Chapter 30--Back in Canterlot
Have I ever mentioned how much I fucking hate this god damn city? The ponies are snooty and everything is overpriced. And not to mention the utter lack of things to do. I’m not surprised by the lack of things to do because the snooty ponies are the ones in charge of literally everything so the entirety of all entertainment is museums, Wonderbolts races, and places to spend their massive piles of gold. And along with all that, the food industry was equally annoying. All the restaurants are high priced and fucking five-star fancy annoying bullshit so you can never just go out for a bite to eat, it’s always an event. As such, I ate at the castle every day. Which I probably would have done anyways because they have the best chef presumably in the world and he actually knows how to cook meat to order. It was also free so that’s always a plus.
Anyways, my first armor fitting appointment wasn’t until that Friday so the two days prior were enough to drive me fucking crazy. If Twilight hadn’t enchanted my carving knife so that I couldn’t hurt myself, I probably would have started cutting off my fingers as something to do--that is, if I still had fingers. I had already read Clover’s journal to look for as many clues as possible but there seemed to be some parts missing, especially involving things that happened in Canterlot because when Clover returned home after retrieving the Stones, a lot of shit had happened.
Anyways, when we got to Canterlot, I was taken directly to Celestia and Luna so I could tell them my decision of what kind of knight I was gonna be. “Ah, Síor, you’re finally here,” Celestia said. “So have you decided who to swear your loyalty to?”
“Neither,” I replied.
“Please explain thyself,” Luna said.
“I’ve been doing a little reading lately and I came across a book about the different kinds of knights. Within this book I read about the Umbral Knights.”
“Only ponies can become Umbral Knights,” Celestia said.
“And as far as we know, I am irreversibly a pony.”
“He does make a point, sister,” Luna said.
“Why are you taking his side?” Celesta asked. “I thought you wanted him as a knight as well.”
“That is true but there really is nothing we can do. We are forcing him to be a knight and letting him choose what type of knight he wishes to be. In his current state, he qualifies to be an Umbral Knight. Who are we to reject him that choice?”
“I suppose you’re right. But what should happen if he does return to his human form?”
“Then we shall have a human among our Umbral ranks. What of it?”
“It’s against tradition. We have always had only ponies in the Umbral ranks even when Mother and Father were still alive--though back then they were called Continual Knights.”
“It may be tradition but perhaps it’s time to change traditions. In any case, I’ve always thought that particular tradition was rather racist. As a matter of fact, if you had changed that tradition long ago, our current foreign relations would likely be in a much better state than they are.”
“Let us not speak of the hypothetical past. I suppose since there truly is no reason to not grant him Umbral Knight status, it is what we must do. Very well, Síor, when you go to be measured for you armor on Friday, be sure to tell the blacksmith that you are becoming an Umbral Knight so your armor can be made with the proper coloration.”
“Will do,” I said and I left.
That Sunday, I went to the royal armory for my first measuring appointment. “Good afternoon,” a pony, surprisingly a mare, greeted me from the back. “How may I help you today?” she asked as she came to the front counter. I saw that she was an Earth Pony. Her fur was a light grey and her mane was a strangely well-suited pink. She had an anvil for her cutie mark.
“I was told to come here to get measured for my armor,” I said.
“Ah, you must be Síor. Please come to my back room and we’ll begin with your measurements.” She started walking to the back room and I followed. “My name is Lisbeth, by the way.”
“Huh, that’s an abnormally normal name for a pony.”
“Most ponies just say it’s abnormal. What do you mean ‘abnormally normal?’”
“Well, most ponies have names that describe their talent or something about them but you just have a normal person name.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, from my perspective, all other pony names are weird because their all these stupid names that I have never encountered before but your name is a variation of one of the most common names of my time.”
“What do you mean of your time?”
“Are we gonna get my measurements or talk about my life?”
“Who’s to say we can’t do both?”
“I am because I don’t want to tell the story of my existence in Equestria again.”
“Alright, what do you want to talk about then?” She got her tailor’s tape and started measuring my body.
“Is nothing an option?”
“I suppose but I always prefer to talk with my customers; I find it reduces the awkwardness.”
“Fair enough. Pick a topic and we can talk.” I levitated my cloak to a corner so she could begin the measurements.
“Well, you could talk about how you’re an alicorn. I thought the princesses were the only ones.”
“Ugh, I’m really getting tired of telling this story. Long story short, I used to be human but after some idiot unicorn tried to cast a new spell during a magic battle that I was forced into, I became an alicorn. And from what we can tell, it’s irreversible.”
“Who’s we?”
“Me, the princesses, the Unicorn Tower, Twilight, everyone else who’s had any part in trying to fix this.”
“Sounds like you have a pretty good team working on it. So why do you think you became an alicorn of all things?”
“Fuck if I know. From what we could tell, the spell that the unicorn was trying to cast was meant to make her into an alicorn but when it backfired, I took the full-force of it. However, according to Twilight, I should have only gained wings and not the full body and the horn because a successful alicornation spell would only add wings to the caster. So it’s anyone’s guess why I’m an alicorn.”
“Interesting. You mentioned that you were a human before. What’s that?”
“Basically, a hairless fleshy bipedal creature with front-facing eyes, hands, and omnivorous capabilities.”
“Omnivorous? So you can eat meat?”
“I could, but thanks to my new body, I’m unable to digest it properly so no one will let me eat any. Gotta say, being vegetarian sucks.”
“You’ll get used to it. Being born into it is certainly easier, I’m sure, but just as with any changes in life, your body will adapt.”
“This isn’t exactly what I had in mind when it comes to my body adapting.”
“Sorry. Could you extend your wings, please?”
“I’m afraid not. I wasn’t born with these things so I haven’t learned how to use them yet.”
“No worries, I’ll lift them for you.” She lifted a hoof to my right wing and gently extended it outward as she measured it’s span.
“I may not be able to move them but I sure can feel you moving them. Please be gentle, they feel rather tender.”
“Yes, from what I’ve heard, wings are a very sensual part of pegasus anatomy. Most pegasi I get in here can hardly keep a straight face when I start measuring their wings. You should be proud, you have the longest wingspan I’ve seen by quite a bit. Most pegasi would be envious.”
“That’s probably because I’m an alicorn, not a pegasus. In my brief experience here in Equestria, it seems that alicorns are generally larger than other ponies.”
“So I’ve noticed, as well. Most of your measurements have been rather larger than any other pony I’ve measured. It seems that the full height of a pony just reaches your shoulders.”
“That’s about how it was when I was still human. The princesses are a little taller than me though, but only by a few inches.”
“Well, I think that’ll do for now. I just need to know what coloration I need to apply.”
“I’m gonna be an Umbral Knight.”
“An Umbral? I haven’t made for an Umbral since I first became the Royal Blacksmith over 100 years ago.”
“Well, allow me to renew your record.”
“Indeed. Would you like a full-helm or just a cranial covering?”
“Full would be best.”
“Full body armor or top covering only?”
“Again, full body. Also leg covering and wing guards.”
“Alright. Well, I’ll need you to come back on Wednesday so I can make sure I make everything the right size.”
“Sounds good. Now if you need me, I’m staying in the castle. Just ask for me and someone will get me. Until next time.” I put my cloak on and left to go back to my miserable existence.
As I was wondering around town after my appointment, I suddenly realised that it was soon to be evening. That in mind, I started looking for Vinyl to see if she was hosting a party or something tonight. Of course this proved difficult since I didn’t know where she hung out other than the night bar so I tried looking for Octavia to see if she knew where Vinyl was. I recalled Twilight telling me of a concert hall on the east end of Canterlot so I went there figuring that if Octavia was in town, she would probably be there.
Lo and behold, she was there practicing her cello in a side room. I assumed it was her based on the description Vinyl gave me: “a coat as grey and beautiful as a wolf, a mane as dark as night, eyes like amethyst, and the cello playing skills of a goddess.” She forgot to mention the ‘treble clef cutie mark as elegant as the pony herself’ or something like that but I’m more curious where she heard the word goddess from since as far as I know, there are no deities in this time. Anyways when I found Octavia, she was playing what sounded like Titanium so I sat down and let her finish before trying to talk to her. When the song was over, I tried clapping before I realised I didn’t have any hands. So instead, I just walked up to the stage that she was on. The sound of my walking must have startled her out of her daze because she opened her eyes and looked around the room until her eyes found me walking down the center aisle.
“Oh, hello sir,” she said. “I wasn’t aware I had an audience.” She seemed to blush a little as she turned her head away.
“Well, it sounded great,” I assured her. “I’m Síor, by the way. I’m sure Vinyl has mentioned me.”
“Vinyl did mention someone with that name but she said he was a human. You are certainly not a human, whatever that is.”
“I assure you, I am human despite my current appearance. Long story short, I seem to have some powerful enemies one of which accidentally trapped me in this body until either one of the princesses or someone at the Unicorn Tower can find a way to fix it.”
“I see. So what brings you here today?”
“Actually, I was wondering if you could tell me if Vinyl was in town.”
“I’m afraid not. She has a very important ‘gig’ in Fillydelphia. It’s rather unfortunate that it happened to land on the same week as one of the biggest concerts of my life.”
“I’m sure she feels equally upset about it. She cares about you a lot.”
“I know. And this gig of hers is very important for her. She told me that there were rumors of some very high-up modern music ponies and if they like her performance she could be set for life. The same goes for this concert. Some of the most well known classical music critics are supposed to be there so if all goes well, this could be the opportunity of my lifetime.”
“Sounds like both of you have your entire lives resting on this week. But if you perform half as well as you just did, I’m sure you’ll impress even the snootiest of critics.”
“You’re quite the flatterer. Would you like to hear more?”
“Well, it’s not like there’s anything else in this town to do.”
“Well, I’ll play some more for you but this evening, I’m going to show you some fun things that we can do.”
“Hey, I thought you were dating Vinyl.”
“And I thought you were dating Fluttershy. Get your head out of the gutters, I wasn’t implying that.”
“I probably should put an end to that relationship before it goes too far.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’ll tell you later.”
“Why don’t you tell me now?”
“Tell you what, if tonight is as fun as you’re saying it will be, then I’ll tell you all about my relationship problems.”
“Hmm, sounds like a deal. Shall we begin with a sneak preview of my concert?”
“Fire away.”
She brought her bow back up to her cello and began playing more cello renditions of songs from my time. After she played about ten songs, ending with “Shake It Off,” I stopped her and asked where she heard all those songs.
“Well, one day Vinyl and I were exploring the Canterlot Music Library for some inspiration. We went into the Ancient wing of the library to see if we couldn’t bring back some long forgotten music but all the music in that wing was stored on some sort of strange discs and they didn’t have any way of playing them. The librarian said that we could take them but we were on our own finding out how to play them. After a few weeks of research and help from the Unicorn Tower, we finally built a device that could play the discs and they had some very interesting music on them in a language that we couldn’t understand.”
“What do you mean? All the songs you were playing are in English.”
“And we speak Equestrian, not whatever you just said.”
“Wait, if Equestrian and English are different languages, then how can I understand all of you?”
“My guess is that you were given a translation charm.”
“I guess, but Twilight didn’t know I was sentient until I started talking and I could understand her when I first arrived so how did she know to cast the translation spell?”
“Hard to say, you’d have to ask her yourself.”
“Yeah. So you were able to play the music but you couldn’t understand it.”
“Right, so we made up our own lyrics to fit the melodies.”
“So you basically parodied the songs.”
“I suppose you could say that. And of course Vinyl made them into dubstep while I made them into cello songs.”
“Huh. It kinda makes me think.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, if music from my time survived 6 billion years, what else might have survived?”
“That’s a good question. But you’ll have to look into that later, we have a fun night to get to, remember?”
“But of course, lead the way.”
She put her cello in its case and locked it with a hoof-recognizing lock. She then led me out the room and into town. “So where are we going?” I asked.
“You’ll see.” As she lead me through town, I made a note of the landmarks so I could find wherever she was taking me again should I enjoy myself. When we finally got to where we were going, I looked at the place. It looked just like any other generic building in Canterlot so you could say I was a little confused.
“What makes this place different from any other building in this town?”
“Wait until we get inside.”
We walked into the building and the entire atmosphere changed instantly. This place was a full out club, complete with a DJ, a colored light floor, and music so loud you couldn’t hear yourself think. She pulled me up to the bar and wrote the number 2 on a piece of paper and handed it to the bartender. In response, the bartender gave us two strange-looking headset things as well as a piece of paper that had the number 106.7 on it. We put the headsets on and Octavia started messing with a dial on the side of hers then on mine. As she did this, I saw a number appear as though projected in front of my face as is slowly climbed to 106.7. She then altered another dial and the volume of the music turned down she then started talking.
“How’s that?”
“Good, I guess. What is this place and what are these weird devices?”
“This place is known as the Pony Party Palooza.”
“What’s with this country and its alliterations?”
“It makes things easy to remember. The devices allow you to alter the music volume so you can have conversations. The number that the barkeeper was an open station that we are now tuned to so that we can only hear each other. If you want to talk to somepony else, just tune to their station.”
“So why couldn’t we hear the music from outside?”
“I’ve often wondered that myself but supposedly the owner of the joint has a special device that blocks sound from exiting the building.”
“Hmm, that sounds familiar. So how do you know about this place? I thought you were more into classical music.”
“I actually enjoy all kinds of music, and besides you can’t really dance to classical music all that well.”
“I suppose that’s true.”
“Come on, let’s go to the back room.”
“Back room?”
She led me to a door next to the stage where a bouncer-looking unicorn was standing with a sign that simply had the number 103.5 on it. I saw Octavia turn her dial to the number and I did the same, which proved difficult with hooves but I managed. When the bouncer saw that we were properly tuned, he said, “Good evening, Charming Cellist, who’s this?”
“A new friend of mine, who still needs to pick a name.”
“What about me needing to pick a name?”
“Everyone here has a codename to prevent incrimination. Our cutie marks and appearances are also changed when we walk through the door. Only the ponies you come with can see your true appearance.”
“What do you mean prevent incrimination?”
“Just pick a name, you’ll find out soon enough.”
“Alright, call me Fabulous Fucker.”
“Really?”
“What, it’s a perfect description of myself.”
She just sighed and shook her head.
“Charming Cellist, do you have the password?” the bouncer asked.
“Pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows.”
“That is correct. Enjoy.” He opened the door with his magic and we went in.
When we got inside, we changed our station back to the private station and Octavia said, “Síor, welcome to the only place in Equestria where you can get alcohol.”
“You’re kidding!” I went straight to the bar and ordered a pint of porter.
“That didn’t take you long.”
“Hey, don’t judge, I haven’t had a good porter in over 6 billion years.”
“Fair enough. There is also a drug room over there should you desire that.”
“What kind of drugs?”
“Marijuana, cocaine, opium, ecstasy, you name it.”
“Normally I would say that I could lose my job by doing drugs but now I figure why not?” I took my pint of porter and went to the drug room to get high. That’s all I really remember from that night, everything after that is kind of a blur but apparently I did eventually tell Octavia about my relationship problems. I was also given the location that the club would be the next day because apparently it changed places every day to ensure security and only people who had been there before could find the next spot. Anyways, I found myself going there quite often while I was in Canterlot, especially since knights--and apparently soon-to-be knights--drank and smoked free. Needless to say, I was a little high and probably drunk for my next armor appointment.
“Knock knock,” I said as I entered the royal armory.
“Síor, nice of you to show up,” Lisbeth answered when she heard me.
“You’re supposed to say ‘who’s there.’”
“Alright, who’s there?”
“I don’t know. Ooh, what’s that?” I quickly walked over to the glowing hot molten metals that she had melting in the fire.
“My latest masterpiece. When it’s done, it should be the best sword in my collection.” I reached out a hoof to touch it because reasons. “What are you doing?” She quickly pulled my hoof back.
“I wanna touch it.”
“Well don’t. Most ponies would consider it common sense that you don’t touch molten metal.”
“But I’m not a pony. I am God!”
“I don’t care what you are, don’t touch the molten steel! Now get over here so I can verify your measurements.”
“Oh, right.”
“So what were you doing that made you so late today?”
“I was um………”
“...Síor?”
“I’m hungry, do you have any pie?”
“Um, no. Can you just stand still so I can verify the sizes I got for you.”
“Yeah, sure. But seriously, I could really go for some pie.”
“You’ll have to wait until after I’m done.”
“Ooh, shiny!” I walked over to one of the displays as I looked at the light reflecting on it.”
“Síor! Get back over here and please, for the love of Celestia, stay still!”
“Right, right.” I walked back over to the pedestal and attempted to be a good boy.
“Good. Now so far, I have the chestplate and helmet made so let’s try them on to make sure they fit.” She brought out the pieces of armor and helped me put them on.”
“I feel invincible!” I then proceeded to run head-first into the closest wall I could find. This resulted in making myself incredibly dizzy.
“Well, you’re not invincible so don’t go trying that again. The armor seems to fit well so let’s get it off of you so I can get back to the rest of it.” We took the armor off and she set it on a nearby ponnequin. “I’ll need you to come back on Sunday for a final fitting. Until then, try to lay off the salt-licking.” I think she assumed that I had been salt-licking since drugs were illegal and all. After that, I went back to doing fuck all until my final appointment which I was much more sober for.
“Lisbeth, I’m here for the last measure,” I called out when I arrived at the Royal Armory.
“Ah, Síor. I do hope you’re sober this time,” she said as she came from the back room.
“That noticeable, was it?”
“Síor, a foal could have guessed you were high.”
“Well, not to worry, I’m completely sober today.”
“Good, then let’s get started. As I’m sure you can assume, all of your armor has been made by now, I just wanted to put it all on you to make sure it all fit just in case I need to fix any of it.”
“Sounds good.”
She got to work putting the armor on me being careful around my wings. She didn’t want me talking while she was putting it on because apparently it would cause movement that would hinder her work. She also wanted me to listen while she told me how to put it on myself. When she was finished she determined that it was all perfect, she allowed me to take it home. “Here’s a ponnequin for you to store it on. As an Umbral Knight you will be allowed to put your own insignia on your armor so be sure to stop by here after the ceremony tomorrow so we can talk about what your insignia will be.”
“Cool. See you at the ceremony then?”
“As much as I would love to see an Umbral knighted, I’m afraid that I’m not allowed at the ceremony.”
“Why not?”
“It’s not so much that I’m not allowed, but rather that I can’t come. Part of being the Royal Blacksmith is that I’m only allowed days off on national holidays. And the Princesses would never schedule a knighting ceremony on a national holiday. To be honest, I’m surprised they scheduled it this close to Hearth’s Warming.”
“Hearth’s Warming?”
“I forget that you are unaware of pony customs. Hearth’s Warming is our national winter holiday. Traditions include decorating gingerbread houses, exchanging gifts, spending time with distant family members, and of course the tradition Hearth’s Warming Eve pageant.”
“Sounds a lot like Christmas.”
“What’s Christmas?”
“Essentially the same thing but it’s also connected with religion despite the fact that the event it’s meant to celebrate actually most likely happened in either September or March.”
“What’s religion?”
“An organized system of beliefs, ceremonies, and rules used to worship a god or a group of gods.”
“What’s God?”
“I’ll tell you when you’re older.”
“Síor, I’m over 600 years old. I’m pretty sure I’ve had enough life experience to handle whatever it is that you would tell me.”
“Fine, a god is a spirit or being that has great power, strength, knowledge, etc., and that can affect nature and the lives of people.”
“So like the Princesses?”
“There are differences but I’m not gonna tell you those differences because I’m not allowed to disclose national secrets.”
“Fair enough, though that just makes me more curious.”
“If there comes a time when Celestia and Luna don’t control my life, I’d be happy to tell you but as I am becoming their knight, that time probably won’t be soon.”
“Well, then I shall patiently wait for such a time to come.”
“Sure. I’ll see you when I see you, I guess.”
“Until we meet again.” And with those parting words, I returned to my room in the castle with an armored ‘ponnequin’ levitating behind me.