//------------------------------//
// The Young Descendant of Tepes 
// Story: Fairy Tale Breakdown 
// by Irritus185 
//------------------------------//

"Fantastic... your aetheric density is much greater than what I'd assume for one with such a oscillating transdisc coefficient."

Poke.

"And the spread of your copperic resonance between particle and wave is so out of sync compared to anything I've seen before…"

Poke.

"Is it because the transfer between dimensional fluxes rearranged your presomatic origins, or maybe it's because of your falling quanta-gamma rays?"

Po~ke.

"Why, even your eretic post-tachyons are swirling in a pattern that-"

Pooo-

"Would you stop that!" I snapped, smacking the floating stick to the side. My hand had the slight sensation of pins-and-needles from coming into contact with the magic, and I absently checked my palm to check that no blue glitter had been left behind. After making sure I hadn't been Siegfried-and-Roy'd, I turn my glare on the... 'person' who'd been poking me with glee and spouting off technobabble that would impress a Trekkie.

Star Swirl, aka Merlin-Pony, was furiously scribbling in a thick journal. He only seemed to notice something was amiss when he realized his Poking Stick (yes, it had capitals) was no longer poking something and instead just jabbing at thin air. He looked almost scandalized at the notion.

"Why did you stop? There is so much more I can learn!"

"Because I'm getting tired of sitting in the same place while you have a geek-out." Do that in the privacy of your own home, will ya? ...Never mind the fact that I'm the one who crashed into it. "Plus, I think your stick's giving me a bruise."

"But... but the data..." Gah! Pony eyes! Even on a stallion! Still, stay strong!

"Star Swirl, if you poke me with that stick one more time, I'm gonna bean you over the head with it."

"Oh, very well," he snorted despondently. He deposited the Poking Stick on his work table and opened up his journal to a new page. "I suppose if I can't retrieve any more empirical data then anecdotal will have to do. Now then..." He dipped his quill and put it to the parchment. "How exactly did you find yourself in our dimension?"

"Really?" I scoffed. "The only reason you're asking the alien how he got here is because you can't poke him anymore?" The mini-horse had a disturbing similarity to the government agents that dissected extraterrestrials in sci-fi stories.

"Verbal evidence," he waved aside, "even first hand, cannot compare to the exact aetheric and Neightonian values granted by extensive and meticulous poking of a subject, but this will do for now. Tell me, do you feel anything right now? Dizziness? Nausea? Existential dread?"

"I'm talking to a pony that belongs in my niece's favorite cartoon show. How do you think I feel?"

"Fascinating...!" The floating quill zoomed across the parchment. "So you say you have documentations of our world? Amazing! When did you learn to breach the transdimensional veil? Have you solved the energy disparity caused by mobius-loop transduction? Why, your understanding of magic must be tiers above our own!"

"Merlin-Pon - Star Swirl, stop!" He glanced up at me impatiently. "You're not real," I said.

"Well, I would hope that I'm real," he whinnied. "If I wasn't it would be a great blow to magical academia."

"No, I mean, that's not what I- I mean, you're not real, you're a... a cartoon." His annoyed look melted into one of confusion. "A cartoon, a... an animated drawing. You, your entire world, you're entertainment for children back home, made-up stories to teach life lessons." Well, them and twenty-to-thirty-somethings or whatever. It was a cute, well-made show, granted, but its popularity had spread in a very strange lateral fashion.

"Curiouser and curiouser," he mumbled. "If that is true, then how did you find your way here? It's rather odd to enter a place that's mere fantasy in the former."

"Well, I was at this... festival, and this creepy merchant sold me a really nice book, but then the book started glowing and I blacked out, and then here I was... crashing through your wall."

Wow, now that I'd actually said it out loud... it sounded a lot crazier than I'd first thought.

"Interesting..." Star Swirl stroked his beard. "May I see this book?"

I didn't like that look in his eyes. Clutching the fanbook to my chest, I hissed out, "Hands, er, hooves off, buddy. Nobody touches my books but me." I'll bite yer fetlocks off, I swear it!

His ears drooped. "I was only going to poke it..." he pouted in disappointment.

My eyebrow rose on its own accord. "You're taking it pretty easy despite me claiming you're a creation for ten-year-olds. Most people I know would take offense to that... often with face-punching involved."

Yeah, I had some pretty rowdy friends despite being an unsocial bookworm.

"My dear alien, I am a magus." He stomped his hoof. "We don't let silly things like pride or violence or supposedly 'necessary' bodily functions get in the way of the progression of magic. Given the infinite, myriad possibilities, I wouldn't be surprised if our existence leaked in to yours in the forms of ballads and epics. Nay, I expect it!"

I chuckled despite myself. "How do you stay so confident? An unknown, possibly dangerous alien being blows up your home, and you treat it as the greatest thing since the invention of the printing press."

"What is a... printing press?"

Oh dear. I hope his little pony brain didn't burst and leak out his ears when I explained mass-production of literature.

"Never mind, I'll find out later." Star Swirl cleared his throat. "I am excited because, as dimensional study is my forte and raison d'être, finding physical validation of my research and theories is something I could only dream of replicating!"

"Who are you?" I asked in distant amusement. I had no idea what I'd gotten into, but I had the feeling it was something both wonderful and incredibly annoying. "I mean, I remember some footnotes about you as Star Swirl the Bearded, the greatest unicorn wizard of the Classical era, but who are you... really?"

"The 'greatest unicorn wizard ever' sounds about right, but ‘the bearded’ part is new. Although... mine is rather splendid..." Star Swirl mumbled to himself, tapping his chin with his hoof. He nodded resolutely. "Very well then, allow me to introduce myself properly."

With a twist of his neck, he spun the cloak around so that it also covered his chest, a foreleg held up to his heart. The stars and moon on it shimmered and flowed across its surface, almost as if they were alive. The room darkened, the azure glow of magic faintly sparkling. His voice increased to a boom.

"I am Star Swirl the Bearded: high archmage of the ninth order circle, shifter of celestial bodies, Adjunct Unicorn Chancellor of the Pony Triumvirate, creator of one thousand and one spells, rituals, and cantrips, Co-President of the Equestrian Book Society, dashing stallion of every mares' dreams, and owner of the most glorious facial fur since Squiggly the Curly-Haired! Witness, bask, and weep in my awesome presence!"

There was the sound of dying party favors. Streamers of pure magic littered the room, Star Swirl's hat and cloak, and my shoulders. As I brushed them off, his grin only got wider and more satisfied, like he'd done something truly grand.

He gave a short dip. "And you...?"

I looked at his outstretched hoof. It was the most darling invitation to madness ever.

...oh, what the heck.

"Nice to meet you, Star Swirl. The name's..."

Poke.

"Damn it, Star Swirl! I warned you!"





I looked around the parlor. Twilight Velvet had gladly invited me inside after I confirmed my identity, a bounce in her step that belonged to a filly half her age as she guided me to a cushioned seat that actually fit my larger frame. I guessed they'd entertained non-ponies before, as there was actually enough back support that I didn't have to worry about falling over backwards.

Just like the way it looked from the outside, the inside of the house had a homely and welcoming feel to it. There was a fireplace that had been recently doused taking up the majority of a wall, and several bookshelves taking up opposing ones. Several of the books had been penned by Velvet under her official name, while a few of the racier novels she'd written were hidden underneath false covers. A few dissertations with Twilight Sparkle's name scribbled in meticulous hoofwriting were carefully tucked into the corner.

There were several plaques of commendation on the last free wall. They were split between Night Light, Velvet's husband, for performing above and beyond duty for the city of Canterlot's local militia, and Shining Armor for reaching head captain status of the royal guard. Obviously, military blood ran on the paternal side of the family and a love for knowledge ran on the maternal end.

That same military rigor was putting its full focus on me at the moment. I could feel Night Light's stare boring into me as I overtly ignored his glance. The blue and dark blue stallion was sitting on a couch opposite me. His hair was still dripping with moisture from the 'maintenance' he'd been performing on the coldbox in the kitchen earlier. Apparently, due to Discord's shenanigans, the coldbox had decided to start eating the food it was holding instead of actually refrigerating it.

I really wanted laugh at the idea, but I was too busy trying to keep my mysterious stranger facade up. I had the feeling I wouldn't be able to do so for much longer.

The sound of Velvet humming in the kitchen as she brewed up some tea and made snacks was the only noise breaking up what was starting to become a very awkward and strained silence.

Finally not able to take anymore, Night Light cleared his throat. Not able to ignore him any longer without being extremely rude, I turned to face him and smiled genially. He pursed his lips before speaking. "So, how do you know Twilight Velvet?" he asked carefully.

His bluntness only made my smile widen. "I'm an old family friend."

"Really?" His suspicion was palpable. "I'm pretty good friends with her family, and I've never heard of you."

"I'm not surprised," I replied smoothly. "I'm closer to her mother's side than her father's who I don't think I've ever met. And the last time I really talked to her was years before your two met. Or least I would assume so," I raised my voice, a slight scolding tone to it. "Otherwise I would be very disappointed that a certain little filly didn't tell me about her special somepony."

"Oh, Teller, don't tease me," Velvet said with a pout. She trotted into the parlor, carrying a serving tray with a pot of fresh tea and a small plate of cookies on it in her magical aura. "If I'd known, of course I would have told you about Nighty." She placed the tray on the table near the furniture and took a seat next to her husband.

"I shouldn't be surprised," I sighed dramatically. "When little fillies grow up they no longer have need for their childhood companions. I guess silly ol' Teller'll just have to get used to it, living a life of being used and thrown away."

Velvet giggled good-naturedly. "You're just like mother told me you'd be." She sighed fondly. "Just like I'd imagined you'd be after hearing all of her bedtime stories."

"Oh?" I cocked an eyebrow. "Have I become an oral tradition in your family? I'm flattered."

She smiled and raised a hoof in the air, taking a lecturing posture. "Since as far back as I remember, my mother and her mother and her mother before her always regaled their children with tales of the infamous Booker: scourge of the library, stealer of legendary tomes, dastardly keeper of forbidden knowledge, and plaything of cute fillies everywhere."

"I resent that last remark," I grumbled petulantly. It wasn't as if I was denying it; I always was beholden to every female of that mare's lineage. It was the only reason I took each new and silly moniker bestowed upon me with such good graces. She always was strong-willed and quite clever to boot - it was more than anything I could fight against.

Velvet smiled knowingly at my expression and clopped her hooves together in delight. "Hee, the legends are true! You really are a pushover." As if suddenly realizing, she gasped. "Ah! How rude of me. Please, have some tea before it gets cold." She poured me a cup before lifting it up. "I'm sorry there's no sugar," she apologized. "When all this craziness started, the sugar pot grew wings and flew out the window. Would you still like some cream, though?"

"Yes, please." She poured a bit into the cup, stirring it with a fine silver spoon before floating it over to me. "Don't worry about the sugar," I said. "I brought my own."

I took a shallow breath. "Two sugar cubes."

Again, my tongue tingled. With two plops, two small objects fell into my teacup. I grimaced when they floated to the surface. Fishing one out, I examined it.

It was definitely a sugar cube - a perfectly singular cubic sugar crystal. Though unless I smashed it, it wasn't about to dissolve in the tea soon enough for me to enjoy it. Stupid, finicky, semantic-argumentative powers; they had to follow the letter of the law instead of the spirit, didn't they?

...ow, I literally hurt myself with that pun, even if it was unintentional. Let's just try again, shall we?

"Two granulated sugar cubes."

Again, there were two plops in my tea, but this time they were the right type of cube that would actually sweeten my tea the proper way. I disposed of the first two by popping them into my mouth and crunching down. I perked up when I saw Night Light and Velvet staring at me - one in surprise, the other with glee.

"Something wrong?" I asked, the cubes crackling.

"It's really true!" Velvet squealed. "You do have power over words!"

"Words have always had power," I said cryptically. "I'm just able to get them to listen to me a bit more than the average pony." Huh, I was really milking the enigmatic newcomer shtick for all it wass worth. Now to totally play it cool. I pulled down my scarf from my mouth enough to take a sip of tea. The mellow flavors washed across my tongue. I sighed happily. "Your brewing skills are excellent. You must share the recipe with me when you have the time."

Nailed it.

Night Light shook himself out of his surprise and frowned slightly. "Who are you, Teller?"

"That's Booker to you, young colt," I chastened him. "Only little Velvet can call me Teller, unless you can pull off the big, sad doe eyes with that manly visage of yours - just like only your daughter is allowed to call me Mr. Wordsworth."

"Young colt..." he mirrored faintly. He gave me a flat, skeptical chuckle. "I don't know where you get off calling me a colt. You barely look like you've reached adulthood. Whatever you think, I don't believe that..." He trailed off when something I said fully registered. His eyes lit up with recognition. "Wait, you're Mr. Wordsworth? Twily's imaginary friend? But you're not actually real!"

"Oh, I'm quite real," I said in good humor. "And quite old. Much older than you, I would think."

Night Light narrowed his eyes. "I don't believe you." Skeptic ‘til the end without actual evidence, eh? Good qualities in a guard; not so much in a writer. We were a free and flighty bunch.

"All right, quiz time!" I munched on a cookie, internally delighting at the taste. Oh, it was so good to snack on something after so long! "How old do you think I am? Be careful, it's a bit of a trick question!" I grinned crookedly. "Besides, what makes you think you even know what's normal-looking for me? I can assure you you've never seen anything like me before."

"Honestly, when I first saw you, I thought you were a shaved minotaur with a face and horn deformity."

"I get that a lot." No, really, I did. Just... moving on... "So, your guess?" The look on my face compelled him to continue.

"Well, going off my 'shaved minotaur' theory..." He paused to give a smarmy look at my flash of consternation. "I'd have to say you're probably in your mid-to-late twenties or so. Granted, you're kind of scrawny for your size, so I might be underestimating."

"I prefer the term 'slim' or 'elven,'" I replied haughtily. I took another sip of tea. "But I would agree with you on the estimation, if it weren't for the fact that I'm a bit... different from most of my fellow man. Physically, I'm twenty-six." Night Light moved as if to celebrate his victory and superiority over the presumptuous whipper-snapper, but then I had to keep talking. "Biologically, I'm eighty-six and some change."

Night Light stopped. He seemed somewhat taken aback, but he began to build up steam again. Next to him, Velvet looked like she was privy to some elaborate, long-going joke - her eyes were sparkling capriciously, her lips pressed tightly together as if she would spoil the surprise if they were even the slightest agape.

"That only makes you about thirty years older than me," he said. "Barely enough to call me 'young.'"

"That might be true," I admitted slowly. "If it weren't for the fact that chronologically, I'm three-thousand two-hundred eighty-eight years, ten months, and four days old." I pursed my lips while briefly glancing at the ceiling. "Give or take a couple centuries. It's really hard to keep track of time when you’re occasionally buried for a few decades at a time." I swirled my tea, watching the few dregs circle around. "Not to mention records were kind of faulty time-wise during the Discordian era."

I looked back up to find Night Light gaping at me like a beached fish. I blinked innocently. "Something I said?"

Finally not able to take anymore, Velvet burst into gales of laughter, clopping her hooves. "Just like the stories say, you do have a naughty sense of humor." She shook her husband's shoulder. "Hey, hey, Nighty! Isn't he amazing? It's him! It's really him!"

"But," Night Light sputtered, "but that would make you as old as Discord! As the princesses!"

"Older than Discord, thank you very much. That pup came out way after my time. Could probably argue that even the princesses are younger." Though she would fight both tooth and fetlock about it even being implied that I was more mature than her.

"Then where have you been all this time?" he asked. I think I might have broken something given his voice had risen half-an-octave. "That was back in the Classical era! There's no record, no stories, not even a statue!"

"Technically there was," I pointed out. "But then again, I was the statue so I guess it's a moot point."

"You were a statue...?" His tone lowered as something clicked. He became calmer, more assured. No doubt old guard instincts were starting to kick back in, analyzing the situation, preparing to retaliate if the need arose. He stared at me, knowing I noticed the change in his demeanor. Clever stallions. "Just why were you a statue?"

"Nighty!" Velvet gasped, looking shocked at his accusing manner. "Teller didn't do anything to warrant an interrogation. He's a welcomed guest here!"

"He was sealed in stone, Velvet. That's not the kind of punishment your everyday criminal gets. It's only for those that were a clear threat to all of Equestria."

"Well, that or banished to Tartarus... or the moon... or the sun. Has someone been banished to the sun before? I don't recall reading anything. I imagine it wouldn't be all that pleasant - too hot and sticky, exact opposite of the moon." I paused at the blank looks on their faces. I smiled weakly. "Apologies for the interruption."

Night Light's mouth scrunched up. "You see?" he insisted to his wife. "He even admits it's a serious offense." He turned to me, muscles tensed. "So? Anything to say for yourself? In lieu of Velvet vouching for you, I'll at least give you a chance to defend yourself before dragging you off to the royal guards."

I just found it so cute that he thought he could actually force me into anything; it made me want to pinch his grumpy little cheeks. Still, given his scowling, it was probably best for me to just play along. I took another cookie. "You have every right to be cautious, Velvet's husband." He seemed torn between rankled and confused at my name for him. "For all you know, I could be some raging psychopath with a hate fetish for all ponykind. But I'll have you know that I would never let anything happen to your wife and children. Their ancestors were very precious to me... Oh, and you, too, I guess," I added. "Velvet would be upset if I let her hubby get hurt."

Night Light gave me a look. "That... doesn't answer my question."

"Let's just call it a legacy of misspent youth and leave it at that. Oh don't look at me like that!" His glare had reached Badlands-levels of lethality. "I'll have you know I had a direct hand in my sealing, and not in the 'being hoisted by my own petard' kind of manner. It was the only way to fix what I had done, so no, there's no need to worry about the circumstances of my sealing."

"If you were so willing and there was no 'trouble,' then why were you sealed for so long?" He still didn't look convinced. Once again, admirable, but inconvenient and very annoying. "Surely someone would have freed you long before now."

I shrugged. "Perhaps, if they knew what the Tartarus I'd actually done. That's the problem with unknown, foreign magic - no one knows how it works. By the time the pony who had the best chance of freeing me figured it out, well..." I choked down the remains of the cookie. "But don't worry, it's not like I'm holding a grudge! Even after being forgotten and lost, trapped as a stone statue while everyone-and-thing I'd come to know turned to dust, it's not like I'm bitter... much." I muttered the last bit underneath my breath.

No... totally not bitter.

...I'm a terrible liar.

Night Light looked like he wanted to pry further, but given the way Velvet kept jabbing him and giving him the stink eye, he got the message - stop distressing her friend or be banished to the couch for a fortnight. Ah, my little Velvet, you really were a darling filly.

Velvet glanced back at me after warning her husband and gave a sympathetic smile. "So, how did you finally get out, Teller?” she asked while pouring another cup of tea. I was faintly amused to note that it was still piping hot even after sitting out for so long.

I remembered that cantrip. Clover created it because Star Swirl would tend to ignore the tea she made him for his research binges until it was stone cold. Of course, she also abused it whenever he became completely engrossed. Never thought I'd see the 'steam-out-the-ears' visual gag in real life.

I took the cup gratefully and sipped it without adding anything. I needed the slightly bitter tinge now. "You can thank that rapscallion Discord for that. Because of his prison break, I found a little aetheric loophole."

I had to find a way to show him my gratitude. Maybe a cleaning service to scrape off the bird droppings he'd no doubt accumulate after the Elements re-stoned him.

I blinked upon realizing something. "Speaking of which, you're both taking his dreaded return fairly well. Shouldn't you be a little more, I don't know, concerned? Panicking? Rioting in the streets?"

"More concerned than with the other unsealed, ancient being drinking tea in our parlor?" Night Light asked sardonically.

Velvet shoved him playfully. Or at least playfully for her; he exhaled sharply as her fetlock founds its way between his third and fourth ribs. "We're not too worried. Princess Celestia will solve the problem before it gets too out of hand."

The cup froze on my lips. I was glad that between it and my scarf, neither Night Light nor Velvet could see the sour look flashing across my face. Almost immediately, I pushed down the roiling emotions in my gut. I was sure that if I didn't, I was going to say something I'd regret. I finished my tea in one long pull. It washed away the minute taste of bile in the back of my throat, calming me down.

Though, that was right - she had changed her name a while back, hadn't she? Shouldn't have been surprised, haughty git she was - is, rather.

"Yes, I'm sure she will." Or Twilight and company would. However, I didn't need to say that. Didn't want to send Velvet into a tizzy when she realized her only daughter was going to face off against and be mind-raped by an eldritch abomination of chaos.

...actually, scratch that cleaning service. I was going to bring a sledgehammer with me next time I visited the Royal Gardens.

"So I guess that means until things blow over we'll spend the time getting reacquainted."

Velvet's eyes began sparkling again and she gasped. "You mean I'll actually get to hear your stories firsthand?"

"Of course! As long as you tell me what's happened in your life since you last visited." 

She squealed like a schoolfilly. "Eee! I don't believe it! There's so much I want to know, so much to ask, so much to hear, I, I..." Her ears perked up and swung around. "That's right! I have that!" She slipped down to the floor. "Excuse me for a moment, there's something I have to give you! It won't take long, just stay right there! Nighty, be good, don't hurt Teller's feelings. Eee, so exciting!" With another squeal she galloped out of the room, heading into the back of the house.

I couldn't help but chuckle before seeing that Night Light was still observing me. "Hmm?" I hummed. "Still wary? What do I have to do to convince you I'm not a threat?"

"It's not that," he said. My lips curved cheekily. "Really," he softly growled. "I'd like to hope I'm a good judge of character. Comes with being a town guard for a few decades. And even if you're still sketchy as dodge, maybe you're not as dangerous as I initially assumed."

"Why, Velvet's husband! I do believe I'm beginning to grow on you!"

He ignored the obvious bait; he really was a clever colt. "The only thing I don't get is what exactly is your connection to Velvet's family, Booker?" He shook his head. "You're part of her traditions, but if you did come from before Discord's arrival, it's not like you could have known them all that well."

"Let me answer your question with another question. Tell me, what do you know of Velvet's family?"

He shrugged. "They're minor nobility, viscount I think. Didn't really pay much attention when I married into the family."

"Not a social climber, are you?"

Night Light snorted. "Do I look like one of those hoighty-toighty, upper crust nobles? I've had to break up - and been the start of - more drunken brawls than any of them have even heard of."

"Married her for her big, beautiful brain, did you?" I grinned impishly.

He returned it, albeit more coarsely. "Something like that."

"That's good." I closed my eyes until there was just the tiniest sliver of iris visible. "I'm a terrible liar. Had you been that type of stallion, I wouldn't be able to hide from Velvet where I stashed your body."

His smile became more feral. "You'd try."

Spunky. I was beginning to like him more and more.

I cleared my throat. "Moving on, do you know why she's nobility? Her lineage?"

"Pretty sure she's distantly related to one of the more famous unicorn leaders of the Classical era," he said, eyes shifting up and to the left as he tried to recall who. "Star Swirl, I think."

"Yes, well..." I chuckled. "That's how I know her family."

Night Light's eyebrows rose as he started to connect the dots. "Are you saying that...?"

"Star Swirl was the first friend I made when I arrived in this crazy, pastel land of ponies," I said. Nostalgia washed over me as memories of happier, stupider, more dangerous times surfaced. I swallowed the sad smile forming. "Little Velvet, her entire bloodline, is directly descended from him. Guess you could say I've been the family's honorary godfather since the beginning." My lips twitched. "I've got a lot of spoiling them rotten to make up for."

"Then why doesn't Velvet's family have more status? Considering how much value nobles put on who you're related to, having a famous unicorn like Star Swirl as a direct ancestor would put them much higher than where they are now."

"And you think they'd even care if they did have more prestige?" I questioned glibly.

"What do you mean?"

"Star Swirl was an antisocial eccentric who'd rather lock himself in his atelier and experiment than hob-knob with the movers and shakers of Equestrian politics. His..." I struggled to come up with a term that could accurately describe the two's relationship. "Partner was rather down to earth for a unicorn noble. In fact, had she actually been able to discard her nobility without destroying everything she'd worked to achieve, I've no doubt she would've."

My eyes searched out where Velvet had gone. I couldn't hear her but knew she was still probably looking for whatever it was she'd left to find. "From what I've seen, both of their personalities have become almost genetic traits: always headstrong, always practical, always with their nose in a book." I wrinkled my nose. "Also, always female. What's up with that?"

It was like they were genetically coded to always give birth to the most adorable fillies I had no chance resisting.

I blame my niece for conditioning me this way. Stupid pouty-face weakness...

"Uh huh," Night Light said simply.

"You don't see all that surprised," I noted amusedly.

"My daughter's the personal pupil of Princess Celestia and a national hero, my son's dating another princess, and I'm talking with somepony that lived around the founding of Equestria. Finding out the love of my life is closely related to somepony famous isn't going to shock me that much, or make me treat her any differently."

"...you're a good colt. Maybe you're just worthy enough of her."

"I'll take that as a compliment." His voice grew rougher. "And don't call me colt."

My smile widened. His glare grew. I was about to open my mouth to say something totally inflammatory and probably receive a hoof to the face in exchange but was interrupted by Velvet rushing back into the room and literally launching herself at me. I grunted in pain when her hooves dove into my stomach, but her ecstatic expression prevented me from even thinking about scolding her.

Dang it, I really was a pushover.

"Look, look! I found it, I found it!" she squealed excitedly. Her horn glowed and then there was a small but thick journal shoved into my face.

It was bound in soft rubber (because really, like a world of sapient animals would use leather binding) and the pages, while dog-eared, worn from constant use, and slightly yellowed from age and... other things, had obviously been lovingly cared for. Unbidden, tears came to my eyes.

Wordlessly, I took the journal from her aura and opened it to the first page. The entry was written in a language completely alien to Equestria, or anywhere else on this planet for that matter.

Hey, Kitty, you'll never guess where I am? Give up? It's your favorite show, MLP! When I get back, I can't wait to tell you everything. Writing it all down. You will freak once you see whose autographs I've gotten... 

There was more, but my vision had gotten too blurry to continue. Something gently dabbed at my eyes. I looked up to see Velvet hovering a handkerchief, her face motherly. Night Light was uncomfortable staring anywhere else other than me.

I gratefully took the handkerchief and wiped my eyes then blew my nose. Night Light winced at the trumpet-like call, but Velvet just watched patiently. I smiled helplessly. "Thanks," I said. "How did you...?"

"It's been in the family for generations," she said. Velvet book a hoof over my hand on the journal. "When you disappeared, my family made it a point to look after it until you returned, to give it back to its true owner." She giggled. "Never thought the story behind it was true, or that I'd be the one to complete the tale."

"What is it?" Night Light asked, his curiosity overcoming his discomfort.

"It was a gift," I said. "My first gift. A good gift... from a good friend."

It was also one of my soul books. As if sensing its purpose had been fulfilled, it turned to light and entered my grimoire. Instantly, memories flooded me, almost overwhelming me. Every story, every word I jotted down, rose to the forefront. It was going to take some time for me to sort through them all.

"Sorry," I said shakily. "That must've been a precious family heirloom."

"Don't worry," she demurred. "It was yours to begin with. Besides, we lost the ability to read it centuries ago; dialect changed so much we didn't have any point of reference to work with. So it became folktales at bedtime. Still can't believe they were all real." She leaned closer to examine it. "Was it a gift from Star Swirl?"

"Yeah, though the old goat probably meant to keep it as documentation for research material." That was the main reason I wrote it alternatively in English, Japanese, and Latin instead of Equus; I didn't need the magic-obsessed snoop reading through my personal thoughts. "Clover, though, she was a bit more romantic about it. Said it was to remind me of what I'd done... and where I came from."

"You knew Clover the Clever, too?" Night Light threw his forelegs in the air. "Of course you did! Why wouldn't you be close friends with all of the famous ponies of the Classical era?"

"You could say that..." I mumbled furtively. My good cheer returning, I turned back to Velvet, who looked at me expectantly. I knew exactly what she wanted. "So... wanna hear a story?"

The high-pitched squee (and it could only be described as such) nearly deafened me. I stuck a finger in my ear and twisted. Night Light's face was a rictus of horror, as though I'd unleashed some great, terrible beast.

"Take that as a 'yes,'" I said gingerly. "So, any one in particular? Just got a refresher on a bunch I'd nearly forgotten about."

"Tell me about when you first met Clover!" Velvet yelled almost immediately. "For some reason that story was never passed down."

"Pretty sure I know why." I laughed lightly as the memory came trickling  back. "It was a pretty embarrassing incident... for both of us." I looked around the room. "So, should I get up or somethi-or you could just do that."

Plopped on her butt right in front of me, Velvet scooched up like a kid would to a television. Her ears were trembling, her eyes shining, her tail flicking back-and-forth with excitement. Uh, wow, she really liked the stories.

Velvet threw a quick glance over her shoulder. "Nighty, come here! Teller's gonna tell us a story!"

"I'm just fine here. In fact, I could probably get some work done while you-"

"Nighty!" she barked, jabbing at him then at a spot next to her on the floor. "You! Butt! Here! Teller! Story! Now!"

"But honey-"

"NOW!"

"Yesdear." He quickly hopped down. His face was completely neutral, but I could see the bead of sweat on his temple as he made his way over.

Her husband successfully cowed, Velvet refocused the full brunt of her story-mania on me. Had I not been used to the original, I might've flinched at the unholy light in her eyes. Instead, only my cheek twitched briefly.

Well, who was I to deny such an adoring audience? I cleared my throat and began.

"So, it all started when I was in Star Swirl's study, reading over his research notes. Then this little, green mare comes in and everything goes to..."





I raised my arms above my head and pulled. With an audible 'snap,' I felt my vertebrae shift and muscles twinge. Letting out a low, low, pleased groan of satisfaction and not a small amount of happy drool, I sank further into the oversized bathtub. Even sitting on the bench I'd created, the water easily reached up to my nose.

I'd almost forgotten how large pony bathrooms were; compared to the one in my cramped apartment back home, even the most modest of pony ones were luxury-suite levels of grand. Guess it made sense that creatures that walked on all fours needed more space to walk around in.

Say one thing: Velvet sure was adamant about fulfilling the tenets of hospitality. Thought she was going to chain me to the floor when I made to leave after several long rounds of storytelling. She said there was no way she'd let her godfather (I admit, I squeed at that) sleep anywhere else when there was a perfectly serviceable bed at their house. Surprisingly, even Night Light agreed with the idea.

I think I was wearing him down.

She'd nearly shoved me into the bathtub, and it was only by the grace of ZUN that I'd managed to convince her that I didn't need to be scrubbed down like an antsy colt (but not until after she'd telekinetically stripped me so she could wash my clothes).

Still, Velvet really did make a good bath. I took a deep breath, inhaling the fragrant scents of lilacs and lavender that she'd infused the bathwater with. Heck, there were even flower petals floating on the water's surface; the wisps of steam rising and swirling up off of them rather artistic-looking.

Hey, I was secure enough in my masculinity to enjoy a little pampering. I was stone for over three thousand years - I deserved a little relaxin'.

"Silver glass hand mirror... with a handle."

The mirror materialized in the air, and I grabbed it before it could fall (by the handle, luckily).I looked at myself through it and marveled at how little I'd changed (if at all) since I'd first arrived in Equestria. However, that didn't take into account the huge changes when I came here.

I guess I should've been grateful. Considering ZUN's art style, I'm lucky I didn't look like I was underaged. I still looked like a man in his mid-twenties, just sorta baby-faced and very... pretty.

Yeah, I'd been bishounenfied. When 99% of Touhou's cast was cute girls and the only guys were a bishounen, a dapper elderly gentleman, and a very manly pink cloud, I'm thankful I got the first one.

That wasn't the only physical change. My hair, originally black, had changed to a deep, dark blue, offsetting the bright hue of my eyes. I opened my mouth and stuck out my tongue.

The kanji for 'word' and 'spirit' were inscribed vertically on top and faintly glowing.

I sucked on my teeth. I put a hand to my forehead and pushed back my slick bangs, letting go of the mirror in the other. It vanished in a collection of shining motes before it even touched the floor.

"Damn it."

I really was back.

...whelp, that just meant I had work to do. People to meet, places to go, stuff to steal, books to borrow, princesses to ruin. Busy, busy, busy.

I waved blindly at my grimoire as it floated next to me (I had no concerns about it getting wet). It obediently flew in front of me. I made a swiping motion with my hand.

"Open."

The spellbook snapped open, its pages flipping frantically. With the sound of a barely restrained hurricane, the pages leapt from the binding and into the air. They encircled me, moving faster and faster until they were a blur. Eventually they slowed and the stopped, leaving me at the center of  a dome made up of mystical parchment.

"Active spell cards."

The dome shifted like a great tile puzzle, pages fluttering up, down, and across until I now had several sheets, different from the rest, floating in front of me. Unlike the others, these sheets had visible words written on them and were glowing more brightly.

Only about a half-dozen, huh? I wasn't surprised; I'd lost most of them when I was sealed. I'd just have to make do with the ones I had until I gathered the rest. Though this did give me reason to actually create more of my own originals; the first and only one I'd made was more of a last resort measure.

Now, which one should I... ah! Perfect.

I raised a hand.

"Cut."

My hand was sliced open by an invisible blade. The tang of iron and ink mixed with the sweet smell of flowers. I curled up my hand and flicked the welled-up blood at one of the pages.

It drank the blood up before its glow turned from a bright blue to a dark red. Gradually, something began to emerge from the runic circle drawn at the top of the page.

Soon, I would have my revenge. Soon, I would get what I desired. Soon, it would all be perfect.

Get ready, Sparky! Mr. Woodsworth was coming for ya!