//------------------------------// // Chapter Two: Two Steps from Insanity, One Dimension from Bacon // Story: Thunderstruck: The Curious Odyssey of Shaun Davis // by RandomEncounter //------------------------------// Disclaimer: We all know who owns My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Or maybe we all don't; but I can tell you I don't, cause I'm poor! Also, there is some language, and references to more adult topics. You have been warned! Thunderstruck: The Curious Odyssey of Shaun Davis Chapter Two: Two Steps from Insanity, One Dimension from Bacon Author: RandomEncounter Editors: 00Lizard and Meliron ~'.'~'.'~ I've been locked in here for far too long; I've even lost track of time. Had it been days now? Perhaps weeks? Maybe even a month or two? I have no answer to those questions. My padded cell is my home now, and I do not know if I will ever be released from here. My captors certainly believed that I was too dangerous to both myself and society at large. One good thing about a lot of alone time with nothing to do is that you have a lot of time to think. And dear god have I been thinking a lot. About what, you may ask? Well, not to delve too deeply into the philosophical, but I've been pondering the connection between reality and perception. Now, don't get those two concepts confused. What is real can never be perceived by our limited perception. Therefore, our reality, and everything that is real around us, are two very different things. Now, if… oh bother, it seems that I hear noises coming this way. Sorry guys, seems my time discussing this matter is up for the time being. Perhaps some other time, yes? I do get so lonely these days. Numerous clicking noises began to emanate from the door to my cell, and I watched with only a hint of interest as it opened. I was familiar with this routine by now. Two orderlies came into the room and, after briefly telling me what was going to happen and where I was going, I was escorted from my cell to my awaiting doctor. Oh, and the orderlies are ponies by the way. In fact, just to be clear, apparently I perceive everyone in this facility to be a pony. Now, I say that because I'm told by those very same ponies that they are in fact NOT ponies, and that I am merely perceiving them as such. So then my question for you, friend, is what does it mean when your reality is perceives everyone else around you to be a pony? If I shook the Magic Eight-ball right now, and ask it if I was insane, would all signs point to yes? They led me along the dimly lit corridors towards an awaiting doctor's office. How many times have I been led to this room? I'm not sure anymore. This is just one more trip down the same damn hallway to the same damn conclusion. A conclusion, for the life of me, I still don’t understand. We arrived at the doctor’s office after only a few moments. I’ve been told his name is Dr. Baker on numerous occasions; but damn it, I can’t see that name on a pony’s face, so I’ve come to simply call him Dr. Hooves. Creative, right? ... No? Well, what did I say about your opinion when we first met? Anyway, the doctor was sitting there as usual, not even looking up from his chart as the orderlies forced me to take a seat in front of his desk. He finally decided to look at me, though his demeanor still conveyed the apathy than I’ve come to expect from him. "Good afternoon, Mr. Davis. How are we feeling today?" Like I want to kick a horse... I sighed in annoyance, "Would be better if a talking pony wasn't asking." "Hmm, yes, I see you are still imagining everyone as a pony," said the doctor in an almost off-handed remark as he continued to look through his notes. "Well, it's hard not to when, and here's the kicker, you're a talking pony." "Shaun, I was hoping that we had been making some progress by this point in time." "I'm still here, and you're still a pony. I can't see where the problem lies with me. Maybe, and I'm just going out on a limb here, but just maybe you're the one at fault? I think you're not trying hard enough to not be a little pony. Wouldn't that make more sense?" He did not seem amused. "Hardly, Mr. Davis." Pulling out a stack of papers from his desk, he proceeded to ask, “Shall we perform another inkblot test today? “Do I have a choice?” Remain optimistic … "No,” he responded flatly. “Now tell me, what do you see here?" He pulled out a picture of Twilight Sparkle. Optimism is overrated; he's just trying to screw with my mind. "A picture of Sparky, the annoyingly curious unicorn." "Hmmm,” he scribbled a few notes down before moving on. “Tell me what you see now,” he said as he pulled out another supposed inkblot, this one a picture of Celestia. Does he even know what an inkblot looks like? "Princess Celestia, alicorn, ruler of Equestria - a land of hell, no beer, and talking ponies." He pulled up one last picture. "And... this one perhaps?" I pause for a moment at this picture, before my mouth starts to salivate and I hastily said, "A twenty-two ounce t-bone steak cooked to a perfect medium rare, with a side of loaded mashed potatoes heavy on the bacon bits, and a keg of beer to wash everything down with." The doctor looked slightly confused, then slowly turned the picture in his hand to look at it while raising a single eyebrow at my statement. ‘What the hell? Out of those three answers, this one seems the most strange to him?’ He shook his head, sighed, and took off his glasses. "I'm afraid to tell you this, Mr. Davis, but you still appear to be a very sick man." "Oh yeah? I hate to tell you this, but you still appear to be... well... your face. Which, by the way, is a pony face. Probably an ugly one by pony standards too with your luck. So suck on that, Dr. Hooves." Okay, yeah, not a great come back but I suck at those. If he was offended, he didn't show it. "I see that our more conventional methods of therapy are not going to work for you. What the staff and I think you need, and have decided on, are more drastic measures." I paused to look at him, his words sinking in and making me extremely nervous. "Err, can I say I don't like the sound of 'drastic measures' very much?" When have you ever heard that line uttered in a good sort of context... "Some of the other doctors thought simple electrical shock therapy would be sufficient; I, however, disagreed. I recommended for a frontal lobotomy, and I'm happy to say my proposal was eagerly accepted by the neurologist." 'Wait just a damn minute, did he just say lobotomy?!' "She was even gracious enough to perform the procedure immediately." I tried to stand up and run away, but I found myself somehow now bound to the chair; restraints holding my limbs where none had existed before. "Let me introduce you to your surgeon." The door opened, and in walked a familiar purple unicorn, dressed in a long white lab coat. "This here is our neurologist on staff, Dr. Twilight Sparkle." "S-Sparky? What are you doing here?" I managed to stammer out. "Why, I'm performing a lobotomy of course," said the little purple pony of nightmares in such a casual manner it was as if she were discussing the weather with me. Having said that, Sparky jumped onto my lap with a scary huge grin on her face bringing her to my eye level. She then pulled out a comically large hacksaw from behind her...though I was not laughing. "Now, you'll forgive me if I want to do a little more exploring in that skull of yours than a simple lobotomy, right? I'm just too curious at how your dissected brain looks! Let's begin right away; waiting for anesthesia would take too long!" As she brought the hacksaw closer to my head, I could only scream like a little girl and yell, "This is supposed to be a labotomy!" ~'.'~'.'~ I shot up in my bed, eyes wide open, and soaked in sweat. "AHHHHHHH!" "AHHHHH," came a feminine scream to my right. I quickly looked over and saw Sparky screaming at me. "AHHHHHHHH!" 'Why the fuck is she here?!' "AHHHHH," she screamed again, eyes wide with terror. The doors burst open as two pegasi guards galloped into the room. "Stand away from the unicorn-" "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" AHHHHHHHHHHH! "AHHHHhhhhhh... err... Shaun, why are we screaming?" I took a breath to scream again, before I paused to actually let her words sink in. Taking a moment to gather my wits, I finally found my voice again. "Well, umm... you see," I looked at the two confused pegasi in the room. They were staring at me, but spared a quick glance to Sparky, probably making sure she was alright. "Are you okay, Miss Sparkle? Did this beast hurt you?" asked one of the guards in a somewhat harsh, but clearly concerned voice. Okay, being called a beast is perhaps too much now that we know each other, guys... Sparky looked to me, then to the guards with a sheepish grin on her face. "Uh, no. Sorry about the outburst. I think we just startled one another." Their eyes darted between us before their stances finally relaxed. "Understood, Miss Sparkle. If you have ANY trouble with him, let us know." They looked at me with a stare that clearly conveyed the message of 'we're watching you, don't screw with us, we know where you live,' before stepping back outside and closing the door. With the guards gone, Sparky looked back at me hesitantly, “Err, are you okay now, Shaun?” Taking a moment to collect myself, I calmly stated, "Uh, yes, I think... and as for your previous question, I'm screaming because I have no clue why you are in here. Oh, and because your dream counterpart wanted to dissect my brain with a hacksaw." "... Uh... I... ah... huh... what?" To say Sparky looked confused would be an understatement. "I said, because I don't know why you-" "Shaun, I heard you clearly the first time," she responded in an annoyed tone rubbing her head with a hoof. She looked back to me in exasperation. "Why would you dream about me dissecting your brain... with a hacksaw?" 'Cause I think you just might want to?' "Uh... I… don't really know! But that's not the creepy part, don't you think?" I glared at her, "As far as I remember, and I wasn't wasted when I went to sleep so memory loss is off the table, but I was alone in this room. Were you here to wake me up or something?" "Well, umm... no... ," she responded, fidgeting with her hooves nervously. "Oh, okay then. Now that we've got that cleared up... then why would you be in my room while I was asleep?!" She took a moment to think, then grinned. Immediately I recognized it as 'that' grin. You know... the kind that a cars salesman or a politician always wears. In other words, I think she was about to try and sell me some piece of crap. "That can at least be explained in a perfectly logical manner. I was curious to see how a human slept, so I stayed up all night taking notes on your sleeping posture, things you said in your sleep, timing your deep sleep cycles, recording your heart rate-" "Whoa whoa whoa, wait, hold on there! Did you just basically say that you spent the night watching me, totally unaware you had snuck in here, like some kind experiment?" This... is one really messed up little pony... "That's correct," she said with a strained grin. "Staring at me... while I was asleep..." "Yes," her grin only faltered a little. "And you don’t think this is being a crazy creepy stalker beeecaauuusseee... ?" Her demeanor changed and I could see her expression go from calm to somewhat nervous while rubbing her hooves together again. "Well it is... but I assumed you wouldn't give me permission if I asked. The Princess wants me to find out as much as I can about you after all. And I also really wanted to help out my zoologist colleagues in their research on you..." "Ah, I see. Still, I don't understand how any of that doesn't make me want to get a restraining order placed on you." Been there, done that. "Do you think Princess Celestia would allow that?" she questioned somewhat smugly. Probably not... you suck, Sparky. Instead of answering her, I just glared at the little insane annoyance. At first she stared at me, then her face broke out into a strained smile, but soon enough she sighed and began to fidget with her hooves, looking very uncomfortable. "Okay, okay, I'm sorry. I know this looks bad, and admittedly it is. But you've been rather reclusive lately. You won't answer questions as readily as you first did. You won't talk about your world as much anymore. It's like... the more we try to find out, the less willing you seem to be!" "Ya know," I sighed and rubbed my head, trying to pre-empt the pain of an oncoming headache, "have you stopped to think that the big reason I've been avoiding everyone and everything as much as possible is because... oh... I don't know... maybe I'm tired of being the new thing at the zoo? It was amusing the first few hours; two weeks later and now I just want to be left alone." She rubbed the back of her head, and strained herself in an attempt to grin again. That did not look pretty. "Well, that seemed like the most obvious possibility to me which is why I went for a more subtle method of studying your behavior." "Glad to know you bypassed rational thinking, and opted instead for the 'crazy stalker that will probably end up breaking my legs so I can't get away' kind of behavior. And did you think sneaking into my room to 'observe' me was going to make the situation any better if I found out?" "I didn't think you were going to find out! You slept through my observations entirely the past three nights!" Wait ... what... the... "Uhhhh...did you just say the past three nights?!" At least she had the decency to look guilty. I sighed and rubbed my head for a moment, carefully considering my options. “Know what," I said slowly and methodically, "we’ll just move on for the time being. You are going to leave so I can get dressed. Then, we’ll talk for a while and I’ll answer some questions. Will that get you to back off a bit?” Sparky smiled, “Yes!” She once again looked a bit guilty, “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry again. Though, can I ask you a question really quick?” I sighed yet again. “Okay, but just one.” She grinned and started to shuffle through her notes. “Well, two nights ago you were talking in your sleep. Although I couldn’t make out any of the words, you were moaning quite a bit and I was wondering if you were-" “I take it back,” I cut her off after overcoming a brief few seconds of my brain shutting down. “No more questions about my dreams and none of those notes had better make it into the hands of those weirdos from Equestrian Society of Socially Awkward Stalkers.” Alright, seems that balcony and I need to have a short heart to heart talk. “But--” “No buts Sparky! Now, out!” She looked ready to continue her protests, but my stern expression told her she was not going to win this fight. I was glad that she quickly left after that. For the life of me, I wanted to be furious at her behavior. I really wanted to, in fact. Buuuuut... deep down, in the bottom of my heart, I understood that she was slightly crazy; and that I cannot be mad at someone slightly unhinged and not fear some form of bodily harm befalling me. On the plus side, she’s making me appreciate that my life before this dimensional fifty-two card pick up wasn’t so bad. In fact, it was rather pleasant looking back on everything now. I had friends, beer, a crappy job that paid for the beer... ... Hell, she's beginning to make my ex not look so bad either... ... But only slightly... As I began to get dressed, I randomly thought about Winston Smith, and if he would trade places with me if he could have. Sadly, Big Brother is starting to sound like a rather good change of pace at this point in time; at least my tormentors would be human in that case. ... Though maybe not as nice as these ponies are. But hey, at least I'd have Victory Gin in the end... And that, my friends, would be a victory in and of itself. I'll love Big Brother long time for some gin... ~'.'~'.'~ Having gotten dressed, I was escorted to breakfast at a small dining chamber in an isolated part of the castle. Sparky was already there with a smile on her face and a stack of papers, ready to resume her questioning. At least breakfast had some eggs with toast and blackberry jam to put me in a good mood. With that, I felt ready to answer her questions as earnestly and honestly as possible… "You know, you never did tell me why you insist on calling me 'Sparky,' right,” questioned the unicorn, clearly offended at my continued use of this nickname. She had insisted I begin to call her Twilight; I had insisted Sparky was fine. Have you ever watched two rams but heads? Our discussion, though not physical, was similar. Yeah, our meaningful talk didn’t last long in other words... Okay, so our promised discussion had quickly degenerated into useless squabbling. Did you honestly think that I could maintain a serious and extended conversation? Nope… I derail these talks faster than a forum troll kills a thread discussing women’s rights. "Well, I can't take the name 'Twilight Sparkle' seriously, now can I? Not when it describes a series of books and everything that is wrong with them from my world in just two words." She stared at me in annoyance. "You've already told me that before and it's annoying you won't tell me what that means! What could possibly be so bad about a series of books?" "You're better off not knowing!" I could see on her face that she was beginning to lose control. Her eyes narrowed. "Not knowing what exactly?!" I suppressed a grin as an idea presented itself. 'Let’s cast a line…' Trying to keep a straight face, I frowned at her and tersely replied, “The truth!” “What truth,” demanded Sparky rather forcefully. “I can’t tell you the truth!” “I want to know the truth,” she ground out, her calm demeanor finally giving way completely. I looked at her as seriously as I could and responded in kind, “You can't handle the truth!” She set herself up for that cheesy line... “Shaun, tell me this instant!” 'Yeeeaaahhh… noooooo…’ I looked at her smugly, then at the guards in the room. I could tell they were both amused at the scene and also annoyed at me pulling Sparky’s metaphorical tail. Oh well, at least they’ll probably pull her off of me when she decides to start strangling me. I turned to her but said nothing, instead just grinning and shaking my head no. … Hopefully they can stop her if she’s using magic to do her dirty work… I mean, they could, right? ... ... Now I'm wondering what would happen if I pulled her real tail... She looked at me, opening her mouth to respond, before deciding otherwise. For a moment there, she seemed close to a breakdown, before she closed her eyes and took a big breath. She looked at me again, this time smiled, and calmly said, “Okay, that’s fine, Shaun. Since you won’t open up to me, we’ll just go have a talk with those ‘stalkers’ you love so much.” … Damn, she’s getting better at dealing with me… I sighed dramatically. "Okay... I really didn't want to tell you this, but the horror those books unleashed on my world should not be brought into this world. There is nothing more pervasive than an idea, and the myriad of horrific ideas contained in those pages almost ushered in a new age of darkness for mankind." Okay, admittedly an overstatement, but not by much in my professionally expert-ish opinion... Sparky just stared at me with perhaps the best baffled face I had ever seen on any living being. "... What...? That sounds like you made that up, Shaun. In fact, none of that makes any sense." She's starting to understand me all too well. Damn... oh well. I looked at her, and in my most sagely tone of voice replied, "Murphy's Law, remember?" She groaned, and gave me an exasperated look before saying, "How does that even apply to this situation?!" "It just does." I grinned at her, "Sorry, Sparky, but there may be parts of my world that would go so far as to consider your name a criminal act." One can dream, can’t they? "Ugh," she brought a hoof to her head, probably trying to pre-empt the migraine I was doing my best to give her as revenge. "Do you know how impossible you are to deal with at times?!" “That’s a stupid question, Sparky,” I shot back flatly. “Of course I do. Do you know how hard you are deal with at times?” She looked as if she had just been slapped. "Me? I’m not that difficult to be around!" "Well, I take it no one... nopony has ever been your lab experiment before!" "Why would they?" she cried out in exasperation. I looked at her crossly. "Exactly, who else would know how you really are?!" "If I'm treating you as the exception, how can that be who I really am?!" she shot back indignantly. "Because," I threw my arms up into the air, "It shows that you are capable of something like this! I mean, it's innocent enough now, but it'll probably keep escalating until I wake up one day with some death trap strapped to my head and you asking me to play a game.'" By the way, you just lost the game. "... Do all humans think of such... ideas," she questioned with a look hint of bewilderment in her voice. "Do all unicorns break into a bedroom to watch someone or somepony sleep?!" "I said I'm sorry," she cried out in annoyance before she paused, a look of deep thought on her face. "Besides, I didn't break in. After all, the guards let me in, and this is Princess Celestia's home. Therefore, it logical suggests that I did not break in, and thus I technically did nothing wrong." "Except stare at me creepily for a few days while I slept..." "Well, yes," she said a bit dejectedly. I narrowed my eyes at her. "See, that's the biggest problem that you’re glos-" Our wonderful discussion was interrupted when two guard ponies entered the room, walking up to address Sparky. "Our apologies ma'am," stated one of the guards, "but the Princess has asked us to escort the human to meet with her." We both looked the guards with the same expression on our face; a look of salvation. “I suppose it's a good thing the Princess wants to talk to you," said Sparky with a hint of relief; apparently our talks were beginning to leave her nerves frazzled. "I have some reading I wanted to do from a book I found lying around last night. I’ll find you later today after the meeting, okay?” “Alright," I replied in a cheerful tone. "Just as long as by later you mean when I’m still awake.” She huffed and didn’t even grace my response with an answer as she turned to leave. I looked at the slightly confused looks on both of the guard's faces. "Yeah guys, I know what you must be thinking... but don't worry. One day the princess will take action and get her the proper drugs and medical attention." Their expressions clearly told me they were incapable of appreciating my form of humor. Instead they motioned for me to follow them, down the hallway... like in my dream... ... Well, hopefully there aren't any inkblot tests at the end of this walk. Screw you, Dr. Hooves... ~'.'~'.'~ Now that little miss brain hacker is gone and I’m mindlessly following some guards, I can fill you in on how the last two weeks of my life have been. I'd love to say that things have been great so far. I know that's what many of you want to hear. Perhaps even desperately so. I mean, I must seem more chatty than when we first met, right? That's a good sign, right? Well... sorry to once again disappoint you, but screw this place. I was wasted and hungover last time, so you didn't get the full force of Shaun's sarcasm. Now that I've been here for two weeks, I can honestly say that I would also prefer to go back to the semi-cognitive state I was in last time... In other words, it has been hell. It was moderately hell the first day. It was hell the second day. It was only slightly less hell the third day because I had more alone time. But the fourth day brought hell back with a vengeance when I was introduced to members from the Equestrian Zoology Society, courtesy of Sparky... At first they had politely insisted to 'talk' to me. I had politely declined. They politely insisted they talk to me again. I then less politely declined. They still didn't take the hint. In frustration, I gave them the middle finger. They were confused. I then gave them the other middle finger hoping for a breakthrough. They were still confused. I then sighed in defeat, and finally relented. I kept the talk simple, and told them my name, age, what bacon was and why I loved every juicy, delicious, animal slaughtering bite of it. They quickly bid me farewell after that. I was kind of sad to see them go at that point though; I didn't even get to explain to them the difference between regular awesome pig bacon, and that crap turkey bacon... Perhaps they had enough data for now though? Good for them, I still don't have any bacon. So yeah, that was day four. Hey, want to guess what day five was like? I'll give you a hint. It starts with... hell. And it also ends with... hell. There's also a lot of hell in the middle of hell and hell too. In fact, one could say that the fifth day was a gigantic hell on hell sandwich heavy on the hell... without a pickle. At least the damn pickle would have made things better... What? Don't believe me? Orrrrr... are you kind of lost at the moment? Don't worry if you are, I am too, most of the time. My psyche is more complicated and convoluted than a road map to peace in the middle east... although, at least in my mind you'll eventually get somewhere. So where were we? Day five, yeah? Could I convince you to let that one go? I would really rather skip any retelling of that story if you don't mind. I mean seriously, I don't want to think about that day to be honest. You'll have mercy right? ... No? Fiiiiiiiine, but you won't be getting a Christmas card from me this year. Or the next year either. Maybe some fruitcake though... cause you know, nothing says ‘screw you’ during Christmas more than a lump of that rock substitute! Anyway, let's get this over with. That day started out normal enough. I had finally convinced the princess the previous afternoon that I would feel better if I could shave off the almost week old beard that I was sporting by then. Although she had been reluctant at first, my assurances that my mood would improve and convincing her that I would be stupid to alienate her, for without her support I would have nowhere to go... ... What? Don't believe me to be the eloquent type, eh? Okay fine, I told her she could just look into my mind to see if I was telling the truth. She hastily, but politely, declined, though she did have a maid send me an old fashioned razor blade and some shaving soap the next morning. I was hesitant to try shaving with something like this, but I figured it would be a new experience... one of the few in this world I've had without ponies. And, you would think with that, all seemed to be looking up that day for good old Shaun Andrew Davis. But noooooo... the natural order just has to step in to remind me that from now on my life is about going from being screwed one day, to being screwed the next. ... But not in the good ‘death by snu snu’ kind of way... Apparently no one had told my unicorn keeper or the next shift of guards about me being allowed to shave. When she walked into the room and saw me holding a knife to the neck...well, let's just say some things happened. And by things, I mean the razor was magically pulled from my hand, the guards were called in, and I ended up restrained in a pony pile to 'keep me from causing myself bodily harm.' Thankfully, by some miracle, Princess Celestia decided to visit me before they finished restraining me to the bed. A few words were exchanged, apologies were made, and I was left to my own devices once again. So now, at last I was able to finally get to shaving, and all was well. ... For the next forty seconds or so... Yeah, shaving with an old-fashioned razor proved to be a bit troublesome to me. Long story short, there was an accident, a trip to the doctor's, and about nine stitches involved. Good news is they were able to ensure with a bit of magic and some wonderful salve that I would only have a very faint scar on my shin from now on. ... Yes, my shin. And no, I was not shaving my legs or anything. I just tend to drop things on accident. Okay, you know what, no, I’m not explaining that one any farther. Let’s end it by saying my parents never did trust me with sharp objects. Not after that incident with the neighbors cat... Hey! Nothing like that... and it's hair did grow back eventually... Yeah, we're moving on. No complaints! So… I’m thankful that they were able to fabricate an old-fashioned safety razor for me after this incident; although, I didn't try to shave for another week after that. Perhaps that would have been a good idea beforehand. Oh well, hindsight is a cruel bitch of a mistress. Yeah, I'm not one to believe in this whole 'it was a sign' thing. However, damn it, I should have realized then that getting out of bed would be the worst decision I would make that day. After all, what happened next could have been stopped if I had simply slept in. There was the incident later in the day of Sparky trying to recharge my iPhone after it had died. Aside from my wallet, clothes, keys...and that stick I had in my hand when the lightning struck...it had been the only other thing that had been brought here with me. The guards had emptied my pockets while I was out cold. They returned everything that morning, except the stick for some reason, once they were positive nothing was dangerous. I also made sure they knew I also didn't like the unconscious frisking, that I thankfully couldn't remember, but still found disturbing. What is it with ponies and touching me in very uncomfortable ways? Sorry, got sidetracked again. Anyway, I explained the concept of how electricity works in the human world, and what would qualify as an electrical source to power it to that incessantly curious unicorn as best I could. For always having sucked at science, I thought I had done a pretty damn good job! Well, apparently I really suck at explaining any sort of science. A few hours later Sparky came back, wanting to see if her magic was compatible with the device, and could be used as a substitute energy source since she wasn't sure of the voltage conversion between the two worlds. Against my better judgment, I allowed her to try; hell, I wanted to be able to at least listen to my music playlist. She assured me that everything would probably go right; though her assurances were undermined by the fact they were made behind an inch of safety glass. Her horn lit up and she managed to get it turned back on for a second... before it shorted out... ... Then caught fire... ... ... Followed by blowing up... ... ("Hello again investors, Cave Johnson here, just letting you know that Apeture brand iPhones do not blow up under the power of unicorn magic!") Seriously, how the hell do you make an iPhone blow up like a M-80?! I mean, I know the engineers at Apple probably never once considered making sure their phone was safe while being powered by unicorn magic, but the notion it would just go boom? I'm glad she had thought to do all of this behind cover. A chunk of my phone had embedded itself in the protective glass... right in front of my forehead. Took me a second to realize that girlish scream was not coming from Sparky… Admittedly though, death by magically induced exploding iPhone sounds unique and somewhat funny... in a strange and sickly twisted sort of way. At least my tombstone would have been interesting. Hmmm... Tombstone... Annnnnnnd now I'm thinking of pizza. A meat lover's pizza... with bacon... lots of freaking bacon... and a beer... or three. ... Damn it. I want to go home... Next on the agenda, you'll also be glad to know that I did not in fact have to redefine the word "impossible" since the last time we met; rather I merely changed what it applies to. So far, the list includes anything that would make me happy and/or give me hope in this god forsaken world of ponies... I haven't given it much thought beyond that. What's next? Oh! So, do you remember how I said that I was right about Sparky and I speaking English, and she was just being too stubborn to admit it? Weeeeeeelllllll... it seems, and it pains me to say this because that means I inadvertently mislead you, buuuuut... she was possibly right. Which conversely means that I was possibly wrong. Yeah... I know... it's all your fault you believed me. Don't worry though, I don't hold things against people and so I forgive you. We're still friends, right? ... Please? 'Bacon?' Damn it, I really need a drink... and some honest to god, dead pig meat... As for why this is the case, neither of us could come up with an acceptable answer. We couldn't explain how I got here in the first place, let alone why the two of us spoke the same language. What we could understand however, was that I apparently can't read a damn bit of their writing. Now, that does not mean I am not thankful for that fact that I can at least communicate in their spoken language; I'm sure first encounters would have otherwise been much more... confusingly entertaining. However, not being able to read has halted my one research project I had wished to start on right away. Eh? What's my goal you ask? Well, as a man who studies history, you are probably thinking something in the field of Equestrian history; and perhaps under different circumstances, you'd be right. But no, this time my project of interest lies in a field of study I am less suited for - that of science. And the subject of my scientific studies? Well, it's very simple really. I am attempting to determine if the necessary ingredients to make an alcoholic beverage exist in this world. A lofty goal, I'm sure you understand. That's right. I'm on a quest for the golden elixir of humanity in other words. Yet, now I must learn an entirely new language to even begin my search. Well... that or ask Sparky for help in my endeavors. Which would naturally mean spending more time around her. This in turn would mean, 'screw that.' When faced with such a prospect, seriously applying myself to the study of a new language sounds exhilarating. Oh, and did I mention that I am learning their language from books designed for the equivalent of toddlers at the moment? Sparky thought it would be cheapest to just use her assistant Spike's hand-me-down books. Saves everyone some time and a few bits, kicks me in the already bruised ego even more. So, I've gone from recently reading the speeches and writings of Abraham Lincoln, James Madison, John Taylor of Caroline and other great political thinkers of the American Republic, to books entitled The Very Hungry Pony or One Pony, Two Pony, Red Pony, Blue Pony. If I have to read one more damned picture book designed to teach moral values to foals, well, I will just freaking go insane! ... Now, some of you might argue that I already am crazy; and you might just be right too. But at least I know who the hell John Taylor of Caroline was; and that seems way more important to me than having my sanity. ... What? Don't judge me! Anyway, having said that, many of you may now argue that I also have my priorities badly mixed up. Well... you'll get no protest from me on that point at least. Happy? Continuing on... Topping everything off by the way, my chances of getting back home are continuing to look bleaker and bleaker each day. The princess has been kind enough to dedicate a team of researchers to examine the issue. Which is of course great, though the more I hear of their progress, the more I can only think of how retirement is like in this world. Got to plan long term with the news I'm getting... Oh, and yeah, I know some of you might think I have an alcohol problem by now. I'd like to ensure you I don't - or didn't at least. On Earth I drank to party, and occasionally, because of the ex... but only while we were still dating. But now? I feel like NOT being drunk in this world makes life feel like too much of a hassle. Some people have their anti-depressants, but hopefully I'll have my beer again. ... Okay, so maybe that does indicate I have a problem of sorts. At least I already have two known solutions: find a drink, or get home... ... Yeah, when I put it that way, it seems I have bigger problems than a possible alcohol addiction, doesn't it? Like ponies... a purple one in particular... ~'.'~'.'~ The two guards motioned for me to make a right turn leading down a hallway that ended at two large ornate doors. I assumed that this was the meeting room as I saw another pair of ponies standing guard in front of the entrance. The guards at the door looked at the three of us, and nodded. The guard to my right spoke up and said, “The Princess is expecting you. She has requested that we remain outside the door in order to meet with you privately. We... reluctantly have to accept her orders.” “Okay then... well, I guess I’ll be going in.” I took a step forward before the guard that had just spoken up blocked my path. “Allow me to mention one more thing before you go in.” He locked eyes with me and lowered his voice, “If you try anything, the Princess will of course defend herself; and then we’ll gladly drag whatever is left of you down to a nice comfy dungeon cell ourselves.” I looked around at the other guards who wore the same stern expressions; well as stern as an angry pony could look. I admit, it was somewhat intimidating, though I had to resist the urge not to laugh a bit at the same time. They probably wouldn’t like that; and hey, if things somehow went wrong, then it’s best not to annoy your future jailors. Confident that they had clearly understood their intent, the doors were opened and I was ushered inside. I saw Princess Celestia standing in front of a table that had two cups and a teapot on top of it. "Hello once again, Shaun Davis. I'm sorry that I have not been able to meet with you over the last few days, but I have been busy with preparations." "Nothing to apologize for. Though, what are the preparations about?" She waved a hoof dismissively before saying, "Oh nothing much really. Just an annual festival of sorts. Please, have a seat," she motioned to the chair across from her. "There is much I wish to talk with you about." I made my way to the table, taking in the rooms pleasant decorations before sitting down and turning to the princess, giving her a small smirk. “No guards for this little meeting?” “I did not feel the need for them,” she gave me a warm smile. “Also, I felt it best that we have a little more privacy for this conversation; I’ve noted that you seem to be a more one on one type of po… err… person. That’s the correct word, am I right?” Chuckling at her question, I simply replied, “Yeah, that’s the word. Though, are you sure you aren’t worried about the alien thing from somewhere else becoming violent?” She laughed light-heartedly in response and replied, “I do not think that will be the case from you Shaun. Though, I am sure that if you became violent, I can handle myself.” “Only because you can cheat with magic.” Damn life hackers... She chuckled at that and responded, “Says the tool user.” I smiled and laughed. “Touché. I take it you have been reading Sparky's reports on me?” Dumb question I suppose. What leader in her situation wouldn't be? It's not like she had a children's book that was more important at the moment, right? "I wouldn't be much of a ruler if I ignored regular reports on the interesting new arrival to Equestria, now would I? They have been amusing to say the least at times." She poured a cup of tea for herself before looking at me and asking, "Would you like some tea as well?" "No, thank you," I politely declined; it wasn't the type of tea I was interested in drinking at the moment. 'Long Island, my friend, how I long for you...' She nodded, levitated her cup, and took a sip tea. "I suppose we should discuss why I have brought you here, but first I would like to know how you are adjusting to this situation, Mr. Davis." Images from my dream last night played out in my mind when she called me that. "Please... err... just Shaun. Mr. Davis feels too weird when my dream world psychiatrist calls me that as well." One of her eyebrows rose slightly, before the princess shook her head and smiled. "Of course, Shaun. But only if you give me the courtesy of just Celestia while we are in private.” "Hmm, down to earth in private? I can deal with that. Much better than Sparky's approach at least," I mumbled in annoyance. Celestia shook her head, and her grin only slipped a little bit. "Yes, one of my guards reported to me on that little misunderstanding. I must admit," she paused, clearly trying to find the right words to say, "Twilight... can be a bit too worried about disappointing me at times. I try to reassure her that would seldom ever be the case, however she is young and still concerned entirely too much about what I think at times. Shaun... will you forgive my student for her foalishness?" I looked out the window and thought about everything that has happened since first arriving. "You've done a lot for me. Food, shelter, new clothes, basic necessities, and so on,” I thought for a moment, then shook my head and turned back to her with a genuine smile. “I guess I can forgive your overeager student.” The look of genuine appreciation on her face, for some reason made me happy. Though, that could be in part due to the fact that I owed her a lot as well, so the least I could do was make her smile. If she got me some bacon, I'd follow her into the depths of hell at this point even. “But,” I said, trying to feign annoyance and failing miserably, “if I wake up one day strapped to some strange machine, you'll hear about my disappointment personally." "I would expect nothing less," she said while stifling some laughter. "Now, perhaps we can get back to the initial question?" I shrugged and said, "Doing fine I guess. Well... as fine as this situation allows me to be." Celestia paused for a moment to scrutinize me, before she talked up once again, "I'm glad to hear that." For some reason, her response sounded almost forced."I have to admit, I am a bit curious about your life, Shaun," she said, the tone in her voice once again sounding relaxed and smooth, "would you mind tell me a bit about yourself?" "I really don't know where to begin," I stated hesitantly; after all, I really didn't want to go into my life's story again. Maybe some hesitation would get me out of it. "Aside from the more... colorful aspects I briefly gleaned from your memories, perhaps you could tell me about your life?" “Didn’t Sparky already report that to you?” “She did, but I would like to take the time to hear it from you; seems more personal that way,” replied the Princess with a small smile. I had a guess as to why she wanted to hear my story from me personally; cops use this trick all the time to make sure a suspect does not change their story. Moreover, if they do, well, that’s not suspicious in the least, right? Deciding to just play along with her, I thought for a moment before responding, "Not much to it really. I grew up a normal life for the most part. My mom and dad loved me, though they separated when I was around nine." "Separated?" she asked curiously. "Why?" I sighed and chuckled a bit at the same time. "They just had their differences. Dad had a problem with being unable to not cheat on mom. Mom had a problem with not wanting to break his jaw for that. Really, it's a good thing they went their separate ways... I don't think their relationship was long term material because of those factors if you want my honest opinion." "Yes," she nodded with a bit of uncertainty, "Twilight mentioned that before. I have to ask, is that… normal for your species?" "Which part?” I asked her curiously. “The divorce? The cheating? Or the female pounding the male's face in for infidelity?" Making you guys out there proud, remember, making you guys proud. At least I'm encouraging the empowerment of women, right? “How about you just enlighten me on all three?” she asked somewhat hesitantly. "Well,” I paused and thought how best to word my explanation; but eventually I just gave up. “Cheating is not really an acceptable behavior in society if that's what you are asking. Divorces seem very common. And well, getting violent is frowned upon by the law," I paused to chuckle, "hence the fact my mom was arrested for domestic abuse." I continued to explain to her my family situation. Other than the already mentioned divorce and beating, my family was relatively normal. This seemed to ease the awkwardness between the princess and I a bit. Yet, in a way I was almost disappointed I didn’t have another awkward story to tell her. I don’t have enough rope to hang myself with this time around at least... After a few minutes of talking, the Princess finally decided to interrupt me when I got to the part where I met my ex; probably a good idea on her part. "I believe that will be enough for the time being. I must admit, I find some of the events in your family’s past to be… intriguing. But, perhaps we can move onto talking less about you specifically then?" I simply shrugged my shoulders at that suggestion. "What do you want to know?" She looked thoughtful for a moment, before finally speaking up. "How shall I ask this... are all humans as... unique in their behavior as you are?" "If by you 'unique,' you mean a sarcastic smartass... err, then no. Some of us are rather enjoyable to be around." 'Though perhaps less fun...' "So, you are atypical then?" she questioned uncertainly. "Not hardly," I couldn't help but laugh at this point, "many of us enjoy the finer points of living a life of sarcasm. But truthfully? No two human is the same, so gauging humanity off me would be kind of pointless... and perhaps a bit insulting to some people... many people... okay, a lot of people." Then again, wouldn't you be honored to be judged by another species based solely upon my actions? Celestia nodded in understanding at that statement. "Yes, it would also be folly to base one's opinion on ponykind on the actions of one pony alone." She took another sip of tea before continuing on, "Twilight mentioned that you study the history of your people. Perhaps you can tell me about the history of you humans? I think I would enjoy that." I had to admit, I was rather reluctant to go over human history for the fifteenth time already, so I instead tried to weasel my way out of this situation. "That's... a lot of history to go over. We have thousands of years of knowledge, and I can honestly say that I do not know even half of it. I've already told Twilight a lot of human history, perhaps it would be best just to read her notes?" "I would rather hear you talk about your history, it's more entertaining. Would you perhaps be willing to tell me an abridged tale of humans?" Abridged? I had jokingly made the comment one time about a class teaching five-thousand years of Indian history as being abridged. She wants me to abridge ALL of human history? Well, maybe if I cut out a few things here and there... "Err... suppose I can try," I spoke a bit unsure of myself as I finally reluctantly agreed to her request. I tried to be as non-descriptively descriptive as possible for the sake of time and sanity. I really, honestly, whole-heartedly, tried; but do you guys remember how my explanation of electricity ended? I can say that I probably screwed up my depiction of many peoples and cultures throughout time with my account of some historical events. I think I might have even portrayed Canadians in an especially poor light from the looks she gave me when I mentioned them. I'd feel bad of course, but... oh well; no Canadians here to defend themselves at least... or break my kneecaps. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if I saw a sign at Celestia's court saying 'Canadians not welcome.' ... To be honest, I'm only half joking. Seriously, I don't know how I messed that one up... 'Oh, Canada...' Our talk continued to on for what seemed like hours, though I couldn't tell. She was silent for most of it, only interjecting a question here and there. I managed to dodge the most troubling aspects of humanity for the moment. I told her about humans and warfare; though I had not mentioned anything like oh, say... World War II. I thought it was best for me to hold onto that little tale for a rainy day. … Or better yet, perhaps never speak of it at all. After a few more minutes I finally felt I had been able to give a broad and misleadingly accurate description of human history. For her part, the Princess looked satisfied with my story and merely poured another cup of tea. "Thank you, Shaun," she said before taking another sip of tea. "I have to admit that humanity, based on your description, is both somewhat similar and strikingly different from ponies. We have not known war and chaos for nearly a thousand years now; a state of existence I wish to maintain." I smiled and wistfully said, "Sounds like a utopia to me." "Far from it, I assure you," she responded, "though perhaps to someone like you, who has studied your species...and had to live with these Canadians, this world might seem that way at first glance." "I guess no world is perfect," I mused out loud. "Indeed, that seems to be the case," she replied. Taking another sip from her cup, I almost thought I saw her horn briefly and almost imperceptibly glow for a moment, before she continued on with the conversation. "Then, let's move onto my final question: how are you Shaun Davis?” I looked at her somewhat perplexed, “I thought I already answered that.” “In a way you did," she agreed, "but partially… only the parts you wanted others to hear.” For some reason, her questioning look felt sobering; I seemed to have lost all wit. I thought about it for a second before hesitantly asking, “That question… what do you want me to tell you exactly?” “The whole truth would be a decent expectation. You may put on a brave face, and you might be able to play off your worries to others… but I am not so easily deceived.” I had a sneaking suspicion more was going on right now than the princess cared to tell me. “Can I ask you two questions first?” She smiled playfully and replied, “Aside from that one I take it?” “Are you using magic on me right now?” Celestia paused for a moment, before nodding. “Yes, though only a simple spell to make you feel more at ease... and less defensive.” Well, at least she’s honest. I'll give her that much... “Alright… then my second question is why are you so insistent on me telling you everything?” Her pleasant demeanor fell, and I heard a hint of sadness in her voice when she replied, “Because, Shaun, I’m worried about you.” That was certainly unexpected. I could only look at her in confusion and ask, “Worried about me? Why? I haven't done anything wrong, so why are you worried about me?” Celestia waved off my statement with a hoof. "You misunderstand my worry, Shaun. I am not worried about the things you have or can do; I am worried about your well-being." I was speechless for a moment, not really knowing what to say or ask at this point. Eventually, I managed to simply question, "Why?" She smiled at me wryly for a moment, and spoke in a slightly playful tone of voice, “I thought I already answered your two questions.” I shook my head and persisted. “Please, indulge me in a third question then.” Celestia responded compassionately, “Do I need a reason to worry about another living being who’s in distress?” I wanted to protest her simple logic, to say things just don't work like that; but the look on her face stopped me. It was a sincere look; and though I've never been a good judge of whether people are lying to me or not, for some reason I didn't doubt her words. "I'm not in distress," I retorted, though how I felt, those words seemed to be more of an assurance to myself, than to the Princess. "So you claim, but I know better," her voice had lost most of its playfulness, instead taking on a more somber tone. She set her teacup down and looked at me with a sympathetic expression. "I honestly do not think for one second that you are not worried that you will never get home, and that you may never see your friends or family again - or even another of your species ever again for that matter. Especially finding out that no pony knows how to send you home either." "That... is a concern of mine," I managed to slowly agree with her statement. It was an understatement of course, "but-" The princess cut me off and said, "I am also quite capable of figuring out that your sarcasm and quips are merely your coping mechanisms towards the situation at hand. Twilight even suspects as much." I stayed silent at this. There's a time and place for my wit; this was not one of those moments. "Because of these issues, and the fact that I feel no ill-intent from you," she spoke in a formal tone, "I have decided that I will tentatively see how you interact with pony society at large. I think we both agree you have been kept here under guard for long enough." I nodded my head in agreement, though I looked for something, anything to get my mind off of the past minute of conversation, and the sinking feeling of my predicament. I had tried my best to brush these worries off; hell, the insanity around me even provided a damn good distraction. But here, there was no hiding at the moment... Looking at the Princess, I asked, "What would have happened otherwise?" She sighed at that question. "Before we go into that, I would ask for you to please understand my position, Shaun. I have the safety of my ponies to think of, and that will always be my priority as the princess of Equestria. While I remained quite positive that you were not a direct threat, I am was also unsure how your mere presence would influence this world." For some reason, the thought of me simply disappearing played out in my head. She noticed the worried look in my eyes, chuckled, and gave me a reassuring smile. "Do not worry, Shaun. You would not have been harmed. Though, I would have by necessity had to isolate you as much as possible from the rest of pony society." "So," I tried not to sound nervous, "in other words locked away?" "In a way; though more along the lines of a guest if your attitude permitted it. I," she trailed off, and for an brief instant I thought I saw a pained look on her face before it vanished. "I do not like the idea of having a living being imprisoned, and have thankfully only rarely had to resort to that option." Although her answer worried me, I couldn't help notice the audible sadness in her voice. At least she'd be a compassionate jailor, right? I thought about her words for a moment before a thought crossed my mind. "I take it with minimal contact from ponies?" "That would be the point," she admitted reluctantly, "although not completely isolated." A curious notion crossed my mind. "Hypothetically speaking, Celestia, if this situation were to have happened… would I have been isolated from your little protégé?” “If we are dealing with hypotheticals, Shaun,” she said with what I almost took for a sly smile, “then I will say that hypothetically Twilight would not cease to ask for information from you. In fact, I cannot see the situation being really different than how it is now.” “Oh… glad you clarified,” I responded slowly. “For what it’s worth, I’m relieved you didn’t arrive at that decision. You are a very wise ruler.” Hey, you’d suck up too at this point if it meant not dealing with Sparky... so bite me. "I appreciate your compliments," she took another sip of tea. "Having decided that you can in fact be allowed to interact with pony society, I give you permission to have supervised trips outside of the castle walls for until further notice. As such," she levitated a necklace from out of the bag towards me, "I will give you this for the time being." I grabbed it out of the air and asked, “What’s this?” “It’s an amulet that I have enchanted with a minor 'want to know about it' charm," she stated as if I would understand what that meant. I'd say I slept through magical theory, but that class wasn't offered at my university... I looked at the amulet, then back to her in confusion, “A what now?” "I'm sorry," she replied somewhat sheepishly. “It’s a relatively minor spell that will make ponies more curious, rather than fearful, of you.” I sighed, “Oh good, that’s exactly what I've been thinking I needed the most…” She chuckled slightly at my reaction. “It may be hard to tell, but the ponies you have met thus far are not like the rest of my little ponies. Most of my subjects are very kind, but also very fearful of the unknown. This would at least minimize any… situations that may occur due to your appearance... or mannerisms.” I looked at her thoughtfully before asking, "Which of the two would be more problematic in your opinion?" Instead of replying she merely smiled at me before refilling her teacup. I was about to press the question before a knock on the door drew both of our attentions away from the conversation. The door opened and a guard pony walked in, stopping just barely inside the room. "My apologies, Princess," he said in a formal tone, "but your orders were to inform you when the preparations were complete." "You have my appreciation," she smiled at the guard. She looked back at me before saying, "I'm sorry to once again cut our conversation short, but I must attend to a few important matters." "That's fine," I replied. Although I didn't so much mind the talk, I was ready to go back to some nice comfy brooding. She looked to the guard. "Would you please escort Mr. Davis to Twilights dormitory. I believe she wanted to meet with him after all. I believe change of scenery for this meeting would do both of them well. He will not need a guard once there, so return to the castle afterwards." 'What's that, Mr. Universe, buddy? No peace for me today? Really? Well screw you too...’ The guard looked surprised for a moment, but reluctantly agreed. I said nothing, but I couldn't help but look slightly annoyed at this turn of events. She noticed the change in my demeanor before smiling warmly at me. "Shaun, I'm sure that I can arrange a solution to help alleviate some of your privacy problems soon enough. Though once again, I would ask for you to forgive my little ponies... they can be overly enthusiastic at times. But personally, that’s what I love about them the most." With that, I left the room and followed the guard assigned as my escort. I have to admit, it seems she honestly understands my situation. I think things are really looking up at this point in time. Princess Celestia really is a caring, benign, and understanding ruler. The future is looking bright again for the moment! Hope is kindled! ~'.'~'.'~ I have to admit, it did feel better being outside; hell, I even felt my normal humorous self gloriously returning. Although, it could also be due to the fact that I was no longer in the presence of the Princess. I hate to admit it, but thinking back on how she saw right through me kind of unnerved me. Knowing that Sparky did as well... that just annoyed me. It was strange at first being outside in the land of ponies. I’ll have to admit that Canterlot, while comically named, is certainly beautiful. Though, I couldn’t help but wonder when some of the more ‘creative’ building designs would topple on top of me. What? That’s a genuine fear when your life has seemingly become the text book example of Murphy’s Law in action. Although, I do feel good knowing that I at least have one law left that helps me understand what my existence has devolved into… Understanding not being able to understand is a comforting notion. Or was that too complicated? How about, “realizing I am ignorant is bliss.” Is that better? Most of the ponies walking around gave me a wide berth; though I suppose it’s a good thing they were not running and screaming out of fear. That could only end in another misunderstanding and a pony pile on top of Shaun by some guards again. Seems the amulet was working; that, or the guard that was currently escorting me. Maybe it was a combination of the two. I had quickly gotten annoyed at his terse nature on the walk towards where I was going to meet Sparky; the guard was utterly devoid of anything that hinted at fun it seemed. The least Celestia could have done was given me someone with the muscles capable of making a smile. Though, that did give me an idea. I smirked at the guard and said, "You know what? I never got your name; but you look like your name is Chuckles to me." My escort did not look pleased at my humor and tried to correct me. "My name is not Chuckles, my name is-" Once again, I don’t care about pony names. "It's okay, Chuckles," I quickly cut him off, "I wouldn't like my name either if I were you. Though, you don't have to worry about me judging you based on your name. I’ll just judge you off of being a pony." 'And oh how I shall judge you...' A bit unfair perhaps? Sorry, even though they all look the same, I'm fairly sure that this is one of my pony pile assailants. That means I’m justified now. Your logical rebuttal is not welcome here. The guard ceased trying to reprimand me, and instead simply continued to look forward, a slight scowl marring his features. Aside from Sparky, these ponies were just too easy to goad; I suppose they have never run into anything like me before. I’m making humanity proud here... We continued to walk down the road until we came to a rather uniquely designed tower. Which of course means that to me it looks like it will fall any second now. The guard motioned for me to follow him up the stairs. We stopped in front of a set of gold colored doors, before he turned to me and said, "This is where Ms. Sparkle stays. I have been told to let you wait here for her and that my presence would not be required. Speak to her assistant, wait for her, and above all else, do not cause any trouble." He turned to walk off, but I stopped him to ask, "Sooo... you are just leaving me here without supervision?" Hell, even I think that's a bad idea... The guard continued to walk away and offhandedly told me over his shoulder, "Don't worry, we're still watching you even if you don't know from where." He then continued his way down the stairs and back to the castle. Err... okay. Guard pony stalkers... great... I knocked on the door and heard a muffled voice cry out, "coming." The door opened to reveal a small purple lizard...thing. We both looked at each other for a minutes, each of us slightly surprised at the appearance of the other. It took me a second to realize what was standing in front of me; this must be Spike, that baby dragon Sparky had mentioned before. He looked me up and down before saying, "Oh, hey! You're that thing that Twilight has been studying, aren't you?!" Once again, I did not like being called a 'thing.' Time for some mockery it seems. I feigned enthusiasm before saying, "Oh, wow! You're that thing that Sparky mentioned! The little tiny baby thing... right?" Spike stopped for a second to comprehend what I said before scowling at me, "Hey!" Seems I was right in thinking that he would not like to be referred to as tiny. Some things are just too easy to figure out. Before he could protest, I said, "Tell you what, you don't call me a 'thing' anymore, and I'll never talk about your height again. Deal?" I held my hand out to him. Spike looked like he was thinking things over for a moment, before he just shrugged and shook my hand. "Deal." Just then the door slammed open behind us, throwing both Spike and I to the ground; unfortunately for Spike, I landed on top of him. Hopefully dragons don't get crushed that easily... "Shaun," questioned the all too familiar voice of Sparky, though she sounded confused. "What are you doing here?" "I figured I'd just wait here and have you slam the door into me for shits and giggles," I sarcastically said as I began to get off the poor dragon pinned beneath me. She rolled her eyes and replied, "I don't have time for your games now, Shaun. Why are you here?" "Because," I said as I struggled to get up, "the Princess decided that I should get out, see the world, meet you at your home for a friendly get together with my probation officer." She looked at me puzzled for a moment, before simply shaking her head at my antics. I have to admit, she seems to do that a lot around me. "I don't have time for this, Shaun. Can you at least tell me if you have seen my assistant, Spike? He's a little purple-" "Yeah yeah, your dragon friend," I reached under me and pulled out the poor little guy, who was now gasping for air, "got crushed when you burst through the doors." "Oh, sorry Spike," she said as she ran inside. This was a mare on a mission, and the books she began to shove out of her way only proved it. "No sorry for me, perhaps?" I questioned somewhat indignantly. "Still not using my real name, perhaps?" she replied offhandedly as she continued to rummage through her books in frustration. Turning to Spike, she said, "Find me that old copy of Predictions and Prophecies." The poor little dragon immediately began to mindlessly follow her directions. Poor little guy ... learning his place in life as a male so early; it just isn't fair. I pity him. "Wait," I thought about the title of the book she mentioned, "did you say predictions and prophecies? Sounds incredibly useful! Shall I get my crystal ball and some tea leaves to assist as well?" Sparky turned to me for a moment, giving me an annoyed stare, but opted to not even grace my attempt at help with a reply. She quickly began to levitate a number of books towards her, "No... no... no, no, no!" Seems she's bad at keeping up with all of her books. "Ugh, Spike!" "It's over here," cried out Spike from on top of a ladder. I couldn't help but wonder if that wasn't the best thing for him to say, as she pulled both him and the book to her. Poor Spike met the floor yet again. Sparky ignored the state of her poor assistant, and began to read through the book. I overheard her repeating the word 'elements' over and over again. But by this point I had simply lost track of caring. ... Yes, you can lose track of caring. I'm doing it right now in fact over what you might be thinking... While Sparky continued her tripping around the library, I opted to look around the place she called home. Now, I'm not a stranger to books; my major requires me to read them after all. Hell, I even read them because I like to... usually. And I'll admit that I have a number of books myself; but damn, I would say the unicorn put the public library down the street to shame. I continued to look around until I saw Spike balancing on top of a ladder... that was standing straight up. I really should be warning him about doing that. In fact I thought about it and began to speak, "Damn kid, you aren't too bright, are you?" … Okay, that did not come out with the warning I had envisioned... The dragon looked down at me, confusion on his face. "What do you mean?" I was about to speak up when I noticed he lost his balance on the ladder, and promptly began to fall, letting out a surprised yell as gravity tried to teach him a practical lesson. "Oh shit," I managed to say as I ran to catch him. I knew I wasn't close enough to make it in time to reach him and could only watch as he fell... ... And landed on the back of Sparky. Well... that was anti-climatic. She was holding a quill and roll of parchment in her mouth, which she promptly handed off to the baby dragon before saying, "Never mind him, Spike, we have more important issues to take care of. Take a note, please, to the Princess." "Oookie dokie," replied the dragon as he slid down her tail. "My dearest teacher," she said in an all knowing tone of voice, "my continuing studies of pony magic have led me to discover that we are on the precipice of disaster-" "Hold on... pre... preci... ," said Spike a few times, unable to spell the offending word. She looked at him before suggesting, "Threshold?" "Threeh... ," he repeated, unable to spell this word as well. Poor Spike. It seems Sparky just isn't worried about his education that much, is she? "Uh, brink," suggested Sparky with some uncertainty. This time Spike just looked at her dumbfounded. I held myself back from laughing. "Ugh," Sparky growled in frustration. "That something really bad is about to happen!" Spike finally found words he could continue to write with again, and quickly went back to scribbling. After she was sure he had been able to write that down, she continued on with her delusions. "For you see, the mythical mare in the moon is in fact Nightmare Moon, and she's about to return to Equestria. And bring with her eternal night." I couldn't let that one go, and decided to once again speak up, "Uhhh, Sparky... have you gone coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs?" She turned around to looked at me, one eyebrow raised up in a confused expression. "... What? Wait, never mind; that's not important." She shook her head, clearly not wanting to play my game at the moment. She just turned back to her assistant and said, "Continuing on, Spike. Something must be done to make sure this terrible prophecy does not come true. I await your quick response. Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle." "Twiii-light Sparrr-kle," said Spike as he finished the letter. "Got it!" "Great," she responded eagerly, "send it!" "Now?" Spike questioned, sounding really unsure of the notion. If Sparky heard the uncertainty in his voice, she didn't acknowledge it. "Of course." "Uh, I don't know Twilight. Princess Celestia is a little busy getting ready for the Summer Sun celebration. And it's just like, the day after tomorrow," replied Spike. I realized his mistake right away, even if he unfortunately did not. He just tried to use logic and reason in an unreasonable situation. In other words, it won't work out. Too much crazy, not enough clarity going on in that unicorn's mind at the moment. She looked straight at him, and talked down to him, "That's just it Spike. The day after tomorrow is the thousandth year of the Summer Sun celebration! It's imperative that the princess is told right away." Finally deciding to add my two cents, I tried to bail Spike out of this situation. "I'll have to agree with Spike on this one, Sparky. I don't know what this celebration is about, but I think the princess doesn't really need a big ball of crazy dropped on her right now, wouldn't you agree?" The dragon looked at me somewhat confused. "Why do you keep calling her Sparky?" "Because that's Twilight's nickname," I replied matter-of-factly, "just roll with it." I was satisfied to see him think about it for a second before he simply nodded with a grin, "I like it." Sparky looked at the two of us in annoyance, before deciding to simply glare at Spike until he sent the letter. "Okay, okay," he flinched and took a deep breath, blowing green fire onto the letter. I watched it with interest as the letter disintegrated and followed the trail of sparkling smoke with my eyes as it flew out the window. "There, it's sent," he said. He then looked at Sparky with a 'you'll see' kind of look and smugly said, "But I wouldn't hold your breath." "Yeah, I wouldn't either," I paused and looked at Sparky before grinning. "Actually, that sounds like a good idea for you Sparks. You can't talk while you hold your breath after all." She glared at me, then looked at both of us smugly, "Oh, I'm not worried you two. The princess trusts me completely." She walked towards Spike with a knowing smile on her face. "In all the years she's been my mentor she's never once doubted me." "She's probably just fearful of tipping over an unbalanced individual," I said, my face breaking into a huge grin as I did so. 'Pony tipping... there's a strange thought.' Sparky looked at me strangely. "Why would the Princess trip me?" '... That would be funny to watch...' Spike, who stood there with his arms crossed suddenly looked like he had a bad case of indigestion. This was quickly followed by the purple dragon burping up a scroll similar to the one that was just sent. And of course, I couldn't but question the hygienic deficiencies of this particular method of mail delivery. '... Uh... yeah... I don't know what to say to that one.' Sparky once again gave us both smug looks before saying, "I knew she'd want to take immediate action!" Spike unrolled the letter and began reading the princess's response. "My dearest most faithful student, Twilight. You know that I value your diligence and that I trust you completely." The purple pony of inflated ego nodded and smiled in agreement. I on the other hand groaned. Spike almost laughed for a second, but continued reading on, "But you simply must stop reading those dusty old books." Sparky's face looked like it wanted to fall to the floor as she gasped in surprise. "My dear Twilight," Spike continued on, "there is more to a young ponies life than studying. So I am sending you to supervise the preparations for the Summer Sun Celebration, in this year's location, Ponyville. And, I have an even more essential task for you to complete: make some friends." Sparky stood there completely dumbfounded. I couldn't help but burst out laughing at the look on her face. "Well, there's always a first for everything! I told you, Sparky. Even she must think you are going insane at this point in time!" Spike was about to laugh as well, but once again looked like he had a bad case of indigestion before he burped up a follow-up letter. He cleared his throat once again and began reading the second letter. "On further reflection, I believe it would be best if you were to take Shaun along with you. I believe he would do well to get out and meet other ponies. I entrust this task to you Twilight, and I know you will not disappoint me." Sparky looked perplexed, and I lost all sense of amusement immediately as I let those words sink in. Did she just add me as an afterthought? Wait, no Shaun, that’s not the important part. Did she just basically order that I go with Sparky? The tormentor of my dreams? The destroyer of ear lobes? … What… … The… ... Fuck?! Damn it, damn it, damn it! The future is not bright; it’s bleak as hell! To think I was fooled into believing she was 'benign, caring, and understanding'. Underneath that graceful and seemingly sincere exterior lies the heart of a troll! … Admittedly with my luck, I should have seen that one coming; solving privacy problems my ass, Celestia. It seems that no matter where you go, a troll is bound to be there. Except in my case, this one can apparently control my life... Okay, I’m about to start an inner monologue that no one should see. So... we’ll call it quits for the time being. Agreed? You can go back to your comfy life, and I’ll start working on shredding what hope I had remaining. ... Are you worried about me shredding my hope? Don't be. Sometimes you just got to let things in life go; and boy will the firestorm of obscenities I’m about send my hope off with, be something to behold… Just not for you. Anyway, I've said it once, and I'll say it again... fuck my life... Yours truly, S.A.D ~'.'~'.'~'.'~'.'~'.'~’.’~’.’~ Thanks goes to my normal pre-readers, Meliron and 00lizard. A thanks goes out to Invictus as well for offering me some sound advice, pre-reading, and help.