//------------------------------// // The Crystal Empire Strikes Back // Story: My Little Pony: Friendship is Absurd // by Lord Seth //------------------------------// “You know,” complained Sunset, “one of these days I’m going to figure out a way to travel back in time. Then I’ll stop myself from ever going on that Nightmare Moon adventure, so I don’t keep getting stuck on all of these missions.” “What makes you so sure this is yet another mission?” asked Gilda. “All of us getting invited to Canterlot? It’s a mission. Again. Ugh. And we never get paid for these things, either.” “What are you talking about?” said Trixie. “We totally got compensation for beating Discord.” “You think a 2-year membership in the Jelly of the Month Club is proper compensation?” “Hey,” said Trixie, “it’s the gift that keeps on giving.” “I just want to move up in the world already,” said Sunset. “Something to get me out of this rut I’m stuck in.” “‘Well,” said Flim, “we were looking for an investment on something, so if you’d be interested in ponying up the money–” “No,” said Sunset flatly. “I just hope whatever we have to do is short,” said Lightning Dust. “I really have to finish up the new Mare Do Well issue.” “You mean ‘we,’” said Trixie. “Well, I do most of the work.” “What are you talking about?! We write it together, then I draw the thing. That’s more work for me.” “Except I’m the one who came up with the character and designed her!” “I came up with the name!” “I was the one–” “Your voices are making me sick,” said Sunset wearily. “Ooh, that’s a good line,” said Trixie. “Gotta remember that for when Mare Do Well and the villain are trash-talking each other.” The train reached Canterlot at this point, and the group departed. “So, why did we all get called here for anyway?” asked Sunset. “Great question!” said Chrysalis. There was a pause. “And am I going to get an answer to my question?” asked Sunset. “Oh, right, that,” said Chrysalis idly. “There’s trouble in the Crystal Empire.” “The Crystal Empire?” asked Trixie. “Oh, just this empire up north that mystically disappeared and recently reappeared. I didn’t care about it, so I just gave it to Shining Armor and Cadance. But apparently giving someone a kingdom isn’t seen as enough to make up for kidnapping, imprisonment, and brainwashing, so they want me to send some people to help fix them up. And I thought, ‘hey, who’s expendable and, possibly with the help of some magical artifacts, has great power?’” “Us?” asked Sunset. “What? Oh, no. First I wanted to get the Power Ponies, but they didn’t work out, so you’re the ones.” “The Power Ponies are comic book characters,” said Lightning Dust. “Which is exactly why they didn’t work out,” explained Chrysalis. Sunset closed her eyes and counted to five. When she opened her eyes, she said, “Okay, so what exactly do we need to help with?” “Oh, that?” asked Chrysalis. “Enh. Didn’t really pay too much attention. Something about Celestia being back, and the Crystal Heart is involved in some way. So, anyway, have fun!” “I don’t really feel like it,” said Trixie. Chrysalis’s eyes narrowed. “What?” “It sounds dangerous, and there’s things I’d rather do. I’m sure others agree on this.” Some of the others nodded agreement. “Okay, then,” said Chrysalis. She turned to a nearby guard. “Go declare war on the bunnies.” The guard ran off. “Uh, what was the point of that?” asked Sunset. “Oh, easy,” said Chrysalis. “As we are now in a state of war, I can reinstitute the draft. All seven of you are now drafted in the Equestrian military. Congratulations!” She saluted them. “Your orders are to head out to the Crystal Empire to help them out.” They all stared at Chrysalis. “I can tell you’re so completely awestruck by the honor it is to serve in the military that you don’t have anything to say. Oh, yeah, and Sunset, you have to defeat Celestia by yourself. That’s a test for you.” “Wait, what?” asked Sunset. “How am I supposed to do that?” “Enh, just screwing with you.” Sunset stared. “What.” “Well, it would’ve been funnier to mention that only after you came back and you went through an inner turmoil about how to go about it, but that might put the whole thing in jeopardy for no reason. Anyway, like I said, you guys go have fun at the Crystal Empire. We’ll transport the Elements there separately.” “You know, I think I liked it more when we didn’t understand what our ruler was saying,” said Gilda as they left to board the train. “I mean, at least Sombra wasn’t a troll.” “Pranking is apparently a really popular hobby among changelings,” said Lightning Dust. “Kinda learned that during the time we spent with them.” “Why did you do that, anyway?” asked Gilda. “Oh, Trixie and I weren’t able to figure out what to do in regards to a sidekick for Mare Do Well, but then it suddenly hit me: Changeling! That comes with its own set of powers, plus it’d tap into the new changeling demographic. But they wouldn’t go for it if it was an unflattering portrayal, so I figured we should spend some time in their society to get a feel for them.” Gilda raised an eyebrow in surprise. “That’s… surprisingly complicated thinking for you.” “You know what I think would be really funny?” asked Trixie. “If it turned out one of us was a changeling all along. Because now would be the time to reveal that!” There was a pause. “Okay, guess none of us are changelings. Anyway, anyone feel like going AWOL?” “Are you kidding?” asked Sunset. “I’m in the army now. I’m sure not going to desert.” “Because you have so much loyalty to Equestria?” “No,” said Sunset, “because the army has a great dental plan.” “Ooh, we should take advantage of that when we get back,” said Flim. “I’ve always wanted a golden tooth or two. Or three. Or four. Or, heck, one for each tooth.” “Why would you want that many golden teeth?” asked Suri. “What’s wrong with your current teeth?” “Oh, absolutely nothing. I’d just get the golden teeth, but instead of putting them in my mouth, sell them for profit.” “Ugh,” groaned Sunset. “Let’s just go.” One train ride later… “So, this is the Crystal Empire, eh?” asked Trixie. “I’m not seeing the crystal.” “That’s because we’re not quite there yet,” explained Sunset. “We have to walk through a bunch of snow to get there. You can see it in the distance, though.” “Why in the world couldn’t the train take us straight there?” “Budget cuts, apparently,” said Sunset with a shrug. “Let’s just get over there already.” The group started walking towards the empire. After walking for a few minutes, however, a multi-colored tornado suddenly overtook the group. “What in the–” started Suri. Suri, however, was interrupted by said tornado abruptly turning into a large white alicorn with flowing multi-colored hair. Not sure what to say, she just asked, “Uh, who are you?” Just then, an invisible orchestra started up. “Oh, great, this again,” Sunset muttered to herself as she observed the aforementioned alicorn break into a song and dance routine: ”Oh, I am Celestia, I always get along! Each day I do a little dance and sing a little song! If you ever disagree, it means that you are WRONG! Oh, I am Celestia, I always get along!” Sunset stared and said the only thing that came to mind. “What.” “I’ll admit it,” said Celestia in a cheerful tone. “That was extremely derivative of the Buddy Bears song. But if there was ever a thing to be derivative of, it would be the Buddy Bears!” “The who?” “Not the who, the Buddy Bears! In my lengthy exiling, they were my only source for comfort! And I have taken their lessons to heart!” “Um, well,” said Gilda, “that all seems very interesting. But we are sort of on our way to somewhere.” “Oh, really?” asked Celestia. “Oh, go ahead then. I wouldn’t want to keep anypony from going where they want to.” She dashed off. “That was interesting,” said Flam neutrally. Soon afterwards, the group reached the Crystal Empire, which was protected by a large shield. “Wonder what the big shield is for,” said Lightning Dust. “Celestia, I guess?” “Probably, but she didn’t seem exactly threatening when we met her,” said Gilda. The group entered the throne room and were greeted by Shining Armor and Cadance. “Greetings!” Shining Armor said. “It’s nice to see you when I’m not in a brainwashed state.” Sunset looked around the throne room. Why couldn’t I get one of these stupid things? she wondered to herself. “Well, we’re here to help you with… whatever it was.” “You weren’t told?” asked Shining Armor. “Chrysalis was less than specific.” Shining Armor rolled his eyes. “Of course she wasn’t. Anyway, you know how Celestia used to be the one in charge of Equestria until Sombra deposed her. Do you know why that happened, though?” “Actually,” said Sunset, “no. That part never got covered.” “Well, the short version of it is that Celestia became a bit too obsessed with everypony getting along, to the point that she tried to harness the power of the Crystal Heart to effectively force everypony into that. She was thwarted, though, by Sombra, who banished her. I don’t really know the details of the banishment, but she seems to have broken free and is now after the Crystal Heart again to carry out the plan.” “So far, we’ve been able to keep her at bay with this shield,” said Cadance. “But it’s really exhausting, so I haven’t been able to do much of anything else, like eat or sleep.” “Celestia, huh?” asked Gilda. “That’s that weird alicorn we met on the way here.” “You met Celestia?” asked Shining Armor. “Yeah,” said Gilda. “Was a very surreal experience. She sang a dumb song about getting along, then left after we said we were on our way somewhere. Didn’t really come across as particularly threatening. Incidentally, do you know who the Buddy Bears are?” “The who?” “Celestia said something about meeting something called the ‘Buddy Bears’ during her exile.” Shining Armor shrugged. “Probably some hallucination she had during the exile. She apparently wasn’t that stable even before that.” “Probably,” said Suri. “But anyway, fine, Celestia is back. What do you need us for?” “Well, we can’t keep the shield up for that much longer, and when it goes, Celestia can get in. We do have some powerful weapons, but she strikes me as smarter than Nightmare Moon was, and thus she’s more likely to be able to dodge them. What we need to do is find the Crystal Heart so we can use its power to negate her own. Problem is, we have no idea where it could be.” “We can’t just use the Elements?” asked Flim. “Seems like it would save us a lot of time.” “You’d have to find her and pin her down long enough to use them,” said Shining Armor. “You should take them just in case, but it’s possible there won’t be an opportunity to use them.” “Fine,” said Sunset. “But why can’t you find the Crystal Heart on your own? What do you need us for? “Well, Cadance and I have been spending most of our time trying to keep the shield up, so we haven’t had much of a chance to do research on exactly where the Crystal Heart is. We need you guys to figure that out.” “Research?” asked Lightning Dust. “Boring. Can’t we do something more exciting?” Shining Armor shrugged. “You could go out and try to defeat Celestia by yourself.” “Research is fine!” said Lightning Dust. The seven arrived in a giant library. “This is certainly rather large,” observed Trixie. “I guess we just look under C for ‘Crystal Heart,’” said Sunset. “Why did we all come here, anyway?” asked Flam. “Doesn’t only one of us need to be here to look it up? The rest of us could do something like, oh, selling stuff.” “Fine,” said Sunset. “I’ll probably be faster without you guys bothering me anyway.” A brief bit of searching later, she found ‘Crystal Heart: A Reference Guide.’ “Let’s see,” she said as she skimmed through it, “by having a Crystal Faire with the crystal ponies, the Crystal Heart can be powered.” She closed the book. “Well, I guess that’s useful. But it still doesn’t say where the stupid thing is.” Some quick exposition later… “So,” said Gilda, “still no closer to finding the Crystal Heart.” “Well, we know how to power the thing up,” said Sunset. “We get that Crystal Faire thing going.” “So,” said Gilda, “still no closer to finding the Crystal Heart.” Sunset sighed. “Look, if we do this Crystal Faire thing, it’ll maybe make the Crystal Heart appear because it powers it. Unless anypony has a better idea, we might as well try.” “Fine,” said Gilda, “so we need this fair or whatever. How do we do it?” “Apparently, we have to raise the morale of the crystal ponies,” said Sunset. “Hrm,” said Gilda, “not sure we’re really one to tell other people to be nice.” “Not moral, morale.” “Fine, whatever,” said Gilda. “How do we go about doing that?” “I’ve got an idea!” declared Lightning Dust before zipping off. A few seconds later, she zipped back in while wearing the Mare Do Well costume. “The Mysterious Mare Do Well shall make them feel good! And give increased exposure to the brand while doing so! I’m so glad I brought along this costume, just in case.” “I’ll help!” said Trixie. “We’ll sell ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Cider!’ at a discount,” said Flim. “Nothing makes someone happy like getting overly drunk! And it’ll give us more exposure.” “This seems like a good opportunity to get rid of those super-bright outfits I made that nopony’s been buying because ‘goth’ is apparently in now back in Equestria proper,” said Suri. “Sure,” said Gilda, “I’ll also join in by doing something that’ll make them feel better but also benefits my own interests.” “I guess in the meantime,” said Sunset, “I’ll keep searching to see if I can find the Crystal Heart somewhere.” “I feel like this is a great opportunity for a song!” said Flam. Everyone but Flim glared at him. “Or, er, maybe not.” “Maybe asking the locals could help,” muttered Sunset. She turned to a nearby crystal pony. “Do you know where the Crystal Heart might be?” “Oh, sure,” said the pony. “It’s somewhere in the castle.” Sunset stared in disbelief as the pony walked off. “Really? All we had to do was ask somepony?” “Sometimes the simplest solution is in fact the best!” said Trixie. “What, did you pull that out of some kind of ‘wise-sounding but ultimately useless sayings’ book?” asked Sunset as she rolled her eyes. “Um, maybe,” said Trixie. “Whatever,” said Sunset. “I guess I’ll look in the castle. Anypony else want to join?” “Um…” “Well…” “We were going to do this thing for the faire, as we said…” Sunset sighed. “Of course.” “Oh, what the heck,” said Gilda. “I’ll help. I was having trouble thinking of something that would both simultaneously entertain them and further my own interests anyway.” “So do you have any idea what we should be actually looking for?” asked Gilda. “Not really,” admitted Sunset. “I hope you figure out something, because this castle is awfully big. It’d take forever to search the whole thing.” “There’s got to be a clue somewhere around here,” muttered Sunset. Gilda pointed to a sign saying “For the dryer ones took that dull heart in can.” “What does that mean?” asked Sunset. “It’s an anagram for ‘To Find A Crystal Heart, Look Under The Throne.’” Sunset stared at Gilda. “How did you figure that out?” “Enh, I do these things sometimes. I’m fast at them.” “No. No way. I’m not accepting that. You couldn’t have possibly done it that quickly. How did you really do it?” “Well, okay,” said Gilda. “Truth is, I saw that when we were here earlier, and I eventually figured it out. Just thought I’d look really cool if I waited until now to reveal it.” “Fine. So I guess we look under the throne?” “That is what I would expect when the clue is ‘look under the throne,’” said Gilda dryly. “I thought stating the obvious was Trixie’s shtick?” “Oh, shut up,” said Sunset as she went over to look. After a brief attempt to move the throne failed, she asked, “Any ideas?” “Oh, easy,” said Gilda. “One moment.” She ran off. “Why do I have the feeling this is going to be painful?” Sunset asked herself. Gilda came in holding a weapon of some kind. “You might want to stand back,” she said. “The rocket launcher can do some collateral damage.” “The what?” asked Sunset as she stood back. Gilda fired at the throne with the rocket, which hit said throne and destroyed it. Once the smoke cleared, a hidden passage was seen. “I really hope they don’t expect us to pay for that,” said Sunset. “Enh,” said Gilda. “I’m sure they have insurance.” “And if they don’t?” “Then this will be a valuable lesson as to why they should have insurance,” answered Gilda. “Now, are we going down in there or not?” Sunset looked down at a long and winding staircase whose end could not be glimpsed. “I guess we have to go down there. Looks like a long drop if we fall; why isn’t there a hand rail on this thing? Anyway, watch your step.” “You forget I can fly,” said Gilda. “Oh yeah, good point. Fly me down there?” “Demand, demand, demand,” said Gilda, but she grabbed Sunset and deposited her on the bottom. Once there, Sunset noticed a door. “Guess we have to open this,” she said. She went up to the door and tried opening it to no avail. “Can you try using that rocket launcher of yours on this?” “Sorry,” said Gilda. “They’re kind of a one-time use, and I didn’t have enough room for more. I can only store so much in my case, and I didn’t want to give up any of my healing items.” “Healing items?” “What, you don’t carry some of those around?” “I didn’t even know they existed!” “Huh,” said Gilda. “You can often just find them randomly lying around. Anyway. How do we get this door open?” “Maybe it needs magic,” muttered Sunset. Her horn flared and she blasted the door, which promptly opened. “Well, that was easy. I would’ve expected there to be more safeguards so far. I mean, a door you just have to use magic on?” Gilda pointed to a sign that had “Protective Trap Out Of Order. To Intruders: Please Think Of Your Worst Fear Until It Is Fixed” written on it. “Who put up these signs anyway?” asked Sunset. “Who cares? Let’s just go,” said Gilda. The two went through the door and found themselves on the outside of a tower that had a staircase leading upward around it. “So, wait,” said Gilda. “We had to go down a staircase, then immediately up another? Why not just have the secret passageway go up to begin with? Who designed this stupid thing?” “No idea,” said Sunset. “But can you fly me up?” “Ugh, fine,” said Gilda. “You need to get wings one of these days, though.” Sunset rolled her eyes. “Well, I’m sorry I wasn’t born a pegasus! I’ll try to do better in that department!” “Good!” said Gilda. She grabbed Sunset and flew her to the top of the tower. When they reached the top room, they found the Crystal Heart. “Okay, so it was here the whole time? Under no real guard?” “Well, there was that trap that was out of order.” “Yeah, but even counting that, you didn’t have to go through it! You could’ve just gone straight up into this tower from outside!” “Look, whatever,” said Sunset. “We found the stupid thing, now let’s grab it and bring it back to Shining Armor and Cadance.” “Hey,” said Gilda. “I am not going to fly this and you down simultaneously. Either you’re carrying this, or I’m making two trips.” Sunset looked outside. “Hey, is it just me, or does the shield look a little weaker?” Just then, the shield vanished. “Well,” said Gilda, “that’s concerning.” “We gotta get the Crystal Heart to the Crystal Faire!” said Sunset. “That’s the only way to stop Celestia.” She gave the Crystal Heart to Gilda. “You can fly; take it there!” Gilda took off with the Crystal Heart while Sunset walked down the stairs. “Hooray!” declared Trixie. “The faire is doing well! Or at least our comic book sales are!” “Uh, guys?” asked Suri. “I think the shield just fell.” “Oh,” said Trixie. “That’s not good.” “Enh, all we have to do is get the Crystal Heart to the center of the faire and everything works out fine,” said Flim. “You’re awfully confident about that.” “Oh, of course,” said Flim. “That’s Gilda right over there coming with it.” Just then, a blazing light flashed towards them. “And I think that’s Celestia,” added Flam with a frown. “Have no fear!” declared Lightning Dust in her Mare Do Well costume. “Mare Do Well is here!” She dashed at Celestia and promptly got knocked back into the ground. “Oh boy. That’s not going to help sales.” Meanwhile, Gilda was still speeding with the Crystal Heart. “Got to get there,” she muttered to herself. However, she was promptly hit by Celestia, who grabbed the Crystal Heart, then landed in the center with it. “Greetings, friends!” declared Celestia in a creepily cheerful voice. “Have no fear! Now that I have the Crystal Heart, everypony will get along perfectly! Say goodbye to all strife and fighting!” “Hooray!” said Trixie. Flim, Flam, and Suri stared at her. “What? I might as well get with the winning side.” “That’s the spirit!” said Celestia in the same creepily cheerful voice that should probably be assumed to be her regular voice unless otherwise noted. “Soon the entire world will get along!” The Crystal Heart suddenly was surrounded by an aura that expanded, soon encompassing the entire Crystal Empire. “And there we go!” Gilda and Lightning Dust, now out of the Mare Do Well outfit, landed with the others. “Did something happen?” asked Gilda. “I don’t feel any different.” “Yeah!” said one of the crystal ponies. “I still think this whole thing is a horrible idea!” A safe suddenly appeared above the head of said crystal pony and dropped, crushing him. “Ow,” he muttered. “I guess that safe wasn’t very safe, eh? Eh?” asked Trixie with a wink. Everyone stared at her. “Just trying to bring some levity to the situation,” she muttered. “Okay, what was with the safe?” asked Suri. “What, did you think you were going to be brainwashed or something?” asked Celestia. “I’m offended. The proper way to make everypony get along is to drop 16-ton safes on top of them when they disagree.” She turned in a random direction. “So remember kids, always agree with everypony else! Otherwise, a 16-ton safe might drop on you!” “Who are you talking to?” wondered Gilda. At this point, Sunset made it to the scene. “Did I miss anything?” “Celestia got the Crystal Heart and activated it. Now people who disagree get 16-ton safes dropped on top of them.” “Oh,” said Sunset. “That’s… unexpected. Hey, wait! We’re all here! Use the Elements!” The seven quickly gathered together. Like with Nightmare Moon, a large rainbow-colored helix appeared, went straight at Celestia… … and went straight through her. “Was that supposed to do something?” asked Celestia. “No effect?!” exclaimed Sunset. “Well,” said Lightning Dust, “to be fair, we’ve never actually used them on anypony before. Maybe they were defective this whole time.” She closely examined her own Element. “It does look like the warranty expired quite a while ago.” “I’m glad to see everypony is getting along!” said Celestia obliviously. “Any other ideas on what to do?” asked Sunset anxiously. Gilda stroked her chin. “Hrm. I think I may have something,” she whispered quickly. “Stall for me. Be right back! Oh, and Flim and Flam! Agree with each other on the next question I ask you!” She ran off. “Don’t we always agree anyway?” asked Flim. “Okay, stalling,” said Sunset. “Um. So, Celestia, what are your plans now that you’ve, erm, ‘given friendship’ to the Crystal Empire?” “Today, the Crystal Empire! Tomorrow, the world!” said Celestia. “That is such a cliché line,” complained Trixie. She suddenly found herself crushed by a safe. “Oh, come on. That counts as disagreement?” “My question,” said Sunset, “is how having safes fall on you doesn’t outright kill you.” “You don’t make friends by killing them!” declared Celestia. “You can’t be friends if that happens! You don’t want to do anything more extreme than causing horrible pain.” “Hey guys!” shouted Gilda as she ran back. “I’m back! And there’s a place here that sells pizza! The bad news is that I can only buy one. So,” she continued, gesturing to Flim, Flam, and Celestia, “what do you guys want as toppings?” “Tomato seems good,” said Flim. “Seems good to me as well!” said Flam. “Tomatoes?” asked Celestia. “I’d prefer regular cheese.” A safe suddenly appeared above Celestia and fell on her, crushing her to the ground and causing her to drop the Crystal Heart. Gilda quickly grabbed it. “Well,” she said, “that was easy. It really is impossible for people to agree on pizza toppings.” “Quick,” said Sunset, “put the thing on the pedestal. The hope of the crystal ponies will then rejuvenate it or something cheesy like that, and that’ll solve everything somehow.” Gilda shrugged and put the Crystal Heart on the pedestal in the center of the faire. The hope of the crystal ponies then rejuvenated it or something cheesy like that, and that solved everything somehow. Shining Armor and Cadance took the moment to arrive. In the meantime, however, Celestia managed to throw off the safe. “Oh, you think that was enough to stop me? Now I’m going to–” Celestia was cut off by several more safes popping up and falling on her, this time keeping her down. “Huh,” said Gilda. “Looks like Celestia using it reconfigured it to drop safes instead of using shields to thwart enemies, which is staying true even after I set it back to protecting the Crystal Empire.” “I’m surprised you did that rather than using the opportunity to take control yourself,” said Suri. “Meh, controlling a country is boring,” said Gilda. “Besides, the safes falling on her? That was hilarious!” “Well, I guess that wraps things up,” said Sunset. “I do wonder why the Elements didn’t affect her, though.” “Well,” said Shining Armor, “they are the Elements of Irony. Forcing friendship already seems a bit ironic, doesn’t it?” “So what do we do with Celestia now?” asked Lightning Dust, pointing to the now-unconscious alicorn. “I’m sure we’ll think of something,” said Shining Armor. “Uh, guys?” asked Trixie. “Can anypony get this safe off me? And preferably some medical attention?” “Well, guess that fulfills my debt to Shining Armor and Cadance,” said Chrysalis. “Hopefully this will make them stop whining to me.” Sunset looked around. “By the way, why this this place more bare than usual? And your throne looks a little less impressive.” “Oh,” said Chrysalis. “About that. Yeah, turns out bunnies are actually a lot more dangerous than one would think. After declaring war on them, we actually started losing and had to give them a bunch of reparations to make them stop attacking us. Kind of had to sell a bunch of stuff off to pay for it all.” “Huh,” said Sunset. “Oh yeah, speaking of which, with the war over, the draft’s done so you guys are all discharged from the military.” “Do we at least get to keep the dental plan?” asked Flim. “Actually, we had to cut that to pay off the bunnies. But don’t worry! You still get a small pension!” “Darn it, there goes my gold teeth plans,” muttered Flam. “You know what?” asked Trixie. “I’d like to think we all learned a valuable lesson from this.” “What did we learn?” asked Sunset. “Oh, we didn’t learn a darn thing. I’d just like to think we did.” “I do wonder what happened to Celestia,” said Gilda. Meanwhile… “No,” said a heavily restrained Celestia, “I don’t care. You’re not going to convince me that everypony can’t get along.” “Well,” said the guard, “I guess we have to resort to that.” “To that?” asked the other one. “That seems extreme.” “What are you talking about?” asked Celestia. “Oh, just something that should convince you—and anypony else—that there isn’t actually an inner goodness and friendliness waiting to be awakened in every pony. It actually is from an alternate universe, but still works for some reason.” “Ha! That’s impossible to convince me of!” declared Celestia. “We’ll see. Celestia, let me introduce you to something called… XBox Live.”