//------------------------------// // Tea, Cookies, and Discord // Story: The Tea Party // by MeowthRocket //------------------------------// ----------------------------------------------------- It took all of an hour for him to get dressed and fly down to the sublet of Ponyville where Fluttershy's cottage, its yellow glimmering walls, its overcoat of a leafy roof and its wooden swing door giving it altogether the appearance of a fairy tale grotto, rested amidst a small forest of trees and birdhouses. He'd only been there a couple of times and usually.... the results of said visit were rather painful. First time he'd cracked his skull on a branch and the second was the reason he'd fastened a makeshift cup out of a strainer bowl and a metal tray onto his crotch. The songs of all the hummingbirds, bluejays, and chickadees filled his ears like a symphony from Mother Nature himself. In the few months he'd been in Equestria, he'd learned that Fluttershy, while not a complete recluse in any sense of the word, still often identified more with her animal friends than she did the sentient ones, the irony of the whole situation lost. He'd considered asking if she'd been tested for Asperger's Syndrome sometime, since he knew that one of the biggest characteristics of the disorder was having more empathy towards creatures than people... or in this case other ponies. But he didn't want to offend her, knowing that she was extremely sensitive to the point where even the slightest prank or slight could unnerve her... even though she was getting confidence lessons from Rainbow Dash and a minotaur by the name of Iron Will. Masking a yawn, Josh rubbed his eye and knocked on the door leading into the cottage, a soft voice calling out to him. "We're inside!" He reached out to open the door when he felt a tug on his sweats. He didn't even need to turn to know who it was, soon feeling a brush of wind rise up from the swing of a spade.... But this time, a loud GONG filled the air and, when Josh turned around, the door opening at the sound, they all found themselves staring as a visibly shaking Angel Bunny, the reverb kickback from his garden tool connecting with the scroto-shield. With a grim laugh, he lightly patted his crotch and walked over to Angel, the rabbit on all fours trying to regain composure. "Josh????", Rarity called out from the doorway, "What was that noise???" "Trick Gilda taught me.", he remarked before turning to Angel, "Now that you know I'm protected, you're not gonna try that again, are you? I said I was sorry, end of story." The rabbit, through his double vision, barely managed a nod and crawled unsteadily into the cottage, Josh following in behind him. In the front room of Fluttershy's garden paradise was a large round table set up and all of their group sitting around in anticipation. To see Twilight Sparkle, Meowth, and Applejack among the sitters brought a small grin to his face. "I thought this was just gonna be a small gathering, Shy!", he remarked, crossing his arms over his chest. "Well..", Fluttershy blushed, "When they heard who was attending, they wanted to be here." "And no offense darlin'...", Applejack spoke up, "But we ain't talkin' bout you." "That honestly alarms me a small bit.", he admitted before looking around, "So.... should I get a chair or something?" "Um... not yet...", Fluttershy shook her head, "First I'd like you to meet someone special...." She turned and called out to the kitchen entrance, "Okay, you can come out now!" What emerged from the large arched alcove was something out of a Kipling or Sendak book, those two names immediately coming to mind. It was a large animal creature, about 6 feet in stature with a very lanky build. It looked like a mishmash of assorted animal limbs and parts, from its pony and gila monster legs to its lion and chicken paws, it was like someone had reached into a box of assorted animal leftovers and gone to work like a mad scientist. Its brown chest, baring a lone blue wing along its midriff was similar to that of Gilda, it's tail a fine magenta with a puff of white at the tip. The head..... he didn't know WHAT animal comprised its face, looking thin like a zebra or giraffe, but with the build of an elder ram. A white tuft of hair hung down from its chin, a lone fang sparkling in the sunlight. As if to top of the icing on the weirdness pie rested a pair of mismatched antlers, one thin as a broken twig and the other bulky and stocked like a crunched up tube of toothpaste. "So.. I finally meet the infamous "Lone Human of Equestria.", it smirked in a voice akin to that of a very sly and sneaky individual sizing up his next plot for world domination, "I assume you're Joshua?" Josh didn't say a single word, he couldn't. He felt all words seeming to fail him right then and there. "...................................." He stood there in gaped silence, opening and closing his mouth almost autonomously for almost 5 minutes as the ponies and Meowth all struggled to hold back laughter. "Well c'mon boy!", the creature remarked, its large yellow and red eyes focusing in on him, "Say something! Surely you've encountered a fine and elegant Draconequus like me before! In a town like this, it's as normal as buying milk!" Josh just stood there for another couple of minutes before FINALLY managing to stammer out a reply. "This.... this is a joke, right? That's Pinkie Pie in a costume or something, right??" "But I'm right here!", the pink pony remarked from her seat next to Rarity, "Aren't I?" "I assure you I am quite real indeed.", the Draconequus scoffed as if affronted by the accusation, "Some of my tricks may seem unreal, but I am 100% in the flesh!" "Although we ain't too sure how much of that IS flesh!", Meowth cracked. "So c'mon!", it insisted, "You don't want to come off as rude to our hostess do you? Extend a greeting!" Josh just stared at the creature and his first impulse was to tear open the door and run like the devil himself was on his heels. Ponies were one thing, dragons another, gryffins... even that seemed plausible.... but this... this... this monstrosity.... it was making his flesh tinge like red hot pincers were digging into the tissues and nerves. But he knew he had to say something, anything.... just to break the tension that was filling the room. He knew fainting was out of the question, as were screams and profanities. "I'm.... I'm.... yeah.... I'm Joshua....", he managed to quaver out, his voice shaken and cold, as he extended a trembling hand out and watched the Draconequus approach him. "Nicely done.", it remaked, grasping Josh's hand with its chicken talon and giving it a firm shake. "Who..... who..... who or WHAT... in the holy hell ARE you?!" The swear seemed to erupt from his mouth almost involuntarily. "My name... is Discord. My job is the former Spirit of Chaos. You could say I'm a fair bit of a shapeshifting element.", it spoke with a tone of pride in its voice like it was announcing having won for student body president, "Perhaps in time you'll even get the honor of seeing some of what I can do." Seeing the wink in Discord's face, Josh felt the temptation to turn and get the hell outta dodge come up again, an urge to scream rising up his gorge like water through a hose. By now, all the ponies could see he was paling dangerously and immediately they began to wonder if they'd pushed his level of belief a bit too far. Hurriedly, Pinkie Pie got up and helped Josh into a small red chair, similar to that of a folding stool. "C'mon now. Just take a seat." Josh barely managed to get out a nod before Discord snapped his fingers and soon several trays of sandwiches, cookies, cheeses, even vegetables appeared on the large table before them all, the ponies all oohing and cheering. The Draconequus just stood there, a look of pleasure on his visage as the equines and feline marveled in all the snacks prepared before them. On one tray sat a mountain of sandwiches of various types; monte cristos, butter and jellys, reubens, bread-and-topping combos of every conceivable type resting stacked atop one another like edible bricks in a wall. A similar situation could be said for the other plates, various treats of all shapes, sizes, textures, tangs, and tastes piling up like minature landfills. Complimenting the trays of foodables were large pitchers of milk, tea, lemonade, even ice water. Altogether it looked like a small indoor picnic! "Ya ponies sure know how ta do tea parties!", Meowth marveled as he reached for a tuna melt. "Tea parties, block parties, house parties, we do it all!", Pinkie Pie cheered, taking a hoof full of sugar cookies and devouring them as Discord took a seat between Josh and Rarity. "So tell me.", Discord remarked, clasping his mismatched hands, "What exactly has happened involving this young man? Anything I should be aware of?" Rainbow Dash took a wedge of swiss before she started, "Hoo boy, do we have a LOT to tell you!" "Well go ahead. I'm all ears." "Well, first he gets brought in here at Celestia's guidance, then he's here for less than a day before getting attacked by a group of bigoted nutjobs... almost as bad as those Changelings!" "Yech....", Twilight Sparkle grimaced as she hoofed her face in chagrin, "Don't remind me. I STILL have trouble looking Cadence in the eye!" "You didn't know...", Fluttershy assured her, "Chrysalis was a pretty convincing doppleganger." "But she was such a meanie!", Pinkie Pie insisted, wiping the last of the sugar from her mouth, "Bashing the decorations, criticizing the cake, calling us pathetic... SHE TURNED DOWN MY SPECIAL TOFFEE CAKE!" "Wow....", Meowth remarked, swallowing his mouthful, "Sounds like a bit more than just a meanie." "Oh that's nothing compared to Sombra!", Rarity added, "He tried to destroy an empire JUST FOR THE SAKE OF EVIL! How nasty can you get?!" "I know!", Twilight agreed, drinking from her glass of lemonade, "But yeah, after that, he was given a set of wings by Luna!" "Just like that??", Discord asked in mock affront, "If I'd known she was that giving, I'D have asked for better wings!" "Little more complicated than that.", Applejack glared, "Josh... well... Remember how you tried to turn us against each other?" A mixture of nostalgic bliss and shame merged in Discord's mind as he remembered his first time freed of the stone cell that he'd been forced to call his home thanks to Princess Celestia. Since he'd become friends with Fluttershy, the one part of that whole ordeal that he was still coming to terms with was that he had, in an essence, mind-raped the Elements of Harmony; an act that was normally punishable by a swift execution, being one of the few things Princess Celestia truly and utterly loathed. "Yeah?" "Well..", Applejack sighed, "Least you didn't try to cremate any of us." At this, Discord actually looked a little horrified. "Where's the fun in doing that?! I live for chaos, not genocide!" "Yeah, well these brutes...", Rarity continued, "Left him strung up to die. Made poor Fluttershy violently sick and nearly gave Dash a stroke." "Enough! Eugh!", Discord cut her off, "That's just..... stop!" Rarity shirked in her seat, equally as uncomfortable at having to bring up the memory. "Ponies copying my outfits I can get over, rejection I can get over... but, how do you get over that!?" "Same way Granny Smith got over that tonic that Flim and Flam tried to pawn on us... Is it just me or do they seem to try and scam mah family in particular??? First the cider, then that sugar water!" Pinkie Pie just patted the fellow earth pony on her back in comfort. "Sad truth is, as much as your family has done to help Ponyville...", Twilight sadly remarked, "Some ponies can't look past the cowpony's drawl to see what they're capable of." "Stereotypes...", Rarity grumbled, "Makes me sick to my stomach." "Anyways..", Rainbow Dash continued, "Then Celestia found out what they did and banished them altogether! It was SOOOOO funny watching some of them sputter!" "She EXILED them?!", Discord gasped, "I didn't think she BELIEVED in that!" "She doesn't like to resort to it, but filling fillies full of hate and indoctrinating them to try and slay anypony or anyone different than them.... She didn't think a sin like that was even conceivable!" Hearing Princess Twilights words, Discord just sighed in dismay. "Bigotry.... an evil I utterly hated. If everypony was the same, the world would be a boring and desolate place.... not even habitable for Draconequus like me." "Yeah......", Rainbow Dash sighed, "And Miss Harshwhinny's brother was one of the ones involved.... she was already strict and stoic before, but after that, she grew incredibly dour... She doesn't even know that I'm WITH Josh... I worry if I tell her, her head'll explode or something!" "Funny, I never took you to be much of the worrying sort.", Discord replied with a slight smirk ebbing on his fanged face. "Drop it...", the pegasus glared, taking in a big mouthful of a BLT and glaring at him, her cheeks bulging full of bacon, lettuce, tomato, dressing, and bread "Then we ran into this creepo named Champagne.", Pinkie Pie continued the story, "Had the gall to call Dashie-Dash and Applejack Daniels pathetic and weak!" "First off, please don't call me Applejack Daniels...", Applejack spoke up, taking a swig from her glass of water, "It was hard enough explaining to Bloom some of the choice words that Champagne was using, hay if I'm able to explain to her that Hardshell's named a drink with cider, vodka, and lime after me!" This actually made a fair few of the ponies start to snicker. "I think Hardshell was trying to do you an honor and didn't quite think it through.", Rarity remarked in between supressed giggles, "Heaven knows we've done that at least once.... Tickets to that musical you had to miss..." "Desperate to throw the perfect slumber party..." "Trying to make it so I was the only party planner in Ponyville..." "Trying to do Applebucking Season all on my own..." "Tagging along with Darring-Do and nearly leading to her end..." "The whole pet debacle..." This one made all the ponies, Meowth, Discord, and even Josh look at Fluttershy in a little surprise. "Whatever HAPPENED to Tank anyway??", Applejack asked, scratching her ear. "Fluttershy's watching over him.", Rainbow Dash explained, "It's kinda hard to have a tortoise living in the clouds without constantly thinking he'll tumble off and nail somepony in the head." "Aeschylus..." The murmur from the human caught the attention of the group around him as Josh slowly removed his jacket, talking almost absently. "Aeschwho?", Applejack asked. "Bless you.", Discord joked, getting a slight chuckle from Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie. "Aeschylus. One of my teachers in high school talked about him as a great Athenian writer... He had that happen to him, turtle falling on his head..." "Ow....", Discord winced, "Guessing it didn't end well?" Josh cast a look at Discord, still trying to comprehend what was seated next to him. "He got hit with a flipping turtle, what do you think?" In response, Meowth hummed a small funeral dirge. "Exactly..." Fluttershy could sense the conversation was getting a little terse, so she moved it along. "So then Dashie and Applejack got invested in this eating contest, wanting to show him what they were made of..." "So then, Granny Smith made them this big feast and Rainbow Dash barfed all over Rarity!" The way Pinkie Pie said this was a little too exuberant and almost as soon as she finished speaking she realized her error, although Discord was too busy laughing to notice. "She WHAT?!", he gasped in between peals. Dash and Rarity looked away from each other, rubbing their forehooves in what looked like syncronized shame. "Lost her cookies in the hallway.... Ah lost mine in the bathroom...", Applejack grimaced, "Not exactly a good time for anyone involved. But the day got worse when Rarity kinda..... well..." The voice that emerged from Rarity Alison Belle was one of sheer regret. "I.... attacked them. Made Fluttershy and Pinkie cry.... made my sister cry......" Josh looked away as well, his jacket still halfway on his body, hanging haphazardly. "I.... saw red and did something pretty awful....", he whispered. "I kinda des-", Rarity started to say, but Josh's terse voice cut her off in a tone that was almost screaming for her to drop it "No. You. Didn't. I. Screwed. Up.", he said haltingly, a faint twince in his good eye. Fluttershy nodded solemnly, remembering when she, herself, had lambasted Rarity and Pinkie Pie and made both of them cry. Twilight read the inflection immediately and took the initiative. "So after that, there was this big interview at this bratwurst place and.....". The alicorn went silent, almost afraid to say what happened next. "And what??", Discord asked. "..........Josh..... died." Rainbow Dash managed to croak this out with a violent shudder, the horrible memory still in her mind. "That.... that creep.... broke his face open.... electrocuted him and cracked his skull...." Discord paused in disbelief. "Little dramatic and hard to believe." Josh gave him a deathly glare. "I don't know what the fuck you are and you're calling THAT nonsense!?" "I'm just saying!", the Draconequus asserted, "Death is death! If you died, how are you sitting here?!" "Gilda and Zecora...", Dash continued, "They had this special holy water.... It brought him back...." "Water?!", Discord shouted, "COME ON, NOW YOU'RE JUST MESSING WITH ME!" "Ask Gilda sometime!". Meowth snarled, "She saw EVERYTHING!" "Girls, I've done unspeakable and bizarre things to you, but that borders on levels of chaos even I would never dare to touch!!!!!" "It gets worse...", Pinkie Pie muttered, "Champagne bribed someone at the paper to write a false report and paint Josh to look like he was some sort of----" "Please... stop." Josh looked at his hands for a second before looking up at them.... his voice shaky and strained, as if even saying the words was hurting him inside. "I don't want to relive any more of this... hell I was away for a month so I could FORGET!!!" Josh stood up, shaking back his sadness, and looked at Discord through a bleary eye. "Just... enough..." "But...", Discord spoke, an unusually timid tone to his words, "I'm just trying to find out what's going on...." "It's simple. Champagne was a... a.... a bastard... He led to me doing some demented things, hurting ponies that I loved.... and in the end.... he got what he deserved." "So he lost the contest?", Discord raised a bushy eyebrow, "Doesn't sound like much of a punishment." "No... he lost more than that...", Twilight replied, seeing the teenager shaking from the memories roaring back, "He lost way more than that...." Josh took a deep breath before he spoke, letting all his thoughts and feelings collect into one synergy before he put them into sound. "The Hell he is enduring... is his penance. A penance for the lives he destroyed, the sins he has committed..... Death for him would have been too lenient.... No, we want him to live a LONG, LONG life.... we want to see him have to watch us flourish and prosper, time passing all around him, until the day comes when his mane turns to gray and he passes from this eternity a broken and bitter old mule. It is what he wrought, it is what he deserves!" Everyone, even Discord, was looking on sheer astonishment at the teen now on his feet, a blaze in his eye almost seeming to pop his remaining eyeball out of its socket. "Discord.... You're a former spirit of disharmony and anarachy, right?", he whispered in a voice devoid of emotion. "Yeah... I was...", the creature replied, curious to where the human being was going with this. "You want to know WHY I'm so skeptical of you even real, even though I've accepted EVERYTHING else about this... this.... THIS INSANE SITUATION I'm in!? It's not that I don't believe you exist.... It's that I don't WANT to believe you exist... I don't want to believe there was a higher power that had a role in all that happened... that I was MEANT to be mutilated physically AND mentally.... Because.... honestly if that's the case.... how I'm not trying to slit your lanky feathery throat is a miracle!" "Josh...", Rainbow Dash soothed her lover, "It's ok.... he didn't have a hoof in any of it." "He wasn't even alive when you first came here! He was in that statue!" Hearing Pinkie Pie's words, Discord glared at her. "Thank you for bringing up an old wound of my one... But she's right. Even if I had been able to use my powers, I would never have done some of the artocities that Celestia told me about the other day." This made everypony gasp in surprise. "You.. KNEW!?", Twilight asked in disbelief, "You knew about what happened and you made him relive it??" "Twilight... Twilight... Twilight...", Discord clucked his tongue, "I needed to hear it from a second source... I needed to know it actually happened. Funny thing about being a statue, you're woefully unaware of ANYTHING of the outside world... and I know your princess, honorable as she is, can sometimes get a little..... carried away in the truth." Josh pursed his lips, but sat down in acknowledgement as Discord continued. "Even at my most wicked, even at my peak, I would never do trick or magic that could lead to somepony actually DYING. My main goal was to amuse myself at the expense of others and make Equestria a little more.... entertaining. Brainwashing ponies to go against each other is one thing..... but to coerce a pony to commit murder and rape.... I would just as soon go back into that HELL of a stone prison than allow myself to even be PART of something so.... barbaric!" The look in Discord's eyes almost seemed.... genuine. Every pony in the room felt themselves actually gain a little sense of respect for the trickster, all knowing where he was coming from and even Josh's anger seemed to die a little. "When she told me about your friends injuries, I couldn't even believe such evil was FATHOMABLE outside of Tirek... and last I checked, he had a life sentence in that otherworld prison you ponies trapped him in!" Rarity nodded at this, "Hopefully he'll be rotting there for a very long time." "Hopefully..", Discord agreed, "But that is not the point....." The Draconequus put his talon onto Josh's jacketed shoulder, an action that made the teen grimace slightly. "I would never even CONTEMPLATE doing something akin to what you were involved in." "And considering your own list of felonies..... Making me uneat an apple..." "Making me fall in love with a boulder..." "Making me abandon my friends..." "Causing my home to get destroyed..." "Nearly CRIPPLING all of Equestria..." "ALRIGHT!", Discord shouted, "We get it!" "Sometimes I wonder if you do...", Rainbow Dash remarked, casting a wary eye on him, "Half the time you appear, I'm still expecting you to try turning one of us into a puppet or something!" Discord just sighed in sheer frustration. "We've gotten WAY off track, haven't we?" "A bit, yes....", Fluttershy replied. "So come on...", he insisted, "This is supposed to be a party, right? A little meet and greet... so why are we just sitting and brooding over the past? If we don't get over our thens.... how can we make better nows?" A weird silence filled the room as the occupants all just stared at him in a mix of disbelief and surprise. "Can't rightly say I ever imagined you saying something like that.", Applejack admitted. "Yeah, well when you have someone like Fluttershy trying to keep you on the straight and narrow, it gives you a good amount of time to think." The next few minutes were spent enjoying the snacks and exchanging pleasantries. Even Josh managed to take in one of the cookies, leaning back and allowing the rest of his jacket to slide off. That... was when the snickering and titters started. It began small, Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash giving a few snorts as they looked at the human. Then Applejack found herself having to suppress a laugh herself... and soon nearly the entire table was covering their mouths, trying to stem the flow of mirth that wanted to erupt, leaving Josh and Discord looking at each other, then at the ponies. "Anyone care to enlighten us on the joke?", Discord asked. "Yeah, do I have something on my face?", Josh added. "No... *snrk* More like.....", Rarity struggled to get the words out through suppressed giggles... "More like...." "Something more on your shirt...", Applejack sputtered. Josh and Discord looked at his top, the lime green fabric, the black lettering, the red arrow.... Then the laughter came out in full force as the two males realized what was so funny. Discord had been sitting in the exact position as indicated by Josh's "I'm with Stupid." arrow and it was only with the other half of his thick black covering falling to the floor that the full of the insinuation came out as Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Meowth, and Twilight Sparkle burst into such a roar of laughter that they nearly all collapsed. Dashie was on the ground with Fluttershy, both of the pegasi holding their sides, Pinkie Pie was cleaning up the milk she'd spat out from her snout, Meowth and Rarity were laughing so hard they had tears pouring down their cheeks, Applejack was pounding on the table in loud guffaws and Twilight Sparkle.... The same Twilight Sparkle who prided herself on her calm demeanor, her stoneface in the arms of adversity, her unwillingness to break under pressure...... Was laughing so hard that she had passed out. Discord just looked at the shirt, a smirk slowly ebbing onto his face. "Looks like I'm Stupid...... touche'." And at this, even Josh had to give a sheepish little grin.