//------------------------------// // Capers in Coltchester // Story: Tales from Equestria // by Hereward //------------------------------// Twilight sat at her dining table, scrutinising a small piece of cardboard floating in front of her. Rarity stood nearby with an unusually bothered look on her face and Applejack sat at the studious unicorn's side. Pinkie Pie was currently looking over some of the Golden Oak Library's stock of books in a random pattern, searching for something to while away the time. Just then her scalp began to itch, telling the hyper pink pony that there was going to be some amusing dialogue soon. "You know," Twilight told the company, "I'm looking forward to this. A weekend by the sea, salt air in your lungs, sun on the water..." "Sand in yer sandwiches." Applejack remarked as she finished one. "Pull the other one, Applejack." Twilight declared. "You're looking forward to it just as much as I am. When I called for you this morning you were whistling." "Ah always whistle when makin' breakfast." "You were happy." "Easy now. No need t' shout it all over Ponyville. Anyway a good day's work can make me happy as much as a holiday." Just then Spike came in. "What a beautiful day." He declared. "If Coltchester's got the same sort of weather schedule we'll be laughing." "Only if Fluttershy can get here with that carriage." Rarity pointed out, beginning to look uneasy. "Fluttershy's not gonna let us down." Pinkie reassured them. "It's not that I don't think she's going to show," Rarity remarked, "I'm just concerned that she'll be delayed by her own meek nature." "Wait a minute!" Applejack suddenly realised. "Twi, 'ow did'ya ge' t'all yer postcards before we even started out?" "They're cheaper to buy locally." Twilight grinned. "And that's your idea of a reckless let-yer-'air-down spirit? We are all goin' on 'oliday." "I don't want to make a big dent in the treasury." She answered. "After all the Princess did let us have the carriage on account." "Is that why Fluttershy's bringing it?" Rarity asked in a bewildered tone. "Oh, come on darling!" She almost shouted out the door and sighed. "Why do some pegasus ponies zip across the sky in a flash and others keep holding back for everypony else?" It was a rhetorical question but Pinkie Pie just had to answer. "It takes all sorts to make Equestria, Rarity." She said. "Anyway Derpy's quite a nice pegasus." "Yes," Rarity sighed, "But she's just a bit soft in the head." Just then they noticed that Twilight had a quill and paper out and was browsing over the paper using the quill as a bookmark. "By Celestia," Applejack groaned, "Twilight's at it again. What's eatin' yer, Twi?" "Ah!" Twilight answered once she'd finished. "As I suspected, something's missing. I've been going through my checklist of luggage and personnel and I'm sure there's something missing." "That had to be Rainbow Dash." Rarity pointed out, prompting a under-the-breath confirmation from Twilight. "When will she get here, anyway." "I did suggest 9 o'clock." Twilight replied. "I gave her clear instructions so she could prepare efficiently written down in the most straightforward way for the average pony, but she has to be above-average." "And I'll swear before Celestia," Pinkie remarked, "That those are among my favourite kinds of ponies." "Me?" Said Twilight. "Give me a razor-sharp intellect anytime." "Don't worry, Twilight." Pinkie replied. "I will as soon as I find one." The unicorn shook her head at Pinkie's nature. "Presenting Rainbow Dash!" Spike declared as he stood at the door. "Thank Celestia she made it." Twilight sighed with relief. "Oh my!" Rarity almost screamed as she looked out the door. "Why can't she ever display herself as the kind of mare you'd expect to see in a high-class band?" "She's more of an elastic band." Pinkie answered. Rainbow actually trotted in with bulging and rather unkempt looking saddlebags, planting a box on the side and a pair of boots on the table, allowing her mouth freedom to speak. "Look at that!" Applejack groaned. "Right on mah sandwiches." She took them herself. "Yer sure are the Duke of Wellington, ain't that right RD." She made for the door. "Hey, AJ!" Rainbow Dash interrupted. "What are ya doin' with my boots?" "Yer know Rarity." She responded. "She's probably not gonna breathe 'til these things are outdoors." Rainbow let it slide. However Rarity had another bone to pick. "Darling," She interrogated, "Why did you bring a cardboard box?" "I've got my best-dress hat in there." Rainbow replied. "I don't want to get it squashed!" "Really." Rarity groaned. "Didn't you keep its hat box? This is the sort of thing that a real lady would put out with the rubbish." "Like you can talk." The pegasus retorted. "Look at all the luggage you brought. Anypony would think we were preparing for an expedition." "Oooh, you think we'll meet a giraffe?" Pinkie asked them. "Or a bear? Maybe a zebra? D'you think he'd know Zecora?" Both Rarity and Rainbow Dash now simultaneously gave Pinkie Pie a stern look. "Okayyy. Hang on, let me show you some of my new gear." She left the room unseen, bewildering them as they'd only looked away once, and came back before even a minute had passed. She even got up on the table in an unusual posture with her rear legs sticking out straight and her front hooves resting on her thighs without anypony seeing her do so. "Heh." Rainbow chuckled. "Look as Miss Dainty-hooves." Pinkie was now wearing a golfing blazer, horseshoes that resembled plimsoles and, for some reason, a pair of trousers. "Sweet Celestia!" Rarity cried at the sight. "You're a disaster, dear! Look at those trousers; they're halfway up your nostril!" She tugged at the bottoms by way of her magic. "Ease off, Rarity." Pinkie interruped. "You, of all ponies, feeling another mare's leg. If it's gonna be that kind of holiday, I'm cancelling." Pinkie was certainly a sight, sitting on the table, even when she bent her knees. "Don'chyer think she looks like a ventriloquist's dummy?" Applejack asked as she set one hoof on Pinkie's shoulder blade. "Only if you pull the string." Rainbow said as she took Pinkie's tail in her fetlock and gave a half-hearted tug. "I go'a lo'a gear." Pinkie played along with a laugh. Rainbow Dash pulled again. "I go'a lo'a gear." "Okay, okay everypony." Twilight attempted to settle things down. "I know she might not be Sapphire Shoes, Rarity, but you've gotta admire her for doing herself up a bit." "Cheers, Twi." Pinkie replied. "She looks like a walking peppermint." Rarity stated. "But she has made some effort." "Ma'm!" Pinkie snapped to attention. Rarity gave a few tugs on the blazer until she came to the handkerchief, which she found to be nothing more than a cardboard facsimile. She took it out and tore it apart, much to Pinkie's chagrin. "Darling, don't you have a real handkerchief?" "Oh! Would you like to borrow it?" Pinkie reached into her mane and pulled out a crumbled hankie covered in a multitude of baking ingredients. "No thank you, Pinkie!" Rarity replied. "But I'll let you know if I need an oven cleaned." Then they all noticed a most unusual smell permeating the edifice. "Oh!" Rainbow responded to their constant sniffing. "That's my new cologne." "Oh, very subtle indeed, dear." Rarity remarked. "I suppose if you wanted the large size you would've received a cartload." "It's totally radical." Rainbow answered. "It's called 'Flyceps'." "Smells more like 'Sty-treks'." Applejack remarked. "It's a Wonderbolts' cologne." Rainbow defended. "Well, they'd have to be pretty fast if they were wearing that." Rarity added. "'Flyceps'?" Spike checked. "Which I suppose means airbourne forceps; in other words a pair of tweezers with wings. Now that could take a bit of getting used to." He sniffed. "And this'll take a bit of getting used to, too. Which explains why they call it 'Flyceps'." "But a cologne doesn't explain lateness." Twilight changed the subject. "I was expecting you at nine o'clock." "Oh!" Cried Rainbow Dash. "She's off again. The egghead's off again." "We must keep to the schedule!" Twilight declared. "I couldn't help it!" Rainbow defended. "I was flying round at the last minute trying to find someone to leave Tank with." "Couldn't you organise a tortoise-sitter yesterday? Why didn't you come to somepony who could organise; I'd apply a methodical brain to the problem." "Twilight," Rainbow explained, "Normally I'd leave him with Fluttershy, but since she's coming with me I thought I'd try Derpy. But when I went to call on her, no Derpy. It looks like she's gone on holiday too." "Ponies do take weekend breaks." Twilight pointed out. "Only if Fluttershy makes it." Rarity added. Then, speak of the devil, the sound of hooves outside. "Okay!" Spike declared as he poked his head in. "She's got the carriage here." With that they all gathered their things. Except Rarity who waited while she powdered her nose and Spike got her luggage out, except for one little handbag. When she did depart she asked him. "Did you lock the back door?" "Only about a dozen times." He replied, closing and locking the door behind him. Two minutes later he unlocked it again, letting Twilight gather her postcards. "Really, Twilight. 'We must keep to the schedule'." She gave him a hard look as Pinkie honked a horn she decided to bring. "Come on, chief!" Rainbow called out as the two of them left the library. --- When faced with the issue of pulling the carriage Twilight found an excellent solution, every pony would take it in turns. She was unspokenly well qualified to time a pony pulling for the sake of fairness but, when it was her turn, she needed Spike to do it and, considering his feelings for Rarity, she made it clear that she would not go either just before or just after her. The result was an interesting mix of travel experience. Whenever Rarity pulled her concern for her complexion resulted in a slow leisurely pace allowing for a good look at the scenery and ensuring that her friends could occupy themselves with various past times. When Rainbow Dash pulled they went at a high speed as the pegasus became awfully keen to make up time, resulting in a none-too-smooth ride. Fluttershy took a leisurely pace but maintained a reasonable speed, especially to make up for whenever an animal on the road made her stop, and Applejack set a fairly swift pace for the purpose of effeciency and safety. Things took a curious turn on a bridge when Fluttershy stumbled as she put on the brakes due to there being a family of ducks crossing up ahead. After due consideration, especially since she brought the carriage in the first place, they agreed to let Fluttershy ride for the rest of the journey, Twilight's gambit still in force. They were just over halfway when they stopped at a cafe for a break. "'ere we are." Applejack presented them with a glass of orange juice each; she would've got them apple juice but there wasn't any. "Just a quick drink while Fluttershy's washin' 'er hooves." "You know the barkeep looks very high-class," Spike told them, "Which I usually take as a sign that the drinks are a bit below par." "What's it matter?" Rainbow Dash asked. "We're on holiday!" They all took a swig, only to discover that Spike knew where he was coming from. "Okayyy, maybe it does matter a little." "This residence," Twilight referred to their choice of place to stay, "Is a quaint family business only a short trot from the beach. What say you to a swim every morning before breakfast." "What do yer think?" Spike asked generally. "What do we think." Rainbow Dash replied. "Suit yourself." Twilight sighed. "I'll go on my own." "Good on yer, Twi!" Applejack shook her hoof. "They don't make 'em like that anymore." Spike said. "They never did." Rainbow added. "What's the big deal?" She asked them. "Don' take this the wrong way, Twi." Said Applejack. "But takin' a swim tha' early in Col'chester is paramount to foolhardiness." "Oh, you've upset her." Pinkie groaned, never happy to see a pony in the dumps. "Come now," Applejack tried to bring Twilight round, "We can all be a bi' stupid now and agin." "Who's going on 'oliday, then?" Pinkie Pie cheekily asked in the hopes of lightening the mood. "Little Twilight's going on 'oliday! I'll buy you a stick o 'rock, I'll buy you a plate of kelp..." "Don't please, Pinkie!" Twilight interrupted. "You're starting to sound like my auntie Blue Bell." "Good grief!" Rainbow Dash blurted out. "Where's Fluttershy got to?!? She's not stuck in the bog, is she?" "RD," Said Applejack, "If Fluttershy can 'erd bunnies surely she can steer 'er way through tha' simple act." "Maybe she's having trouble with her clutch." Pinkie suggested. "Let's face it," Rainbow continued, "She must've been in there for about..." She looked at a watch on her fetlock. "Oh my!" Rarity declared. "That's very nouveau riche." "Have you been balancin' yer payments agin?" Applejack asked. "I got it from Time Stitch, four bits a week." She answered. "Well she's not gonna have a fun Hearth's Warming then, is she." Pinkie moaned. Spike took a good look at it. "How many needles do yer need?" He asked. "That's more than a watch." Rainbow proudly declared. "That is a mini-barometer!" "How so?" Twilight asked, bewildered by the sight of it. "I haven't got round to that part yet. For Celestia's sake I gotta have time to understand all the functions." All of them smirked at this. "Okay then." Applejack challenged. "Wha's the time now?" Rainbow Dash looked hard at the watch as she tried to answer. "If you're a divin' pony it can tell ya how deep the water is." She mentioned. "Oh," Twilight sarcastically remarked, "That's very useful, isn't it." "And it's waterproof!" RD carried on. "Oh yes," Rarity joined in Twilight's snarking, "I can see where that would be appealing." "Flyceps!" RD returned as Pinkie tried to take a drink, leaning further and further forward. "And where are you going, darling?" Rarity asked. "I'm trying to keep the juice out of my mane." Pinkie replied, struggling to understand why Rarity, of all ponies, would have an objection. "I told you to go to the hairdresser." Rarity bemoaned. "Oh, come now Rarity." Pinkie declared. "The proprietor's not gonna mind what my haircut's like." "Yes." Rarity sighed. "Coltchester isn't the most sophisticated of towns. Why couldn't we have gone to Blackmule?" "Ah told ya!" Applejack replied. "As long as dear ol' Granny Smith 'as a breath left in 'er body no Apple's gonna set a hoof in Blackmule if they can 'elp it! Anyway yer can talk; yer di'n't take mah suggestion too kindly." "Well," Rarity answered, "I ask you. Who'd dream of going to Armadillo?" Just before any of them could get into an 'odd-couple' argument Spike intervened. "Hey, Fluttershy's back." He told them as the pegasus in question quietly sidled up to the bar and quietly supped her orange juice. When she caught them all looking at her she drew her head in and said. "They've got a charming decor in the lavatory." "Well I'm not sure where you'd sleep." Pinkie remarked. "Let's just have our drinks and carry on to Coltchester." "Pinkie," Twilight responded, "That's quite possibly the most sensible thing I've ever heard you say." --- The journey into Coltchester itself was rather uneventful, although they did get their first view of the sea out of the entire trip. Applejack took the limbers for the final leg of the journey and made the decision to make a brief stop on the seafront, allowing everypony to stretch their legs and breathe the sea air. "Will you just smell the air." Rarity remarked with a sense of refreshment as they stood looking out across the sparkling waters. "Mmm," Spike murmured, "Pearls and chips." "And then they say 'there's no poetry in him'." Twilight responded. "Oh, look." Rainbow Dash stated as she took a glance behind her. "Applejack's made a new friend already." It turned out that a transport official had advised the farm pony to take her carriage elsewhere. "This is why Ah'd've preferred Armadillo." She groaned as the official walked away. --- Applejack pulled them up to the front of their booked digs and unhitched herself as Twilight opened the door. They proceeded to unload their luggage as the proprietor stepped out to greet them, just as Applejack chucked Rainbow's cardboard box out of the carriage, meeting with harsh words from the pegasus. When Rarity greeted the proprietor she gave a few of her cases to Spike while they shook hoofs before the mature mare led her latest guests indoors, but Fluttershy had been left behind as she gathered her belongings so Applejack had to step outside again. "C'mon now, Fluttershy." She called. "Yer know yer should speak up a bi' more." With that they finally went about moving into the guest house. Applejack and Pinkie Pie shared one room, Fluttershy and Rarity took another while Twilight, Rainbow Dash and Spike got the penthouse suite. "I thought those stairs would never end." Spike puffed as they entered the room. "Five fluttering flights." "Still," Twilight remarked, "It's only one flight down to the bathroom." "Yeah." He answered. "Once the red mist clears from your eyes it's quite a nice room." "It'd be quicker to fly up." Rainbow moaned. "Look, there's an outdoor entrance." "That," Twilight replied, "Is the fire escape." "Oh well." Spike flopped onto one of the beds as Rainbow Dash slipped her wellies under another. "I'm gonna have a rest and I'll face them stairs again... Wednesday." Just then a hoofbell rang out. "Help! The building's on fire!" "Only if yer don't watch yerself." Rainbow laughed. "That's lunch." Twilight identified. "You mean lunch is on fire?" Spike asked. "I mean that's the signal for lunch to start." "Well, that doesn't make sense." He said as he leapt off the bed and would've galloped down the stairs if he were a pony. "Why don't they shout like anyone else?" "Spike!" Twilight went into surrogate parent mode. "Walk, don't run." "Well," Rainbow Dash stated, "It mightn't be far too the beach but it's a dreadfully long way to the dining room." "Take courage." Twilight advised. "It's downhill all the way." --- "Oh, yes." Rarity concluded once she polished off her meal. "A most palatable cuisine." "Well we are still in Equestria." Rainbow Dash responded. "It's not like we went abroad like that daft mare Lyra." "Why?" Applejack asked. "Where'd she go?" "Zebrica." The spectrum-maned pegasus replied. "She said the water was drinkable." A rather unfortunately aged maid came and started collecting the dirties, only managing Applejack's, Rarity's and Fluttershy's at this time. While she took them to the kitchen Rainbow Dash started slipping the leftovers of her corn-on-the-cob under her wings. "What are you doing?" Twilight asked her with a touch of disbelief. "Well, since we're in the room up-top," She answered, "I thought I'd take a few scraps up for the seagulls." "Oh, no." Fluttershy started. "You can't feed seagulls just like that, they can be like vultures at times. They could have your leg off." "Or in 'er case 'er feathers." Applejack added. "Also their insides aren't all that well-developed." Fluttershy continued. "Those things could go straight through them like a drain." Spike, being a dragon, naturally had a totally clear plate. "Here comes the guard." He snarked as the maid came to clear away their dirties again. She took up Twilight's plate and then both Spike's and Rainbow's, and promptly gawked at them. "Do they eat the cobs an' all?" She asked incredulously. --- The rest of the day was much more subdued but fun for our mares. A jaunt down the promenade and a few games reinvigorated their holiday spirits. All this culminated in some activities on the beach, during which Twilight, Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie went over to some rocks for various purposes. "Um, can I ask...?" Fluttershy ventured and was promptly welcomed. "Why does seawater taste so strongly of salt?" "I expect they ran out of vinegar." Pinkie Pie suggested. "No," Twilight half-laughed half-groaned, "It's the mineral content; the wear and tear on the rocks." "Oh." Pinkie seemed to comprehend. "Like sliding down a fireman's pole? That's something I always wanted to do." Neither of her friends could figure what in Equestria she was talking about, as usual. "Hey! I think there's a periwinkle." "Really?" Fluttershy checked. "I'm not sure." Pinkie sighed. "It went in a flash." "Don't worry, they'd take too much training to make good pets anyway." "What in the eyes of the Princesses are you two talking about?!?" Twilight asked incredulously. "Winkle training!" Pinkie Pie answered before turning to the shy pegasus. "They need a firm hoof." "But... what about affection?" "Nonsense. Many periwinkles got spoiled by pampering." Applejack wasn't too far behind, having seen the rock pools as a challenge, and Rarity was watching them all from the comparative cleanliness of the sand. "Good gracious!" The farm mare declared. "Mah hooves are all green." "Would that be from the outside or the inside?" Rarity snarked. "Outside." Applejack returned. "It's gotta be these 'ere rocks." "That's life." Pinkie remarked as she came bouncing over. "You start off in the morning full of hope and by teatime your hoofs are going green." "Sweet Celestia!" Twilight reacted. "Is it that time already?" --- It was close to midnight. The ponies and dragon were all sound asleep in their nigh pitch-black rooms when Twilight stirred as her subconscious registered an anomaly. She turned on the bedside lamp, which startled Spike from his slumber. "What's up, Twilight?" He asked apprehensively. This prompted a 'shush' from her. "Well, I was full of shush a moment ago, it was you who started me off." "I keep hearing something." She whispered. "So can I." He moaned. "It's a frantic unicorn saying 'shush'." "Listen." "What? I can't hear a thing." "Spike, I've developed a keen aural reflex from all the antics I've had to endure. One snap of a twig and my horn's on standby." "And who's gonna be snapping twigs round here?" "It could be haunted. The building's haunted! Unless they've got mice." "You mean... zombie mice?!?" "Keep your ears peeled. You should hear what I mean." She focused on her hearing. "It's in the wardrobe!" "It's a seagull!" Rainbow Dash remarked. "In the wardrobe?!?" "Nah, it's scratching." She answered. "It just sounds like it's in the wardrobe." "Sure." Twilight snarked. "It can throw its voice into the wardrobe." "For Celestia's sake, go to sleep." Rainbow moaned. "Once I've made an investigation." Twilight swung her legs over the side of her bed. Rainbow Dash all but leapt off hers. "I'll do it! I'll do it." She opened the door ajar, took a quick peek and shut it. "There ya are, nothing unusual." "You call that investigating?!?" Twilight was incredulous. "Okay, I tell you what." Rainbow suggested. "Let's all go for a walk along the front. The air'll help us sleep." "What are you trying to hide?" Twilight probed as she nudged her out of the way. "Doesn't look like much from here." Spike commented. Twilight levitated an item of luggage out of the wardrobe. "They've got inside your box." She mentioned. "Don't bother them, then." Rainbow took it in her teeth and set it on her bed. "Fluttershy's never gonna let it down if she learns we just turned some innocent little creature out into the cold." Twilight now forcefully opened it up. "You don't want mice running around in your personal belongings." Twilight told her, just as she noticed something. "It's Tank! She's brought her bally tortoise!" "You can't take 'er anywhere, can yer." Spike snorted. "You'll have to take him outside." Twilight lectured. "No way!" She returned. "It's much too cold; he'd get ammonia." "It's pneumonia." Twilight corrected. "And he won't. Reptiles don't catch pneumonia." "What about during your first Winter Wrap-Up?" Spike reminded her. "Okay, so dragons can catch cold but they still aren't susceptible to pneumonia." "Pneumonia or no, I'm not taking him out in this cold." Rainbow insisted. End I may write a continuation of this depending on the responses I get.