//------------------------------// // 13 - A Few Kilos of Ore - Finale // Story: Across the Sea of Time // by Meep the Changeling //------------------------------// Captain’s Log: “I can explain that.” The lavender winged unicorn said in a tone that was somehow both smug with her knowledge, but also timid. I understood the timid part, I was pretty scared of myself right now too. Suddenly the ring of ponies rushed forward like a technicolor tidal wave! “Ad’ika help me!” I shouted in panic before suddenly becoming the center of a massive group hug. A hundred voices babbled what I assumed were thank yous, there were too many speaking for anything to be intelligible. Everything was a suffocating mass of marshmallow colored fur and word salad in the tone one would use to praise a cat. It wouldn’t have been so bad if every single pony in the clusterfuck of hugs wasn’t so damn cute looking! Every single one of them was the same sort of cute as a hot girl in pajamas. It was terrifying! Not because I didn’t know why I found them hot, I had pony blood now, so that made sense. The terror came from the fact that it was almost impossible to ignore my own urges. If I got turned on there went the whole damn day, there would be absolutely nothing I could do about it. Nothing had ever worked down there, so if this crowd got me started I would be unable to focus on anything and remembered I would die alone all day. Just as I began to hyperventilate a flash of violet light filled my vision. I found myself transported fifty feet to the left along with the lavender pony. Clearing her throat she shouted, “Everypony give her some space! I’m sure she understands you are grateful.” “Yeah! I totally do! You’re welcome, please don’t crowd me like that!” I added quickly. To my amazement a chorus of ‘sorry’ filled the room for a few seconds. A minty green blur suddenly slammed into my side hard enough for my uniform’s forcefield projectors to crackle in protest! Before I could even say ‘Ow!’ a mare who looked like a kid in a candy store babbled, “Sorry! I didn’t get to hug you! You’re a halfbreed! That’s awesome! I- just - um… sorry… if you knew me you’d understand.” “It’s ok. I understand you have science fiction which has this gear in it.” I said gently prying her arms off me. “Lyra, later please. This is a matter of national security.” the other said as she gently set a hoof on Lyra’s shoulder. “I know… sorry…” the minty mare trotted back to the group looking pathetically sad. I winced, it was like seeing a puppy’s heartbroken gaze after someone kicked it. The lavender one brushed some of her mane out of her hair. “I’m Princess Twilight Sparkle, I am grateful for the rescue, but I need to know who you are and why you are in my fiefdom.” I nodded, then paused for a moment to think of what I should say. Ad’ika was somewhere in the room, so I had to keep up the pretense, but I felt like I shouldn’t lie any more than that. “Taylor “Ed” Shepard, captain of the USS Sagan. I… honestly don’t have any hostile intentions towards any of you. That may be hard to believe given well… these circumstances. I had to do something though, I could see their evil.” She nodded slowly, “My friends and I tailed you for a while yesterday. How did you arrive in Equestria?” “Did she say Shepard?” I heard Lyra ask a white and pink mare beside her. “Accident.” I answered, “I’m not exactly sure about the specifics, call it a space-time anomaly. My chief engineer probably could tell you more. I’m not much of a scientist. Er- I don't mean to be rude but we kind of owe a favor to someone and she wants us to collect some of this mine’s iridosmine… I think we need eighty kilos. Also I would really like to know how I just used an ability from a tabletop roleplaying game.” Twilight nodded, “That’s pretty easy to answer. You were fighting a Magus, a member of a disbanded army we fought a long time ago. They discovered a way to breed for specific cutiemarks, the one each Magus has gives them a special talent which makes them and anything interacting with them operate under different physical laws than normal. “It’s the source of their power, for them physics allows them more thaumaturgic current then should be possible normally and it can work in unusual ways. Since you were directly interacting with one you were temporarily working under the same rules. “It’s happened to hundred of ponies, as long as you’re being dramatic or acting out behavior which is more in line with their warped physics you stay within their altered reality.” Twilight finally finished. “Oh.” I sighed and kicked a hoof, “I was hoping I had somehow earned a deity's favor and been granted four levels of Paladin. That would have been awesome.” “Princess Twilight, are you intentionally misleading the poor girl?” The voice of John De Lancie asked seemingly from nowhere. Twilight whipped her head to the right as a terrifying dragon-like chimera appeared from a flash of white light. “Discord! Are you responsible for her being here?” Twilight demanded. “No. That’s the fun part! This is just the universe taking an unexpected turn. One I intend to go back to watching things play out, but I can’t let you belittle the good Captain’s achievement.” Discord snapped a taloned claw, a gold medal flashed into existence around my neck, “First person to use that old spell the way I intended it to be used! Congratulations.” The finger snap, personality, and voice this creature had tugged at my mind for a moment. I could swear I knew- “Oh my god you’re a Q!” I exclaimed the instant I put it together. “The Q? The Riker bothering, Janeway flirting Q?” I asked quickly. “Do you mean this person?” Discord asked, transforming into a black haired human male in a Star Fleet Captain’s uniform. “Yeah!” I grinned. “Never heard of him.” he changed back with a snap, winked at me, then lay a paw on Twilight’s shoulder and a talon on mine, “Let’s make this a private conversation.” Suddenly the three of us were on a beach. White sand, palm trees, weirdly still water, a few birds flying about, bright sun. It was like a postcard for Costa Rica. “Now then, Miss Sparkle, I need you to tell old Sun Butt everything I’m about to say. Yes, yes, because she won't believe it from me. The whole Tribunal special physics thing? That was me.” Twilight grit her teeth for a second, then lifted a hoof and took a deep breath. “I trust this was before you reformed?” He nodded, “Yes. See while I was ruling this little patch of the cosmos, I thought it would be fun to fight off the occasional band of adventuring heroes. As was my right as the greatest spell caster of the age, I cast a world spell so people could earn that special heroic or villainous potential. It’s like the one Faust created which gives you your cutie mark, though lower on the priority’s list.” “You cast a world spell… and you didn’t use it to make yourself impossible to defeat?” Twilight asked incredulously. “Of course! It’s no fun if you always get you way.” Discord laughed. “Besides, it would only cover this world, and I like to travel.” “The hell is a cutiemark?” I asked wincing at the sound of the term as I said it. Discord snapped his talon, my armor and shorts vanished. I yelped, covered myself, then blushed deeply as I noticed a large black censor bar covered my groin. “Oh thank god!” Twilight tilted her head at my exclamation, “Does your species have a nudity taboo?” I nodded. “Just a little one…” Discord chuckled. “Little? So modest! Now then, the magical brand on your hips is called a cutiemark. It’s earned when you discover your special talent, the ability which makes you, uniquely you.” I shyly looked at my right hip. A silver kite shield with an orange sun on the face sat right on my fur in the same way and quality a tattoo sits on someone's skin. Even though it was made up of fur, the shape maintain itself perfectly crisp and clear, even as fur moved. “Whoa… that’s trippy.” “Humm… you know Celestia won't like someone killing in her name and using her power to do it.” Discord mused, “Let’s set you up with her younger sister shall we? Next time shout out Luna.” He snapped his talon again, the sun shifted into a crescent moon. As the mark changed I felt something deep inside me change as well. A second snap returned my shorts and armor to my extreme delight. “Thanks for my pants back… But, um… what did you do?” “I second that question.” Twilight announced. “Back to the topic of me wanting heroes,” Discord announced, dodging the question. He pulled a beach chair from thin air and lay down on it before continuing. “If a pony without a cutiemark demonstrates courage, honor, or some other heroic quality while something like that little cave fiasco is happening the spell I cast gives them the same powers the Tribunal managed to breed ponies to have. “I’m still not sure how they managed that… Suffice to say I made it so on this world, anyone with the right stuff who is in the right place at the right time can become a hero, with special powers and abilities instead of their normal magic.” “Why?” Twilight demanded. “I told you, I wanted to have an epic battle with a chosen hero.” Discord said, opening his paw to reveal a tiny image of himself fighting a pony in fullplate wielding light sabers. “No why didn’t you tell us that? We could have used heros with Magus like powers so many different times!” Twilight exclaimed stamping her hoof angrily. Intentionally angering the people in power for fun. Yep, this was Q. I wanted an autograph. I turned to Twilight with a serious an expression as I could manage and gently grabbed her by the shoulders. “Look, if he did that it would upset the continuum. There would be fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling! Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes... dogs and cats living together... mass hysteria!” “W-what?” Twilight asked, ears drooping in panic and confusion. I frowned, I hadn’t meant to panic her, that felt mean spirited. Discord smiled, “I’ve missed you guys. The real reason is sadly far more mundane. Celestia’s education reforms allow ponies to discover their talent and earn their mark as foals. When I cast my spell most ponies found their mark as adults. Do you really want to endanger the poor innocent foals?” Twilight nodded, frowning as she sat down. “That’s a good reason… You’re being more cooperative than usual. What do you want?” “I want you to understand that events are in motion, and that I have nothing to do with them, nor will I participate again after this.” Discord answered. He snapped his talon, a large book appearing in his paw. “Now then, Ms. Shepard, good joke with the name by the way. This is the ruleset I used for my little game of heroes.” He held the book out to me. I smiled as I recognized the cover, “I have all of Pathfinder memorized. Two questions, well three, first, are you telling me that I’m an order of the stick style adventurer hero now? Second, I am super sure you gave me the pin at the gas station before I was brought here, why? Third… How are you real? Oh, and forth, can we go pester Commander Riker together?” Discord laughed for a few long moments then wiped a tear from his eye with a paw, “I’ve missed twenty-first century humans! You always appreciate absurd humor.” He pushed the book into my hands firmly, “You will want this particular copy… As for your questions, yes, you are exactly like you described, and your friends are too. Before you ask yes this is reality, I wanted to play the game in a more interesting way than simply rolling dice. It is a nice little chaos generator, with plenty of dramatic flair too. “I honestly didn’t think anyone would ever use the spell properly! You couldn’t have done it at a better time either. The world will need heroes soon. Events set in motion when the young Princess here destroyed the Tribunal are going to set the stage for developing this world’s future. Unintentional as my gift to you is, it will allow you to take a role in shaping it if you choose.” Discord snapped his fingers, summoning a folding table, DM’s screen,and a handful of dice which he appeared sitting behind. “Don’t think of me as a dungeon master for an adventure ether. I’m strictly watching this one. I may have been banished from the continuum but sometimes their ideas about interfering in mortal affairs are correct. Give me a good show will you?” He smiled again, snapped his talon, and in an instant Twilight and I were back in the mine. “This isn’t good… he’s up to something.” Twilight said to herself. “No shit, he’s Q!” I answered, “I’m pretty sure he’s testing your species like he tested humans back in Encounter at Farpoint. I’m caught up in this for some reason so I’ll do my best to help you pass.” Twilight’s head whipped around, “You know him? I mean humans have encountered Discord?” I had just seen a soul with my own eyes, not to mention evil. A fictional character happening to be real would have shaken me up… If it hadn't been everyone’s favorite mariachi band summoning space god. I could accept that Q was real, the Q’s being a thing would explain a lot about the universe. He probably just wrote himself into Star Trek for kicks. “Um… kind of. Look, if he is who I think he is he’s an omnipotent trickster god with a good sense of humor whose job seems to be to check on species that might evolve to the same power as his own one day.” I replied, “My friends and I are probably here because of him… I would like to know why, but well, for now ‘Q did it because ponies.’ is a good enough explanation for me. Especially since I have class levels. That’s awesome!” “So… you actually know the physics the Tribunal use? C-could you write them down?” Twilight asked. She shuffled her hooves anxiously on the ground. I got the sense that she liked to learn. “Yes I know them. It’s a roleplaying game my species invented. One of my favorites…” I trailed off as I realized something, this mine was in land controlled by the Princess. With the Dogs gone, the ore was hers. “I can get you a copy of the rulebooks, but it will cost you. I need the ore I came here for, as much as possible.” Twilight nodded slowly, “All right. It’s a deal.” I flicked my omnitool on, flipped through the pages of printables, and sighed in relief. “Oh thank god it’s in the database! Right then. One full set of Pathfinder Rulebooks.” I tapped the replicate button, my omnitool sluggishly fabricated a stack of leather bound books, several small boxes, packages of tiles… “Son of a bitch! I didn’t mean literally everything…” I sighed as every Pathfinder product ever made finished being replicated. “Well, I guess you might as well play a few games to learn it since you got the minis and tiles and everything.” My omnitool blinked, Kaily’s voice echoing from it urgently. “Ed, what’s taking you so long?” I pulled my arm up to my face Buzz Lightyear style to reply, “I’m making first contact with an Equestrian princess. There’s no rush anymore, the Dogs are gone, everyone’s safe, and I needed to trade for the-” “Tess is literally dying!” Kaily screamed into the comm. “What?” my eyes snapped open wide, “What the fuck happened?” “I told you! A unicorn cursed her, she’s dying. Get Princess, I was told she can help!” Kaily screamed into the comm. “I’ll be right there!” I looked around the mine, most ponies were filing out of the room slowly. “Ad’ika,” I called, “Totally forgot what you look like right now. Get the ore and get it to the Sagan fast as you can! Tess is dying but hopefully-” “I’ll do what I can. I’m not a healer but I know a lot about dark magic… Actually, hold on.” Twilight turned and called to the grey unicorn who showed me the correct holy symbol, “Dinky! You know a few healing spells right?” She nodded trotting forwards with a big grin on her face, her yellow tail swishing in a weirdly happy way. Her eyes were locked onto me in a hungry gaze. It was more than a little uncomfortable. “I do. I’ll patch her right up… I… well… you know my dad right? I was told to be here and help.” “Who told you to come here?” I asked before starting to run for the mine’s entrance. Q’s manipulations were still fresh in my mind. Was she a part of them? “Me from a few months from now told me. Time travel. No it can’t be used to fix everything, most of history is unchangeable. You know you are really cute! I love your mane.” Dinky exclaimed as she ran after Twilight and I. Oh crap! She thought I was hot and I was literally a heroic champion of her people. This was the last thing I needed. “I-er, thanks but let’s not talk about that kind of stuff ok?” “Why? Temporal mechanics give you a headache? That’s ok, not many people can understand the five dimensional hypersphere of time easily. I could show you sometime, it’s easier once you see a drawing of it.” She replied. “Look, I’m concerned about my best friend right now.” I said as I did my best to run faster. “She’ll be fine! Worst comes to worst I stasis her and you take her to your boss’s med bay.” Dinky said as we rounded the tunnel to the mine’s entrance. I stopped in my tracks. A literal line of corpses separated the corridor from the entryway. Shards of armor littered the ground, blood pooled on the rock, bits of flesh littered everything in site. I gagged on the stench instantly, “Right… we should remove the lethal setting from the guns…” “I’ve seen worse… it would have been better if you could have stopped them another way.” Twilight said as she stepped over the corpses carefully, “Sadly, sometimes there isn’t a choice.” “We could have done better. Fitted the Sagan with a cloaking device… something.” I muttered. This was not something the officers we were pretending to be would have done. Hell I knew these things were evil, I could even see that if I tried to look for it, but weren't good people supposed to be better than that? “Hindsight is twenty-twenty.” Dinky commented, “As long as you try to do a little better each time, your still a good person. Not everyone can get everything done without killing anything.” “We could have at least attempted diplomacy…” I paused then shook my head and continued to the Sagan. Diplomacy had already been tried. We hadn’t been involved in the entire scenario, we were just the bullet in this situation. Next time, we would be the hand on the gun, or nothing at all. I pulled the door open and stepped inside. Kaily had Tess laying on the couch, the entire med kit was scattered about the floor, a cold compress was taped to Tess’s forehead. Kaily was sitting beside her, manually tracking her pulse on a piece of paper. Before Kaily or I could say anything Twilight made her way into the kitchen and winced, “Oh… That’s not good I can smell it from here. Dinky! Have you treated anypony for the phage hex before?” Dinky trotted in, shaking her head. “No, but I can probably stop it… It’s a lot like a heavy dose of ionizing radiation right?” It was rather incredible how little space was left in the kitchen area with two ponies and three people in it. There was barely any space left for me to breath. Even still as Dinky pushed me aside gently to slip past I felt her hoof touching my butt was intentional. “No. The hex spreads like a virus and physically destroys cells. You need to stop it from spreading. I think I can highlight where it is in her body.” Twilight informed. Her horn shone bright violet, and within a few seconds the same violet light washed over Tess, highlighting an expanding spider web like pattern around her torso. “Wait, so it’s a spell that inflicts damage over time?” I asked. I had paladin powers now, maybe Lay on Hands could take care of it. “No it’s a magical disease. Can you do something to help?” Twilight asked as Dinky hummed and looked over the illuminated region. I sighed, “No… Paladins don't get the remove disease mercy until ninth level.” Kaily narrowed her eye and gave me a glare of death. “This is not the time for jokes Ed,” she growled. “I wasn’t joking.” I replied. Suddenly I realized how insane I must have sounded. “Er- watch. Twilight, Discord did that thing with the mark, moon… something...” “Luna. Her name is Luna.” Twilight muttered, clearly trying to focus on her spell. “Right! Thanks.” I set a hand on Tess’s shoulder and took a minute to think of good line. “The hell are you-” Kaily demanded. “Moon’s light be upon you!” I declared. A white light flared under my hand, a few of the small cuts and bruises on Tess’s body vanished, but the creeping purple outline remained untouched. “Lay on Hands. I’m a paladin now. Apparently.” “The fuck?” Kaily asked, her face holding an expression best described as ‘brain shifting without a clutch’. “Q’s a thing here, and apparently he gives out class levels all order of the stick style. But he didn’t let me pick…” I informed. “Seriously?” Kaily asked her expression getting worse. “Yep. I’m also pretty sure I just crit an evil mage with smite evil and radiant charge. It was awesome.” Kaily sat down at the table, holding her head in her hands in an attempt to process what was happening. “Apparently earning class levels gets you magic tattoos on your hips.” I continued. “How do you get class levels? Is Q sill here? Do I like get a character sheet, what do I even do?” Kaily asked. “Apparently you don't have a cutiemark and do something heroic while in grave danger.” Twilight muttered. “Yeah, he said all three of us got class levels… Check your hip.” I recommended. “I can't remove this.” Dinky informed in a sad tone. “It spreads too fast. I can slow it’s spreading but she needs a hospital. Future me said you have a medical facility at your base. I’ll accompany her there.” “Can you keep her alive that long?” Kaily asked her tone a mix of depression and anger. “Yes. it’s easy to keep it from spreading, it’s just impossible for me to remove.” She admitted with a small frown, “It’s a battlefield hex after all.” Kaily bit her lip in concern. I gently grabbed her hand, “Kaily, Phoenix basically rebuilt my body from scratch. Tess will be fine. We won’t let anyone of us get hurt like this again. The second we get back with the osmium, Phoenix will have all the power she needs, and if she wants our help she will get us proper gear. Teleporters and shit.” Kaily sighed, “We need to figure out a magical defense…” “Dude, Kaily, Q said we have class levels. We can use D&D physics for this. All we have to do is figure out how to cast protection from evil on the Sagan. Boom plus two to saves vs evil aligned creatures, extra saving throw on all effects… Holy shit we makes saving throws!” I spun to face Tess, “Dinky, would you say your spell stabilized her?” She nodded slowly, “Well, yeah, that’s what it does.” “Stop casting it for a moment.” I asked. “What? But it will spread!” Dinky objected. “She’s fine! Trust me.” Dinky bit her lip and stopped her spell. Everyone stared at Twilight’s outline for a few moments. The purple highlights didn’t move any further. “Sweet!” I stood up with a relieved smile. “Ok she will be fine.” Kaily blinked, “She actually made a saving throw… If this is D20 physics she’s fine for the day. We need to get moving. So… Q huh?” I nodded, “Apparently he goes by Discord here.” “Well… this will be fun! Q wants to play DM. Why am I looking forward to this?” She asked with an odd expression. “Kaily. Every nerd ever would be looking forward to a game run by Q.” I sighed and added, “But this is also real life. Not just for us but for… whatever her species is called.” I said jerking a thumb at Twilight and Dinky. “We call ourselves Ponies.” Twilight informed, “I would be happy to show you some of our culture-” I held up a hand to interrupt her, “No offense your highness, but we can’t. Tess is only fine for the rest of the day, and we have to get back with what we came for.” She nodded. “I understand, but i can’t just let you go. We need to know more about each other. As you may or may not know the last time humans and ponies met there was a war. I would like you to take Dinky with you. She can keep your friend stable until she gets medical care, and can tell me more about you in the future.” I pursed my lips. Were we allowed to bring someone back with us? Realizing the Sagan had a comm system I flipped open my omnitool’s screen and activated the ship’s comm. After a few seconds Phoenix's avatar’s head resolved over the back of my wrist. “Captain, I trust you are reporting a successful operation?” She asked politely. “No. We have the osmium but Tess is dying. We have her stable but she needs medical care.” I informed. Phoenix sighed, “Magic?” “Yes, some sort of hex.” I pointed a finger at Dinky, “The princess of this kingdom has requested we take one of her healers with us to keep Tess stable on the return trip. Is that ok?” “Scouts report the Equestrians are marching on me as we speak. It makes no difference at this point. Armored just had her monthly tune up, I’ll keep the medbay powered and waiting for you. With this success I should be able to provide you with magical protection in the future. Well done, I will see you shortly.” “Understood.” I turned the comm off and sat down in the driver’s seat. “Okay, Dinky can come with us. Your highness, I would appreciate if you got out, we will need to get a bunch of rocks in here in a minute.” Twilight nodded and began to walk out the door pausing half way through it. Turning around she asked, “You are working for the Emerald’s Queen… We’ve been trying to discover if there even is one of their hive for years… As a token of good will can you tell me what she is like?” “She’s a troll.” I answered without skipping a beat. “I beg your pardon?” Twilight asked in the same tone I would sue if someone had made a racist remark. “She means Phoenix has a sense of humor that involves messing with people. For example before we were treated in her med bay, Ed there was a guy… You are seriously much cuter now though.” Kaily said honestly. I sighed, nodded, and turned around to face everyone. “Yeah. I’m not actually upset anymore, I’m mostly just annoyed I lost two feet of height. Look, she plays mean spirited jokes but she seriously wants to help people too… also I can’t get too mad at an AI that’s running on emergency backup power using old, broken hardware.” Twilight blinked four times. “Wait… the Queen is an AI? Like, one of those barely conscious, can't hold a conversation, golem-like things humans have on their ships?” “Huh…” I turned my head to face Kaily, “I guess the Arc was running Windows.” “In your dreams iFanboy.” Kaily laughed. Twilight eeped and stepped out of the door leaving the Sagan entirely, “Oh! Sorry Let me get out of your way.” A huge pile of shiny, silvery, gray rocks held aloft in a field of green magic were shoved thru the door. A split second later another pile pushed it’s way through. “Thanks for the help! Seriously, I figured you wouldn't get your hooves dirty, cuz, well you know." Ad'ika chuckled nervously. “Pfff, I'm a Queen in tallness only, born a worker, die a worker. If you are ever in the area again it’s safe to be yourself here. Ponyville is pretty changeling friendly these days.” the second voice said. “Seriously thanks, oh, and tell your Captain I’m sorry about glomping him earlier.” “No problem, Meep right?” “Yes. Your name is Addeekia right?” “No, it’s Ad’ika you don't slur the d and the e together… Emerald’s dialect is a bit weird. Sorry.” “I’ll remember that. It would be nice to see you some time. Good luck!” “You too!” Ad’ika hopped into the Sagan and pulled the door shut. A big grin was plastered on her face “That was awesome! They’ve had a changeling living in town since two thousand! Who's the unicorn?” “I’m Dinky. I’m keeping your friend here stable till she can get medical attention.” Dinky answered as I turned the key in the ignition. The gray and yellow mare trotted over to Ad’ika as I started to back us out. My ears swiveled in her direction as she whispered, “So… I have it on good authority that your Captain’s… special. Any idea how I can get her on a date? Or in bed?” I’m certain she didn’t think I would hear her whispered question, hell I’m pretty sure I wouldn't have with my old ears. Much to my relief Ad’ika shook her head, “Nope.” Deciding to stop the conversation before the pony equivalent of Archer decided to try flirting with me again I called, “Buckle up! I’m taking us back as fast as possible.” Throwing the Sagan into gear I backed out of the mine. With the few kilos of ore we came rolling around the floor, and my best friend laying on the couch avoiding death because of an RPG’s rules, I floored the gas and set a course for… Well I suppose it was home.