The afternoon passes quickly as Twilight and Co. insist on showing me all of Ponyville--well, they can't show me anything, but I know what they mean. I meet a ton of ponies whose names I can't remember, smell and taste a ton of things I wish I could see. It's not a bad time, I have to admit. And if nothing else, it shows me one thing: Twi and her friends are seriously tight. They don't just enjoy each other's company, they're also a team. The boys back at Douglass High are very well coached, if I say so myself--but if they were as close as this bunch, we'd have won a state championship by now.
Our late lunch is definitely the highlight. We stop at the market square, the kind of place I didn't have back home, and I swear I never ate fruit or vegetables that tasted so good. Maybe being a pony has something to do with it, maybe not, but I'm learning not to sweat the difference.
"Wow," I sigh after finishing the last carrot. "I tell ya, if my ex made vegetables like this I would've made it home every night."
There it is again, that "everypony is staring at me" feeling.
"What?" I protest.
"Nothing, dear," Rarity sounds like she just swallowed something whole. "Nothing at all."
"Look, I told you guys I'm not really a girl or an underage pony. We've established this, right?"
"Just give 'em a little more time, Jay," Rainbow chuckles. Even she sounds a bit uncomfortable.
"Besides, don't tell me that none of you are married."
Silence. A few coughs here and there.
I raise an eyebrow. "Dating?"
An embarrassed squeak from Fluttershy's direction. A shuffling of hooves.
"None of you?" I ask incredulously. Nothing bugs me like young people who overuse the word "awkward" and act like they're entitled to be totally comfortable 24/7, but this really is awkward.
"W-well, I do see the odd gentlecolt here and there, but not at the moment," Rarity finally speaks up.
Everypony else quickly chimes in with reasons. "Too busy flying. You know how it is." "I'm too busy flyin' too. I mean, um, workin'." "How can you have a party with just two ponies? Bo-ring!" "Squeak..."
"Twilight?" I turn to her.
"It's complicated, Jay."
"What kind of complicated? You don't mean you guys are, like..." I touch my front hooves together.
"No, no!! N-not that!" Twilight says in a shrill voice. Damn, I can practically hear them all blushing. "I mean, we just haven't met the right stallions yet. I'm sure, when we're ready..."
"Fair enough. I guess it's none of my business," I glance down. "Can't say you're missing very much."
Rarity is beginning to seem interested. "Why do you say that?"
Best not to bother them with the details of my lovelife. What are they going to do, offer advice?
“…Never mind, it’s not important. Isn’t it almost time to meet the princesses?”
Twilight sounds mortified. “Oh, no!”
“Good thinking, kid. How could you tell?” That’s Rainbow.
“Easy. The sun isn’t as warm as it was and I hear less ponies out on the streets. And since you said there would be no clouds today, let alone storms…”
“Point taken. Okay Twi, just relax. Let’s find that fancy hot air balloon of yours and get going.”
Twilight is not relaxing. “The balloon?! Oh no oh no oh no…where is it? Where did I leave it? Where did—oh. I remember!”
“Twilight. Don’t--”
Buzz. SIZZLE. Plop.
My nerves are screaming, my head is spinning a mile a minute, and the ground under my hooves suddenly feels different. That…was not fun.
I think I’m going to be sick.
Update: I am now being sick.
“Twilight, how could you? You know she isn’t used to teleporting!” Rarity protests amid similar remarks from the others.
"I...I just wasn't…well, I panicked," she says lamely.
Fluttershy touches my shoulder. “You poor thing! Are you going to be all right?”
“Sure, no sweat,” I rasp. I raise a front leg in an attempt to wave it off. Unfortunately, I lose my balance and almost fall into my own mess. Fluttershy catches me just in time. “Digestive fluids, yes, but no sweat. Thanks.”
“Are you sure? I can take you straight back to the library if you want. I know Princess Celestia would understand…”
I burst into a coughing fit and take a moment to recover. Is a teleportation spell that uncomfortable or was Snowdrop just really delicate? Could be both. “No. I want to talk to the princesses and get this meeting over with. Anyone got a mint or something?”
Rarity obliges. It’s a mint leaf, but it’s better than nothing. I brush off any further questions about my health as we climb into the basket. Twilight activates something with her magic and it begins to rise. I feel a familiar stab of envy as all the other ponies exclaim over the great view. The swaying of the balloon doesn’t make my stomach feel any better, either. Better to get my mind off it. I take a moment to chat with someone, anyone.
“Who’s there?” I ask the pony next to me in a low voice.
“It's me, sugarcube.”
"So Applejack...it really doesn't bother you that I look just like Snowdrop?"
She's more than willing to talk. "Course not. Why should it?"
"Well, everypony I've met since I got here felt some way about it. Except for you, that is."
"Heck, appearances ain't everything. When I was a little filly and my family got together, they were always mistakin' me for Caramel Apple, Apple Cobbler, Gala Appleby and all my other cousins and it drove me plumb crazy. Truth be told, it was one of the reasons I went to stay with my relatives in the Orange family for a while. Nopony mistook me for another Apple in Manehattan."
Twilight jumps in. "And now you're one of the Elements of Harmony! I bet they all remember you now."
"Don't ask me," Rainbow Dash says confidently. "I would've been famous anyway."
"The most famous public nuisance in Ponyville, maybe," Applejack grumbles.
"Hey, don't start with me, A.J. I'm already gonna beat you at the Running of the Leaves tomorrow. Chill out and I won't make it too embarrassing for you."
Applejack takes the bait. "You couldn't beat me this year if I was pullin' a plow the whole way."
"Oh yeah? Well, I think you better stick to plowing and apple farming, 'cause racing is my world. That's why you've never beat me."
"You can't go all that fast with a swelled head, Rainbow, and that's why you never beat me either!"
"Jay, buddy, you coached other humans in your world, right? Well, do me a favor and coach Applejack there at the race tomorrow. She needs all the help she can get."
"Never you mind that, Jay. Why doncha tell Dash here how much energy she would save if she just stopped yappin' so much?"
I grin. "You know, she might have a point, Rainbow."
"What? Hey, whose side are you on?!"
"Aw, simmer down, sugarcube. You can’t blame her for backin’ the best pony."
Twilight lets out an exasperated moan. “Girls, that’s enough! I’m trying to concentrate on steering this balloon! Our meeting is at sundown, and that’s going to happen any minute. The princesses will be wondering what happened to us.”
“Look on the bright side, Twi,” I say as AJ and Dash’s argument echoes through the sky. “At least they’ll hear us coming.”
------------------------------------------------------------------------
“So,” says Princess Celestia.
“So.”
She clears her throat. Neither one of us has a clue what to say, because neither one knows what the hell they’re looking at. I see darkness where there’s supposed to be the most powerful pony in Equestria. She sees a famous friend of her sister’s whose body has been regenerated and occupied by a foul-mouthed pod person. I’m not sure we’re going to get along.
“My sister tells me you are not from this world,” she sounds slightly troubled and amused at the same time. There’s a lot of laughter in her voice, but it’s not contagious like Pinkie’s. Celestia’s voice laughs only to herself, and it puts me on edge. For all I know she could be making faces at me this whole time. “Despite resembling a very conspicuous pony from its history.”
“Not by choice, but yeah. Um, yes, Your Highness.”
“Then there is one question I must ask you.”
“Go ahead.” I shrug. A pony with an aura this intense can ask me anything she likes. And by “aura” I don’t mean that wacky new-age stuff they talk about in my world, I mean something I can feel in my bones. The same thing I felt from Luna, even though that was a dream.
“What is your favorite kind of candy?”
Not “what is your true form,” not “what are people like in your world,” not “are you a ghoul possessing my sister’s friend's body”. Sweets. I shouldn’t be surprised, really.
“Gummy worms.”
“The real Snowdrop preferred cherry sours. Even though she hated when chewy things got stuck in her teeth,” Celestia sighs. “You truly are different from her.”
Damn. I didn’t even think about that. Is there something stuck in my teeth right now? I’d better watch what I eat in the future. “I’m glad we cleared that up, Your Majesty.”
I doubt the Princess herself cares about formalities, but Twilight will probably have a heart attack if I don’t use them. It’s already obvious that she worships this pony.
Bad news, in my opinion. Celestia’s too tough to read. Never attach yourself to someone if you don’t really know who they are. I’m glad to be going with Luna instead. She’s old-fashioned and kind of crazy, but she feels more…human, if that makes any sense.
“I must admit that even I was not aware of Snowdrop and Starswirl’s plans. Snowdrop was always closer with Luna, and Starswirl was…not close with anypony in particular, except for Scorpan. Although I had misgivings at first, I have received reports of very turbulent atmospheric activity from Cloudsdale, and I am satisfied that it is no coincidence.”
So far, so good.
“The things my sister sees when entering other ponies’ dreams are no coincidence, either. Therefore, I have decided to allow her to escort you to the ruins of our old castle and into the observatory. The way there will be very dangerous, particularly because you must travel through the Everfree Forest. Even with Luna as your guide, you may need additional help. Twilight Sparkle?”
“Y-yes, Princess!” Twilight pipes up behind me, always eager to please.
“You and your friends shall accompany them as well. As I’m sure you’ve heard, Mister Jay, we have had our run-ins with changelings as of late. We cannot be too careful. And, at any rate, I think you will be grateful for their company.”
Finally, somepony besides Rainbow and Spike who believes I’m a guy. I chuckle. “Yeah, Luna can be kind of…uh…”
“Yes?” The crazier princess says with intense interest.
Shit! I didn’t think she was still in the room! “Er…awesome?”
To my relief, Celestia plays along. “Yes, her…’awesomeness’ is quite well known.”
“Sister!” Luna protests.
“However, keeping in mind that she is the one you are to travel with, I shall leave all the arrangements to her.”
“I thank thee, dear sister,” Luna softens. Then she turns to me. “We shall depart the day after the Running of the Leaves. In the meantime, thy impertinence in the presence of royalty hath convinced Us that thee requires a more…basic education in Equestrian culture.”
She chuckles ominously. Celestia joins in.
I've got a bad feeling about this.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Look, I already told everyone, I’m not a real filly! I don’t need to go to school all over again!”
“This is not elementary education, Miss Jay,” Cheerilee replies. “You certainly look like a schoolfilly to me, but if the princesses are convinced that you are in fact a 37-year-old alien, that’s good enough for me.”
“Then what the he…hay am I doing in school with THEM?!” I jab my hoof in the direction of three actual fillies who have been driving me insane since I walked in the door. All they could talk about was getting their cutie marks, a concept I still haven’t wrapped my head around.
Scootaloo snickers. “Maybe you’re not as smart as you think you are.”
“Maybe Miss Cheerilee’s gonna wash your mouth out with soap like Granny Smith does!” Apple Bloom huffs.
“Maybe you’re going to teach us how to style our manes just like you!” Sweetie Belle squeaks. There’s a brief silence, like both of her friends are staring at her. “What? I really like her mane.”
Cheerilee clears her throat loudly. “Jay, you are here because no matter how much you may have learned in this ‘other world’, you know almost nothing of pony history, social studies, or hoof-reading--three fields that will be vital to your life here in Equestria. Other subjects can wait for now, but at least--”
“Hey Miss Cheerilee,” Scootaloo interrupts again. “I’m even better than her! I’m, like, a 47-year-old alien. Can I skip half my subjects, too?”
“I’m 99!” Apple Bloom adds. “Can I skip a grade?”
“I’m older than both of them put together!” Sweetie says cheerfully. "Can I go now?"
“Ponies don’t get that old, Sweetie Belle,” Scootaloo scoffs.
“I am! I’m…uh…a super-intelligent robot! I was programmed with all the knowledge in Equestria!”
I’ve heard of facedesking, but I never thought I’d do it literally. THUNK.
The teacher takes control. “Please, Sweetie, not that story again. And as for you three, you are not in class either. You are staying after because you chose to disobey my no-spitballs-allowed rule. I’m told it will take all night for Diamond Tiara to wash those out of her tail.”
“She deserves it,” Apple Bloom mutters.
“Deserves it? In your view, perhaps she does,” Cheerilee intones. “But many ponies who go dry deserve spitballs, and many who get spitballed deserve to be dry. Can you give that to them, Apple Bloom?”
She sighs. “No...”
“Then do not be too eager to deal out spittle in judgment, for even the very wise cannot see all ends. Now sit quietly.”
Grumbles from the three brats. I snicker.
“Now then, Jay, it is time to begin our first lesson about pony history. Page one of sixty…” I hear the creak of Cheerilee opening a depressingly large book. She recites: “Nopony knoweth exactly when ponykind first dideth arrive to ponify the land of Equestria, but the first records of ponyism existeth from the era of the Great Gallop, in which ponies migrateth to the southwestern part of the continent via magical pony land bridge. The three distinct species of pony already existedeth at this time, and their true origin is also a pony mystery. Earth ponies worketh the land, unicorn ponies exploreth the ether, and pegasus ponies gotteth tired of both of them and escaped to the air because flying was really awesome. In time --”
I raise my hoof. “Look, teacher lady, I know I have to take your word for it, but is this a real official textbook? Because it sounds absolutely ridiculous.”
“Now that you mention it, this is a specialized volume prepared for you by Princess Luna. If I may continue…”
My face hits the desk again. Oh, Luna, I am going to get you for this.
“…Pony pony pony eth eth pony pony eth pony pony pony eth pony eth pony…”
The fillies are laughing their heads off. Is that what she’s actually saying or is it just all I’m hearing? Whatever. I don’t care, I can’t take any more of it. “Cheerilee, as much I really appreciate Princess Luna’s generosity, I don’t think this is gonna work. I need to get back to the library and sleep, and I’ll be gone from Ponyville in two days. If you expect me to learn anything in that time, you're better off getting me a tutor or something so we can cover the basics.”
Cheerilee sounds a bit relieved as she shuts the book. “Perhaps that would be best. I’ll arrange an appointment for you with our best student after the festivities tomorrow evening.”
I hear the cutie mark demons laughing again.
“No way!”
“She’s doomed.”
“So glad I’m not her.”
Screw them. Whoever the biggest egghead in class is, they can’t be as bad as this, right?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Hurry,” I groan.
“Yeah, yeah, I’m hurrying,” Spike says irritably. I hear him fumbling with the pack. I’m too tired to open the damn thing right now, but maybe I should’ve tried anyway. He’s taking forever.
Finally I feel the telltale flash of heat, and he hands me a cigarette. The first drag feels like Christmas.
“There, ya happy?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t know what’s so great about these things,” Spike says.
I ignore him and breathe out slowly. Might as well enjoy them while I can. I imagine this tree and all of Ponyville being covered in snow. Snow everywhere, piling up so thick that earth ponies can’t shovel it, blowing so hard that pegasi can’t fly through it, and storms so volatile that unicorns can’t figure out how to stop them. It could be a reality soon enough.
Some of the smoke goes right into my face, and I wince. Why would it be going toward me? There’s no wind out here.
I turn to my right. “…SPIKE! What the hell are you doing?!”
“Trying out one of your medicine sticks,” he says carelessly. “Doesn’t taste like anything, though.”
“Give me that! Get rid of it! Stop! Humans only!”
“What’s the big deal? You can get more.”
I jump up and down in panic. “No, I can’t!”
“Okay! Fine.” He decides to get rid of it. Foomp. That felt like one big jet of fire.
I slowly relax, but chills are still crawling up my spine. “Don’t ever do that again, all right? They don’t have this kind of, uh, medicine in Equestria. When it’s gone, it’s gone. Plus, it’s pure smoke.”
He sounds unconcerned as he hands me the pack. “I’m a dragon, Jay. What I can’t figure out is how it helps you.”
“It’s complicated. Just don’t tell anyone about it. They’ll ask too many questions,” I secure the pack in my mane. My ears prick up. “Hey, what’s that noise? Sounds like Twilight crumpling paper.”
“Nah, she’s in bed,” Spike pauses a moment, then gasps. “GYAAAAAH!”
“What?!”
“Fire! The balcony! It’s on fire!”
“You idiot!” My wings flap instinctively, driving me back from the growing heat. “Put it out, quick!”
“How?! I can’t blow water!”
“Twilight! WHERE’S TWILIGHT?” Something blows right by my head as I yell this, something else with feathers. A bird?
“Go get her, Owloysius!” Spike yells. His claws grab at my hoof. “Spit it out. Hurry!”
With a sinking heart, I throw my unfinished cigarette into the roaring flames. What a great day this turned out to be.
Twilight teleports right in next to us with a sizzle and a plop. “Spike! Jay! Are you all right? Stand back.”
Something sharp and scaly bounces on top of me. Spike, either in terror or excitement, has jumped right on my back. I retreat against the wall, stumbling on too many damn legs as the alcove vibrates with magical energy. I don’t know what kind of spell can put out a fire, but I’m glad Twilight knows it. Chalk it up as one more thing I wish I could see.
The hum of the magic grows, slowly drowning out the crackle of the flames until I don’t hear them anymore. The heat is gone, too.
Finally Twilight stops. “What the heck were you two doing up here?” She’s out of breath and very upset.
I gulp. "Um…"
“Um…” Spike echoes just above me.
“Well?”
I can feel her eyes on me. What do I do? The cigarettes didn’t start the fire, but they were a factor. I take a deep breath, ready to confess everything.
“It…it was my fault, Twilight.”
I close my mouth. Spike just beat me to it.
“We were out here talking, and…uh…” he trails off, sounding nervous as hell. His claws are digging into my sides. He doesn’t want to lie to her.
I take over. “It was really me, Twi. You see, no animal can breathe fire where I come from, and I told Spike I didn’t believe he could either. He said he could, so I dared him, and...”
“I guess I overdid it.” Spike finishes.
One long, angry lecture later, Twilight goes back to bed while Spike and I have to mop up the scorched balcony floor. We work for a while without saying anything. Spike is probably having an easier time of it; I have to grip my mop with my teeth.
“Guess that’s about it,” Spike mumbles at length.
I drop my mop back into the bucket. “You know, you didn’t have to help me out back there.”
“I know.”
“Why did you?”
“’Cause if Twilight found out about…whatever those things are, she’d be mad at me for not telling her sooner?” Spike says uncertainly.
I give him a tired look. “Come on. I wasn’t born yesterday.”
“No reason! You just talk to me, that’s all.”
“Of course I talk to you. What else would I do, use telepathy? Burp a letter at you?”
“You’re really dense, you know that, Jay?” he snaps. “I mean, you TALK to me. Like I’m a real person and everything, instead of just the baby dragon who can’t do anything right. Twilight’s the only one who ever talks to me that way. And Pinkie Pie, sometimes.”
I clear my throat, feeling embarrassed. “Oh. Um…what about Rarity?”
“She’s just humoring me,” he says glumly. “No matter how many nice things I do for her, it’s always the same. I mean, I’d still rather be around her than do anything else, but…you know.”
I nod. “I see. Well…thanks.”
“Jay? You’ve been around a while, right? How do you get mares to like you?”
“You mean, women?” I shake my head slowly. “You can’t, Spike. In my experience, they either like you or they don’t.”
“Well, if they do like you, what do you do?”
I pause for a long moment to think of Beth. She was always hard to figure out. Hard to keep track of, too; she was out of the house so often. In the garden, at the store, having lunch with her friends from work. She drifted in and out so fast, sometimes all I saw was that long brown hair trailing behind her as she swept out of the room. I liked that hair. She never did cut it, even though she threatened to every time we had an argument. Which, later on, was a lot.
My mind drifts back to Spike, whose claws skritch and scratch on the floor as he waits for an answer.
“Don’t take them for granted,” I say.