Chapter 6 - Hello! Is any muffin home? [1/2]
Spiced Tea, a former human now turned pony. Now begins his official life as a member of this planet and its species. You start of this very morning with a bang.
*THUD*
Uhh…You start this morning with a two foot drop to the floor. Yeah that’s it.
“Oww!” finding yourself on the floor, you manage to pry open your eyes. Taking in whatever the sun has illuminated. Just then as you are starting to adjust to the light, a beam coming from one of the generous windows shines them back shut, painfully.
One would think that falling off the bed would be a rude awakening. But you do not think so. This twisted reasoning came from the best night’s sleep he ever had. Though you only hit his bed 5 hours ago which left you a bit lethargic but still felt good. So taking a few more moments on the floor, Spice decided on catching some sun. Feeling its warm rays massage, caress around your body.
‘This feels like a massage’
Which is true, it feels just like a massage. Like there are feather light hooves moving around your body. It felt heavenly. The hooves methodically searching your body for sore spot, which when you let out a groan signified the existence of one. Having them rub away your stress felt great. And along side your great slumber, made an excellent combo. Until these hooves went around to places they shouldn’t. So sure sunlight in essence is light, but feeling it move under your blanket. Light cannot do that. Light cannot rub your flank with a blanket wrapped around your lower body.
“Okay sunlight, enough of the massages I need to wake up” telling the sun to stop molesting you.
Then the sun replied “Aww, and I was having so much fun”
Then panic set in. Somepony was actually molesting your body. And that somepony replied.
“And here I came all this way just so I could spend the morning with you” the silky disembodied voice spoke again.
She sounded disappointed. Her voice reassured you that it she is truly female. But the point is that someone in your room. So in a mad attempt to escape, you decide to run.
“AHH! Get away from me”
*CRASH*
Which you did; you ran into the wall. Luckily, that the impact did not knock you out. So lying on the floor, you turn your head to the mystery intruder. Although your slight is blurry and the impact did not help, you were still able to make something out. Focusing you notice a white blob.
‘Try…again’
Okay. You see a white blob with a pink hat.
‘That’s not right…ahh my head’
Again you see what now appears to be a white Pegasus with a pink mane. And she is approaching you with a worried gaze. It seems as though this pony means no harm. Who are you kidding? This pony tried to do the nasty with you.
“Spice are you okay? It looked like you hit your head pretty bad back there. Do you want me to make it…feel better?” she tried propping you up against the wall; seeing if you were alright even after the suggested innuendo.
“Please miss, I don’t want any trouble-“
‘Ding’ wait a minute.
“Miss how-“ you were interrupted by a hoof to your mouth.
“Shh! Call me Sunny Skies”
“Okay then. Sunny how do you know my name”
“Oh that’s easy, I already know you. Just as you know me and Selene, my sister” she then took this opportunity to sit on your thighs. Preventing any means for you to escape using your legs. This is getting uglier. Even more so, she pressed her hooves on your shoulders, pinning you to the wall. She took her time in closing the distance between your bodies, her body heat very much noticeable. “But enough about that, I mentioned something about a payment before. I’m just here to cash it in”
‘Oh shit! Okay maybe this isn’t so bad, considering you are about to be violated by a mare you vaguely even remembered!’ Well if you took the time to calm yourself, the clues would have pointed to the obvious. But before long, time has slowed down giving you a chance to think.
‘White coat, pink eyes, pink hair, and a sun for a cutie mark’
‘Nope. Nothin-wait! HOLD IT!’
‘DING’ your eyes widen. Looking at the mare now and carefully, you now know who you are dealing with.
“Oh shit!”
At this epiphany, you regain your strength. But not titanic strength though as you held back the approaching and kiss that you FINALLY took notice off.
“Sunny! Please stop, don’t kiss me…yet.”
“And why shouldn’t I?”
“Because, if Luna were to see us then I would be in trouble and YOU would be sent…somewhere-I don’t know!”
“Finally figured out who I am, huh? Well no matter, she does not know of my location at the moment. In fact I believe she does not know that I’m missin-“
“LUNAAA PUUUNCH!”
“What a beautiful morning for a muffin!” a grey mailmare proclaiming to nopony special. She is always there first at the post office. Specifically, she is the only one assigned on the morning mail route. So taking up a big chunk of muffin; Derpy faced the day with joy and great conviction. Telling herself that nothing bad will happen this day. Then came in Mayor Mare
“Oh! Miss Doo the pony I wanted to see”
“Mmff, Ysh Myrh”
“Enjoying another muffin I see. What flavor have you purchased today?” the Mayor said, settling down before Derpy’s mail counter.
*GULP* “A Raspberry Mint muffin” finishing off with a lick of her lips, cleaning of the leftover crumbs.
“Maybe I should see to buying some for myself.” the elder mare said before going through her saddle packs. She then pulled out a leather bound booklet and gave it to Derpy.
Derpy then eyed the future mail parcel. “A Ponyville passport?”
“Yes Derpy, I want you to deliver this to our newcomer over by Fount District near Bazaar lane. The one with the-“
“-PUUUNCH”
*BOOM CRASH AND ALL SOUNDS OF DESTRUCTION*
“You mean the one that just exploded, Mayor?” Derpy said whilst popping out from cover behind her counter, Mayor Mare popping out of cover right beside her. Both seem to face the general direction of the loud impact. It seemed to come from the fount district. And by looking thru the window, a cloud of smoke arose from said direction.
“Y-Yeah…”
“…WE ARE ASHAMED OF YOU! THY WISH TO DOMINATE A HELPLESS PONY IS NOT AN EXAMPLE WE WISH FOR YOU TO LIVE BY! Why we never think in a thousand years thee would stoop to such a level!”
‘It certainly is useful to have a microphone stuck in your throat’ your thought ended with an ouch as ‘Selene’ dressed your injuries from the shrapnel that was your wall.
“Are you done nagging yet?”
“YES…Now my dear sister if you would be so kind as to repair the wall. You can only take a break if thou art done with repairing the wall.”
“…”
“I say again…IF THOU ART DON-“
“I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME!” Sunny quipped with her tongue sticking out in the end.
This is insane. From what you heard and read from ponies and their books. The two most powerful beings in all of Equestria are in your bedroom. Whose powers move the two significant celestial bodies in the sky and command them as they wish. Whose whim can and will turn any moving object into jelly. And they are having a shouting match. And a little while ago, one was trying to take advantage of you and the other put her through a wall. And the bigger of the two who is repairing said wall. And the smaller of the two dressing your injuries from the shrapnel of the blast.
And yet, it is easy to tell them apart; even if they are disguised.
‘This is insane’
“Ow!” a sharp pain made you wince as Selene pulled out a splinter from your shoulder, a really long splinter. Makes you wonder, if at that length is it still considered a splinter or a wooden stake?
“We apologize for the wall. But if we had not come in time, who knows what has become of you with that witch” giving the princess of the sun a raspberry. Such a childish act is unbecoming of one such as her. But shows how huge the age gap between the two. One has telltale signs of pure innocence and childish glee. The other…well not so much innocence.
“So other than almost ravishing me and nearly killing me. Why are you both here?” you say, trying to be dead pan as you possibly could.
After disinfecting your wound, Selene turned her head to make sure her sister did not answer until she finishes her voluntary repair. And confident that she would not interrupt “We-that is to say I, was supposed to be the one to visit you today. I am here to help you with aspects of pony magic.”
“And I am here to keep you company-“
“Shush!”
“…humph” feeling defeated, Sunny continued her chore of fixing the bedroom wall, while nursing the ice pack over her left eye.
“Now where was I? Since you have selected Unicorn as your starting form and joined the physical aspects of an earth pony. You have the better aspects of the two tribes.” finishing off her sentence with a sharp pull, affixed the bandages over your torso. Admiring her work she continued “So I am, how do you ponies say, your tutor. I will teach you basics of each tribe.”
“Tutor me so that I won’t accidentally blow something up?”
“Precisely” whined Sunny as she lifted a beam that was once the wall supports. She totally ignores the glare her younger sibling is giving.
“Sunny on the other hand, thought that it would be funny to get to you first. Seeing is that I won the wager, she is supposed to be holding day court at this very moment. And I would have spent that time mentoring you WITHOUT interruption.”
“But you got to hand it to me sis, the palace guards are none the wiser”
“By none the wiser you mean drug them, tie the entire west wing platoon in rope, and gagging them with cucumbers and what-have-you pilfered from the royal kitchens”
“Well they asked for it. Can’t I have paid leave like the rest of our staff?”
“We shall discuss this later!”
“hmpf!” a second hmpf. Round two goes to Selene.
“Before I forget, have you used your crystal ball to activate your latent abilities?”
“Was about to do that this morning”
“Huzzah, just my luck! Well then, I shall prepare some ink and parchment. I would love to document this event for tomes. We have many to discuss and you to learn” and with that, Selene trotted downstairs leaving you and Sunny alone.
Upon finding that you are not alone, you thought best to exit, stage left. You have no such luck. As you were thinking of escaping the inevitable awkward moment. Sunny decided that it was high time that she said something.
“Before you head downstairs, mayhap you grant me a moment to speak my mind?” she said without turning to face you. Giving you a disadvantage as you cannot read her face.
“Umm…Sure?” you awkwardly glance at her direction. Her body unmoving; except for the debris she moves around with her telekinesis.
“Thank you.”
Seeing is that this may or may not be a trap. You took position near the stairs, just in case.
“Spice, are you aware that seventy nine percent of Equestria’s population is female?”
“Yeah, it was written in the book you gave me. but what does that have to do with anything?”
“Nothing, but do you know of the current alignment of the population?”
“…come again?”
“Alright…” giving you a slight nod she continues sorting out the debris. The pile in front of her now looking like a giant jigsaw puzzle, made with an actual jigsaw. “…now as you might have noticed from your travel. The mares that you have encountered acted differently around you, am I right?”
“Do you have something to do with this?”
Instead of an answer there came a bright glow. A glow reminded you of the sun. After witnessing a magical flashbang, your sight returns to you. Seeing is that there is no hole in the wall, Sunny’s repair work seems finished. It is like the mad lunar mare punch barely ripped a hole into it. And as a finishing touch, Sunny conjured a picture frame with her and Selene on the wall.
“There we go, all done. Now let me see if I can cook us all up some breakfast.” She exclaims as she hurried down the stairs.
Somehow you smile at the picture on the wall. Upon close inspection shows Sunny and Selene, playing around with a bowl of alfalfa. Even thru this morning’s ruckus, they still care for others. Even if rape and destruction is part of their repertoire, their kindness outshines this. To the point that you let your unanswered question slide.
Hearing a commotion, you decided to head downstairs. To make sure that they down destroy anything else with their sibling squabbles. So heading down you take time to look about your new home in detail. At the moment there is not much detail to go on. Except for recent photographs and picture frames that are randomly strewn about, courtesy of the Diarchy.
Upon reaching the landing, you take notice of Sunny. Standing the hearth in the living room, she took interest of the empty space above it. The turned notice you and gave a smile. Not the usual creepy smile, no. She gave you an earnest and almost mother-like smile. That is until she had her rump swing at you.
‘Okaaay…will escape now’
*knock, knock*
“Hello! Is any muffin home?”
“I’ll get it” you say to the sisters. Both gave a reply to acknowledge that you have a visitor.
It took you a while last night to figure out how to work the doorknobs. Having a hoof and not a hand with a prehensile thumb made for a tough lesson. But you got the hang of it anyway. At least most of the knobs here are lever types.
So after a good minute of fiddling with the doorknob, the door opened to reveal a mare. A grey coated mare with charming yellow eyes and mane. The bag slung under her wings and the hat she is wearing gives off the aura of postal officer or a police officer.
“Hello”
“Hi there! You must be the newcomer the mayor told me about. I am your mailmare Derpy of Ponyville Postal and Courier Office!” she said this in a way that brought the feeling of bubble in your body. Like a giddy feeling when you were a child. And that smile of hers, cute.
“Nice to meet you Derpy, my name is Spiced Tea but you can call me Spice.” you say in earnest. Matching the same gusto as when Derpy greeted you.
“Yes I am the newcomer here, I just arrived yesterday. But it seemed that nopony was around when I arrived.” you remember that day like it was yesterday. Well it was yesterday but no matter, you remembered it. And something along the lines of a crumpled paper with a town notice or something.
“Oh, I’m sorry if nopony was here yesterday. The clouds were all sad and grey and nopony would not want to come out. But that was a good thing because most of us were kind of crazy last, last night.” She pulled out some sort of party invitation. It was dated the day before yesterday. The invitation confirmed what Mayor Mare mentioned.
“Mayor Mare was kind enough to give out an emergency notice to the residents. So she asked me to deliver this huge stack of papers to everypony in town” she gave you one of her remaining copies. The paper looked just like the one that flew into your face yesterday.
‘Imagine that….’
“Some of us wanted to stay home to rest. I couldn’t though because I had to do a delivery and I had a special muffin ordered too. So I was in a real hurry to go home with that muffin and share it with my other special muffin.”
“Other special muffin?” you ask in dire curiosity. You are unnaturally attentive to what Derpy is saying.
“My other very special muffin.” She then rummaged thru her bag, looking for something in one of the many pouches. She then pulled out a worn and much loved picture of a unicorn foal. “My daughter Ditzy”
You smile at this. You were about to give a thoughtful reply but none came. You just stood there admiring a hard working mother. Her love and dedication oozing out from her like it’s an innate part of her being.
“Well enough about me. I am here to deliver your first parcel.” As much as she wants to stare at the picture of her daughter, she indeed has a job to do.
“Alright”
“Without further ado Mr. Spice, here are your citizenship papers, the deed to your house, and a couple of coupons for Sugar Cube Corner and Ponyville local directory”
Each item dispensed, she wanted to give to you normally. But upon having a reminder of how happy she is, she decided to fling them at you haphazardly. On your part, you wanted to receive them on hoof. And yet since you are without magic, your face and chest had to do. Even if it makes for a painful discovery that Derpy is stronger than she appears to be.
Authors note:
References go to Sunny Skies All Day long by Phantom Fox and Progress by Andrew Joshua Talon.