//------------------------------// // Muffin My Way Into Your Heart (Edited) // Story: The Baker and The Mailmare // by Eggtaro //------------------------------// My name.... is Saucy Sauce. Strange I know. I get that all the time. Trust me. If I get a bit every time somepony tells me that, I'll be richer than Filthy Rich. The only currency here in Equestria is bits. Round, gold-coloured coins that control the economy. Not only is it extremely important, it is vital for survival. And I always find myself lacking of it. Finding work in Ponyville can be a cruel and difficult thing. If I'm lucky, Applejack will have some chores that needs doing. But that means breaking my legs trying to buck them apples off them trees. Do I look like a pony to you, Applejack? Oh right... If you are a pony reading this, don't bother cracking your brains trying to figure out what I mean by that. Unless you have spotted me somewhere before in Ponyville. Then you'll definitely get what I'm trying to say here. If you're human then...Hello! Saucy Sauce here. Currently stuck in a magical land filled with fire-breathing dragons, rude griffins, and talking ponies. Woohoo! Equestria rocks! Now, if you still dunno what I am. Let me put it right here for you. I'll even colour it for you, here. I'm a human. Equestria doesn't really get that many visitors from Earth. According to some history books in Sparkle's library, humans did appear in Equestria before, just many, many, many years ago. Walking on two legs and extremely 'intelligent', humans were once considered a threat to ponies. They were so dangerous, an order was given out to wipe them out. Order 66. No I'm just joking about the order part. That never really happened. Humans come and go in this world. Randomly, it seems. Just like how I got here. Randomly, and suddenly. It's been like how long now? I dunno. I stopped counting a long time ago. Anyway...getting really off track there. I've been stuck in Ponyville for quite some time now, and I'm really considered lucky to actually survive here for this long. Odd jobs can really help you out a lot in a place like this. I get paid quite a sum every time I help a random pony out. (Or maybe my appearance intimidates them. Who knows?) I got a nice little place to which I can call home. It has everything I need. Well, except giving me an actual steady job. I don't mind working odd jobs; but after doing it for so long, it's getting a bit old. I kinda miss my job back on Earth. So...after paying a nice hefty sum to a very pleased looking pony. I'm now the proud owner of Saucy Sauce's Bakery Shop or SSBS for short. It's got all the equipments and utensils that I'll need to properly run and operate a bakery shop. I used to work as a baker back on Earth. I love baking. Breads, cakes, pastries. You name it! I can bake quite a huge variety. It's my passion and my love. There is one problem though. Although I am quite confident in my baking skills, no pony has shown up to buy something from me. Well, if you open up shop next to the Cakes and Pinkie Pie. Something like this was to be expected. It's impossible to steal someone else's business if they had been doing it longer than you. Oh, and being a pony is an added bonus too. I can manage handling the bakery shop on my own (I got plenty of time, obviously). Every morning, I bake a nice batch of pastries and breads that I was hoping they'll attract somepony to come in. They only customers that did come in though, were dust and flies. Pinkie was nice enough to visit me, and she even complimented me on my baking skills. She probably offer me a job at Sugar Cube Corner, but I highly doubt the Cakes will allow that. So...here we are right now. I'm a human who's living in Ponyville. I have a home, and my own bakery shop. Business is terrible. And I have no idea what to do next with my life. I don't think I can keep this shop open for long if I don't get any cash rolling in it. I needed some sort of game plan. Something to help me with my sales. Somethi--- DING! Whoa. Hold on. My muffins are done. * * * * * * And I'm back. Sorry to keep you waiting. My blueberry muffins are sure to be a great hit! They were one of the best sellers back when I was at Earth. I finally got the ingredients I need to make them (Blueberries are surprisingly hard to get). You might think that my muffins won't be any different than the ones at SCC. Ha! Well, you're wrong! Whoever or whatever that is reading this. My muffins are the BOMB! They contain a SPECI---no wait--- SECRET ingredient! An ingredient so amazingly tasty, an ingredient so insanely delightful. You'll be SHOCKED to discover what it is. What? You want me to tell you? I don't really mind. Come closer... the secret ingredient is--- KAAAAPOOOOOOM!!! What the heck was that? Did any of you guys heard that? Oh, wait. Of course you can't. I'm such an idiot. Somepony---or something--- has just crashed into my shop. I better go take a look. You'll stay with me, right? Of course you will. Is not like you have any other choice. Here I go. Oh fudge. My muffins. My fresh batch of blueberry muffins is gone. Vanished into thin air. Like POOF!. The muffins are no longer sitting on the table. This can't be good. And what is up with all these envelopes? And parcels? Did the entire post office crash landed into my shop? My floors are completely covered in them. Envelopes of all shapes and colours can be found in almost every corner of my shop. And those parcels. Sweet Celestia. They look heavy. What in the name of all that is poofy going on here? I'm at a loss for words. Am I supposed to be expecting mail? Do all these mails here belong to me? That's a lot of--- Oh, look. A rolling muffin. There it goes, rolling down the floor, minding it's own business. Oh! And there goes a pony after it. Just look at that pony, chasing after that rolling muffin. What a--- "HEY! STOP YOU THIEF!" There's a freaking thief in my shop! And its stealing my muffins! Not for long it won't. I made a mad dash at the pony, grabbing both its hind legs as I got close to it. "Hooo!" said the thief, as I lifted it up. Humans in this world are very tall. We tower over them ponies like as if they were ants. Well, not that tall. Not King-Kong tall. You know King-Kong right? Big ape, grabbed some chick, climbed a tower, and got shot dead? If you are a pony, come visit me. I'll tell you the story of Kong. Anyway, what does 'Hooo!' mean? Does this pony thinks its an owl? Oh. No wonder the pony said that. Its face is stuffed full of my muffins. It probably can't talk properly. Just...stay there for a moment while I get a good look at the muffin thief. This pony...this pegasus pony, seems...familiar. It's not really that hard to know everypony there is to know in Ponyville. I mean, this place isn't exactly Russia, or China. Sooner or later, you'll start to recognize everyone here. And they you. Especially if you're me. Hoo-man, they called me. Anyway, this pegasus thief has a light greyish-coloured coat, and the colour of its mane is a pale yellow. There are plenty of ponies who shares that description. Their cutie marks are often the best way to recognize somepony. I don't bother memorizing all of them though. I know Celestia is Celestia, for example. (Sunbutt). The one thing that does stands out for this pegasus, however, is the eyes. Which were wall-eyed. There is only one pegasus in the entire town of Ponyville that has that feature. And she's right here. Stuffing her face with my muffins. "Derpy?"