//------------------------------// // Maybe Its More Of A Loud Fizzle // Story: The Bandit Hunter // by Imperium Bedlam //------------------------------// "You want me to do what?!" The guards leveled their assault rifles at me as I shouted up at the bitch who was just smirking. Celestia, Princess of Equestria, goddess of the sun and all around a complete pain in my ass. She was one of three 'ponies' somehow gifted with the wings of a pegasus, the horn of a unicorn and the rack- I mean, the strength of an earth pony. Sure her sister was more ruthless, but Celestia is just so... argh! "It's a simple request Nisha, you are to head out and rid the town of Appleloosa of its newfound bandit infestation then convince them to send their supplies to Equestria before my sister can get ahold of them. I have no idea why you're so frustrated about this." She showed a bit of concern as she looked down at me, waving at her guards to put away their guns as I just facepalmed. "Finally fuckin' found a goddamn lead and she sends me out to the middle of fuck-all nowhere," I grumbled to myself while Celestia's ears perked up. Those things creeped me out so much, no matter how long I'd been here talking to someone with swiveling ears is just distracting. "What was that, Nisha?" "Nothing, your highness, just tell me how much yer gonna pay me fer this." Wasn't like I much had a choice. If I didn't take the job then she was bound to brand me some kinda criminal and I would lose a valuable source of income, gotta keep feedin' my babies somehow. Once more I mean my guns, just in case ya couldn't pick up on it. "Really Nisha, if you were just anypony then you'd quickly be branded a heretic by my nephew with the way you talk to me. As it is however, he still wants your head on his wall." She nodded to her guards and they quickly filed out of the room before two others walked in, carrying a large chest between them. "And as for your reward, I sincerely hope this would suffice." Didn't really give them time to drop the chest before I kicked it out of their furry hands. Don't think I'll get used to that either. The chest ended up toppling open and landing on the foot of one of them, his expression was pretty funny as he tried not to squeal in front of his princess. That wasn't my main focus though, more accurately I was drawn to the large piece of equipment that toppled out of the chest. My mouth was practically waterin' as I looked over it. I knelt down beside it as my hands hovered over the frame of the weapon before quickly grabbing it and stuffing it into my inventory along with the rockets that'd fallen out with it. Took me a while, after checkin' out it stats, before I finally looked back at the smug Alicorn. "How-?" "I managed to put in a special order with the Steelers a few months ago. I certainly hope that this means you'll be taking the job?" There it is, that smile she always wore when she knew she'd won, just a few degrees off from the usual smile she wore around any of her subjects. "But I heard they weren't gonna sell anyone a Launcher since th-" She raised her palm to cut me off before explaining. "As I said, special orders. And as I've told you before, I am contractually unable to tell you anything about them, so will you be taking the job or not, Nisha?" Getting a mite impatient aren't we Celly-belly? Not like I get much of a choice anyway, heartless bitch. Okay then, plan A is go along to this stupid town out in the boondocks and shoot up a few guys before comin' all the way back and searching through Ponyville to find out who's missing a shipment of guns. Plan B is... make a run for it I guess? Well I'm obviously too psyched about trying out my new gun to come up with a reasonable plan of action. "Fiiiiiinnneeee, can ya at least give me the name of the guy in charge this time so I don't have to go 'round asking everyone before I put a bullet in them." She smiled and nodded before making her way back up to her throne, the two guards who'd brought in the Launcher making their way back outside while her other guards returned and took up their positions. "He's a brash Earth pony colt who goes by the name of Fisto-" a few of the guards tried to hold back their snickers, "and as I said earlier, he has taken over a small town called Appleloosa. He and his Finger Men-" one of the guards chuckled before hastily covering his mouth, "are forcing the residents to hand over all their products, mostly consisting of apples. Lots and lots of apples." The princess shivered before continuing on. "To restate, your mission is to clear out the bandits and convince the residents of Appleloosa to sell their goods on Equestrian soil. Am I understood?" Meanwhile I had been covering my own mouth, trying not to laugh for most of the time until I noticed Celestia had finished talking. I quickly removed my hand and mock saluted, trying not to smirk too hard. "Aye aye ma'am. Ah'll make sure ta break a few Fingers." Another chuckle from one of the guards who got quickly silenced by a jab in the ribs from his co-worker, gotta love how professional they're trying to be, almost kinda adorable. "And as per usual, you are not allowed to speak a word of this to the public. I want complete silence on the matter." Her eyebrows were really getting a workout today from all the frowning and smiling she's had to do these last few minutes. I just shrugged and made the 'lips are zipped' motion before heading out and tripping a few nobles as they passed me in the corridors. Woo boy, hopefully Fisto can at least give me something better than the usual duck hunt. If not... ehh I'll just castrate 'im, that usually shuts 'em right up. One of the guards standing in the throne room, one of the few not really amused at the mention of Fisto, decided to voice his concern to Celestia. He awkwardly raised his hand, somehow feeling like a young school-colt again in her presence. "Um, excuse me your highness?" She gave him a calm motherly smile, following with a casual and almost friendly "Yes? What is it Lead Shot?" He almost grew weak at the knees from her attention, if it weren't for the years of training and months of service at her majesties side then he'd easily be fawning over her mere presence. "I don't mean to be rude, your highness, but what are we to do about... that?" He gestured over to the large hole in the wall, the remnants of what was once a ramshackle automobile used to ram and derail train carts scattered amongst the ruins of brick and mortar. A few skid marks led out into the Canterlot gardens where a few of the statues on display had been knocked over. Yet the question remained, how had Nisha gotten the vehicle up the side of the mountain? "Oh." "Look Nisha, you know the rules as well as I so stop your complaining!" He stomped his hoof while I just hung my head. It was really hard comprehending their anatomy sometimes, how do ya even evolve to have hooves for hind legs yet stand bipedally and even have hands. Didn't really matter I suppose so long as their brain is where I expect it. I rubbed at my head as I groaned, stomping my way towards the train. "Argh, fine! You better 'ave at least reserved mah seat else ah'll be takin' back every little bit of that ten percent increased train fare ah keep givin' ya!" The new cart's doors were soundproofed apparently, couldn't even hear him yell at me about how I had yet to pay the aforementioned fees. Well, would ya look at that! Oooh that genius little prick! I would kiss him if he weren't half horse, though I may as well consider it after this. That lovable train driver went so far as to have my name stitched into the chair. Sure the warning labels on the doors were a tad stand-offish but they could be ignored if I had this comfortable lug all to myself! Hey, they might even keep any other passengers from disturbing me while I sleep. My well deserved and much needed rest was foiled when a pony wearing the most obvious 'I'm incredibly suspicious and probably a molester' outfit stepped through one of the doors. Didn't even have time to yell at him as the train started off and pushed me into my embroidered seat. I just grumbled as the pony sat across from me, his stupid ears twitching slightly as the train whistled to show it had begun a new voyage. "Look, are ya really gonna keep wearing that? Ah mean, it doesn't even cover your face very well and ah'm pretty sure those sunglasses weren't designed to hide bat pony eyes." Oof! "Stupid bloody bat! Get offa me!" I was kicking at the bat currently trying to hug at my midsection with my boot on his cheek. That perverted grin of his was clearly visible as the hat and sunglasses were knocked off his head to show his slightly glowing, slitted eyes. "Nishaa~ I haven't seen you in so long! Why don't you give brother Nightshade a hug, my little Nisha~" That sent a shiver up my spine so I promptly kicked him back into his chair. He let out a creepy giggle as he took off his cloak, revealing the uniform he'd worn underneath with his cutie mark emblazoned on the front. "You never were one to show affection, were you Nisha. Don't worry, papa Nightshade still loves you, dear." I unholstered my Eagle and pointed it right at his grinning, perverted little sack of shit face. "What do you want Shade? Cause as far as ah can see it the longer ah gotta be near ya the longer ah gotta hear about your sick little daughter fetish, so spill before ah chuck you out the window." "Uwaa, alright! I'll behave! I'll behave!" I put away my gun as he coughed before composing himself, taking on a much more serious posture from the fool he was earlier. "I come with another job offer from you-know-who." After sitting there looking confused for a while he sighed and reiterated. "I mean Nightmare Moon. Come on, I'm just trying to come up with a cool nickname for her, 'The Nightmare' gets so boring after you hear it at every single tavern you visit." "Right, well maybe ya should start off with somethin' a bit more creative. Ahm pretty sure that's already been used in some kinda major book series somewhere. Also, ah thought ah told ya ah wasn't gonna take any more jobs from the Queen of Stereo-Goth after the one that was literally 'head into this place full relatives of ponies you've killed and come back alive'." Shade huffed before shifting in his pedo-cloak a bit and trying to look sorry. "A job you happily agreed to once we told you the reward." He held up a finger to shush me before I could even get a chance to talk. "And yes, I know I forgot to warn you about the bomb, but that was my bad, not hers. So could you please at least listen to what I have to say, for old time's sake?" Somehow these ponies had mastered the art of puppy dog faces, probably due to their anime sized eyes. For bat ponies over the age of ten it was more... twisted. "Right, ah'll do it. Just stop yer pouting before ah throw up." He smiled before clearing his throat and handing me an envelope. "Your mission is to eliminate this target, word is that she's holed up in Appleloosa working for some schmuck going by the name of Fisto. And as ridiculous as that sounds, no I'm not lying." Oooh this was turning out to be a convenient day so let's have a peek... Eh, I guess she has her looks going for her. Probably. I'm not a very good judge of equine attractiveness. "Well ya got yerself a deal Shade, ah was jus' headed there anyway so this'll be a cinch." I idly opened up my ECHO and flicked over to the inventory screen, looking through what weapon would be most appropriate, really sucked that I only had one weapon slot available but if ah can keep hold of about fifty things at once then who am I to complain? "Anything else ya gotta tell me before ah throw you out of the window?" "Only that we have very little information on her, other than she's a big spy working under Celestia. Kill her off and she loses almost all of the information for that area. That and she has some kind of family member with her. And Nisha, I thought I told you to cut it out with the jokes after that nasty prank you played on Moon Glimmer~" Ah, back to pervert mode I see. Calmly, I closed my ECHO device and leaned over to hug Nightshade tightly, planting a kiss on his lips that probably would've reduced most city ponies to a twitching mess, considering how sheltered they are. Even with his training Nightshade was no exception to this due to personal affection probably, getting a creepy grin on his face and blushing almost non-stop, even as I shifted him so that I only held him by the back of his coat and uniform. "Well it was a good time seeing ya again Nightshade, ah really do hope we never meet again." His expression didn't change and I made sure to keep my eyes away from his, eh, lower parts as I pulled him back before slamming his face into the window. Unfortunately it didn't break as I hoped, didn't even crack. Looks like Timer decided to get some stronger windows for this carriage. Must've been pretty expensive. While this was a great bit of news to me since I now had some added safety, Shade didn't fare so well with his newly broken muzzle. "Ah, sorry about that bud, ya can take it offa mah reward after ah get done alright?" Even unconscious, he still managed that creepy grin. Having that plan foiled I decided to open the window this time, then throw him out of the train. This tactic proved much more successful so ah made sure to keep a note of it for about two seconds before I was now free to enjoy the comfort of my new chair. A harried opening and slamming of the carriage door, accompanied with the no longer muffled sound of the tracks as the train drove over the rails had decided today was going to be an annoying, but still lucky, day. "Is everypony in here okay! My friends and I saw somepony rolling outside the train and it looked like they had been thrown out!" Darn Nightshade, even in death he annoys me to no end. I gave the purple unicorn a dismissive wave, ignoring the two pairs of eyes behind her as I looked over the back of my seat. "Don't worry about it sugar, was jus' dealin' with a molester. Y'all can head on back to yer own cart now. Shoo shoo." The pony was apparently easily annoyed, immediately looking around for some excuse to disprove my claim before noticing somethin' pretty obvious. "Where is everypony? Why is it that you get a carriage to yourself?" Oh wow she was going to be a headache wasn't she? Quick brain, think of something that won't stain the new carriage... That'll work ah suppose. "None of yer business missy, so why don't ya go an' head on back to your cart and ah'll stay in here. Sound like a plan?" One of the ponies with her gasped and stuck her head over her friend's shoulders, the pink almost blinding as it contrasted with the mostly dull cart. "Don't you have any friends to travel with!?" She'd somehow managed to zoom into the seat across from me where poor old Nightshade had been just moments ago, maker rest his soul. "I mean travelling in such a big cart all by yourself must get pretty lonely right? Right? are you on some kind of super secret super hero mission that forces you to abandon the ones you love in order to protect them?! Oh no! But if that's true then you must get really lonely on long trips which isn't very fun at all! Oh I know! How about my friends and I all come in here and we can be temporary friends so that we don't get in the way of your super secret superhero things!" ...Wow that sure was a mouthful. How did she manage to do all that in one breath? Maybe she can do that breathing technique that lets you breathe while you talk or something? And what was that she said about crashing my- "Oh no you don't, you and yer friends can get and leave me to my lonesome alright?" I was pushing the preposterously pink presence's plump plot towards the exit only for her to zip past me with her friends, dazed and confused as they were, now sitting on the seats behind me. "Oh fer the love of all that is sacred, at least get yer rump outta mah chair!"