"Why is his penis glowing?"
Twilight blinked and looked over at Fluttershy. Her shy friend sounded uncharacteristically calm given that they were being charged by a horde of murderer-rapist arch villains from Tartarus. She was about to say as much when her magic nerd programming finished processing the question and took control of her mouth.
"It seems to be acting as a sort of...lower horn. Only it's not projecting magic back out. But that would mean..."
As Twilight lectured across the room Walker's Ranger senses analyzed the situation with painful clarity. Events slowed to a crawl as Walker shifted his perceptions from the linear, rational progression that characterized the White Man's conception of time to the more spiritual understanding of his Cherokee ancestors.
Fluttershy stared in fascinated awe as the strange creature shifted from still and ready to explosive action in less time than it took for darkness to rush in when a light went out. The instant before the first of the Tartaren escapees reached him his shoulder dipped and exposed back muscles rippled and suddenly he was moving forward in a low leg sweep that sent the charging buffalo stumbling past. Glenda the Gelder lunged at him an instant later. The stranger's exposed hard penis proved an irresistible target for the rabid stallion hater's sharpened chompers. Except that somehow the magnificent length of man-meat wasn't there and Glenda's jaws closed on Mad Mojo's ballsack. She instinctively bite down, ripping and tearing his testicles off with one savage jerk of her head. The evil buffalo howled in agony and instinctively bucked his hind legs at his attacker before keeling over into a heap. Glenda the Gelder flew through the air to slam into the side of the altar with bone-shattering force.
The stranger had already moved on. A shrieking she-demon hovering above on bat-like wings drew bank and hurled a blast of lightning at him. The stranger swung one of his long legs up in a spinning motion to deflect the attack but something flared silver and he froze for a critical second. The galvanic energy struck him with full force. The creature went rigid with agony as electricity made his muscles spasm and sent signals a thousand times stronger than nature had intended coursing through his every nerve. Fluttershy winced in sympathy.
"We have to help him!" she pleaded to her friends. As always Rainbow Dash was the first to react.
"I'm on it!" she shouted as she rocketed forward into the fray. She stopped in midair right in front of the demon pony, spun and was about to buck the bitch right in her whore face when something hot and sticky smashed into her from the side like a locomotive.
Sunshine Smiles cackled from over beside Glenda the Gelder's now dead corpse as his conjured blood elemental entered the fight. He turned to see a number of heavy objects enveloped by the purple glow of pony magic floating towards him. The bat pony took a deep breath and let out a scream that started at painful and quickly reached frequencies that reduced stone and wood to dust. The various floating blunt instruments were ripped apart in midair and Sunshine Smiles took one menacing step forward. His eyes locked on Twilight Sparkle and his brow furrowed with the concentration that signalled the beginning of another spell. He was totally focused, which left him completely blindsided when a lance of blue light slammed into him from behind and directly into his anus.
Fluttershy turned to track the blast back to its source. So did Twilight Sparkle, the demoness and the sinister unicorn who still hadn't moved from the altar. Blue sparks leapt off the bipedal creature's erect penis. His eyes flicked up to the she-demon above. She had just enough time to scream before Walker thrust his pelvis in her direction and released another bolt of lightning.
"Buck this," Canter LeRue said from over by the altar. His horn glowed and a moment later he teleported away in a crackle of black energy. Across the room Mad Mojo moaned in agony as he bled from his crotch. The strange creature turned to regard the remaining Tartaren escapees. The demon ponies exchanged uneasy glances before turning in unison to fly back the way they came. The impromptu hell portal snapped shut behind them.
The man turned to regard the remaining ponies. Both sides eyed the other uncertainly until Applejack broke the silence.
"Well howdy there, pardner! That sure was some mighty fancy shooting you done did there with your, uh... Twi?"
"Lower horn," Twilight Sparkle supplied.
"Lower horn," Applejack finished. She took a few steps closer and held up a hoof.
Rather than bumping it the creature unclenched its fist and wrapped its fingers around the proffered hoof and have it a firm shake.
"Glad I was able to help," he said with a wry smile. "Name's Walker. I'm a Texas Ranger."
Applejack returned the smile. "Reckon we'dve been in a right pickle if you hadn't shown up when you did. Lemme introduce you proper," she said, motioning to her friends as she did.
Fluttershy stared in rapt fascination at Walker as he and the other ponies exchanged names and greetings. Her eyes were wide and her pupils dilated and she was acutely aware of her wings standing half extended to either side. She didn't even hear Applejack say her name until the second or third repetition. She shook her head as she snapped out of her reverie and looked up shyly.
"Oh, hello," Fluttershy said with a blush. "Thank you so much for helping us. I hope it wasn't too much trouble."
Walker's smile remained as warm as a summer day and deep as the roots of a mountain. "Anytime, Miss Fluttershy. Just doing my job."
Walker started to say more but suddenly his penis flared with brilliant silver radiance. He felt his roundhouse kicking leg clench with agonizing pain and then go numb. His naked body swayed and his eyes rolled back in his head. Applejack, Big Macintosh and Twilight Sparkle rushed to catch him as he fell.
Off to the side of the group Rainbow Dash folded her forelegs and scowled.
"I could have done all that," she muttered.
†
"Walker... Save me Walker... "
Walker turned toward the faint voice. Featureless blackness gave way to a dark cavern. Cocoons of semi-transparent goo hung from the walls and ceiling in the hundreds. Low moans issued forth from whatever was inside them. As Walker watched a steady stream of the insectoid drones from before filtered in with more cocoons to add to the collection.
Walker took a step forward and the scene blurred and faded away. It was replaced by a small stable much like the one on Walker's ranch back in Texas. The familiar smell of hay and animals mixed with the more delicate scent of incense and rose petals. It felt warm and homespun, like picante sauce made in San Antonio.
"She will find me soon."
Walker tracked the voice to its source. A man with Semitic features and dark, curly hair sat heavily atop a pile of hay. His simple clothing was torn and bloody and he panted with something worse than mere exhaustion. He met Walker's gaze. His eyes were haunted, shadowed.
"I can already feel her feeding on me. Hurry, before..."
The scene blurred and reverted to blackness. Walker found himself standing again in darkness beyond darkness. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath to steady himself. When he opened them again he was face to face with another insectoid creature, sized like the one from the portal and unmistakably feminine but larger and with a solid black body. She smirked at him before opening her muzzle to reveal sharp fangs and a red tongue that caressed the air an inch from Walker's face.
"I HAVE THREE PENISES!" screamed an echoing manifold voice like the one from before. She lunged at Walker, and Walker's last thought before the blackness took him was that he could not react in time.
†
Fluttershy paced anxiously up and down her crowded living room. Bursts of sound and light interspersed with strange voices filtered down the stairwell and windows. Their first instinct had been to have Rainbow Dash fly Walker to back Ponyville hospital but a quick check by Fluttershy and a longer divinatory scan by Twilight had shown there was nothing medically wrong with the hirsute creature with the mammoth-like chest. After examining the strange clinging sparkles working their way up his leg Twilight had babbled something Fluttershy didn't understand about reflexive over-channeling through his lower horn and how she needed to set up a shunt to siphon off the excess magic before it went critical. Twilight had commandeered Fluttershy's bedroom as an impromptu combination sick bed and casting chamber. She had been up there for what seemed like hours doing something that was probably related to all the explosions.
Fluttershy was very worried.
"Does nopony else see how bucked up this is?" Rainbow Dash demanded from over by the front door. "Who the hay has a dick that shoots lightning?!"
"Rainbow Dash!" Rarity scolded. "Don't be uncouth!"
"Oh come on! Soarin is a pegasus and he's in the freaking Wonderbolts and he can't do that! Big Mac has the biggest, most awesome schlong around and he can't shoot lightning with it!" She turned to Big Macintosh and said, "Right?"
"Eyup," Big Macintosh said after a moment's thought. Rainbow Dash looked grateful that somepony was finally listening to reason.
"Besides," she continued. "He came out the same portal as all those evil hell ponies. There has to be a reason for that."
Applejack frowned at that. "RD does have a point," she admitted. "But that Walker feller helped us out of a bind and he ain't done nothing to make us not trust him. Maybe it was just a coincidence like Twi said. "
Rainbow Dash snorted. "Oh please AJ. You think we didn't all see you checking out his junk at close range?"
Applejack blushed. "I don't know what you're talking about," the farm pony muttered.
A glaring match was in the offing between the two stubborn ponies when they were interrupted by a loud "Hmm." They turned to see an unusually serious looking Pinkie Pie with her chin perched on one hoof in a thinker's pose.
"Something about him seemed familiar..." Pinkie Pie mused. Before anypony could ask hoofsteps sounded coming down the stairs.
"Twilight!" Fluttershy exclaimed when the exhausted unicorn staggered into the room. "Is he alright?"
"For now," Twilight panted. Her coat was matted and she was swaying slightly. "I managed to set up a ward to divert magic away from him and that should stop him from getting worse for awhile, but his lower horn is still trying to channel and sooner or later it's going to breech the ward and draw in enough to go critical."
"I have no idea what any of that means," Rainbow Dash said deadpan. "What about those weird sparkles?"
Twilight took a deep breath. "I'm not sure, but it seemed to be a separate issue. Whatever it is his body is fighting it so I assume it's bad for him. It's creeping up his leg but his so far it hasn't reached his crotch."
"Oh dear!" Fluttershy gasped. "Can you stop it?"
Twilight shook her head. "Not without taking down the ward and using enough magic to probably overload his lower horn right then and there."
"So what can we do?" Applejack asked plainly.
"First things first," Twilight said. "Rainbow Dash, I need you to fly back to the library and have Spike update the Princess on everything that has happened. Tell her she needs to contact my brother. Canter LeRue is back at large and nopony knows him better than Shining."
"Who is that guy anyway?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"Rainbow Dash, don't you read the news?" Rarity chided. "His trial a few years ago was the sensation of the decade before Nightmare Moon returned."
"Yeah?"
"Mass murderer and general psycho," Twilight said tersely. "Tried to rape my sister-in-law and murder my brother with scorpions twice. Was banished to Tartarus by the Princess."
Rainbow Dash whistled. "Woah. That bad?"
"The worst," Twilight said flatly. "No time to talk. Go!"
Rainbow Dash saluted. "I'm on it!" she said before rocketing off.
"Twi, were you able to find out anything else about him?" Applejack asked once Rainbow Dash was gone.
"Not much," Twilight admitted. "He talked a few times but he never came to. All I could make out was something about someone named Jesus."
Pinkie Pie inhaled a huge breath. "Seriously?!" she shouted incredulously. "He knows Jesus?!"
Everypony turned to look at her. "Pinkie, you actually know something?!" Twilight blurted.
"Well duh," Pinkie Pie said with a roll of her eyes. "Jesus was this friend of mine who made the most awesome wine ever for a dinner party I once went to!"
She paused before adding more soberly. "Then the soldiers came and arrested him. I don't like to think about what came next."
Pinkie Pie seemed uncharacteristically somber. The others decided it was probably better not to ask. "Well, who was he?" Twilight pressed.
"I think his dad was like the human princess or something," Pinkie Pie said with a shrug. "I was never clear on that part. But Jesus was really super fun to be around. He even let me carry him into town and stuff!"
Rarity raised an eyebrow. "So not only have you met some of these creatures before but you were also romantically involved with one?"
Pinkie Pie snorted. "Nope!" She looked thoughtful for a moment. "Though his disciples did keep saying I had a sweet ass."
"Ass?" Applejack said skeptically.
"Flank," Pinkie Pie translated.
"Oh," Applejack said. "Huh."
"That's rather risqué for simply being friends, darling, " Rarity commented.
Pinkie Pie snorted. "Nah, it was pretty normal for humans to get around that way so I just went along with it. Besides, Judas was jealous enough already."
"Judas?" Twilight asked.
"Jesus's special somepony," Pinkie clarified.
"Ah," Twilight said. "So where are they from then? And how did you end up meeting them?"
Pinkie Pie launched into a complicated explanation involving talents of silver, the Smooze and something called tritium. Twilight's ears and left eye started twitching in a clear signal of an impending mental breakdown at about the two minute mark. Finally she shouted, "PINKIE!"
Pinkie Pie stopped in mid diagram. "What?" she asked, still cheerful.
"...Never mind the details," Twilight said. "Right now we need to focus on what's important..."
Suddenly Rainbow Dash came crashing in through one of Fluttershy's windows. "Girls," she said, "we've got a problem."
All eyes turned to Rainbow Dash.
"Ponyville is on fire!"