//------------------------------// // Kick 'Em in the Side // Story: The Moment No Pony was Waiting For (A Death Battle Parody) // by TundraStanza //------------------------------// Please make sure that the "Formatting" in the upper corner is set to "Dark", not "Light". Thank you. A/N: Let's see what I can do with this. Playstation fanboy discretion is advised. Properties in this chapter belong to Hasbro, ScrewAttack, Naughty Dog, and Sony Computer Entertainment. --- The Moment No Pony was Waiting For Season 3 E 21 Suggestions are there. Though, they sometimes seem... lopsided. When things get overly grim or fall victim to drama, you can always count on the comic relief character to make a snarky remark or release your inner desire to whack something upside the head. For example, there's Daxter... the half-otter, half-weasel that makes sure Jak keeps his mouth shut in the first game. Don't forget Spike, the young dragon assistant of Twilight Sparkle. He's W and I'm B. And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle. ---Death Battle--- Daxter -Species: Ottsel (formerly human) -Transformed due to Dark Eco -Small, frisk, and nifty with a weapon -Weapons: Electric Bug Swatter; Spray Gun -Not a very strong individual -Moves lack versatility without Jak somewhere nearby "Looks like Jak's still got the mojo!" Daxter used to be an ordinary human being beside his best friend Jak. What kind of normal human has ears that long and pointy? And look at that hair! Jak is totally a fairy just like Link. Are you still on about fairies? *sigh* The point is that one rowboat trip to Misty Island and a fall into a dark eco silo later, Daxter emerged as an ottsel: a half-otter, half-weasel with orange fur, a small tail... And he lost his junk! That's not the important thing. I disagree! There are three most important body parts a man needs to have: an arm, a shotgun for a leg, and a d- It was theorized that a large enough supply of light eco could potentially reverse Daxter's transformation. However, he reluctantly gave up that chance so that Jak could save the world. Fast forward a little and Jak gets taken in by the Krimzon Guard, a brutal military force in Haven City that arrests citizens simply for things as minor as a light tap. It took Daxter a whole two years to figure out a way to find Jak and get him out of a torture seat being blasted by lasers powered by dark eco. Where the hell was Daxter for most of those two years? No one knows. But a few days just before he managed a rescue, he took on the role of a metal bug exterminator for the Kridder Ridder Extermination Company. Apparently the robo-bugs were only a problem in the Industrial Section and the Port, because that's all Daxter ever got to explore during his job. While his moves to run and jump around aren't very versatile, he brings along a few weapons perfect for taking down the pests. They compose of an electric bug swatter and a spray gun. At first, his spray gun could only stun his enemies long enough to throw in a few lightweight kicks. However, he eventually obtained the Flamethrower Attachment, which turns his gun into... a flamethrower, and the Ultrasonic Attachment which allows him to shoot sound waves that can overload a metal bug's circuits if fired long enough. Despite his small size, Daxter has quite a big mouth on him. I'm guessing he used most of the two years prior to saving Jak to get wasted and talk about a bunch of fabricated stories about all the imaginary creatures he destroyed single-handedly. He's not old enough to drink alcohol. Oh. But you do have a point. In many of his past adventures, his first instinct was to toss a weapon to Jak and act as a backseat driver. Still, there's some bragging rights to be had from taking down the metal bug leader Metal Kaeden by himself. It's no Metal Gear. One step at a time, B. "Alright, everything in the building with more than two legs start trembling, 'cause the Daxternator is in the building!" ---Death Battle--- Spike -Species: Dragon -Hatched by Twilight Sparkle during an entrance exam -Little, exaggeratedly male, and dependable in a pinch -Fire breath with variations that can light up a long row of logs, be small enough for a single parchment, or large enough to melt a giant ice-cloud about the size of an Olympics stadium -Versatile tail that can double as a jackhammer -Can be distracted by his crush on Rarity and/or stage fright in front of an audience that fills an entire Olympics stadium -Scales can withstand the intense heat of lava or the piercing pain of needles -Is much weaker than the other dragons shown on screen "Twitchy tail? ... Twitchy tail!" Spike was born from the egg of a dragon after a sudden explosion startled the newest entry for the School of Gifted Unicorns. He was then pumped up with a magical burst that made him grow into a giant, until Princess Celestia stepped in and calmed the young unicorn down. In the years that followed, he would be trained to serve as Twilight Sparkle's personal assistant. The poor guy's been slapped around by the animators' antics more than W by all of his dates combined. That was uncalled for, B! Yet despite his constant punishment, he somehow gets up and manages to walk away from it every time. Like that one time in Dragon Quest, he jumped off a cliff over fifty-six feet high, landed face-first into a pool of freaking lava, sank under, swam back up, spit some of the molten rock out of his mouth, and was only worried about if he did the jump correctly instead of worrying about... you know... his life! Yes, the conditions that a dragon can survive are outrageous in the Equestrian universe. It isn't just heat that Spike's body can withstand. That force of impact from the belly flop alone would be enough to turn a normal human being into paste. And how the heck could he hold lava in his mouth without at least incinerating his tongue? I mean, this is just a baby dragon. What the *eff* are dragons in this universe made of?! Well, he's certainly got some strong stuff inside. Spike's normal green fires are just the right size to ignite an entire scroll or light up a row of firewood. But when push comes to shove, he can shoot an orange flame so large and hot that it can melt an entire block of ice approximately large enough to eclipse a stadium about the size of the Beijing Olympics "Bird's Nest". Seriously, what is in those gems that he snacks on and where can I get some? I want to try to set a giant bonfire that everyone can offer their sacrifices to in my name. ... No. Aw... though, now I'm curious. Why would the Equestrian Games have an official event in which the archery equipment can turn clouds into weapons of mass destruction? I don't know. Subtlety was never the show's strong point when it comes to showing off impressive feats. Speaking of poor subtlety, they really know how to push the point of his involvement in simultaneous pedophilia and bestiality with Rarity. Kid, there is a time and a place to get laid. Your protagonist's best friend is neither of those things. Which brings us to the factors that tend to work against him. Spike is a very young dragon and sometimes lets his emotions get in the way of his perception of various situations. While he's capable of speaking his mind and pulling his friends out of a tight spot, his hormones can create bursts of frustration or fear that make it difficult for him to think clearly. And being raised in an environment surrounded by colorful horses doesn't do him any diplomatic favors when dealing with other dragons. But hey, what he lacks in age and charisma, he makes up for with quick wit. "Aw, don't mention it, Applejack. It was my pleasure! Really!" ---Death Battle--- All right, the combatants are set. Let's settle this debate once and for all. It's time for a Death Battle! ---Death Battle--- A castle shines as bright as ever in the center of Ponyville. The camera takes a flier's view and enters through the middle of the front doorway. Our view pans down one long empty hallway past several more doors until it makes a sudden right turn. The princess's library looks like it's collecting plenty of books from outside sources. At a low table, Twilight Sparkle sits and enjoys reading one of the books thoroughly for every last detail. Her number one assistant hums while dusting the lower shelves. Her number two assistant quietly flies around organizing the books on the upper shelves. Unbeknownst to any of them, a light starts swirling around a full height mirror near the back of the large room. At least, it isn't known until the number one assistant glances to the side, continues dusting, and promptly does a double-take. Feather duster in claw, he slowly wanders toward the mirror for a closer look. "Uh, Twilight?" he calls behind him. "I thought you closed the portal after the last time we came back." "Mm-hm." Twilight nods, her eyes still intently absorbing the information on the page she has open. Spike leans close and sees an image of strange plants and flora. "Whoa... what is that? It doesn't look anything like Canterlot High." "That's nice," comments Twilight, flipping the page. Suddenly the image starts swirling around. The edges of the portal starts sucking with the sound of a vacuum cleaner. Spike yells, turns around, and tries to run. But his feet slide along the cold floor. Owloysius hoots in panic, not entirely sure what to do. The forceful wind lifts Spike off his feet. He even tries swimming against the air current, but to no avail. "H-H-Help!" he screams as he falls headfirst into the portal. Twilight snaps to attention, dropping the book from her magical grasp. She turns around at the scream and finally sees the trouble her assistant is in. She gallops forward quickly, hoping to grab him or at least be at his side. But as she makes a leap at the mirror, the swirling picture fades to nothing. Twilight smacks face-first into her own reflection in the glass. Even banging her hooves against the glass does nothing to the closed portal. "Spike?!" she asks in panic. "Spiiiiiike!" --- "Woo-hoo! That makes ninety-nine electric bugs on the wall!" hollers a small creature of orange fuzz. "Let's make it an even hundred!" An unusual scream is followed by a sudden something crashing right into him. Both he and the would-be attacker fall onto their backs, groaning a little. The ottsel dusts himself off before he gets a good look at the purple lizard that flew in. "Whew, never seen a bug quite like that before," he comments. "Wha...? Huh?" the alleged lizard gets up on two legs and scratches his head in confusion at his new surroundings. "And he's another big one," remarks the ottsel. He pulls out what looks like a small pitchfork with streams of electricity swimming between the prongs. "Well, the bigger they are, the harder they fall." "Say what?!" Spike's eyes open wide. His grip on his feather duster suddenly tightens. "FIGHT!" Daxter quickly runs in and twirls around. His foot knocks the feather duster out of the dragon's claw before his bug swatter smacks the dragon across the side of the face. He then proceeds to swing his swatter at various angles, sending the poor thing back a step with each hit. "Ow..." Spike puts his hands over his face. "What was that for?" "Made of tougher stuff than most bugs I've come across," mutters Daxter. He pulls his sidearm over his shoulder. "Well, how about a little spray job?" He pulls the small trigger and some fine mist sprays over Spike. He follows up his "gunshot" with a few flexible moves he learned from an as of yet unnamed kung fu movie. He even vocalizes the punching and kicking sound effects with every strike. "Cut it out!" yells a frustrated Spike. The dragon swats his claw forth and it smacks an unaware ottsel back a few inches. Daxter ends up colliding with a ventilated wall, and he quickly turns over to climb up its length. He jumps and points his Spray Gun straight down, allowing him to hover for a few seconds. Of course, once those few seconds are up, the pressurized, flight spray fizzles. "Death from above!" Daxter whips out his electric bug swatter and performs several front flips on his way down. Spike yelps out and runs out of the way, leaving Daxter to swat nothing but the grass on the ground. He turns around and makes a slight adjustment to his gun. "Playing keep away, huh? Tell me if you've heard this tune!" The Ultrasonic Attachment gives Daxter a sound wave projectile and it screams all the way to Spike. The dragon covers the fins on the sides of his head. He runs around in circles as Daxter continues to bombard him with more high-pitched squeals. "And now for the fiery finish!" Daxter twists his gun with the Flamethrower attachment. It shoots out a large jet of flames and surrounds the grass and Spike. "There! One hundred bugs!" The ottsel laughs... until the fire suddenly dances back around him and engulfs him, blocking him from the audience's view. He yelps and lets out a bunch of short screams. His fur is burning all over the place. As the camera pans back over, we can see Spike blowing out a huge breath of flames. The grass that was burning near him is currently nothing more than ashes. A small, fiery corpse drops to the dirt right where Daxter is supposed to be standing. His weapons hit the dirt too with a strange sparking explosion, in a weird mirror-shaped portal. Spike falls through and finds himself back in the library, being hugged by a shaking Twilight Sparkle. He hugs back with tears flowing from his eyes. "K... Oh! Burned!" ---Death Battle--- Somebody call the owners of the Oregon Trail wagons, because we're having fried ottsel tonight! Daxter may have the advantage when it comes to combat experience. However, most of his personal weapons are meant for dealing with electric bugs, not dragons. Using the data from before, Spike's entire body could easily withstand the heat and force of Daxter's Flamethrower and Ultrasonic guns. While the zaps from an electric bug swatter might have caused slight irritation, we've seen him take worse hits than that on several occasions, like a springboard trap in Castle-mania, several smacks in the head by a flying tortoise in Just For Sidekicks, and getting bonked on the head by a pony when he speaks out of turn in Hurricane Fluttershy and Twilight's Kingdom. Daxter's form of dealing punishment was just an ordinary Tuesday for the baby dragon. And even if we let Daxter have access to his Dark Daxter powers, we would've had to allow Spike to bring his greedy form to the fight as well. The result would have been relatively the same... albeit with more fire. Daxter just burned out in the end. The winner is Spike. ---Death Battle--- Next time on Death Battle... A strange glow sends several vehicles hurtling toward the dusty road. "Give up!" ---