//------------------------------// // Chapter 3.5: Home (April Fool's) // Story: Man vs. Pony: Equestria // by ThatClosetBrony //------------------------------// A smile. Warmth. Hugging? What's going on? If only I could open my eyes...the light's there, if I could just... I wake up gasping for air. The sun's up outside, and its gentle rays caress the overgrown grass. Just another weird-ass dream, huh? Been getting a couple of those lately. Not insane my ass. Bored, I get up and stretch, listening to my joints pop and crack. I go through my normal morning routine of bathing, dressing, then eating some breakfast. Been doing the same thing for what feels like half a year now; I can call it a morning routine if I damn well please, Andrew. It's not fucking gay. And you shut up, Jennifer. What's your morning routine, soak your face in my brain juices for half an hour while Andrew screams at you to hurry up? Oh, I'm doing it again, aren't I? Well, enough of that. It's time to go outside and check up on the traps. All I find is a squirrel. This one's particularly fat compared to the other game I catch. I've started moving most of my traps here, seeing as it's the only place where I ever manage to catch anything worth cooking. I smash its head against the Bloodstone Altar, just to make sure it's dead. "Oh, wise and powerful Meat Gods," I drone, "here is my offering of the day. Please accept this small woodland creature's soul and deliver mine unto salvation." Finished with my mock prayer, I prepare to return home when suddenly a beam of light radiates from what looked like the Mirror Lake. But the thing's in a bloody cave...like, with a roof cave. "By the Nine," I mutter, amazed. I feel the earth below me trembling, I hear a humming, and my hair starts to poof up like it's charged with static electricity. Suddenly, everything stops, and a shockwave rips through the forest, slamming me into the ground. All of this is pointing towards a Resonance Cascade-esque event, but for some reason the light beckons me, and I find myself dropping the squirrel and jogging back home. Heh. Home. What a funny word. Me, finding a dark, mildewy cave homey. I giggle a bit. Bursting into my cave (heh, mine. Guess it is my home now), I stood awestruck as a giant pulsating portal floated above the Mirror Lake. Of course, it had to be in the middle of it, mocking my inability to swim. Well you know what, fuck you, universe. I can see home, and I will fucking go home- Huh. Wierd. Is this place home, or is it my apartment? I mean, the apartment was never mine to begin with, but neither was this cave. Do I stay or do I go? Do I stay or do I- My indecisiveness is interrupted by a small herd of those colorful ponies I saw rooting around my cave a few months back. Oh god, is the tribe onto me? Did I desecrate some ancient burial ground? What do I do, what do I--Okay, that one's floating something. Alien horses. These people have fucking magic alien horses. And if any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic, and these are just their steeds...oh fuck. So aliens have been living among us all this time. The conspiracy theorists were right all along. So does that mean I just barged in on an invasion attempt? I think I know where I'm going. I can die like a bitch, or I can try and warn others before dying like a bitch. I wonder which one I'll pick. I scoop up a rock from the ground, throw it at the lead pony, and dive into the pool. I sputter and try to splash my way to the portal, half-drowning in the process. But I can't give up. Not now. The closer I get, the lighter I feel, until I'm floating in the air. As I feel the portal beginning to suck me in, I look back and flip off the alien army. Faggots. Not the gay kind or the stick kind, the faggoty kind. The moment I'm in the portal I feel myself rushing away at what feels like the speed of light. I whooped and took in all the nothingness of whatever space I was in. A dull throbbing grows at the base of my skull, but I ignore it. Home is right there. I can see it. I scream and will myself forward. I'm almost- "April Fool's! Oh, they fall for that every time, but it never gets old. Hope you aren't too mad at me, old chum; I was just having a spot of fun, surely you understand? Besides, even though you're not in your nice, warm, safe home filled with food and people, you get to be on an adventure, with all the perils and hardships that accompany it! You know what they say; it's not the destination that matters, it's the journey." I hear a insane cackle. "Oh, who are we kidding. Anyways, toodles till next time!" A smile, crooked and spawning evil laughter. Warmth, so much that I can feel my flesh searing. A hug from Death as I slip into her embrace... [/hr] I woke up gasping for air. The sun was up outside, and its gentle rays caressed the overgrown grass. Just another weird-ass dream, huh? Been getting a couple of those lately. Not insane my ass. Well, looks like I'm still here. Home. Hah. Home, my ass.