"Good heavens!" Rarity said. "Look at how muddy you are! And it's all over your face, too! Why, I'm surprised you can even see!"
Conrad touched his face. Against all odds, the mask was still on his face, exactly where it was supposed to be.
Rarity asked, "Do you need help finding your way home so you can wash yourself up?"
"Not exactly," Conrad replied. "I just came in from out of town, so I don't have a place to wash up."
"Oh, you poor thing! Well, follow me and I'll help you get cleaned up."
"Are you sure? I wouldn't want to impose."
"Think nothing of it, darling. If every pony only looked out for themselves, Equestria would be a horrible place in which to live."
Conrad started to follow Rarity, then stopped and frowned. "You don't just want my testicles, do you?"
Rarity silently stared at Conrad with a look of confused horror.
Conrad continued, "It's just, I've had that happen before."
Rarity stared at Conrad in horrified shock. Without a word she turned around and started walking. Having no better options, Conrad followed her.
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Rarity opened the door and stepped inside. Conrad followed her.
"Welcome to the Carousel Boutique," Rarity said to Conrad, "home to the finest apparel Ponyville has to offer: stallion's wear, mare's wear, and even clothes for little foals." Rarity gestured to the mannequins and mirrors around her.
"Oh, but do forgive me," she continued. "Where are my manners? The bathroom is around that corner, first door on your left. Take a shower and drop your dirty clothes down the laundry chute. There's some towels you can use to dry off, and I'll make sure you have some clothing to wear when you get out."
Conrad was flabbergasted. "Are you sure that's all right, ma'am?"
"Please, call me Rarity. What kind of pony would I be if I didn't help out another pony in distress?"
"Miss Rarity, I can't tell you how much this means to me. I've been here for a very long time, and I've honestly never had somebody be as kind as you are. If there's anything you want me to do in the future, anything at all, just ask."
Rarity giggled. "Oh, go on, then," she said.
Conrad left for the bathroom.
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Once in the bathroom Conrad took his clothes off and dropped them down the laundry chute. He turned on the hot water and stepped underneath to take a nice, long, hot shower. Under the spray of hot water all his troubles just seemed to melt away. After several minutes Conrad randomly grabbed one of the shampoo bottles.
"De-pil-a-to-ry," he read out loud. "Huh. Weird name for a shampoo."
Conrad squeezed out some liquid from the bottle and rubbed it into his hair. After several minutes his hair started coming away in clumps.
Well that's weird. Conrad thought. I know I've been shedding, but I didn't think it was this much.
Conrad kept running his hands through his hair, pulling away larger and larger clumps each time. He continued doing this until eventually the hair stopped coming off his head.
Conrad turned the water off, stepped out of the shower, and wrapped a towel around himself. As he moved to leave the bathroom he saw a bald human in the window next to him. Conrad jumped and yelled in shock and surprise.
It was just a mirror. Conrad caught his breath and wagged his finger at his reflection, as if to say, "oh, you."
Conrad moved around, watching as his reflection did exactly the same thing he did. There seemed something odd about his reflection, though...
Conrad touched his own scalp. In the mirror, his reflection did the same.
Oh, that's it. Conrad though. I'm just bald now.
...
I'M BALD?! When? How? How did this happen?! What will the other ponies think when they see me all bald and ugly? Will they think I'm a hideous freak of nature?
Conrad started to cry, but then he realized something.
Wait, the ponies already think I'm a hideous freak of nature.
Phew. Crisis averted.
Chuckling to himself, Conrad wrapped a towel around his waist and left the bathroom.
Rarity was hard at work in the main room, sewing up an outfit for Conrad. It was pink and it had ruffles.
"Hello, Rarity!" Conrad said cheerfully.
"Oh, I'm not quite done with your outfit," she said. Then she looked up and saw Conrad. Her ears flattened against her head, her pupils shrank to dots, and she screamed as loudly as she could.
"Monster!" she yelled, telekinetically throwing random objects at Conrad. "Fiend! Get back! Back, I say!"
"No, no, it's okay!" Conrad said. "I just lost my hair! It's not a big deal. I scared myself in the mirror at first, but I'm still the same person I always was."
Rarity darted past Conrad and started pounding on the bathroom door.
"Oh nameless po~nyyyyyy," she said in a loud singsong voice, "there's a horrible monster here and I could really use your he~lllllllp!"
The door swung open of its own accord. Rarity hesitated, then went into the bathroom. All she could find was a very large cluster of hair in the shower drain.
"You barbarian!" she yelled to Conrad, who had followed her at a distance. "What did you do to him?!"
"Do to who?"
"That pony that has in here, taking a shower! Oh, what a brave, noble, generous pony! If only I had treated him better during the brief time he was here!"
"What are you talking abou-"
Conrad touched his face with his fingertips.
Oh, fuck. My mask!
Conrad recalled taking his mask off with the rest of his clothing to get into the shower. He also recalled throwing that bundle of clothing down the laundry chute.
Fuuuuuuuck.
"Where does that go?" Conrad asked, pointing to the laundry chute.
"What? Why? Why do you want to know? I'll never tell you, you vile fiend! Never!"
Conrad sighed. He reached over and picked Rarity up with one hand. Then he opened the laundry chute and dropped her in. Rarity's cursing and yelling could be heard all the way down.
Conrad left the bathroom and followed the sounds of Rarity yelling to the basement.
Rarity had landed in a large basket of dirty clothing. As she tried to free herself she came upon an unknown object. She dug it out and held it up. It was a floppy, lifeless mask of Brave Heart. Rarity shrieked in terror.
"Oh, there you are," Conrad said to the mask. "I was afraid I'd lost you."
"Oh my God!" Rarity yelled. "You killed that poor, innocent pony and shrunk his face into a mask!"
"What? No, it's just a mask!"
"That's what I said!"
"No, I mean, it's a mask of one of the guards in the prison I spent time in. I threw a mask party were I wore his face as a joke, then pretended like I didn't recognize him! There's nothing creepy or scary about that!"
Rarity shrieked in terror again. Then she flopped backwards into the basket.
"Oh, very well. You win, I give up," she said with a melodramatic sigh.
Conrad stared at her in confusion.
"Well, aren't you going to get on with it?" she asked.
"Get on with what?"
"Obviously you're a monster here to ravish me. I can no longer hold out, so do what you wish."
"Well, all right," Conrad said.
Rarity closed her eyes and lay back. There was silence, then she heard Conrad approaching her. She could hear the soft rustling noises his body made as he walked towards her. His arm brushed up against her. She could feel his hot breath on her fur. She whimpered, partly out of fear and partly in anticipation. Conrad grabbed the clothing underneath her and slowly pulled it out from underneath her, rolling her onto her side.
Any minute now, that brute will force me to do wicked, naughty, unspeakable things. I must resist. I must not give him the satisfaction of my pleasure. Any second now... any second...
Any second...
Rarity cracked one eye open. What was taking him so long?
Conrad was now wearing the same muddy clothing he had been wearing when he first came into the shop. He had stuffed something lifeless and floppy into one of his pants pockets, and he was already walking back towards the basement exit.
"Wait, where are you going?" Rarity asked. "Aren't you going to ravish me? Take me by force? Do wicked and naughty and unspeakable things to me?"
Conrad laughed. "Oh, hell no. You're five pounds of crazy in a one-pound bag. I wouldn't touch that with a ten foot pole."
A fire burned in Rarity's eyes and she jumped to her feet.
"Now look here, mister! You are a monster, and I am a damsel in distress in a compromised situation! I demand you act appropriately to the situation!"
Conrad responded by bolting out of the basement.
One of Rarity's eyes twitched.
Rarity yelled as loudly as she could in rage and frustration.
"AAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!"
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"Crazy mares," Conrad muttered to himself as he walked away from the Carousel Boutique.
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Far away, on the other side of town, the Cutie Mark Crusaders looked up as they heard a faint yell.
"What was that?" Apple Bloom asked.
"That would be Rarity's scream of extreme sexual frustration," said Sweetie Belle.
Scootaloo made a face. "Ew, gross," she said.
"What does 'extreme sexual frustration' mean?" Applebloom asked.
Sweetie Belle sighed. "I'll tell you when you're older, kid."
Applebloom whispered to Scootaloo, "Is it just me, or does she say that a lot?"
Scootaloo nodded in agreement.
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Omake: Depilatory
"AAAAAAAAAA!!!!" Conrad screamed.
"AAAAAAAA!!!!" Rarity replied.
"MY HAIR!" Conrad yelled.
"YOUR HAIR!" Rarity yelled back.
"Why would you even have that shampoo?!"
"I DON'T KNOW!"