nicely.” A wide crocodile grin spread across Nightmare Moon’s face at the sight of the cowering Trixie. “Tut-tut.” She said in a loud voice that sounded like it belonged to some kind of Saturday morning cartoon villain. “It’s not nice to take things from other ponies.” her gaze suddenly shifted to look at the climbing-axe wielding human standing beside the unicorn. The mare’s eyes visibly widened. “A human?” she sounded surprised, however her voice suddenly went low along with her eyelids, filled with an interested purr. “Interesting.”

“Listen lady... pony...” Rabbit shook his head for a moment to try and ditch the shaky tone in his voice. “Look, just drop the coins, okay? We’re not looking for trouble.”

“Good, good.” Nightmare Moon giggled with mock pride in the human. “Because I am! Mwua-hahahahahaha!” she broke out into a maniacal cackle before dissolving before their eyes.

The bag of coin that had taken two months of risky action to procure was dragged in tow, as the living glob of shadow that was once Nightmare Moon’s pony-form snaked away past Rabbit. She darted off towards the forests as Rabbit cried out.

The bag was whipped out of range as the human lashed out with his axe in mid-flight. The pick-end slashed straight through Nightmare Moon’s shadow-form, but the globule of energy just dissipated and reformed out of reach, allowing her to dart away even quicker.

The human flopped face down into a puddle, confused, angry and a few thousand bits poorer.

Trixie had recovered, standing somewhere by the angered human’s back. “Rabbit, we have to leave!” she cried with desperation in her voice. “Nightmare Moon is pure evil! Forget the bits, we’re lucky to be alive!”

Rabbit just stood there, left fist clutched, right fist white knuckled around his climbing-axe.

The human suddenly turned and pointed to the rubble that used to be Trixie’s wagon. “Stay here and salvage what you can.” He suddenly said.

Trixie frowned before whipping the sticky and muddy fringe of her mane out of her face. “While you go and do what?”

“Uh-huh? And how exactly are you going to do that when the thief is the Mistress of the Night!?”

Rabbit merely shrugged as he started moving in the direction Nightmare Moon had escaped. “I was thinking some gratuitous violence.” – He held up his climbing-axe – “Y’know... improvise!”

“You’re going to pick a fight with Nightmare Moon?” Trixie galloped up behind him and stomped audibly in a puddle to emphasise her dismay at that idea. “That’s crazy-talk!”

“You got a better idea?” Rabbit rounded on the pony almost angrily. The brim of his bush-hat shook just above his glare with every fat rain drop that smacked into it. “Restart back at Stalliongrad? Re-do everything we’ve done the past two months? Hell no! I’m getting you to Canterlot and you’re getting that inn you were talking about! I’m not letting some nag of the night fuck with us like this!”

Trixie burst out with an explosive sigh, her eyes rolling slowly. “Rabbit, please. I don’t need-...”

Rabbit was already gone, fighting through the undergrowth, and soon the forest had swallowed him whole like a hungry manticore. He was completely out of sight, the heavy patter of rain cutting out the rustling noises he made as he moved somewhere beyond the thick foliage. Trixie’s gaze hung sadly.

“Sweet Celestia...” she prayed in a whisper to herself. “Please bring him back to me...”

Heavy hearted Trixie turned away and started picking through the wreckage of what used to be her home. What used to be her place of warmth and solace.

***[]***

His trainers striking the sodden path was heard loudly in the air as the rain had finally subsided. Rabbit was running full tilt over a clearing towards the pair of stubby standing stones directly ahead of him. Once he had broken the treeline, it took him about twelve seconds to drop to one knee and slide into the shadow of one of the standing stones lining the small winding path leading to the ruins.

About fifteen metres ahead of him, Rabbit saw the ground drop away into a sheer chasm. Standing in that chasm, atop a perfectly flat topped stack about a hundred metres in diameter were a set of old, crumbling castle ruins. They were for the most part, intact, the outer walls still standing, along with the heavy wooden doors along the front. Near the back of the ruins Rabbit could make out a tall, crooked tower topped by some broken battlements, and there seemed to be some partially collapsed chambers along the flank.

Leading over the chasm to the stack where the ruins were situated was a rickety looking bridge, made of rope and mouldy looking boards of wood. In all, a very un-hospitable sight. But that was where Rabbit had to go.

Most of the windows were dark, but others were lit up, golden light spilling and flickering from them with the activity within. Rabbit could hear Nightmare Moon cackling maniacally within over the sound of hissing steel and thick, boiling fluids.

Rabbit scratched his head through his hat and moved forward. He paused momentarily to look at the bridge stretching over the gorge.

Gulping audibly, the human took a deep breath and gingerly moved on. One foot in front of the other, Rabbit pushed on, trying his best to ignore the queasy sway of the bridge.

His stomach churned by the time he reached the halfway point and he could taste his breakfast again.

“Ugh, I hate heights.” Rabbit complained, feeling the blood pound painfully through his finger-tips.

Swallowing down the urge to vomit, the teenager forced himself to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Almost there... almost there...

It felt like an eternity by the time he was across the bridge, and when he did find himself on solid ground, Rabbit dropped onto all fours and kissed it, not a care for the taste of grit and mud on his lips. The ground was his best friend, and he was glad to embrace it once more.

Once he had recovered, Rabbit cleared the courtyard in a few long strides and threw his shoulder against the stone frame beside the grand front doors. The far door was close, with the door right beside Rabbit hanging wide open. Typically he’d have to lean around the crumbling masonry to peek inside, but Nightmare Moon’s mutterings and chants were louder now. He dared not look for fear of being spotted.

An idea sprang into his head. With one hand he fished into his pocket and the teenager quickly produced a mobile phone. Nothing fanciful like a smart-phone or any of that android crap. It was a simple Nokia C2, something easy to use that did exactly what a phone was supposed to do. Make phonecalls and send text messages. Not that Rabbit was making any phonecalls from Equestria mind you. There was no reception, however there seemed to be severe ionisation in the Equestria air, probably thanks to all that magic buzzing about the place, since the electronic device had been caught in a permanent trickle charging cycle. Rabbit was surprised the battery hadn’t burst by now.

So there was no service, no need to make any phonecalls, why had Rabbit hung on to the damn thing?

Well, it came with a cool little feature. Ladies and gentlemen, I present the camera-phone.

That’s right. A camera. In his phone... if that shit shocks you, what rock have you been living under?

Rabbit unlocked the keypad with a quick combination press of buttons and angled the device around the corner. He paused a moment to wait for focus, then clicked the ‘shutter’ button. There was a soft ‘ka-chick’ and Rabbit quickly pulled his hand back. By the time he looked down at the screen, the preview had vanished.

With a sigh, Rabbit closed down the phone-app, then opened the photo album. Soon he was flicking through the various pictures he had been taking in Equestria. There were snapshots of Trixie pulling her wagon with a smile. There were a few shots of Rabbit practicing his ‘grappling hook manoeuvre’ with his climbing-axe. There was even a picture of Trixie magically tending to a stab wound in Rabbit’s hand, thanks to said manoeuvre. The final picture was of Rabbit and Trixie sitting side by side on a hill, Canterlot visible in the background. Both of them were smiling, huddled next to each other with the warm summer sun glowing high above their heads.

Rabbit pressed the ‘next’ button and found himself looking at the inside of the castle. There were broken tiles on the floor. The ceiling was missing, and wooden support struts and sections of collapsed roofing lay shattered over the ground.

To the far end of the chamber there was some sort of smelting construction, massive burning furnaces pouring a golden liquid into vats and moulds. Steam hissed into the air as the moulds were run through vats of what looked like water and a glowing... something, came out the other end. Each mould was neatly laid in rows like man-sized dominoes on the far end of the chamber.

There were also racks of wood, home to glittering weapons. Swords and shields, all glowing like the summer sun.

“What...” Rabbit tucked away the phone and moved through the doorway with confusion. There didn’t seem to be any sign of Nightmare Moon as he entered the chamber and laid eyes upon the machinery and the weapons racks.

They were indeed, weapons made of what looked like solid gold. Or perhaps they were gold plated. Rabbit couldn’t tell, all he knew was that he had stepped into an armoury worth several billions of bits. And then he saw her.

Nightmare Moon was indeed there, just perched out of sight. She stood high atop a balcony by one of the vats, a spiralling staircase leading all the way up along the outer wall of the chamber to her nest. She was holding bags of coin over one of the smelting vats, throwing in dozens of golden coins at a time. She was smelting down Equestria’s wealth to forge weapons for an army. But where was the army to use said weapons.

“What do you think, little human?” Nightmare Moon addressed him without lifting an eye to even look at him. “Impressed?”

Rabbit waved at the weapons, still confused. “What the hell, lady? You trying to break some kind of record for most expensive armoury in Equestria?” and then he took a double take on the swords and shields. They were commonly recognizable as ancient human weapons. Weapons with handles. Handles that needed to be handled by hands, not hooves. “And they’re not even pony-friendly weapons!”

Nightmare giggled a little frighteningly. “Exactly. That’s the beauty of it. Celestia’s guard won’t be able to use them proficiently against my own army of warriors.”

“All chiefs, no indians.” Rabbit commented. “You can make all the weapons you like, nopony is going to join your recruitment line.”

Nightmare Moon giggled again throwing an empty purse to one side. “That’s the second beauty of it. I don’t need to recruit. I just need to build.” she reared up and laughed loudly, lightning bolts striking in the distance to illuminate her wide, crazed eyes. It took Rabbit by surprise and he hopped back as if the lightning had struck at his feet. “I’ll build a dozen warriors out of solid gold today, I’ll have one million by next month. I will hit the banks, the cities and the treasuries all across Equestria to find the base resource that makes up my army and their weapons. With all of the gold in my possession, Equestria’s economy will collapse. Ponies will be thrown into the disarray of complete bankruptcy. And while the army is penniless and unable to fund any kind of proper defence, by golden army will sweep over the land and conquer all.”

Rabbit frowned. “That is the stupidest idea I have ever heard, and I’m not even sure ‘stupidest’ is a real word! Golden army?”

A big, evil grin spread across Nightmare Moon’s face. “Oh, yes. A golden army.”

The moulds in the corner of the chamber cracked and broke open. The stone crumbled away into a fine grit to reveal the tarnished metal underneath that glowed like the sun. Golden bodies made of simple bone-shapes, joints held together by magical forces and invisible strings manipulating the puppets of pure death, the solid gold skeletons briskly moved to the weapon racks and retrieved swords and shields.

Rabbit stared wide eyed. It took him a moment to take it all in. Human skeletons, solid gold, empty eye sockets and clacking jaws.

“Humans are war personified. What form would better suit my foot-soldiers than the human form?” Nightmare Moon giggled somewhere above.

Rabbit wasn’t paying attention to her anymore as a dozen golden skeletons formed with weapons drawn before him.

“Okay, just because I just crapped myself, doesn’t mean that plan still isn’t stupid.” The human mumbled to himself.

It was at that point Rabbit realised running after Nightmare Moon to retrieve the stolen coins may have been a bad move. Still... shoulda-coulda-woulda. There was no point crying about it. Rabbit didn’t like to whine about the mystery of the future. The present was a much more fun moment to live in. And there was no point crying over past mistakes. The present was the only time he’d be able to fix them.

So Rabbit drew loose his climbing-axe, his only weapon, ready to correct his error.

Nightmare Moon laughed at the sight of the diminutive weapon compared to the longswords and sturdy shields of her own golden infantry. “You’re kidding, right?” she asked in a cheerfully evil tone of voice, before it turned flat and inquisitive. “You’re kidding.”

Rabbit was far from joking. He didn’t have a choice. He wasn’t backing down now. If he ran, he might not get to Canterlot – or any town for that matter – in time to warn anypony about this crazy mare’s plan for Equestria Domination. The only way out was through. It was up to him to put an end to this.

Still, he would have preferred if the weight of the world was on someone else’s shoulders. Rabbit gulped as the first 24-carat skeleton charged, the shield reeling back in preparation for a mighty bash.

Oh, balls.

The shield rose and swung straight for the face. Moving on pure instinct, Rabbit darted to one side. His head lowered as he felt the air of the shield-bash swoop past his face, the air of a sword cut mere inches above the top of his scalp.

Twisting around, Rabbit straightened up and hooked his climbing-axe in the crook of the skeleton’s elbow. Grabbing hold of the golden wrist of the hand that held the sword, Rabbit quickly swung his axe around again and embedded the pick into the shoulder. He gave a tug, but the weapon didn’t come free.

With an aggravated grunt, Rabbit kicked his heel against the skeleton’s ribs and wrenched the climbing-axe. And with a pop the entire arm came free in Rabbit’s hand. the golden skeleton fell face down, still moving, and when the human looked to the arm in his hand, he noticed the elbow joint and the wrist were still flexing, as if to manipulate the sword still held tightly in the fingers in such a way to decapitate the teenager.

Giving a shocked cry, Rabbit swung the sword around, still holding the dismembered arm by the wrist and the blade made contact with the fallen skeleton’s neck. The head was lopped clean off with a clash of gold on stone, and the skull rolled away out of sight.

Whew. That was lucky. The teenager thought to himself, surprised at how that had turned out.

He quickly tucked away his climbing-axe and pried the sword from the skeletal fingers before tossing the arm aside. Armed with a proper weapon now, Rabbit weighed the blade, then gave it a quick flourish in a simple figure-eight pattern. The sword was actually pretty light for something made out of solid gold. It was surprisingly durable too, considering gold was both a very soft and very heavy metal.

Focus, Rabbit. A small voice in the back of the human’s mind hissed impatiently. You’re in a magical land inhabited by talking ponies and god-only-knows what else in this world has a vocabulary that can put you to shame. It’s magic, it doesn’t need a rational explanation. Just be glad.

Unknown to even himself, Rabbit decided to apply standard ‘Human in Equestria’ philosophy to the situation – standard philosophy being ‘shut the hell up and go with it’ – and stood ready, sword gripped in his right hand, left clenched into a fist. The skeletons were clumsy and reasonably easy to beat. Rabbit actually stood a ch-...

“Mwa-hahahaha!” Nightmare Moon laughed heartily. “You really think my warriors can be defeated so easily?”

Hearing a scrape of metal on stone, Rabbit slowly lowered the blade and turned to see the decapitated skeleton climb to its feet. Shield held ready, the headless skeleton prepared to charge Rabbit again, lack of head and an arm not at all a hindrance for the creature.

Slouching tiredly and giving an aggravated moan, Rabbit rolled his eyes. “Urgh. Yeah, I was kinda hoping.”

The partially demolished skeleton charged in with a swing of the shield. Rabbit was ready though.

He sidestepped and swept low, running his blade through the hip-bone. With a light pop the entire leg came off and the warrior fell to the ground, where Rabbit reeled back and delivered a swift kick across the ribs.

The skeleton broke apart with relative ease, the fragile magic holding the puppet together easily enough interrupted.

As he straightened up, Rabbit saw the next skeleton swing for the torso. Teeth gritted and gripping his own weapon in both hands, Rabbit managed to block... just barely.

His whole body shook as the two weapons bounced off each other. Rabbit was forced to take a step back. As he did though, he whirled to one side to meet a shield. Another flanked the human and smashed its shield against his torso. Rabbit was quite literally thrown clear.

His arms and legs kicked for balance, shortly before he landed hard and in pain, flat on his back. With a grunt he slid to a halt and tried his best to push the pain to the back of his mind. To little avail.

A shadow was cast over him and Rabbit’s eyes flitted upward to see one of the skeletons preparing to run him through. Glancing down again, Rabbit tensed himself, then kicked his legs upward. Rolling backwards over one shoulder, the human managed to clumsily land on his feet before swinging his sword around, single handed, in a wide arc. The blade led out a pair of dull clangs as it cut clean through the ankle joints of the golden skeleton.

In an instant the creature fell, and weapon in both hands, Rabbit rose to one knee, wildly hacking at the thing. With each successive blow his war-cry grew louder and more rage filled... that was, of course, if you could consider a scream usually heard coming from the mouth of a seventeen year old girl being drenched by water in front of her prissy friends a legitimate war-cry.

As the second skeleton fell apart, Rabbit jumped up and swung his sword into the third... when he suddenly realised the shield between his blade and its mark.

Ever take a metal baseball-bat and swing it as hard as you can into the side of a solid object that would be quite impossible to move? Yeah, that was kind of what Rabbit had attempted to do.

The sword bounced off the shield, and with every limb stiffened and a painful wavelength resonating through his entire body, Rabbit sort of stuttered with his jaw grit on the spot. Despite his legs not moving, he managed to bounce out of the defending skeleton’s reach. The blade fell from his hands and landed with a pronounced metallic clatter before Rabbit was able to shake himself loose and recover.

And just in time too. He leaned backwards feeling the tip of a blade aimed for his head take a few hairs off his fringe. Swinging his arms like windmills so he wouldn’t lose balance and land on his ass, Rabbit caught himself in time to see the skeleton dead-set on decapitating him ready for another swing of the sword. The human twisted around and dove out of the way, hands reaching out towards the nearest glinting weapon he could find.

The blade swished venomously behind him, and if Rabbit had a tail he might have lost it.

He landed on one of the fallen shields, scooping up the item before he tucked into a ball and rolled smoothly to his feet. Down on one knee, Rabbit saw the sword come around to bite him again, and the teenager lifted the heavy round shield in both hands. Gold met gold with a fierce explosion of sparks and Rabbit felt his arms buckle, forcing the inside of the shield against the side of his face.

“Unfh...” the human snorted awkwardly, pushing against the skeleton’s oddly superior strength with both arms and his face. Rerouting all power – which isn’t saying much in Rabbit’s case – the human managed to plant his feet and eventually pushed.

The skeleton took a step back to keep balance and Rabbit was on his feet again, shield in one hand by his side, centre of gravity low enough for him to sweep out with a low kick.

The crook of his right foot kicked the offending skeleton’s legs out from under it, at the same time the shield coming up before smashing down on its rib-cage. The 24-carat warrior literally burst apart, limbs shooting out one way, head skittering away across the stone floor.

It was almost funny to watch... had it not been for the other nine skeletons lining up for a chance to have at the human.

Rabbit glanced to them, then averted his determined glare towards the mare perched cackling like a maniac above the battlefield. Rabbit’s was a look of determination. Determination to live through this. Determination to get Nightmare Moon back for smelting down all his ‘hard-earned’ bits. Determination not to let this bitch of the night screw with Trixie’s world.

With a cry, Rabbit swung the shield in a wide arc and let go of the handle with a flick of the wrist. Immediately a patriotic sounding (and very much copyrighted) theme-tune ran through his mind as he watched the makeshift frisbee soar, spinning and curving through the air towards the skeletons. The creatures clumsily stumbled out of the way, but one wasn’t quite fast enough.

The golden warrior twisted out of the way, but the golden shield slammed into the jaw, breaking the jawbone clean off with a sickening crack!

The skeleton remained on its feet though, and jawless led the charge of the skeletons running at Rabbit. But the human wasn’t watching them. He was already beating feet up the curving staircase leading to Nightmare Moon’s balcony.

The charge was all zeal, no plan. Rabbit figured there was no point even making a plan. No point bitching about the future if he couldn’t focus on surviving the next twenty seconds.

Heck, he pondered a plan for a moment. And paid for it, dearly. He lost focus on how he was planting his strides and slipped over a slick edge of one of the worn down stone steps. With immediate effect his legs kicked backwards out from under the boy and he landed flat out on hands and knees, pain shooting through his limbs where he smacked into the stone.

He was going to get up and keep moving, when he suddenly realised how close the skeletons were on his tail. Jawless and one other were already casting their dim shadows over him.

Rolling over, Rabbit forced the stunned, numb sensation of his bruised arms and legs and scrambled backwards up the steps; just as jawless and his friend pulled back their blades, preparing to strike the human down. His eyes widened for a moment at the sight of the glinting swords... and then Rabbit glanced down. An idea popped into his head.

Without hesitating, the human coiled up, then lashed out with both feet. One heel smacked straight into jawless’ sternum, the other caught his buddy in the lower ribs. Both clumsy golden warriors were launched backwards, bouncing and tumbling almost comically all the way down the curve of stone steps. They would bounce on their heads, the flip around into a loud roll of gold scraping over stone, then spit a shower of sparks as they slid down a few steps on their asses. On his way down, jawless smacked into another skeleton too slow to avoid the incoming bodies, and all three skeletons shattered upon impact with the ground with a loud clatter.

Snickering, Rabbit savoured the momentary victory before he scrambled to his feet and continued to run up the steps with the other six golden skeletons giving chase.

The staircase curved ahead of him, leading up, and up, and... Rabbit realised his lungs were burning. He was wheezing and panting for breath, feeling like he’d run a marathon. The fear of being run through by the most expensive swords in Equestria mixed with his uphill struggle was enough to brutally kick the wind right out of him.

Coughing and clutching his burning chest, Rabbit fell heavily to his knees with a yelp of pain mixed with a dull phlop! He was near the top, only a few metres away from Nightmare Moon, but he couldn’t go on. It was too much. Besides, what was he going to do against an all-powerful winged unicorn of the night?

The final six skeletons ran up to meet the exhausted human. Rabbit just rolled his eyes in a defeated fashion as their blades reeled back, poised to strike.

Rabbit raised his hands. “I surrender! I give up! I’m unarmed, tired and helpless. I surrender!”

And you are not going to believe any of the following words you are about to read. It worked!

The skeletons stopped in their tracks and suddenly stood at ease, believing every word from Rabbit’s mouth like it was the gospel from the pope himself. They were too noble to strike down an individual who had thrown himself at their mercy. As such, the human was rightfully confused, looking to an equally flustered Nightmare Moon.

Rabbit shrugged. “And these things were going to help you conquer Equestria? Seriously? I’ve seen storm-troopers more competent!”

And there it was. Rabbit’s second wind. He leapt to his feet and shoved his hands hard against the ribs of the first two skeletons. The 24-carat warriors were instantly thrown back, weapons falling forgotten from creepy little segmented fingers as they tumbled and bounced down untold numbers of stairs, breaking apart as they fell.

Meanwhile, Rabbit caught one of the fallen swords in mid-flight and swept low and fast. The blade shuddered exactly four times, cutting through exactly four knees. The next two skeletons – before they could even react – comically tumbled down the stairs after the other two, falling apart along the way.

The fifth managed to at least move its shield to one side and bring the sword around for a swing. But Rabbit was faster. He twisted around and threw his shoulder against the skeleton’s sternum, crushing the golden warrior against the nearest wall. Grabbing the skull in his free hand as a leg and an arm spontaneously fell from the creature, Rabbit threw the warrior off balance and smashed the remnants against the ground with one foul swoop.

The final skeleton was poised to strike, and there was no way Rabbit would be able to react in time to defend himself. If he hesitated a moment longer he’d have a 600-bit sword sticking out of his gut... so Rabbit dropped his sword and held up his hands.

And as before, the skeleton believed him. It stood at ease before the ‘surrendered’ human.

The liar smirked. Pressing a hand against the golden skeleton’s chest, Rabbit gave a firm, almost playful push, tossing the warrior back a few paces. The golden heels tripped over the low balustrade lining the inner curve of the stairs and the skeleton free-fell a good two dozen metres, before shattering similar to the way a vaas would shatter upon impact with the ground.

Or is it actually spelled vase? Whatever. In this particular context, I think it’s spelled broken!

Rolling his shoulders and checking his surroundings to find no more expensive things attempting to kill him – Rabbit climbed the last few steps to Nightmare Moon’s balcony, feeling (and looking) quite proud of himself.

“I find all of that was delightfully ironic.” Rabbit joked with a wide smile, indicating the broken golden weapons and skeletal body-parts strewn around the place in his wake. “Me being ‘Rabbit’ and not exactly enjoying those carrots.” He paused for a laugh, but received none. “No? Not enjoying the twenty-four carats?” – Another pause – “Nothing. Carrot? Carat?” – Nightmare shook her head, eyes un-amused and confused – “No? Not even a chuckle? Not even a hate filled ‘baaaawww’ of disgust for how terrible that joke was?”

There was still no tangible reaction from Nightmare Moon, and Rabbit sighed realising that the opportunity for a kickass one-liner had come and gone... and he’d botched it. “Okay, I’m just going to repeatedly punch you in the face now.” his fist punched into an open palm. “Hold still.”

Nightmare Moon snorted angrily, a light mist shooting from her nostrils as she did so. In response Rabbit pulled in his hands and shuddered with a loud: “Eeeuwww!”

“How can you beat,” Nightmare Moon taunted proudly, ignoring the human. “What you cannot catch?”

With what sounded like the hundredth maniacal cackle that night, Nightmare threw her head back as a magical glow enveloped her horn. The darkness spread, magic flowing in glistening slivers over her face, then down along her slender neck. The slivers swirled and dripped down across her forelegs and formed spiderwebs of light across her body and flanks. And when the ends all joined together on her toned and narrow tush – an area in particular many of my readers find themselves morbidly interested in for some strange reason – they glowed like the pale moon.

Her tail phased away first. Disappearing and wafting away into tufts of black smoke. The pestilence seemed to spread, tearing away at chunks of her flank, slowly dissolving down her hind legs and over her body.

Nightmare Moon continued to fade as she laughed triumphantly, slipping from his grasp.

Nightmare’s body had faded into shadow, right up to the neck, and she was continuing to laugh and fizzle away into darkness.

Two human arms locked around Nightmare Moon face and squeezed hard enough to make her squeak like a dog’s toy. And then they both vanished together.

In that very same instance they reappeared somewhere else entirely, teleporting clear of the castle’s main chamber.

A split second later Rabbit was thrown clear. A force – magical no doubt – threw him from the mare’s body and sent him spiralling through the air. The whole world was a messy blur as he flew clear of all obstacles, tumbling through space itself it would seem. Had Nightmare Moon teleported him to the moon?

When he landed with a distinct ‘oomph,’ Rabbit found himself doubled over a low stone wall, teetering forward as if to slip over the far end. His legs dangled in the air behind him as he felt the higher edges of a battlement scrape over his elbows, keeping him form taking a nose dive over the edge of the castle’s highest tower.

That’s right. Nightmare Moon had teleported to the highest point of the ruined castle and nearly thrown Rabbit off the edge.

His eyes widened as if that would have given him a better view of the dizzying height, and Rabbit quite literally squealed as if a school-bully were wrapping his underwear right around his head. His view of the cold hard ground far below him seemed to pan in and out of focus as everything in his body trembled. Even his eyeballs, causing a blur of colours to splash across his field of vision.

Making an odd yelping noise, Rabbit leaned back, kicking his legs so he teetered backwards until his feet met the solid roof of the tower again.

“Urgh...” Rabbit grunted in complaint as he pushed off the battlement and fought off the vertigo. “What is it with heights today?”

“Mwua-ha-hahahahaha!” came a cackle, followed by a bolt of lightning on the horizon that made Nightmare Moon’s pure white eyes stand out against her momentarily blackened silhouette.

This again? Rabbit though as he rubbed his face. He was suffering fatigue, bruising and the vertigo didn’t seem to pass. You ever find yourself ten stories up and terrified the building may suddenly sway or topple for no good reason? Yeah, that’s how Rabbit was feeling.

And if you haven’t ever had that sensation... well screw you, man! It’s late, I’m tired, and I can’t be bothered describing vertigo in depth. Go listen to U2 or some shit!

Trying to ignore the feeling of the ground shifting under his feet, Rabbit squinted through the wind whipping at them both. The diameter of the tower’s roof couldn’t have been more than a dozen metres. But the space between them seemed to stretch. Rabbit felt like he was standing across a plain of miles, staring down a deadly army of darkness poised to throw itself upon him.

“Come and have at me then, pathetic human!” Nightmare Moon cackled, her alicorn glowing vibrantly. “What is the worst you can do? swing your fleshy arms at me? I just realised. Humans have no magic! But guess what? I do! Hahahahahaha!”

Rabbit’s heart sank very suddenly like it had suddenly and inexplicably adopted the mass of an articulated truck.

She was right.

‘I’m just going to repeatedly punch you in the face now.’ What the hell had he been thinking? He didn’t have anything that could hurt Nightmare Moon. He could swing his climbing-axe at her... but then she’d just focus for a second and poof... Rabbit might literally find himself a rabbit. Bunny-ears and all. He truly was just a pathetic powerless bug before her might.

There was no warning, no prelude to the attack. He just lunged, launching himself screaming and flailing into the mare of darkness. She was so shocked by the sudden lunge that she could only stand there with a shocked expression in her eyes.

As Rabbit made contact, his hand closed around the precious stone embedded on the mare’s chest-armour. Much to his surprise, it reacted to the attack like a living thing might recoil. It pulled away and out of reach, swirling away into a vortex that seemed to stretch and elongate the world all around him, sinking away into a sickening, dizzy nothingness that was beyond whatever madness it was Rabbit found himself looking into.

Just like that he was pulled in. No accurate way of describing the experience. No sciencey techno-babble. Just magic. Sweet, supple, red-herring, deus-ex machina magic.

The look on Rabbit’s face when he realised he was tumbling through space after Nightmare Moon’s armour-adornment would have been precious... had someone actually seen it.

Instead that funny look of utter confusion and surprise was lost to the universe as Rabbit found himself in a world made up of darkness...

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Characters, Settings, Designs and Themes © to Hasbro and the Respective Owners. Please support the official release.

My Little Pony: Versus Equestria

by PseudoFiction

Interval 1.2: Stupid Laid Plans