I heard some vague muttering. I opened my eyes, but didn’t see anything. The sounds I heard appeared to becoming from above me as I lay on my back.
I tried to move, but found myself in some enclosed space.
Calm down, there’s no way they would bury you alive, I thought. But the question remained, where the buck was I?
I felt slowly around. I seemed to be in a box.
Okay, don’t panic…
I panicked.
At some point after I began pleading for salvation, but before I lost control of my waste processing facilities, the planks in front of my face were torn away.
Six ponies and a dragon looked at me with a mixture of shock, surprise, relief, and horror.
“You’re alive?” stuttered Twilight.
“Obviously.” I sat up. “Don’t look at me like that. It’s like you’ve never seen anyone pull a Jesus before.” I looked around. “You put me in a freaking coffin?!”
“Well, we thought you were dead, sugarcube,” said Applejack.
“You didn’t, oh I don’t know, check to make sure?”
There was an uncomfortable silence.
“Or did you want it to be true so much that you blinded yourself to any other possibility?” I asked suspiciously.
They began vigorously denying the claim, except for Spike, who said, “I wanted you to stay in the coffin, honestly.” He shuddered. “I’m afraid of zombies.”
“Well, it sure doesn’t look like any of you have brains,” I said. “Trying to bury me without first checking to see if I deserved it.” I clambered out of the box and promptly faceplanted into the sand. My coordination was off. Apparently, I still hadn’t recovered from getting squished by the falling mast.
“You need rest,” said Fluttershy.
I moaned, getting a mouthful of sand for my trouble. I slowly rolled over. “How bad is it, doc?”
There was another uncomfortable silence. I was getting tired of those.
“Perhaps we should be getting back to the boat,” said Rarity. Rainbow and Applejack half-carried me back to the shore.
The good ship We’re going to kill you all had somehow come out of the fierce storm with relatively little damage. The hull was scratched from being bound tightly against the rocks, but at least the wood hadn’t been cracked open from being repeatedly slammed against them.
“Any other damage?” I asked.
“We lost a whole tray of cupcakes when a nasty wave washed down the hatch while we were pulling you out from under the mast,” explained Pinkie.
Twilight rolled her eyes. “More importantly, the wave also flooded the medical supply cabinet. The vitamins are ruined.”
“Are we going to get scurvy?” I asked with alarm.
“Don’t worry,” Twilight assured me. “We aren’t far from the Kangaroo Kingdom.”
Working together, the other ponies managed to the broken mast set upright and lashed on well enough to hold it for a while. I lay nearby, this time with a legitimate excuse to skip work. My body felt like it had gone through a meat grinder, and my head was even worse. I wished the still was set up, so I could at least get drunk, but that would take time. At least I still had sauerkraut.
Once everything was ready, we untied from the rocks and rigged the sails. I wondered vaguely about the pirates we kept hearing about. If they were out there, our ship would be an easy, crippled target.
It was lucky, then, that we made landfall in the homeland of the kangaroo later that day. I was still feeling under the weather, so I stayed in my bunk.
Through the porthole, I could see the harbor. Kangaroos look really weird when they’re just walking. Maybe the proper plural is just kangaroo, same with cannon. I don’t care. I failed English.
On deck, above where I lay, I heard a friendly voice approach. The ponies said hello.
“Call me Hopper,” said the voice.
I snorted. Dennis, perhaps?
“It’s real nice to meet you,” said Applejack.
“Well, I’m happy that you’re here,” said Hopper.
At least he didn’t sound like an Aussie. That would have been comically stereotypical.
“We’re going to wrestle some crocodiles!” he said.
I sighed. Stereotype activated.
“That sounds a little dangerous,” said Twilight.
“Oh wait, you aren’t here for the croc tour?” asked Hopper. “Sorry. Say, this boat looks kind of beat up. Didn’t run into any pirates, did you?”
“I’ve been meaning to ask about that,” said Twilight. “Could you tell us more about these pirates?”
“Oh, they’re a terrible scourge, they are. They sail a weatherbeaten ship, and prowl the seven seas. The crew are like demons, or so I’ve heard.”
“Go on,” said Twilight.
“They have mysterious powers. Some can levitate, some are quicker than the eye can see. Others are strong, or crafty. Still more can use magic or throw fire.”
And how is that different from our own crew? I wondered.
Hopper continued. “They say that these pirates are invincible. They can sail through cyclones with nary a hiccup. When they do sink, the ship rises back up again. They’re led by a mysterious skipper. He’s a cruel and unusual cuss, caring little for anyone but himself. He is ruthless, terrifying, and quite possibly insane.”
I started chuckling. The thought that we might have been mistaken for pirates had crossed my mind, but I dismissed it. What I thought was really funny was that we kept hearing these stories, yet no one we talked to had ever actually seen this pirates. Maybe I should get Rarity to make us a skull and crossbones flag.
“What’s that noise?” asked Hopper.
“Oh, that’s the Commodore,” said Pinkie. “He’s sick right now, so he’s below deck.”
“Hopper,” said Twilight, “Do you know how we might get an audience with the King? We have important diplomatic things to discuss.”
“Why sure,” replied the kangaroo. “In fact, come with me. I’ll get you in.”
They all trooped off the boat. That was the last I heard from them for a while, which was good. I hated to admit it, but I needed rest. The whole rising-from-the-dead thing really takes it out of you.
Author note:
Bear with me. I'm working on a few projects behind the scenes, and that's the reason I'm only uploading about 1,000 words a day for this story. Next chapter: croc wrestling