“I have a boyfriend!”
There are many stupid things I have heard Taco Head say in my long life, but none are quite as stupid as what she just said.
“Sonata, that is literally the stupidest thing you've ever said.”
While she doesn’t seem to be as angry as me, Fearless Leader seems to be somewhat irritated by Lady Braindead.
“And how is getting a boyfriend going to help us restore our magic power?”
“I don’t care! Honestly, I’m just so happy! Dusky is so cute and smart and kind and nice and-”
“Seriously,” I say, “You’re the worst.”
“Well, if I’m the worst, then why do I have a boyfriend while you’re all alone?”
Okay, now I swear I’m going to smack Madame Le Worst so hard she’ll be banished back to Equestria.
“Ooh, burn!”
And, now that I think of it, Evil Miss Frizzle too.
“Because boys are stupid, ugly, and they only keep you around because they want to take care of their needs.”
“What needs?”
“Oh, you know exactly what I’m talking about.”
Now Ditzerella looks at me like I’ve been speaking nothing but crystalese for the past hour. Honestly, do we have to give her ‘the talk’ for the hundredth time?
“Sorry, I got nothing.”
Mr. Palm, meet Lady Face.
“You know, I never thought I’d say this, but I think you’re jealous of Sonata.”
I glare at Her Smugness hoping that she’ll miraculously vaporize. No luck.
“I am not jealous!”
“You’re jelly because I have a boyfriend and you are all alone!”
Okay, there’s only one solution to this stupidity.
“You know what?” I say. “Why don’t you take me to meet this so-called boyfriend of yours. Then I can show you how stupid he is, you can break up with him, and we can both get on with our lives.”
“Oh, I’m never gonna break up with Dusky! He’s too awesome to break up with!”
“Whatever. Are you going to take me to him, or do I have to break your nose?”
“Fine,” Brainless Blue says as she rolls her eyes. “I’ll introduce you. But don’t cry when I say I told you so.”
I give her a sadistic smirk as she begins to lead the way. Then, I turn to Cheese-for-hair.
“When we come back, Sonata’s not gonna have a boyfriend anymore.”
“If you honestly believe that, then you’re a bigger idiot than her.”
Oh, she did not.
“Fifty bucks says you’re the idiot here.”
She raises an eyebrow, then smiles.
“Make that a hundred.”
“Done!”
I can’t help but giggle as I walk away. Before the end of this day, Tweedledum will be alone, and Tweedledee will have given me a hundred bucks. Nothing can possibly ruin this.
I follow Smurfette into the cafeteria, not caring about the angry glares that we’re currently getting. After the Battle Of The Bands, every student seems to hate us almost as intensely as I hate Sonata. Indeed, I’m surprised that we haven’t been expelled from the school yet.
Then again, they let Sunny D stay even after she turned into a duplicate of Tirek’s mother and tried to take over the world, so maybe they’re just dumb like that.
“Dusky!”
My thoughts are interrupted as Taco-Lover tackles a guy. At first, I just groan to myself, hoping I can get this over with so that we can both get on with the miserable excuse for a life we now have.
However, the moment I lay eyes on her boyfriend, I freeze upon realizing some pretty shocking things.
First off, he bears a striking resemblance to the lead singer of the Rainbloopers (who was supposedly the Princess from Equestria). His purple skin, his hair, his clothes… yeah, he looks like a male version of Twibright Sparkster.
Secondly… he is cuuute!
“Dusky, this is my sister Aria!”
Oh no. He’s looking at me! He’s stretching out his hand!
“Hello, Aria. I’m Dusk Shine.”
One would think that having part of my idiot sister’s name would make me hate him, but I…
Snap out of it, Aria! Say something!
“I’m Aria Blaze.”
Augh!
“Excuse me?” he says. “I didn’t quite catch that.”
I try to speak, but somehow, I can’t seem to be able to say anything. Dusk Shine keeps looking at me, hoping that I’ll say something, anything.
“Aw, don’t worry, Dusky. Aria is just freaked out because she thinks boys only want girls around to fulfill their needs, though she never told me what needs those are.”
Dusk Shine looks at me with a weird look.
“I’m not sure if I should be offended or freaked out right now.”
“Don’t worry, Dusky! I won’t let her do anything to you!”
Just to emphasize this, her Taconess holds her boyfriend’s arm and snuggles up to him. As she does this, I feel this weird sensation overcoming me. It’s not that much different than the blinding hate I usually feel towards my two stupid sisters, along with pretty much everyone else, but it also carries a sense of longing, sort of like the kind I often feel for the home that I lost so many years ago.
Oh, almighty Lord Hasbro. It’s envy.
“Well, since you’re busy making weird faces, I think Dusk and I are gonna go now. We’ve got a whole lot of fun stuff to do!”
And just like that, Sister Stupidest takes Handsome Sir Dusk away from me. As they walk, he briefly turns back to look at me with a worried expression on his face. I’m not sure why he’d be worried, though; I mean, he’s got his stupid girlfriend, so why would he-
Oh, of course! He doesn’t want to be with her! Who would ever want to be stuck with such an unbelievable pile of stupidity? The way he was looking at me, he wanted me to notice and rescue him!
Yes! He wants to be with me! It is destiny!
Do not fret, my handsome prince! I shall rescue you!
...That’s not how this whole “Damsel in Distress” thing works.
Ah, who cares. I’ll get Dusk to notice me, he’ll break up with Dumbelina, and we’ll live happily ever after!
Mission Log #1: Target in sight, sharing a slurpee with Taco Brain. Taco Brain is currently speaking about something. What it is doesn’t matter, because it is being said by Taco Brain. Target seems to be laughing along with her, though it could just as likely be a bodily response to the disgustingness of having to share a slurpee that has been contaminated by Taco Brain.
I move out of the bush that is concealing me, quickly jumping into an empty trashcan. I then slowly push the lid up in order to see what is happening.
Taco Brain and Target are now eating popcorn together. Target eats at a much slower rate than Taco Brain; clearly Target is not happy.
“Shall we go, then?” asks Dusk Shine.
“Yeperoni!” says the Queen of Idiocy. “Just let me throw this away!”
With almost no warning, she begins to move towards my hiding place. I begin to panic, and pray to Hasbro that she won’t notice me in my trash can.
Miraculously, she doesn’t see me as she lifts the lid off. Unfortunately, this also means that she never notices where the slurpee cup falls.
“Okay! Let’s go!”
Miss Trashy quickly runs back to her boyfriend, leaving me with a faceful of blue slurpee.
When all this is over, I am going to roundhouse kick her so hard that Chuck Norris will beg me for mercy.
Mission Log #2: Target skating at ice rink along with Taco Brain. Target skates gracefully, as if skating were what he’d always been destined to be. The way Target slides across the ice, barely needing to adjust at all, is like poetry in motion. He is so hot that the ice should be melting around him.
Taco Brain, on the other hand, seems unable to move more than a few inches without falling on her face. For that reason, she is gripping the walls tightly. Her inability to properly skate is a clear sign of her inferiority and incompatibility with Target.
I smirk as I put on a pair of skates. I’ve never really skated before, but how hard could it be? I mean, Clumsonata can’t skate to save her life, but that’s because she’s an idiot. Why Dusk is wasting his time with her is beyond me.
Before I head out into the rink, I put on a few extra touches. After all, even if I get rid of Taco Siren, it’ll do me no good if Dusk thinks I’m responsible for anything (which I’m not). Besides, if they recognize me, they might get suspicious of my intentions.
First of all, I hide my hair under a plain black wig. I’ve always been amazed at how our hoodies can hide the insane amount of hair we have, and it appears that this wig can do the same. It’s like my hair still has magic in it or something.
Then I put on a mask. Even if I didn’t want to conceal my identity, I sure don’t want anyone to see my beautiful face covered in dried-up slurpee. And besides, I like this mask. With its smug grin, curved mustache, and goatee, it has a certain defiance to it that appeals to me.
I hear that this sort of mask is much more popular on the other side of the ocean. Something about November Fifth and gunpowder. Oh well, it’s not important.
I make my way to the stake rink, ready to show Dusk just how unsuitable his taco-snarfing girlfriend is. Once that's done, I'll be able to swoop in and comfort him and take him for my own!
I enter the rink and place my feet on the ice. It's time to take Tacorella down!
Then, I begin to slip on the ice. I quickly grab the wall to avoid falling. I must admit I'm surprised that I fell over so easily. Still, it was probably just a fluke. I'm glad I'm wearing a mask, because it would have been embarrassing to have anyone see me. Especially those two.
Any way, time to take-
WAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHHH!!!
Sonata gasped as she finally managed to skate a few feet on her own.
"Dusky! I did it!"
Dusk smiled at her as he held out his arms.
"I told you you could do it," he said. "You just need to practice a bit, and soon you'll get the hang of-"
"WAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHHH!!!"
Sonata jumped into Dusk's arms as she was nearly run over by a masked figure that was skating out of control. As he held her, they watched the skater scream as she (it sounded like a she, at least) fell headfirst, sliding across the ice and whacking into the nearest wall.
For a moment, the two stared dumbfounded. Everything around the rink seemed to have come to a halt at the sight of the biggest epic fail they had ever seen.
Finally, Sonata spoke.
"Dusky? Did we just almost get run over by some crazy masked person?"
Realizing that there was absolutely nothing he could possibly say that could make the current situation make sense, Dusk simply remained silent.
Well, at least I learned that ice skating is really freaking hard.
Also, I broke my nose. And my mask.
Fortunately, I have another one ready to go. This one is of a character from a cartoon that Miss Marechild watches sometimes. Unlike her, I'm too mature to be distracted by such childish forms of entertainment.
...Okay, maybe I watch it too every once in a while.
Anyway, it's some sort of turtle thing with a red mask. It's kind of ironic that they made a mask of something that wears a mask, but as long as it conceals my identity, I'm all for it.
Mission Log #3: Target and Taco Brain have entered local library. Target seems to be taking a keen interest in several books, and therefore seems to be intellectual. Taco Brain seems to be interested as well, though it is most likely an attempt to seem like a better match for Target than she actually is.
All right. All I need to do is distract Princess Dumbestia long enough to get her to lose interest in Dusk. It shouldn't be too hard, really; someone with her level of intelligence is unlikely to be very interested in books. Seriously, the only person or pony in this world or the other that I can think of who could be less of an egghead is that rainbow-haired girl from the Rainblows.
It's such an ingenious plan that I indulge in some maniacal laughter just for fun.
"Quiet!" some old geezer says. "This is a library!"
Whatever. It's not like libraries are important or anything.
I approach the table where Siren Dummy and Dusk are reading together. Well, he's reading, at least. Knowing her, she's probably struggling to stay awake. Which, of course, will make this much easier.
Hiding behind a stack of books, I toss a crumpled up piece of paper straight towards the big fat blue ponytail. It misses. I toss another one, which does hit her, but she doesn't seem to notice. The third one hits her in the shoulder, and she finally seems to notice. But to my frustration, she simply brushes it off.
Now I'm getting really angry. It's like Stupata is actually interested in those stupid books or something. So I start chucking a whole bunch of crumpled up bits of paper at her, hoping that the sheer number of them will manage to get her attention. No luck. She keeps shrugging them off. In my frustration, I grab a book from the pile to toss at her.
A book from the bottom of the pile.
The next thing I know, an entire stack of books is heading straight for my face.
I yell out as they fall on top of me, knocking me down and piling on top of me. At least one of them hits me in the right eye. When the literary avalanche has ended, all I can see is a bunch of pages of various textbooks that made a deal to gang up on the first slacker dumb enough to cross them.
If I never have another chemistry lesson, it will be too soon.
"Dusky!" I hear Bluebrain say. "Someone just got attacked by a bunch of books!"
Oh, Hasbro, no. They're coming towards me. I need to get away from them before they can realize who I am and what I'm doing here!
These books make it really hard to move, though.
Oh no. They're taking the books off of me! Maybe if I punch them when they get the last one off me I can surprise them long enough to get out of here.
My eye hurts like Tartarus, though.
Okay, now they've gotten me out. They seem to be looking around me, searching for any injury. Fortunately, aside from my eye, everything seems to be all right so I'm hopeful that they'll leave me alone-
"I think she has a black eye!"
...Son of a-
Dream wrecker and her boyfriend stare at me as I sit across them at a table in the mall. I have a bag of ice over my eye and a bunch of bandages on my nose. None of us have said a word, and there is absolutely no way I'm changing that.
"So..." Dusk begins. "What exactly were you doing in the library?"
Nope. I am not going to dignify that with an answer.
"Dusky was helping me become smarter so you and Dagi don't have to keep thinking of me as the stupid one."
"I already told you, Sonata, you're not dumb. You just have a unique way of seeing the world."
"Aww, thanks Senpai!"
Never in my life have I wanted to smack Ditzus Maximus more than I want to right now.
"But seriously, though. Why were you behind Dusky and me at the library? You don't care so much about books, do you?"
I scowl at her before mumbling something.
"Sorry Ari. Can't hear that!"
"I want your boyfriend."
"Ari? I think those books must have done something to your voice."
At this point, any measure of self-control I had goes on vacation.
"I WANT YOUR BOYFRIEND!!!"
I then launch myself straight towards Miss Imbecile, all thoughts of rational behavior gone from my mind. Unfortunately, in the split second it takes me to leap across the table she manages to dodge, causing me to smash into a pink-haired girl and tumble onto the floor.
As the world around me stops spinning, I notice something odd; the girl's backpack has fallen next to me, and a small, fluffy white rabbit is now sitting on top of my face. Even disregarding the fact that someone is dumb enough to bring their pets into a mall, I'm in no mood to deal with this.
"Get off me, fuzzbrain!"
The dumb rabbit does a bit of huffing, like it's angry or something. Not that it matters, because it's too dumb to realize I insulted it. It then begins to turn away to leave.
Wait.
Why is it lifting its tail?
Oh. That’s why.
OH DEAR LORD HASBRO NO!!!
I close the door behind me, too exhausted to bother slamming it like I usually do. I then walk towards the bathroom, intent on getting rid of all the... stuff.
And then I'll probably sleep in for the next three days.
"Why hello there, Aria."
Oh joy. Cheese head is here too.
"Why is your face covered in chocolate?"
I can't tell if she's mocking me or not, so I just keep walking.
"So, I'm guessing you owe me a hundred dollars?"
I scream out in frustration.