//------------------------------// // LP Noire // Story: The Friendship Detection Agency (FDA) // by FlareGun45 //------------------------------// Jelly, Cesaer, Orange, and I finally made it to Las Pegasus the next day. The flight from Mareami to LP was a bit of an overnight thing. So once we left the airport we were walking to the carriage parking lot because it’s where Jelly parked her carriage. “Welcome to Las Pegasus, boys! The number one location for Equestrian quakes.” Jelly said. “Really?” Cesaer asked. “Yeah, because this is the number one location where groups of ponies like to jump on the street.” Jelly said. When we rode by the Xiao Ma Theater, we saw a huge group of ponies jumping and stomping down on the ground when they got to meet their favorite celebrities, and after that, all of Applewood Blvd. started having an earthquake. “Well I’ll be! It’s true!” Cesaer said shockingly. “Yeah I’ll probably get used to this, home-boy!” Orange said. “LP sounds like my kind of town! Just drop Cesaer and I off at the best place in town – the hoods on the east side!” ”You got it, Orange!” Jelly said as she pulled the carriage through the streets of LP and on her way to the ‘wrong neighborhoods’, if you catch my drift. “So, Jer, what are you planning on doing here?” Cesaer asked. “Well first thing’s first, I have to see Elusive on the deal he has in stock.” I said. “Well have fun workin’ with him, homie! You’ll need it! Just remember our deal.” Orange reminded me. “I wouldn’t forget about it for the world!” I lied. “Cesaer and I get some of the cut, and-“ Orange started, but I interrupt him. “I told you I remember, mate. Don’t worry.” I said. “I know you ponies are VERY loyal to me.” ”I’m loyal to my homies, homie.” Orange said. “You know I’m honest. Not like ‘you know who’.” ”Lord Voldemort?” Cesaer asked. ”NO you fool! General Lee!” Orange said. “Ah, right.” Cesaer remembered. “Sorry, O. I’m just not thinking straight right now. A little dizzy after the flight.” ”Understandable.” Orange nodded. “Once we get to our new hood, we’ll crash in for a bit.” ”Wouldn’t we have to start in a hotel, holms? They wouldn’t let us in just like that!” Cesaer said. “Relax, Cesaer! They know we their boys! We just have to prove it to them!” Orange said. “Right, well, wake me up when it’s over.” Cesaer said as he falls asleep. “Just you wait! There’s going to be so much to do around here!” Orange said. “Well before we start doing anything major, we should try to settle ourselves in.” I suggested. ”Exactly!” Jelly said as she stops the carriage. “Here’s your stop, Jer!” ”This isn’t Elusive’s club.” I said as I saw that we were parked in front of the FDA building in Downtown. “Right, well… you know… Orange and Cesaer have a big list to do, and his club is just around the corner, right? There’s a lot of traffic in that area anyway.” Jelly said as she winks at me. “Ooooh! Right, ok!” I nodded. ”See her wink? Your girl is hittin’ on me, homie! She really hittin’ on me!” Orange said. “Right, well, you all have fun! I’ll send my regards to Elusive!” I said as I step out of the carriage. “Holla at us when you get the chance.” Orange said. “See you around, Jer!” Jelly said as she rides off. So there I was, in front of the FDA building. It was towering right above me, and it was right next to the DIF building which was identical in every way, except for the letters on the top of it. I knew this was it. This was my chance to get into the Friendship Detection Agency! So I just walked inside. There wasn’t much. It was just a typical office building. Agents looked like everyday office workers. Didn’t seem to make sense to me. Everything just seemed so… natural. I walked up to the front desk and talked to the receptionist. “Oi vey.” I said. “Yes, can I help you?” the receptionist asked. “Yeah, hi, I’m here to… umm… I’m here to join the FDA.” I said. “I see.” The receptionist said. “Who sent you?” ”He didn’t give me his name, but he was with me during the heist of the Bank of Equestria building. He was hit up by one of the robbers, but with the help of the Friendship Mafia, I was able to help defeat the robbers. Before I left though, your agent gave me this business card.” I explained as I showed the receptionist the business card. She observes it a bit and says, “Ok, just fill out these applications. These also act as a wavier.” She said as she gives me a couple of sheets. “Ah so the violent bone-breaking scenarios are pretty much guaranteed, huh?” I teased and chuckled a bit. The receptionist just gives me a funny look. “I’ll go fill these out now.” “You’ll also need this.” The receptionist said as she gives me some glasses. “I don’t need any glasses, thank you.” I said. “If you say so.” The receptionist said. I can see pretty well, I knew I didn’t glasses, but when I was about to sit down, I started to have the feeling that I would need them. “Actually, I’ll take those glasses.” I said as I took them, along with the applications and a pen, and then I sat down so I could fill them out. I didn’t put on the glasses yet, but when I opened the packet to see what I needed to fill out, the sheet was completely blank. I didn’t really understand that, but then I realized it could’ve been a mistake, so I turned the page and saw that the next page was blank too. I turned all of the pages and I saw every single page was blank. It was weird. Why did the receptionist give me an application with nothing on wrote on it? I saw somepony next to me filling out an application too, but like mine, his was completely blank too, but he was writing on it with a pen, but nothing was coming out of the pen. He was like writing something, without writing anything. Like imaginary writing. “Hey! Eyes on your own paper!” the pony next to me said as he blocked his paper. “There’s nothing even on it!” I said. “Hey, my business is my own, buddy. If you can’t accept it, you might not be FDA material.” The pony said. I was about to get angry, but I held my tongue and took a deep breath. “I apologize.” I said. “It’s ok. Don’t worry about it.” The pony said. “If you want my advice, perhaps you might not see well.” ”I can see just fine.” I said. ”If you say so.” The pony shrugged as he continued writing on his application, I looked up on his face and saw he was wearing glasses. In fact, they looked like the same type of glasses that the receptionist gave me. Hmm… I wonder. So I put the glasses on, just like that, things became clearer. I could finally see the words on the application. Wow, the FDA is really clever! What kind of pens do they use anyway? I found a pen on the table, and I figured that it was the only type of pen I should use to fill these out. So I put in my name, age, height, bodyweight, but right next to bodyweight it says, ‘Sorry, for asking.’ Wow, the FDA is polite too. So once I finished answering all of the questions on my application, I gave the application to the receptionist and she said, “Alright. We’ll take a look at this, and we’ll call you.” “Got it!” I said. “Have a nice day!” ”Don’t tell me what to do!” the receptionist said rudely. “I’ll just ignore that.” I said as I walked away. “Well done! You passed the first test!” the receptionist said. “Ignoring!” Well, that was easy, and a bit strange too. The receptionist insisted that I keep the glasses. Anyways, for the time being, my work there was done, so I went over to Elusive’s club – The Jam, which wasn’t really nearby. Jelly lied to me. I mean I know she said that just so Cesaer and Orange wouldn’t get on my back, but the least she could do is give me directions. I had to use the GPS on my phone to find it, and half of the time it was pointing me to a direction of an alleyway, and I don’t trust alleyways. Yeah, funny coming from a pony that went through an alleyway to find out the jewelry store owners now live there. I wonder how they’re doing now? I should really use some of my money to donate those I robbed. I’m starting to believe now that I didn’t have to go to prison. I would’ve just given them the money, and I’m good. Anyways, once I got to The Jam, the bouncer outside blocked me. “Whoa, buddy! Are you on the list?” he asked. “I should be, mate. I half own this place.” I said. “You’re Jerry Jam, right?” the bouncer asked. “That’s me!” I said. “I don’t believe you. Get outta here!” the bouncer demanded. ”I have my ID right here!” I said as I showed the bouncer it. “That could be fake. There are a lot of credit frauds in this town. A pony that owns the carriage dealership nearby is a credit fraud!” the bouncer said. “Look, I’m a close friend of Elusive.” I said. “Half of the ponies in this town say they’re friends with Elusive.” The bouncer said. “C’mon, mate! Don’t be like that! Have you been rejected in the past?” I asked. ”SHUT UP!” the bouncer yelled as he teared up. “I’LL BEAT YOU TO A POLE IF YOU DON’T GO AWAY!” ”Bumper! Bumper Sticker, calm down!” Elusive said as he walked out. “Jerry’s my partner.” ”Really? What happened to Trum Bone?” Bumper the bouncer asked. Heh! That sounds clever! ”No, I don’t mean it like that. Jerry’s my business partner! You should be showing him some respect!” Elusive said. ”My apologies, boss.” Bumper said to me. “Please, come in.” ”Thank you!” I said as I followed Elusive inside. “Wow, what a jerk!” ”I need a tough pony here. I’m too soft. Ponies would do whatever they want if I didn’t have a tough strong stallion here with me.” Elusive said. “I understand how you feel.” I said. “Woo! Anyways, welcome The Jam, Jerry Jam! The hottest club in town!” Elusive said. “After a long time we’re at the TOP, baby! OWW! Woo! Fabulous!” ”I see.” I said. “So, Jer, how are you enjoying LP?” Elusive asked. “So far so good.” I said. “How’s Jelly?” Elusive asked. “She’s doing good!” I said. “Yeah she’s such a sweetheart.” Elusive said as we walk over to the bar area and sit down at it. “Hey Clara Net, dear. How about some grape ciders, over here?” The sexy bartender nods as she pours some shots of cider for us. “Yeah you’re going to love it here, Jer! There’s so much you can do here in Las Pegasus!” I said. “You get to meet a bunch of celebrities, you can kick ponies out whenever you like, and the V.I.P. section is WILD!” “When did you open this bar, Elou?” I asked. “Just a few years back. I’ve always wanted to run my own club! It’s the most popular club in LP!” Elusive said. ”Anypony else work here?” I asked. ”Well we have Bumper Sticker up front, Clara Net handles the bar, and we have that darling Sky Net handling the security monitors! What more could we need? I mean, other than a business partner like you!” Elusive said as he love-taps my hoof. Elusive picks up his shot of cider with his magic, holds it up in the air, and he says, “Cheers to business partners!” ”To business partners!” I said as I pick up my glass with my hoof and clang it against his. My shot glass that is, not my hoof. “So what’s my job?” ”I heard you have sweet moves!” Elusive said. ”You heard correct!” I said. “Well since you’re the assistant manager, you could also work for head of security. Maybe you can keep an eye on things on the dance floor. You know, officially manage the place!” Elusive suggested. “That sounds like a marvelous idea! Bloody marvelous!” I said. “Eww! Bloody!” Elusive commented. I then started chuckling. “Oh you think that’s real funny, don’t you?” ”A bit, yeah.” I shrugged. “Yo, Elou! One of the monitors got all staticy and what-not. You gonna ask for a repair pony or somethin’!” a mare that looks pretty sassy came in complained. “It’s probably just the camera. Might just needs to get the frequency adjusted.” I suggested. “Was I talking to you, fool? No I don’t think I was! Shut your flank up!” the mare complained. “How charming.” I said. “Yeah, Sky Net, this is my new business partner, Jerry Jam.” Elusive said. “Sup fool?” Sky Net asked. ”Not much, Sky Net.” I said. “Pretty sassy for a robotic I.A. wanting to take over the world, huh?” “You tryin’ to be funny, fool?” Sky Net asked. I took a deep breath and really held in my tongue. “Don’t worry, Jer. Sky Net is a very nice pony. She’s very loyal. She’s very useful to have around!” Elusive said. “You break my sweetheart Elusive’s heart, I break you!” Sky Net threatened me. ”I get it.” I said. “Yeah try saying that to my many ex-stallionfriends.” Elusive teased. “Hoo hoo! I’m so bad!” “Anyways, Jerry, welcome to the business! I assume you’re head of security?” Sky Net asked. “He did say that!” I said. “Well I look after the security cameras, so I’d be giving you an eye in the sky of what you need to know if there’s trouble going around the club.” Sky Net said. “They don’t call me Sky Net for nothin’!” “Good to know!” I said. “So we start tonight at 6. That’s when we open, but you should come in a half-hour earlier to get prepared for the night.” Elusive said. “Alright, I’ll be here!” I said. “Hey, by the way, do you have a DJ here?” “Yeah he’s right over there choosing songs for the night.” Elusive pointed to a white unicorn with orange hair and an ear-ring on his left ear. “It’s an old-timer. His name is Record Scratch, but folks like to call him DJ Pon-2. He really wants to start a line of pony DJs. He’s got a daughter that plays in Ponyville!” “Cool!” I said. “Anyways, I wanna set things up at Jelly’s house, so I’ll catch up with you later!” I started walking out. “Good to have you on board with us, Jer! See you tonight!” Elusive said. So I walked out of the club and I went to Jelly’s house. Had to use my GPS again to get there since Jelly didn’t give me directions. I tried calling her, but she wouldn’t answer. Maybe she was busy. Anyways, I found her house eventually over at Applewood Hills. It was a very lovely neighborhood! I had the feeling she brought my stuff inside already. Well, here it is! My new home! Well, temporarily, until I get on my hooves. Jelly gave me an extra key to her house before she dropped me off, so I have immediate access to it. When I got there though, the door was a crack open. It looked like it was broken off. I have to admit, I was feeling a little nervous. When I got inside I saw that the living room was a mess! Now at first I thought she was a slob, but then I figured out that she was better than that. I checked her bedroom real quick though, and I saw that Jelly still sleeps with her teddy bear, Mr. Raspberry Jam. You know, I have the feeling in another universe, this teddy bear has a rough life. I looked around the house to see if I could find anything. Something wasn’t right here. The sofa was tipped over, a lot of books from the shelves are on the floor, the coffee table was broken, and so was the ceiling fan. This couldn’t have been an ordinary slob-house. My sister was obviously in a dramatic moment. Now I know she doesn’t have anger issues, so she couldn’t have done it herself. The door was broke open, so that means somepony had to come inside, and Jelly was probably fighting them, but the question is who, and why? I have no doubt about it. Jelly wasn’t here, I checked everywhere for her. I have the feeling my sister is in trouble! I looked around the house for clues. Her purse wasn’t touched, and there were expensive things in here, but they weren’t stolen. This isn’t a heist for Jelly’s riches; somepony wanted Jelly herself for some reason. I have no doubt about it now; Jelly has been kidnapped, and I have the feeling it’s because of me! Could it have been Cesaer Salad or Orange Swirl? No, they like my sister, and they are loyal to me, they couldn’t have. General Lee? Maybe, but I’m not sure. I’d have the feeling he wants to just avoid us. He has no grudge on me. What is this about? Why has my sister been snatched from her home?