My life is written in scars, both mental and physical. Truly, they are of my own doing, but no one really asks for hell. I’ve had enough of this place, and not only has my cigarette finally burned out, but the cuts on my arms stopped bleeding, so I guess I’m not dead yet. I did a lot for the ones I know and love.
What a funny word that is. Love. There is so much weight on it, but everyone can throw it out and around all willy nilly. I would be lying if I haven’t abused this word before. But now, I don’t even want it to leave my lips. For me, this word hurts beyond anything. My heart has been warped, destroyed, ripped out and burned under the amount of emotion I had for her.
A new girl, after all my depression and finally getting over things. She came around. I dated two girls in my time after my trip to the hospital. The first one was no connection and was simply empty companionship, while the second was just both of us looking for love, but it wasn’t with each other. She is still a good friend, but I wouldn’t know how long she may stay around seeing how her days are numbered by the amount of cuts she fairs.
But this girl came to me, of all people. She came to me. She had a crush on me, oh my how I felt about that. I promised nothing, but in my mind, I was figuring things out. I took her to a movie, and I took her on several dates, when we finally had our first kiss in the car at the park. Boy, was it magical. I never felt anything like it before.I melted into her kiss.
From then on, we went on more dates and we grew closer and closer. We didn’t even have an argument, until we were about to hit our five month anniversary.
She left for spring break and I was left at home to work. I went the whole week with this bad gut feeling. A feeling that wouldn’t go away. I just tried to ignore it, since I was going to a party on the last day of break. It was the only party I was going to that spring break and I needed something to distract me, seeing how she had no cellular connection to talk. As I sat and waited around the fire of smokers and kids just having a good time, I just zoned out as I looked at my phone, wondering when she would come home or text me. So, I sent a text saying I loved her so much, and that I couldn’t wait for her to come home.
She then replied that she was home and that we needed to talk. The feeling came back harder than before, and it was hurting. I got up and replied with sure. I said I was about to call, and she said no. She can’t call, she could only text. So I felt even worse. And I remember what she said, even though I deleted her number.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m so sorry. I never meant for this to happen. You deserve someone so much better than this. I just can’t be with you anymore. I am so sorry. I understand if we can’t be friends.
I called her right away. I couldn’t handle it. I needed to know why. Why this was happening. Why my true love was leaving me. And when she answered, I would get my answer.
“Please talk to me. What did you do?” I asked, my voice catching in my throat.
“Please… I can’t… in person… tomorrow…” Her voice was quiet.
“No. No no no no no. No. We went so long without talking and then you come back and tell me this. I love you, and I missed you so much. No. You tell me. Now.”
“I… I… I can’t…”
“What did you do?! Did you cut again?”
“No….” She was starting to cry.
“What did you fucking do? Did… did you cheat?”
She didn’t reply that time and started to cry. I knew that was the answer, but it hurt more to know the truth.
“When? When was this? Before you left?”
“No…”
“So it was over in west virginia?” I felt the anger boiling to the surface.
“I… I didn’t mean…” I just stared at my phone.
“FUCK!” I hung up. I couldn’t take much more. I had left the party and started to walk when I called her, so when I hung up, I was lost. I fell to my knees, and I just balled. I heard the people in the house next to me shouting and arguing. A woman saying something about how she shouldn’t be called something. I got up after a few minutes and dialed her bestfriend, my bestfriend I used to date but we were only friends together. She picked up tiredly.
“Hello…?” I could tell she was sleeping.
“She… she cheated on me. I don’t know why. Why, why, why, why, why… Why me? I loved her… and she left and… oh why…” I continued to cry and try to talk into her ear.
“Breathe! Breathe! I don’t know why she did what she did. I don’t know! I’ll call her, okay?”
“Okay…”
She hung up and I realized I was laying on my back on some random persons lawn, still balling my eyes out. After a few minutes, she called back.
“She wouldn’t answer, saying she was over someones house.”
I continued to walk and cry to her on the phone. I felt so lost and destroyed. I was in the bad part of town. I was on the main road and I heard gunshots in the distance, and a guy drove by in a car with a blown tire. I was scared, but I wanted something awful to happen to me. I continued to walk. My friend trying to comfort me.
A train came by, and I wanted to keep walking forward and not stop. I kinda wish I did. But, I waited and kept walking, lost. Before I knew it, she said something about calling a guy we know and hung up. I stopped at the local fast food place near the train tracks. Before I knew it, he called me up and asked where I was. I told him, and in a blink of an eye, he was there to take me home. I sat in the car, dead.
Once home, I thanked him for the ride and went into my room. I didn’t talk to anyone, they were never good at helping me anyway. So, I went into my bed and I cried. I cried all night, and the next day.
As stupid as it was, I spent the whole next day trying to convince her to try and work things out, since I loved her so much. But no, she couldn’t. So when the next day came around, I didn’t go. I stayed home to cry my eyes out. Boy did I cry. A lot.
Then she texted me, begging for a second chance. Begging. After all my thinking, I didn’t want to, but I did, and I was. But I made her come to my house and I talked to her about what she needed to do now. And then she asked my parents for forgiveness, and we were back together again.
It was getting better for about a week, but then after a day of going back to our old days, I smoked to destress. And I told her since I thought she needed to know. She didn’t like that, so we talked. And then I said a stupid line. I said smoking was better than cutting, and to a girl who cuts, it seemed like I attacked her.
So, we broke up because she thought we didn’t need a relationship. Another week goes by and I couldn’t handle it. She said there was a possibility of us getting back together, but there really wasn’t. She gave up before anything. But I tried everything I could. I apologized, I tried to be friends, I bought her flowers and everything. But it wasn’t working. So, one night. I cut. I said I never would, and I never understood cutting.
But I fucking cut. And it worked. I got lost. Felt nothing. I cut several times, each one deeper and deeper. But I didn’t want her to know.
After another day, I thought things were getting better, and so I asked her to prom and to get back together with me and give me another chance, but she couldn’t. She couldn’t forgive herself. She found out I cut.
That night, we talked and I said I couldn’t be around her if we weren’t going to get back together. I had too much emotion for her and I was hurting myself. She hung up on me crying and called our bestfriend, who called me asking me why I did it. I told her I was practically on the verge of suicide. She said okay.
Then, during the night, the one I loved started attacking me with the fact she is now cutting more and more, and how it is my fault. Then I just had to reply with one thing. How much did she try to help me in my pain. I went through my pain and helped her so much. I sacrificed so much for her. Now I’m numb and can’t feel anything. I have cried every night since.
And I still want to say I love her.