//------------------------------//
// Chapter 6: Pain 
// Story: What the Heart Craves 
// by ocalhoun 
//------------------------------//

Chapter 6 – Pain

The next morning, Bella staggered down the stairs, still rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. The bottom step creaked, just like it always did.
The school routine stuck to her, and yesterday's events still felt comfortably removed from her. Lemon Hearts sat at the kitchen table, staring at her.
“Hi, Mom.”
“Good morning, Bella.” Lemon pushed a plate full of cookies across the table. “How are you feeling today?”
Bella sat down across from her mom. “Fine,” she lied.
Lemon's eyes narrowed. Her light blue magic wrapped around the plate and slid it in front of Bella.	
As if that could make me feel better. “I'm not hungry, Mom.”
Lemon gave Bella her look, the one where she tilted her head down slightly and looked right through a pony.
Bella rolled her eyes. “Fine. If it'll make you happy.” She picked up a cookie and took a quick bite.
Her eyes opened wide. This cookie is delicious! She stared at it; it looked like an ordinary chocolate chip cookie, but she'd never eaten one so soft and buttery-sweet. It melted in her mouth.
“Do you like it? It's a new recipe I'm trying out.”
Of course Mom can bake. That doesn't change anything. Bella stared at her cookie and scowled. “They're okay.” She wondered for a moment how good they might have tasted hot and fresh yesterday morning, instead of cold and stale today. That's stupid. My life is ruined, and cookies aren't going to fix it, no matter what Mom thinks. Bella shoved the rest of the cookie into her mouth, eating it methodically and robotically, refusing to enjoy any part of it.
Lemon watched, her face scrunching up a little.
That gaze was getting too piercing. “Well, I'd better go get ready for school. I'll—”
“Bella.”
Wincing, Bella dropped back into the chair, but she didn't respond. She picked up another cookie.
“Are you going to tell me what's wrong?”
“I'm fine.”
Lemon gave her the look again. “You can tell me. I promise nothing bad will come of it.”
Bella put the cookie down. It cracked through the middle. A silent moment passed, and she looked away, into the living room. “Broke up with Silver.”
“Oh no!” Lemon covered her mouth with both hooves. “What happened?”
“Stuff happened.”
“Bella...” 
Bella looked at her mom. The thin glimmer of sunshine from the window made Lemon's yellow coat glow. She was just sitting there, waiting for an explanation.
With a sigh, Bella flopped forward onto the table, holding her head in her hooves. She'll have to find out sooner or later. “Ruby gave me some really bad drugs, then I went to a club, and I had sex with a colt name Lickety there.”
Lemon frowned, but she didn't say anything.
“And, well, his marefriend, too.” This sounds terrible. “And, well, after talking with...” Bella winced. She doesn't need to know about her. “... Somepony was talking to me about being pregnant, and I got worried, so I went for a test and...”
Lemon's eyes went wide. She mouthed something, but didn't say it.
“I found out I am.”
That was enough to visibly unbalance Lemon. She held her hooves up to her mouth for a long moment, then burst up out of her chair and ran around the table. Her hooves wrapped tight around Bella. “Oh Honey, are you alright?”
Bella tried to shrug her mom off, halfheartedly. “Um, I guess I'm kinda okay with that, but—”
“But when you told your marefriend...”
“Yeah.” Bella slumped. “When I told Silver Spoon, she didn't take it well.”
“We'll have to tell your father sometime.”
Bella jolted back. “No!” She turned away.
“Bella. He needs to know.” Lemon leaned over the polished wood table to look Bella in the face again. “And I get the feeling that there's more to it than you've told me, too.”
Shaking her head, Bella leaned back over, hugged her mom, and nuzzled close.
Lemon tensed up for a moment, then returned the hug, patting Bella on the back. She sighed, long and heavy. “Okay. It'll be okay.”
Bella stayed there far longer than she ever thought she would. She needed somepony to hold her, and with Silver taken away, she'd gone back to the same hooves that had held her as a little filly. At least she could still count on those.
Lemon pulled away a tiny bit – not without a struggle – and reached her hoof up to wipe the tears away from Bella's eyes. She gave a calm, sure smile. “I'm sure you'll be able to get her back. You two are wonderful together. Just apologize to her – that has to be the first step.”
“You really think she'll take me back?” Saying that brought a bloom of warmth to Bella's chest. Maybe she will.
“And don't worry about the baby. No matter what happens, we'll deal with that together.” Lemon rubbed Bella's shoulder. “If you want my advice, I say you should consider adoption. Lots of couples out there want to have foals but can't. We could find a good home for it.” She gently poked Bella in the chest. “It's been done before, you know.”
Bella nodded.
“Now...” Lemon pulled away and stood up. “It's time to get you ready for school or you'll be late.”
“Mom!”
“Nope. I don't want to hear it.” She nudged Bella out of the chair. “You're not missing another day this week!”


⁂


This morning was warmer than the last few days had been. With the sun on her side and hardly any breeze, Bella could imagine it was a slightly chilly summer morning.
She was almost at school now, and the apology she'd been working on for Silver was nearly complete. 'And then we can put all of this behind us'? That didn't sound quite right. 'And someday, it won't even matter.' That sounded better. She still wasn't sure if she should offer Silver a free chance to mess around, but it would be fair, after all. Maybe I'll save that to use in case she's wavering.
Turning the corner, Bella came into view of the school.
Silver Spoon stood in front of the entrance, talking to Diamond Tiara.
Oh no. Bella froze. She can't be thinking of... She slipped back behind the corner and peeked around it.
Diamond pointed at the big, faceless building behind her and said something to Silver.
Silver's head hung low, and she covered her face with a hoof.
She only does that when she's crying. Bella winced. This is all my fault.
Diamond slapped Silver, sending her reeling back. Bella could almost feel it herself.
Silver staggered way for a moment, but then came right back in.
Diamond said something else. She petted Silver's cheek right where she'd just slapped it.
Oh no. Please, Spoony, you don't have to do that!
Silver nodded.
It felt like Bella's insides were being torn out of her, leaving a crushing vacuum inside, pulling her into herself. Oh Spoony. Not this. Anything but this.
Pushing in close to Silver, Diamond kissed her roughly – pressing her back and down with the force of it.
Melting down in the face of Diamond's pressure, Silver cringed away ... but she kissed back, and her tail slowly rose until it flagged high.
Spoony... Bella collapsed against the cold, rough wall, fighting back tears. It was a fight she couldn't win. What have I done? What have I done?
Silver was back together with Diamond Tiara. Back with the insults, back with being used, back with being abused.
And it was all Bella's fault.
She collapsed into the dirt, dust sticking to the damp patches on her face. It ate away at her like acid. One selfish, stupid mistake and I've ruined her life. Bella had felt unwanted before, and she'd felt unloved. But she had never felt so utterly worthless. Silver would be better off if she never met me. She looked back up. It was almost like saying goodbye.
Diamond broke away from Silver and strutted toward the school's door.
Silver didn't move.
Whirling around with a sharp step, Diamond shouted viciously at her.
Silver rushed up and followed her closely. The two of them disappeared into the school together.
“Goodbye, Spoony,” Bella whispered. “I'm sorry.” She covered her face with a hoof. Why did I do it? Why did I do this to—
“Are you okay, Miss?” An old brown stallion stood close to her, peering at her through thick glasses that distorted his eyes.
Bella shot up and wiped the tears and dust out of her face. It just smeared, darkening her light coat. She took a step away from him. “I'm fine.”
“Are you sure I can't—”
“I'm fine.” She pivoted on her back legs and took off, galloping straight back home as fast as her legs could carry her. She ran on and ignored the looks, ignored the quick, thoughtless questions of the ponies she passed. It was all meaningless, after all. None of it mattered.
By the time she stepped through the front door of her house, she'd managed to slow herself to a more reasonable pace and calm her breathing, though her legs still trembled.
Angry music thundered from upstairs, but downstairs the house looked empty. Though the rooms were sprawling and empty, the dark wood-paneled walls, low ceilings, and recessed living room made the space feel dim and cramped. Strangely, the rooms seemed more crowded when they were empty.
Bella crept around the big brown sofa and past her mother's hutch full of fancy dishes. Even though she'd never seen any of them used, they never showed any dust.
The kitchen was empty as well, though she could still smell a hint of toast. Lemon had to be here somewhere, but she wasn't in any of her usual places.
Good. Maybe I can get to my room without her seeing me. She started up the stairs, but when she neared the top, she could hear something above her brother's music.	
It was Lemon's voice, and she was shouting.
Bella froze, but then crept up as close as she could without being seen around the corner at the top of the stairs.
“... even get those drugs? Don't think for a minute that I don't know about you and your stash, young colt!” Lemon was quiet for a moment. “I know you gave her those drugs. Drop the act! You've always been a bad influence on Bella.”
The music cut off. Bella peeked around the corner – Lemon was inside the room now.
“And she had better not get any more drugs while she's pregnant! I won't have you risking her foal for some silly—”
Ruby's voice mumbled something.
Lemon's voice squeaked shrilly, “What? I will not be talked to that way. I'm still your mother!”
“No!” Ruby's shout echoed in the hallway. “You're not my mom! My mom's dead, and she was a cunt anyway!”
Lemon gasped loudly.
“But not as big of a cunt as you!”
“Unh! How could you say...” Somepony stomped hard on the wooden floor – hard enough for Bella to feel the vibrations. “When your father comes home, we're going to—”
“Fuck off!” Ruby's music blasted out again, louder than before. Screaming musicians replaced the yelling between family members.
Lemon Hearts stormed out of the room. Her magic slammed the door behind her. As soon as it shut, her fury collapsed. She cringed, glancing back at the door, then squeezing her eyes shut and hanging her head low. Slowly, she turned away toward the stairs, biting her lip and walking as if she was a hundred years old.
She looked up and spotted Bella. She transformed, standing taller and straighter. The worry lines in her face vanished, replace by a huge, shallow smile. “Oh, Bella! What are you doing home?”
Bella winced. “I, uh ... nothing! I wasn't trying to... I just...” Crud. There's no covering for it now. She knows I was eavesdropping.
The smile faded. “Why aren't you at school?”
Ruby's music blasted out again, even louder now, making conversation difficult.
“It's not Ruby's fault, Mom,” Bella half-shouted. “I'm the one who screwed up.” I'm the one who screwed up everything.
Lemon came in close so Bella could hear. “Really, why aren't you at school?”
“I...” Bella grit her teeth and glanced away. She should be in school, Silver or no Silver ... but she couldn't possibly go there and watch Diamond Tiara abuse her. “Mom, I can't!”
Lemon stared at her.
The tension was too much. Bella's legs felt like stretched springs, and she let them pop. She dashed past Lemon to her own room, and she slammed the door behind her. Jumping into her bed, she grabbed the sheets and flung them over herself. She only wanted to disappear in there forever, where she couldn't screw up anypony else's life... or her own.
A moment later, the door opened.
Bella groaned. Why didn't I lock it? I can't do anything right! It didn't matter, though. Lemon had a key for it somewhere. But the last thing she needed right now was another lecture about school.
“Oh Bella.” Lemon delicately stepped into the room. “What happened to your posters and all your lovely drawings? Was it Ruby?” She closed the door. With it shut, Ruby's music muted down to a muffled roar. “You had such a wonderful collection going. What happened?”
Bella rolled away from her. “They weren't that good.”
The bed sagged as Lemon sat down on it. “Bella dear, I don't know what to make of you these days. I know you're upset about Silver Spoon, but you've been acting so ... strangely. It isn't like you.”
“It doesn't matter, Mom.”
There was a long pause. Lemon fidgeted back and forth, rocking the bed slightly. “Bella, I always—”
“I know who my real mom is, okay.” Bella flung the blankets away from her head. “I know everything.”
“Oh ... oh.” Lemon gave a long sigh. “We'd always meant to tell you sometime, of course ... but I knew how much you liked her, and I knew how you felt about your birth mother.”
Bella shoved her face into the pillow. “Well thank you so much for keeping it a secret. It made my life so much better.”
“I didn't...” Lemon pursed her lips. “How did it happen?”
“She invited me backstage. I thought she was just impressed by my dancing. But then I was flirting with her, and she was acting really weird, and eventually she said she was my mom.” Bella rolled over onto her back, dragging the bedsheets with her. “When I was having sex in that club later, it was to get back at her.”
“What?” Lemon leaned away a little, creaking the bedsprings. “How is that getting back at her?”
“I was showing her what a bad mom she was, making her regret giving me up.”
Lemon wrapped a hoof around her. “Oh Bella, you do have a mom who loves you.”
Sliding close to her mom, Bella pulled at her mane, making an even worse mess of it. “And now Silver is gone, and she's back with Diamond Tiara getting abused, and she'll go back home to her dad and—” Bella clamped her mouth shut. There were still some things she couldn't tell anypony about.
“Don't worry. This will all be sorted out in time.” Lemon rubbed Bella's shoulder. “Now, how about we get you back to school?”
“Mom!” Bella covered her face with her hooves. “I can't! Silver's...” She rocked back and forth slightly. “I can't see her after what I did to her. I can't.”
Again, Lemon was quiet for a long moment.
Bella rolled over and buried her head in the pillow. She could feel it getting damp under her face. Ugh! I'm so stupid. Why did I do that?
With a long sigh, Lemon laid a hoof on Bella, brushing against her mane. “How about we go make cookies together, just like when you were little and we used to play games while they baked? And you always wanted to play Mareopoly, but we never had enough time to finish before the cookies were done. Maybe that would cheer you up?”
When will she figure out that I've grown up? Cookies can't fix everything! I'm pregnant for pony's sake, and she's still treating me like a child. Bella spun around to face her. “Mom! I'm not a—”
The corners of Lemon's eyes were pinched, and her lips were trembling slightly, despite her tight smile.
Bella stared at her, blinking. Wow ... she really needs this. It would really hurt her if I said no. At least Bella could make somepony happy. “Okay, Mom. I'd like that.”
Lemon's smile became warmer and more genuine. Tears welled up in the corners of her eyes. She leaned down and hugged Bella tight. “That's my girl... that's my girl.”