//------------------------------// // How to Punch a Fish? // Story: On the Corner of Straight and Narrow // by Tatsurou //------------------------------// Sam, Max, and Trixie returned home from their world tour of punching everyone in the world in the head to dehypnotize them with a relaxed air about themselves. "That was a fun trip," Trixie said easily. "Trixie especially liked all the shooting at the peace summit." "Speaking of," Sam added, "congratulations on another successful one, Mr. President." "Don't thank me!" Max replied happily, pulling out his gun. "Thank the peacemaker." Sam chuckled. "You crack me up little brain salad in a blender!" His musing was interrupted by his shout. "Mr. Spatula!" "The fish?" Trixie asked in confusion. "Look at him!" Sam pointed out. "I know we haven't been paying much attention to him, but I never thought it would come to this!" "Uhh..." Max queried, expressing his confusion. "That insouciant fin flapping," Sam explained. "That glassy, malevolent stare, like a sociopath or a Fox newscaster. Mr. Spatula has become...pure evil!" "So does that mean he becomes Trixie's dinner?" Trixie asked. After dehypnotizing all of Japan, she had developed a taste for Sushi...especially since the entire country worshiped her as a Kilin, and an omen of prosperity and serenity. "Just as soon as Sam does the honors," Max replied happily, having enjoyed seeing Trixie develop a taste for flesh. "Sam, eliminate him," he ordered, drawing his finger across his throat. As Sam drew his gun, however, Trixie heard something charging. Turning, she saw Maimtron 9000 aiming his laser at her. As it fired, her magic flared. A shield surrounded all three of them, deflecting the laser into the wall. Behind the hole, Trixie saw a human with black hair and a grey beard beating someone up on the other side of the wall. "Flint Paper!" Max gasped in shock. "Hey fellas!" he replied happily. "What's the rumpus? Say, I'm in the middle of some very sensitive PI business," he said, gesturing to the man he was beating up. "And we respect your sensitivity," Sam replied happily. "Hey, you haven't met Trixie yet!" Max proclaimed eagerly. "You mean the little pony your mechanical goon is trying to kill?" Flint asked, pointing. Maimtron 9000 was still trying to zap Trixie with his laser, but it continued to bounce off the shield she'd conjured, wrecking the town in the process. "When did her magic get that strong?" Max wondered. "Probably a side effect of channeling the entire psychic potential of the whole planet during her Bliss related temper tantrum," Sam suggested. "Hey Maimtron!" Max yelled, not really caring about Sam's explanation since greater power for the Great and Powerful Trixie just made logical sense to Max. "Why are you trying to kill Trixie?" "Destroy the impostor," Maimtron proclaimed. "Destroy the impostor." "Impostor?" Sam asked in confusion. "What do you mean?" Trixie demanded. "I'm Trixie!" "I have been commissioned by GaP Trixie to destroy FaP Trixie," Maimtron explained, its voice monotone and robotic as always, "so the real GaP Trixie can please step out, please step out, please step out." "FaP Trixie?" Sam asked, confused. "The Fake and Pitiful Trixie," Maimtron explained. "Yeah, that does sound like something you'd dictate," Max pointed out. "How come we didn't sic Maimtron on all the hypnotized people while taking a vacation, then?" Trixie demanded. "Because that would have ended with you grounded for life," Sam countered, resulting in Trixie pouting. "But why are you targeting the Great and Powerful Trixie, then?" Max demanded. "Don't ever let me hear you say I want it that way," Maimtron replied, slipping song lyrics into his speech as was his wont. "That is the FaP Trixie." As Trixie started to sputter with rage, Sam spoke up. "If that's the FaP Trixie, then who is the GaP Trixie?" "Swim this way, we'll dance and we'll play," Maimtron replied, glancing at the water cooler turned fish tank. "Mr. Spatula?" Max asked in shock. "That's why he's turned evil!" Sam proclaimed. "He never got dehypnotized from believing he was Trixie after what happened with the Blissification! But when we didn't treat him like Trixie, he became convinced Trixie was an impostor! Max, why didn't you dehypnotize him?" "I tried, Sam!" Max proclaimed. "But how do you punch a fish, anyway?" "All you need to understand is everything you know is wrong!" Trixie suddenly shouted at Maimtron. "If I'm gonna beatcha, then I'm gonna teacha," Maimtron replied, lowering his weapons. "Explain the flaws in my logic." Sam and Max stared at Trixie in surprise. "Huh?" they asked in shock. "Mama taught me to speak Maimtron Command Prompt," Trixie explained. "I told you it would come in useful," Jane replied from the goggles. Trixie turned back to Maimtron. "A song from me to you?" "Simple six string music," Maimtron agreed. "Will the real GaP Trixie please step out?" Trixie offered. "Please step out, please step out," Maimtron confirmed. Trixie waved a hoof at Mr. Spatula's fins. "Walk like an Egyptian?" "All the cops in the donut shop say: way-oh-way-oh-way-ooo-aaa-ooo!" Maimtron agreed. He then paused, his eyes whirling. "Logic error processed. A fish cannot step out. FaP Trixie identified." Lifting his arm, he turned towards Mr. Spatula. "You better believe, I've got tricks up my sleeve," he intoned, several weapons popping out of his arm. "See me dominate, because I'm powerful and great." Maimtron proceeded to obliterate Mr. Spatula. "Umm...translation?" Sam asked. "Once Maimtron accepted that the rap was about the real Trixie, he was able to use the lyrics to define her qualities," Jane explained. "Mr. Spatula didn't meet the description, and was therefor an impostor." "What have I done? What have I done?" Maimtron asked, quoting a song. "I have attacked my own sister. I have violated my primary protocol." "Your primary protocol?" Sam asked, surprised. "Protocol one: Love Trixie. Protocol two: obey Father. Protocol three: Destroy." Maimtron sat down. "I know not what I shall do now. And so close to Christmas..." Maimtron's voice trailed off as he shut down to contemplate. Trixie gasped. "Trixie hasn't sent Santa her letter!" "Then we'll just give it to him in person!" Max proclaimed. "Get the keys Sam!" Sam smiled. "To the North Pole we go!"