And Then There Were Three
I felt something move my forelegs. It wasn’t a hard move, just a light push. I groaned. My everything ached. I couldn’t remember if I had been hit by a bus or a train.
All I knew was my friends were captives.
I opened my eyes to see a familiar wall-eyed pegasus standing over me and nudging me with her forehoof.
“Zytharros,” Derpy said.
I groaned again, slowly getting up. “What happened?”
“I’m not exactly sure,” she said. “I was delivering mail like normal when I saw a white flash. I wound up here, unconscious, with you.”
“Oh, right…” I said, remembering. “She’s back…”
“Who?” Derpy asked.
“This is going to take a bit to explain…” I said. “The last time I was in Equestria, we, as in Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Applejack, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash and I, engaged with a mare named Crystal Fist. She had taken over the identity of a dimension-travelling mare named Tangerine Hopes. We eventually took care of her, but now Crystal Fist, the one we discovered to be the real evil, has resurfaced, and has taken control of the previously mentioned six.”
I snorted when I finished. Derpy had a blank look on her face.
“What?” she asked.
I sighed. “Where did you get lost?”
She thought for a second. “That part about dimensional travel. What’s that?”
“Zytharros,” a stern, royal voice spoke. “You aren’t supposed to tell anyone that outside of the bearers of the Elements of Harmony.”
I looked back at Princess Celestia. She had landed her chariot near my landing point.
“Celestia, no disrespect intended, but this is not the time to tell me who to reveal information to!” I exclaimed. “My only ally besides you stands in front of me. The other six are captured and held in Ponyville, likely doing for Crystal Fist what Tangerine Hopes did for her. I’m going to make use of whomever I deem of help to get them back, and if that means telling them information I’m ‘supposed’-” I pantomimed quotes with a hoof “-to keep secret, then I will.”
Celestia growled, her face contorting into the anger of one unused to being defied. Never in a thousand years had she been opposed like that!
“The Elements of Harmony are useless in their current state,” I said. “I don’t know how or where, but I’m going to find a way to help. You and Derpy are currently my only options, unless you present me with another source of assistance. However, your mission is to see that the threat of Crystal Fist remains isolated to Ponyville, if I’m not mistaken?”
The Princess nodded, still a little bitter I had let the information out and had already determined my course of action without her guidance.
“Until you can come up with a better plan than this one, or can produce alternate Elements of Harmony, this is the only route open to me,” I continued. “Furthermore, Derpy and I have nowhere to go, and I figure we may as well try our hand at saving Equestria together. If you’re not going to help, then we will spend our days wandering the land until we find a place to settle, find what we’re seeking, or keel over and die.”
Derpy smiled expectantly at the thought of adventure.
Celestia sighed. “I always knew I had brought over a stubborn one…” she said. “…Okay. Let’s go to Canterlot, first. I have a special secret section of the library not even Twilight knew about on dimensional travel. There may be some answers in there.”
“Thank you,” I said. “I’m not leaving my friends hanging, especially your prized student Twilight.”
At that, Celestia grew cross. We mounted her chariot and took off.
“When you put it that way, Zytharros…” she said, “time becomes of the highest essence.”
We took off, heading directly for Canterlot Castle. Unfortunately, the threat had expanded and eclipsed Canterlot. Celestia’s countenance faltered, hope briefly lost to the depressing scenery. After a few minutes of just hovering in place, thinking of our next step, she remembered something.
“There is an old castle in Fillydelphia,” she recalled. “Before Canterlot was built over a millennium and a half ago, we used that as the royal seat. At the time, it was called Canterdam.”
“What’s with Equestria’s heads-of-state having a fascination with the word ‘canter’?” I suddenly blurted as we about-faced and took off for the city.
She blushed. “That’s… um… our secret…”
I chuckled nervously, rolling into an “O-o-o-o… kay… not touching that one…”
Derpy chuckled. “So, I don’t quite understand this ‘dimensional travel’ business,” she said.
I looked at Celestia and she simply sighed. “Alright, Zytharros… you’ve told her everything else, you might as well tell her that, too…”
I turned to Derpy, reiterating some of the stuff Twilight and I had learned on our two major research runs last time I was in town. “All worlds not in the same universe exist on a plane of reality running parallel to one another, usually linked in the form of art, animation, or, in the case of my world, computer generation. Dimensional travel is the ability to warp between layers of reality. This kind of travel is an art few can use, and even fewer can master. I’ll be the first to admit I know nothing of its finer points. Thanks to the Princess I’m able to pass through the barrier and visit. The barrier, which I have termed the ‘fifth wall’, that is, the barrier to the point of full interaction between audience and media, is the final breach point between worlds.”
Derpy nodded silently, taking it all in.
“I must admit, I wasn’t completely honest with you about my origins, and I apologize, but at the time it was a necessary evil. Truthfully, I come from Earth, not Appleford, as you may have heard. I am a human by nature, initially summoned to Equestria to help with what turned out to be the original attack by Tangerine Hopes. Appleford is actually a fictional city I made up using the name of a city called Abbotsford back on Earth, which is known for its large raspberry fields.”
“Actually, that’s not exactly true,” Celestia said, chuckling. “Though you may not have known this, it was wise for you to pick the name Appleford and claim it to be known for raspberries. It’s a small city well-known for its raspberries here in Equestria as well." She continued smiling. "It’s kind of funny that we would have a parallel city famous for identical things.”
I smirked. “Again, my thoughts play an irony on my experiences.”
“Wow…” Derpy put her head down in thought. I looked back, concerned.
“What’s up?” I asked.
She looked at me. “I could’ve kept that secret.”
I nodded. “I agree, but at the time, I was new to Ponyville and didn’t know who I could trust.”
The blonde one nodded. “I understand. In order for your mission to operate effectively, you needed to keep your origins as secret as you could.”
The cart fell silent for a couple seconds as we proceeded to Fillydelphia.
“Very well,” Derpy spoke.
Celestia and I turned back to the gray and blonde mare.
“I guess I should tell you something as well,” she said.
I looked at her questioningly.
Derpy spoke again. “Remember that fan fiction that called me Bright Eyes?”
I nodded. “Vaguely, yes.”
“I hate that author!!” she screamed. Celestia and I flinched away at the suddenly-animated bubble-marked pegasus. “I hate that name!! That name’s used by ponies who can’t accept me for me! I am Derpy Hooves, not Bright Eyes…” She stomped a hoof. “Princesses… that one always annoys me…”
“Why?” I asked, recalling pieces of the fanfic in question. “It seemed like a nice name. The story was well-thought-out, too.”
“Bright Eyes was what the teachers in my school called me to get my classmates to stop making fun of me,” she said. “It became a teacher’s-pet-type tease, and put even more focus on my wonky eye than I felt was necessary. I know they tried to help me feel good, but when you’re already self-conscious of your eye and ponies give you a name that emphasizes your weird eye even more…” she screamed. “It’s like rubbing salt in a wound, then pouring lava on the salty wound, especially with what Hasbro and Apple did to me… they made me wear an artificial lens and screw up my voice for the scene retake… I’ll never forgive them for that…”
“I am Derpy Hooves!” she proclaimed. “That is who I am! I’ll even accept Ditzy Doo, ‘cuz, let’s face it, I’m a bit of a ditz at times… but Bright Eyes!?” She facehoofed, growling. “Turn my cutie mark into a buckin’ target, why don’cha?!”
Okay, so she wasn't as offended by Ditzy Doo as I had thought. I smiled. “I’ll be sure to let the Brony community know, but I doubt you’ll stop the people who like your name as Bright Eyes.”
“I know…” she sighed, letting the last of her frustration subside. She smiled. “That’s about the only problem I have with the Earth fans, though. Most of them are pretty funny… especially those that keep pairing Rainbow Dash with her friends when she’s no marebian. She’s got a crush on Soarin’, but she’s too much of a chicken to make any moves.”
My eyes bugged out. “How do you know that?”
“She orders every Playmare magazine with Soarin’ on the cover…” Derpy absentmindedly let slip. Her eyes bugged out and she blushed. “Uh… that’s… a mailmare confidential… uh…”
Celestia blushed and I burst out laughing.
I waved at her. “Don’t worry,” I said. “That’s one hundred percent not leaving this cart.” I hummed an old childhood tease song… Soarin’ and Dashie, sittin’ in a tree… then burst out laughing again. Celestia joined me as she recognized the tune as well. Eventually, Derpy let out a small chuckle of her own.
“She stopped ordering them six months ago, though…” Derpy said. “I’ll bet that’s when she lost interest in the Wonderbolts… Soarin’s looked prinn…” she slipped quietly into some random unintelligible again as her cheeks flushed red, her thoughts occupied with an image in her mind... Soarin', no doubt.
We continued chatting all the way to Phillydelphia, near a full afternoon of flight away.
After several hours of flight, we landed at Fillydelphia’s Canterdam Castle. It was half the size of any building around it, but one could tell it still held a sizable amount of reverie in the hearts of Equestrians. The grounds were kept immaculate just in case the Princesses needed to use it.
As we flew over the city, I noticed that it appeared to have developed out from the original castle. A lot of older buildings surrounded the palace, with more modern, taller buildings smattered between those as history had made room for progress. The architecture was an interesting hodgepodge of styles, though most of them I was foreign to, for obvious reasons. There were four different walls, built at various points in world history, which the city had continually eclipsed as it had expanded. These created a sort of roughshod target layout, centering on the small castle. Celestia went off about explaining each of the “stages of Fillydelphia” and as we landed Derpy and I learned more about the city than we ever cared to. It was obvious Fillydelphia held a strong place in Her Majesty’s heart.
I was struck by Canterdam Castle’s relative simplicity compared to Canterlot’s. The building looked like a simple three-storey mansion. Its outside wall enclosed an area barely the size of the capital’s castle footprint, never mind the expansive grounds. The small towers were uninspired and bland, their purpose strictly defined. Many old nicks and cuts told me this castle had been attacked several times, which Celestia confirmed by pointing out some mismatched stones, patchwork, and points of repair either she or Princess Luna had completed over the castle’s lifetime.
We walked through the main doors into an open foyer with a golden double staircase. Violet and deep blue striped wallpaper accented with gold trim patterned the walls. A red carpet rested on the white-and-violet-tiled floor. Miscellaneous portraits hung on the wall of various Earth ponies, pegasi, and unicorns from Equestria’s history, including the Council of the Founding Twelve. The focus of the room, however, was a large, yin-yang-style painting of the sun and moon, with the faces of two people the Princess identified as the Regal Parents facing each other, flanking the fused pictures of sun and moon.
“Your parents had the same role you and your sister do?” I asked.
The mare with the self-winded mane nodded. “They were among the very first settlers to Equestria, the first to take up the roles of the sun and moon, and the first to settle here, in Fillydelphia.”
“How did the city’s name change?” our bubble-flanked companion asked.
Celestia replied, “On the eve of my coronation, after my father, the original riser of the sun, had passed on…”
“You’re not immortal!?” Derpy asked, surprised.
Celestia chuckled. “No. Nobody’s immortal. Actually, to be honest, I’m about as grown as I will get for my family.” She suddenly grew downcast. “I’ve been so busy with my duties I don’t have time for dates… It’s one of my great shames, actually.”
I smiled and patted her shoulder. “You’ll find one eventually.”
The Princess smiled sadly. “Yes, yes, I know…”
Derpy and I exchanged concerned glances. I had already tried to encourage a couple of my friends to try going out with each other and both times the relationships didn’t work. I could offer no help to her in this regard, nor was I about to try.
I cleared my throat. “Continue about your parents, please.”
Celestia resumed her regal stature and composure, continuing her tale as we walked through Canterdam Castle. “Yes, I apologize… when my father had passed on and our coronation took place, we were finishing construction on a new castle at Canterlot, which at the time was a sleepy mountain village. Four years later, we completed the castle and moved the royal seat to Canterlot. At that point, we allowed the citizens to name their city. It took a bit of time for them to decide… some liked Canterdam, but most wanted it changed. Eventually, after Discord attacked the first time, the city agreed to call itself Fillydelphia.
During the attack, the city’s mares could birth nothing but fillies, then nothing but colts, then nothing but fillies. Eventually, the fillies began to outnumber almost every other pony in the city, so the citizens suggested Fillydelphia as a means of attracting young families with colts from filly-shortaged areas.”
I raised an eyebrow. “So… the whole reason it’s Fillydelphia is…”
Celestia nodded, confirming my thoughts of an entirely sexual nature for the name. I choked on my spittle in shock.
“That’s…” I said.
Derpy pantomimed barfing. “…gross!” she said.
Celestia replied, “We… left it to a citizen’s vote and vowed not to interfere… whatever the consequence.”
We arrived at another library. The Princess nodded towards the books. “If your answers weren’t in Canterlot or Ponyville, they will most certainly be here.”
“You’ve got some strange citizens, C.” I said, shortening the Princess’ name to an almost insulting informal length.
The Princess didn’t mind. “It certainly has been an interesting two millennia, I’ll give it that.” She turned, walking out of the castle. “You might want to get started on that tomorrow. I have to go get the sun set now… I’m late as it is.”
We nodded as the Princess left us behind, letting the staff of the Castle know we would be her guests for the foreseeable future. Derpy and I spent a bit of time exploring Her Majesty’s old digs before finding some relatively new beds to set down in for the night, feeding off what we were served for supper.
I had never had a need for Twilight’s intelligent, witty conversation more than that night. I had a lot to go through, and no one except Derpy to bounce it off of. I realized where my thoughts were going and quickly shut them out of my head, both out of disgust that I would think of Derpy as a less-than-intelligent pony, and out of embarrassment that seductive Twilight pictures were popping up randomly in my mind... Thanks, Fillydelphia...
This was going to be a long adventure.
It seemed confusion was the order of the night – my dreams were as disjointed and nonsensical as a Discord-controlled Equestria.