Stories in Stone
Lost Empire
By TDR
Everybody plays the fool.
[ New Canterlot. Five Years Ago. April Foals Day ]
Jer'rahd groaned softly as he shifts in the bed, his internal alarm clock letting him know that morning had come and he had a great number of things he needed to do. A glance to the clock confirmed this as it pointed at six in the morning. Luna should be getting out of her night court soon and would meet him and the foals for breakfast.
He yawns wide as he sat up,his mind cloudy, a little perturbed that he had to work in the day with that burning orb of annoyance that Celestia controlled beating down on his head, but there was no night school available with which to put the Lilys and Pip into. They had considered forming one for the Guard and other ponies who worked at night once before, rather heatedly after the incident with Diamond Tiara, Berry, and Applebloom, but the logistics were too out of wack for it to work properly. Maybe one day, but that day would not be today, tomorrow didn't look so good either and as such he had to be a morning pony. Or at least as close to it as possible.
He moved into the bathroom with a yawn his ears perking as he heard what sounded like a giggle. He looked back out into the bedroom wondering if Berry came in, though there was no one there. He shrugged simply going back to start brushing his teeth. He felt that he was missing something. There was something about today he was supposed to remember and he couldn't for the life of him figure out what that was, it had to do with today’s plans.....
Jer'rahd let out a pained yelp, the fog of his mind burning away in a flash of pain. He dropped his toothbrush and the paste as his mouth suddenly caught on fire. He grabbed a glass from the counter filling it with water to gulp only to have the glass sprout a leak in the bottom and spray water all over his chest as he lifted it to his muzzle. There was still enough water in the glass to gulp down and rinse his burning mouth out with, though he had to fill it and dump it on himself several times. He gasps hearing the sound of laughter from his room again. Jer'rahd looks out of the bathroom with a glare to see Pip and Berry laughing and Brush there looking slightly more amused than usual, the trio all poking their heads out from under his bed.
“April Foals.” Pip calls and Jer'rahd's ears flatten. He picks up the tube of tooth paste reading 'Rainbow flavor' on the label and sighs.
Crap that's what he forgot. It was April Foals day.
================================
“So the three of them got you hmm?” Luna chuckles.
“Hot toothpaste from Pip, a dribble glass from Berry and the hot water cut out right after I shampooed and turned ice cold. Brush closed the hot water pipe.” Jer'rahd grumbles glancing at the three as they happily ate their breakfast and pretended to be little angels. “That last one was the worst one this year......”
Luna chuckles softly working on her own meal, which was more of a dinner salad as the others ate pancakes and in Berry's case round waffles.
Jer'rahd was about to cut into his pancakes when there was a knock at the door and he grumbles setting down the knife and fork. “So it begins.”
“Good luck. I expect that will be Tia's assignment for this year.” Luna chuckles as Jer'rahd growls heading to the door on the other side of the living room.
He pulled open the door before he got to it and just as expected a fully armored Guard was there. Jer'rahd recognized him as Pumpernickel Loaf, one of his trainees from last year. He was a fairly skilled pegasus, but no pony would ever accuse him of being quick witted.
“Sir, I have a missive from you from Princess Celestia.” he states holding up a rolled scroll in a wing.
Jer'rahd nods thanks taking it with his magic and unrolling it to read, only to have it explode into a cloud of black soot that falls over his muzzle and head staining him black. He opens his eyes glaring at the Guard.
He could hear Luna and the foals behind him laughing at the after math of it, Pumpernickel Loaf was laughing hysterically as well.
“I'm... I’m sorry sir … I really couldn't resist... Sorry here's the real letter sir.” the pegasus snorts with laughter, holding out his other wing with another scroll. “ I was given the flier this morning and I had to try something.”
Jer'rahd snorts in annoyance taking the other letter and opening it a bit more carefully, though this turned out to be the real missive. He wipes some soot from his eyes reading it over with a small growl.
“Alright tell her I'll be on my way, I need to clean up first.”
“Yes sir. “ the pegasus salutes and darts off.
The gray and now black headed unicorn walks back to the table, taking a napkin to wipe off most of the soot before picking up his knife and fork again to cut the pancakes. After a few moments of sawing with the knife , he picked up the pancake fully and tried to bite into it, his fangs bouncing off the rubbery thing. No amount of biting or cutting would pierce the food. He finally gave up on that one and tried the rest of the short stack to the same effect.
He glances between the others giggling at the table before staring at Luna who was doing a poor job of trying to look innocent.
“Et tu Luna?”
“Oh come on Jer'rahd. It's a joke. “ Luna chuckles, floating a flier from a small stack of papers on the counter. The flier had an image of him in red cross hairs with blue lettering announcing this years prank contest.
“Right I’m going to take another shower. Brush, please don't mess with the water this time.” Jer'rahd sighs leaving the table and heading off to sulk as he cleans up.
Luna waits until he's out of ear shot before leaning over the table to whisper to the others as they look over the flier passing it between themselves.
“He asked Brush not to do it. He didn't say anything about the rest of us.” Luna smirks sending the foals into a fit of giggles.
==================================
One ice cold shower, a bucket of ice water, and two pies later, Jer'rahd arrived at the throne room.
He stopped at the door with a sigh wondering what Celestia was going to do this year. Last year she had trapped him in a living jello mold golem, lime flavored. He sighs and pushed open the door winding up face to face with a large barrel.
“Crap.”
The cannon fired blasting him backwards into a wall with a high powered lump of cake batter. Red velvet mix to be precise.
He lay on his back a moment, eyes closed at the riotous laughter coming from the throne room before he dug his way out , shaking off the mess and trudging into the throne room. He shoved the Pinkie pie party cannon, out of the way and stormed up to Celestia who was draped over the throne cackling madly. Twilight stood nearby doing her best not to laugh and failing miserably.
“You wanted to see me? Or was that it and I can leave now?” Jer'rahd growled. ”I have some foals to get to school, and a whole day of dealing with whatever stupid pony tricks this day brings out.”
“Oh you should have seen the look on your face. Hahaha,oh I am so glad you borrowed that Twilight , that was perfect hahahah.” Celestia laughs as Jer'rahd rolls his eyes.
“Yeah, I’m sorry about that Jer'rahd ….” Twilight mutters.
“No you're not.” Jer'rahd grumbles.
“No I’m not.” Twilight states breaking out into laughter as well as a gob of cake batter falls from his face.
“Can we just get this over with I have a whole day of pranks to push through.” Jer'rahd sighs.
“Oh don't be so moody it's your own fault you don't participate in April Foals day.” Celestia comments as Twilight continues to laugh.
“It's a stupid holiday and I see no reason why I should participate.” Jer'rahd growls.
“Really? Four years of being the target of every pony because you won't do anything in return has made every pony think of you as the prime target in New Canterlot for this. “ Twilight manages before losing herself in a fit of giggles.
“Just because I’ve never sunk to your level doesn't make this any better.”
“No but you being the only non participant left in Equestria on this day amuses me soo much.” Celestia giggles.
“Get on with it. I already know the drill.”
“Fine spoil sport. Two things. First after last years prank duel Discord is barred from doing anything today and two, you are going to make sure he follows that ruling.” Celestia chimes shifting in her throne as she stared down at him.
“You are making me foal sit Discord for the day?” Jer'rahd growls reaching up and wiping a gob of batter from face. “Fine whatever, it's a god level safety issue. I get it, some how it falls under my job. I'm not even going to bother to check at this point. I'll pick him up when I take the foals to school.”
“See I told you you wouldn't need all those documents Twilight.” Celestia smirks.
“Well that was a few hours of rules lawyering that was for nothing.” Twilight sighs.
“If you are done mocking me....”
“Not yet ...” Celestia chuckles, waving a bit of paper in her magic. ”I do like the fliers I had you make, very nice job.”
“Forget it.“ Jer'rahd growls turning and stopping to the door throwing it open only for another cannon to be there and blast him back into the room with a thud, covering him with gobs of frosting and sprinkles.
“Ooh I did forget the frosting, good job Twilight.” Celestia laughs. “I taught you well.”
====================================
“Cake batter?” Luna muttered looking up from where she was making Berry's lunch. Jer'rahd had already made their lunches and had them packed away in their saddle bags so as not to hurt Luna's feelings. Still the three of them knew not to even attempt to eat what ever it was that Luna made, and to use fire if the bag started to move.
“Sparkle and your sister. Seems I'm baby sitting Discord today as well. Would you, Berry, Pip, and Brush NOT fiddle with the hot water this time?” Jer'rahd sighs. “ I want to clean up, again before I attract ants, or Tiberus decides to try and eat me.... again.”
“She has you watching Discord? Ugh. You know for a pony who tends to be angry all the time, you let every one trot all over you on this holiday. It strikes me as odd.” Luna sighed.
“I won't stoop to your sisters level. A holiday designed around trickery and pranks is not something I want a part of.”
“And yet you still allow every one to prank you without repercussion. Even the Bearers of Honesty get involved in this. It's your own fault really. Even if you just hit some pony with a pie they might leave you alone. You've become the biggest target in New Canterlot with this passive resistance stuff. ”
“That's because it would escalate. Eventually some pony would be shaved bald with something crude painted on their side.”
Luna smirks holding back a chuckle remembering that. “That was once Jer'rahd , and your fur grew back before any one even saw you anyway. Still that was a little far even for Rainbow Dash.”
Luna sighs moving up and kisses Jer'rahd lightly on the forehead licking her lips lightly at the taste of the red velvet cake batter.
“Go get cleaned up. The cold water jokes gotten old so you can have a bit of peace.”
“Thank you....” Jer'rahd storms off being trailed by the families pudgy opossum pet. The creature was more than happy to gobble up the dripping cake batter like a fuzzy vacuum.
After a few moments a shout came from the bathroom.
“LUNA, WHY IS THE SHOWER FULL OF FROGS!?”
====================================================
One frog filled shower, and a short herding of foals later Jer'rahd was staring up at the face of a grinning Draconequus with Pip, Berry, and Brush all standing behind him peeking up at the strange creature. They had all seen Discord before though usually from a distance. Jer'rahd had never personally been introduced either, though he had met him a few times, the two had never really taken much notice of one another.
“Well hello Kaisur... it's been a while hasn't it? Awww but who could miss your ugly mug?” Discord smirks reaching out to try and pinch Jer'rahd's cheeks stopping at the gray ponies snort of annoyance. He leaned back in the air, leaning around the pony to look at the three foals behind the angry gray unicorn. “And who are these three? Some one shrink some Royal Guards down to foal size? I have to admit that's a good one...”
“This is Ice Berry, Paint Brush and Pip. You should already know that Luna and I adopted them at the end of the war...” Jer'rahd comments. “Look can we skip any games with the introductions Discord? We're already running late due to the pranks that every ones already pulled on me. I don't need any thing else to go wrong before I get them to school.”
“Spoil sport. Still you needn't worry about me. I'm not really a fan of this supposed holiday.” Discord rolls his eyes, the orbs spinning around in his head as he tries to get one of them to laugh or react, though the foals simply stare.
“Really you of all creature's doesn't like April Foals day?” Jer'rahd grumbles setting up the cart and checking his saddle bags again. He had far too much to do today even without watching Discord, but it was all too important for his first instinct of locking himself in a closet for the day.
“Sure it's chaos... but every one expects the chaos and pranks today. That takes a whole lot of fun out of it.” Discord sighs. “It just seems less chaotic when it's expected.”
“And the prank duel last year?” Jer'rahd mutters lifting Berry up into the cart.
“That was personal..... It was a honor duel between Cheese Sandwich and I. That pony has skill I will admit, but I won in the end.” Discord says proudly.
“Considering the damage you caused it's a wonder you and he weren't arrested. I'm stuck escorting you and I have no idea where Cheese is.”
“He and Pinkie's sister, the dull one with the iron hooves and rock fetish, hooked up, what was her name Mauve, mad, ahhh yes Maud!” Discord states popping out of existence and appearing again as a much smaller Draconequus sitting on Jer'rahd's back in a cowboy outfit.
Jer'rahd glances back at him though doesn't react other wise as he sets himself in the harness of the cart, starting to pull it along out of the Castle.
“Uggh bored already........” Discord mutters.
Discord snaps his fingers and they all vanish in a flash of magic. Jer'rahd stumbles as they reappear the cart bouncing once on the grass before stopping. Jer'rahd whirls with a growl about to buck the Draconequus off his back when he notices that they were now in front of the school house on the other side of new Canterlot.
“What...?”
“Like I said I was bored, still saying that, I’m bored. Still I don't have any plans to do anything.... bad... per-say. I fully expect that Celestia put me with you as she expected me to drive you insane all day. I might still do that, but I do hate letting that mare win. It's rather nice to meet some one who dislikes her as much as I do. Granted I don't really like Luna either, but ehhh.” Discord shrugs.
Jer'rahd unhooks himself as the three foals scramble off the cart. His horn glows briefly picking Berry up before she could run off his eyes narrowing a bit as he looks down at her.
“Berry put you mother's lunch in the cart. If you are going to prank some one don't do something that will nearly kill them.” Jer'rahd orders.
Berry frowns before pulling a brown bag out of her saddlebag and sets it on the cart before stomping off in a sulk.
He pushes the cart to the side and tucks the lunch bag into his own saddlebags, Luna would come and pick them up after school at Applejack's when she woke up this afternoon. He watches the trio head into the school building before glancing back at Discord.
“If you are going to be agreeable Discord and still want something to do I have an idea that might keep you busy at least.”
“Ooooh? And whats that.” the small Draconequus questions.
Jer'rahd pulls a quill and pot with a fair sized scroll from his bag floating them into Discord's confused grasp.
“What's this?”
“You can keep track of the ponies names and the pranks they pull on me. That should keep you very busy.”
Discord looks at the thick blank scroll with a bit of disbelief noticing a few names and pranks were already on there. Despite that the scroll itself had to be long enough to stretch from the throne room to the entrance of the castle.
“I wondered why Twilight wanted the party cannon..... Seriously though do you think you have enough scroll here? Are there any trees left in the Everfree?” Discord snarks.
“Hmm you are right... remind me to pick up another one when you make it a third of the way down the back of the scroll. That should last to lunch time.”
“You are joking?”
A pie suddenly arcs from one of the bushes striking Jer'rahd in the face along with the sound of some foals laughter.
“No, I’m not.” the gray unicorn states as the banana cream slides down his face.
==================================================
After a few hours walk across the Ponyville half of New Canterlot, Jer'rahd and Discord were finally trudging through the Everfree on the way to Zecora's. The plan had been to go early enough that he wouldn't be a target for as many ponies. That didn't work.
Discord had remained true to his word about not doing anything and simply wrote down everything that happened. At the moment he was going over some of his favorites so far reclined across the burly stallions back giggling like a school filly.... and wearing a pleated skirt of one too. The massive scroll was unfurled and almost half full of names.
Jer'rahd looked like he had been to war and lost horribly. His fur was multicolored he was covered in a number of random things from stink bombs to pie crusts. He had a doughnut speared on his horn and countless kick me, or worse, signs stuck to his back and flank. There were a number of things stuck to his hooves, including paint cans and fake duck feet. There was also one particularly unruly animated toy snake dangling from one ear.
“...... and Granny Smith … GRANNY SMITH got you with a mouse trap stuck in an apple. A SNAP APPLE oh that was brilliant. I'm still in shock you didn't take your bit back for that one.” Discord cackles.
“Without the trap the apple was fine. Not like it hurt, just a surprise.” Jer'rahd sighs.
“All these ponies are targeting you, even Fluttershy with that joy buzzer... FLUTTERSHY got you, that has to be the absolute bottom....... It's astounding you haven't snapped out and wrecked the place.”
“I don't like the holiday. I find it rather pointless, always have really. I don't mind a joke or two but a whole day devised to making others look like fools? Not my sort of thing.”
“That doesn't explain, why you let them all get away with this. I'm quite sure you can simply tell them off and they will leave you be.” Discord suggests.
“First few years I didn't mind. It actually improved morale enough that I let anything done to me slide. Given the first years after the war a little humor was good. Two years ago is when is started getting nuts. I forgot what I did, but Celestia got pissed enough at me to put a bounty of sorts on my head in the castle. The greatest prank done to me got a reward. I'm pretty sure Rainbow Dash won it that year with the duct tape katamari ball, of course I was too busy trying to get free to find out. It was offered last year as well to the whole town, but your prank war kinda derailed that I think. At least I don't know who won, after the market district needed repainting and paving after you and Cheese got finished. This year she's got it going again, though Luna at least talked her out of directing it solely at me, now it's best prank, with heavy implications to do it to me.”
“Really ? Sounds like Sunbutt. Passive aggressive to a fault. So what is the prize any way?” Discord grins.
“You're not eligible.... It's on the fliers.”
“Awwww. Wait, what fliers?”
“Another of Celestia's parts in this. She had me print up a crate of fliers a few days ago announcing this years contest. Of course they all have my image with a target on it. It's got the rules and the prize, she had some of the Guards pass them out this morning going door to door. Given how I’ve been the target all morning I expect every pony in New Canterlot got one.”
“Hmm sounds fun, but what is the prize?”
“Supposedly a massive cake from the royal chefs. One from Celestia's personal collection of recipes. Given I was blasted with red velvet cake mix this morning I expect that is what it will be.”
“Is that why your mane smells so delicious?” mini Discord smirks.
“No, I’m pretty sure that's the whip cream marshmallow bomb Bon Bon and Lyra hit me with.”
The pair of them trudged on with Discord listing off the various attacks and pranks that had caught his attention while Jer'rahd had been trying to get out of town.
Finally arriving at Zecora's hut Jer'rahd knocked on the door only to be greeted with silence. He glanced at Discord who shrugged before he knocked again hearing a small crash from inside the building. Jer'rahd pushes lightly on the door finding it locked, only to have the door fall over backwards as it it was taken off it's hinges with a snapping of fingers. He glares at discord who was tossing said hinges off into a bush behind him before he strutted in like he owned the place.
He made it a few steps before he ducked and a iron pan flew over Discord's head smacking Jer'rahd in the face and knocking him back on his flank.
“OOOh good throw.” Discord applauds.
“I care not who you are, but if you take another step I'll end you before you get far.”
Jer'rahd rubs his nose looking at the inside of the house. Everything was pushed to one side of the room, with tables and pots in a impromptu fortification around the back wall. The windows were boarded up and a number of what looked to be snare traps and drop traps were scattered around the room. One of which Discord was prodding with a stick and dodging the swinging log as it came by.
“Zecora !? What the buck?” Jer'rahd growls as Discord giggles.
“Jer'rahd? And you brought Discord here? I was expecting her to send some one else I fear.” Zecora states her head poking up from behind the barricade a small cast iron cooking pot on her head.
“Gah that smarts. Ow.” Jer'rahd growls rubbing his nose, wiping away a bit of blood. “ I came to borrow your copy of Supernaturals. The one in the palace library, and the one in Ponyville are already checked out. What the heck is all this? And drop the rhyming, I am not in the mood for it.”
Zecora stares up at Discord.
“Oh don't worry little zebra god.... I find it far too amusing that Celestia had a daughter and is now dating some one younger than her daughter. Also Pinkie made me Pinkie Swear not to tell any one you were Sunshine.... among a ton of other things..... blasted rules..........” Discord grumbles.
“Fine.” Sunshine mutters.” As for what this is you 'have' met my mother right?”
“Red Velvet cake batter cannon.”Jer'rahd grumbles. “This year any way.”
“Yes well she was always fond of jokes. At some point she managed to make it a holiday of sorts, a day she could cut loose with the pranks and no pony would think less of her for it. No pony was immune to the pranks, not even her own daughter...... Every year... for nearly a thousand years, there's always some sort of prank...... she turned my colt friend into a frog one year a decade or so back. I never could find him again!”
“Owch I’ve dealt with this nonsense for only a few years....”Jer'rahd sighs. “ Least I’m not the only one who doesn't participate in this.”
“I used to until mother made it a contest against me. Without mentioning it, or having any rules other than one up everyone else. Now I simply hide out every year.”
“This holiday just gets better and more chaotic the more I learn about it.” Discord cackles. “And all of it looks like our little sun but is the main cause.. oh I love it.”
“Any way I'm here about the book and because last time I was near Tartarus, Troph suggested you visit.“ Jer'rahd shrugs. ”Actually that might be a good way to get out of here for a few days. I doubt Celestia will try and track you down to prank you in Tartarus.”
“That...... isn't actually a bad idea.” Zecora mutters. ”Though how do I know this isn't a trick? You are with Discord.”
“I've never pranked and Discord's not allowed to. It's why I’m the usual target. Once I get the book and I’m gone as well, after that you can do what you want.” Jer'rahd sighs. “I have a lot to do today. Oh also did you have any bottles of that soap you use for Poison Joke? We're doing training in the Everfree later this week and there's always some rookie who tries to eat the pretty blue flowers.”
Discord pondered that a moment before cackling like a lunatic at the idea of some one eating poison joke and rolling around on the floor.
“No I am afraid I do not. I sent my last in a shipment to Ponyville Hospital. There tend to be a number of ponies who use Poison joke as a gag on this day. Aloe and Lotus' spa may have some as well.”
“Surprised no one's used any on you yet. That does sound like a perfect prank.” Discord chuckles.
“It was made illegal three years ago. There's a fairly hefty fine if you are caught using it to prank. Still some ponies risk it, or some foals do it because they don't know any better.” Jer'rahd sighs. “Looks like I need to make another stop then. At least I was already going by the spa.”
“I didn't take you as a spa going pony.” Discord cackles glancing over as Zecora starts packing evidently opting to run like heck for the safety of Tartarus.
“I'm not, I just received a letter for them a few weeks ago I keep forgetting to give it to the twins when I’m in town. Not sure how the mail pony confused Spa, with Princess Luna's residence at the palace.”
“If it's Derpy I can under stand why, she still hasn't gotten the new zip codes down properly.” Zecora points out tossing a book to Jer'rahd before ushering the pair out of her home. She glared at Discord until he fixed the door then took off in a mad gallop towards the Gate of Tartarus.
“Well she was in a hurry.” Discord pouts.
=======================================================
One prank filled romp through town later the pair arrive at the spa. Discord was less than pleased this time as while he had been paying attention to one prank he had been hit with another. Rarity had used a hair growth spell that made Jer'rahd look like a modern day Rapunzel. As Discord was laughing at Jer'rahd tripping over his own mane, Rainbow Dash had hit him with a thunderbolt and made all his hair stand up in a massive ball of amber colored hair giving Jer'rahd the appearance of a massive fluff ball, with Discord as a slightly smaller puff ball on his back, While Discord cursed Rainbow Dash Jer'rahd stopped him from retaliating, by grabbing him in his magic and dragging the struggling Draconequus inside the spa.
“You should have let me turn her into a marshmallow peep.” Discord pouts. “Though Rarity is already half way there.”
“No. I don't even know what a peep is and no.” Jer'rahd grumbles walking to the spa front counter and ringing the little bell. A crash from the back room caused both Discord and Jer'rahd to wince before a rather frantic looking Aloe rushes out of the back room, the bright pink mare's hair a mess.
“Ah!!! “ Aloe yelps at the sight of him. “I am sorry. Welcome to Aloe and Lotus, spa. If you are here to prank I will say that is not allowed here and criminal charges will be filed if you try. If you had an appointment today I must inform you that all appointments are on hold for a few weeks. We are temporary closed.”
“I'm not here to prank Miss, I just need to purchase your entire stock of poison joke cure for a training mission coming up. Zecora said you might have some left from her last order?” Jer'rahd sighs at least glad he was not getting hit in the face this time with a pot. ”Is something wrong? I didn't think you ever closed for long.”
“Nothing to concern yourself with sir, we cancel all our appointments at the start of this month. This time of year we have a spring sabbatical back home. We usually would be gone by now, but my sister forgot to lock the door on top of misplacing our train tickets....”
“THAT IS A LIE!!!” Lotus shouts from the next room in a voice with a rather thick Manehatten accent.
“Customer......” Aloe sighs in her vaguely Japony sounding voice, trying to smile past the sudden cursing from the back room.
“That's fine,” Jer'rahd states his horn glowing some where in the massive afro that made up his head at the moment. He pulled an envelope from his saddle bag offering it to the mare. “Sorry it's opened. I think Pip thought it was one of his decoder rings or something he tried to get from a cereal box. I think it might be the tickets you are looking for. Sorry it took me so long to get it out to you, though if I looked at them correctly they are still good until the last train today. You should have a few hours to get ready and get to the station.”
Aloe's eyes widen as she snatches the envelop from the air pulling out the tickets looking at them as Lotus ducks out looking over her sisters shoulder at the tickets before slapping the pink mare in the back of the head.
“I told you I did not lose them.” Lotus glares. “This is the last time you order tickets that far in advance by mail order.”
“Yes, like I said I'm sorry it took so long to get here with them. It's been about a month since they arrived there I just never made it out into town.”
“Pfft don't mind him, he was just being lazy.” Discord snorts bored of this already. “Just get the soap so we can gooooooo. This place is making me feel all froo froo and new age....”
============================================
After paying far more for the few bottles of shampoo they had, Jer'rahd was shoved out the door and back into the line of fire. Pies, electric shocks, confetti and a rainbow colors assaulted Jer'rahd as he made it to the next stop, Ponyville General.
The hospital had changed quite a bit since the war, expanding to nearly double it's size and bringing in specialists from all over. The reason was primarily due to Velkorn preferring the larger , less sterile Hospital to the one in Canterlot and once word got out and was proven true about who she was, every Doctor worth their salt wanted to be transferred nearby. Jer'rahd rather liked it due to the fact they had turned the giant black crystal spider Luna had taken control of into a monument to the war on their own.
Once he trotted in, and convinced the nurses on staff he was not a victim of a riot who needed emergency services, no thanks to Discord who tired to play the part of a grieving wife. Seriously with a much as the Draconequus had been in drag today Jer'rahd had to wonder a little about him.
While the nurse wandered off to ask a doctor about the poison joke soap Jer'rahd was left to sit in the waiting room alone with Discord. The Draconequus seemed preoccupied with changing all the waiting room crossword puzzles into nonsensical words for answers or even more confusing questions and hints.
“So I have to ask what was all that last year? The two of you wrecked a good section of town with that prank war. To what end? What was the point? “ Jer'rahd sits back on the bench trying to pick free the pink bows that Sweetiebelle had managed to get in his mane and tail.
“I have no idea what you are talking about. It was just a prank war.” Discord snorts hiding his face behind a magazine titled 'sensible chuckle' and pretended to read it.
“You've had prank wars with Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash and even Celestia since this started. None of that was like what happened last year, it didn't come close.” Jer'rahd shrugs his magic pulling a live crab from his overly poofy mane. “What made this so special? What was the goal.”
“Why do yooooou want to know?” Discord hoots. Putting a monocle and top hat on the confused crab before tossing it out the window and into a koi pond.
“Curios as to why I’m forced to watch you today past it being a joke by Celestia, what was the goal of all that chaos?”
“Why would chaos have a goal?” Discord asks tying himself into a pretzel shape.
“You've had a purpose to what you've done before. I somehow doubt that big machine we found in your castle had no purpose.” Jer'rahd grumbles, finally noting that some one had painted his hooves neon purple.
“Oh you found that. Yes I suppose I had a goal with that. I planned to clone myself and separate the books curse from me into a clone then destroy it. Of course that never happened and I wound up a lawn gnome instead.” The Draconequus sighs a very tall red cone hat appearing on his head his beard turns into a massive white bushy thing.
“Rather convoluted approach to it.”
“Have you met me?” Discord gasps. ”If not, hello, I’m Discord.”
“And last years fight?”
“Nothing about it.” Discord waves his hand and all the creations vanish.
“You called it an honor duel. That means something. What was it over?”
“Bah you would remember that part. Okay fine, but you're buying me lunch.”
“You wouldn't want anything any one would sell me today. Even that Cut-my-own-throat guy with his questionable pies would prank me.”
“Hmm good point. Any way it … it was over Pinkie....” Discord sighs seeming calm for a brief moment.
“Pinkie?”
“Yes, lets just say Cheese had the interest in attempting to woo her and I needed to dissuade him of that.” Discord waves his hand in the air.
“So you and Pinkie Pie huh?”
“Tell a soul and I’ll make this day look like the best in your life. I don't want her getting grief for associating with me.” Discord growls waggling a bat shaped object labeled 'Bat-Dooms day device' at the gray pony. “ And I don't need any grief if any one found out the association was romantic. Twilight Sparkle and Celestia already hate me, and that's mutual in regards to the fat one, but I have tried to at least be civil to Purple Smart, and it's just not happening on her end.”
“In case you haven’t noticed I don't like Celestia and I am not exactly thrilled with Sparkle today either. So long as there's no disaster waiting to happen and it's mutual it's your business, not mine.”
“It's mutual.... I think.... hard to tell with her sometimes, though I thank you for not directly assuming I am forcing her into something.....” Discord pats Jer'rahd's head. The poofy hair exploding into confetti and bluebirds leaving Jer'rahd's mane and tail normal again, if bright blue. “Seems despite my turning over a new leaf and every one finding my accuser was a psychopathic nut bag in her own right a number of ponies still do not believe that I did nothing to Avianna.”
“Given all the trouble she caused me without her even being there, I’d be more inclined to believe you even without her ripping off the top of a mountain.”
“Well I don't know what to say... thank you I suppose.”
“You're welcome.... Now I don't suppose you could tell me how you brought Pinkie back from being dead? I know tons of tests were run, and it is definitely her but....”
“No.... do not ask again and know that will not do it again, nor will I share how I did it. You had a nice run of making me almost like you then you had to get greedy.” Discord scoffs, suddenly dressed in a top hat with tails and gestures as if he's shooing Jer'rahd away. “Besides I can't tell, Mort would get annoyed with me.”
“Fine don't answer, that you won't do it again is enough for me.” Jer'rahd looks up seeing a doctor approach and rises to his hooves having scraped off most of the purple and walks up to meet the doctor as he stepped into the lobby.
“Hello are you … wow you really do need the antidote. I've never seen a case of poison joke that bad.” the doctor comments his horn glowing white as he waves a clipboard at Jer'rahd. He was dressed in what looked like a butcher's apron with the tag reading 'Patch' on it, big floppy shoes, and had a big red clown nose on his face.
“No no, this is just from pranks.......” Jer'rahd begins interrupted by Discord.
“Oh it is the worst thing EVERY!! The poor thing has been so horribly poisoned you simply must save him, he used to be such a charming looking Diamond Dog.. now look at him.... OH THA HORROR!!” Discord grabs Jer'rahd hugging him close then holding him in the air like he was the next king of pride rock.
The doctor backed up as Jer'rahd slips free of Discords hands.
“Ignore him. He's crazy. I'm Jer'rahd Kasiur, and I am supposed to be a unicorn. I'm here to see if I can collect any extra poison joke remedy you might have for a military training exercise in the next few days.”
“Ahh I know you. You're Princess Luna's consort the General or Major or what have you. I'm Doctor Patch. Normally I might be able to spare a few bottles normally, but with the joke warfare going on I like to keep a decent supply, we have a few ponies in town who are extremely allergic to poison joke. The effects of it hitting them are nearly triple the amount of a normal pony. “ Patch explains.
“I though Poison Joke wasn't fatal?”
“It's not, but imagine suffering from one affliction, those allergic to it get as few as three afflictions and our highest count was seven. I wouldn't give out those bottles even with a royal order, unless it was for some one who was that allergic or suffering greatly from whatever the effect is. Thankfully the effects of poison joke don't change, so once you know what happens to you, you know what you get. We have already had a few of them come in, it seems that there will be a round of poison joke this year, they were already experiencing the signs.”
“ Most i get is my eye color changes to blue. Still you are getting ponies who've had contact already, despite it being banned? Well at least no one is in any life threatening danger.”
“Indeed. I don't think I can spare any bottles though we can go check to see if there's any extra. We don't mix anything that uses the sort of volatile ingredients that it needs, but Miss Zecora seems more than happy to supply us with some when we request it. Really it's only once or twice a year that it's necessary” Patch states walking off his shoes squeaking beckoning Jer'rahd along with him. Jer'rahd nods following, glaring back at Discord who sits with a golden halo over his head.
“Stay here, I’ll be back in a moment.” Jer'rahd sighs leaving the Draconequus with a few of the nurses.
===============================
Jer'rahd trots back out of the offices without anything to show for it. The hospital had already cracked into their crate of bottles for the first few ponies who were showing signs of being affected by Poison Joke.
Looking around the lobby Jer'rahd flattens his ears at the lack of chaos and even noise. The idea of everything being normal worried him a bit. After a few moments of searching he finds the tall creature sitting off to the side of the lobby, talking with a small lavender furred mare with silver and dark purple mane and tail, with a cutie mark like a medical cross, though for a brief instant it looked like a ball and a nail maybe?
Jer'rahd shook his head. No it was definitely a medical cross.
Discord glances over at him leaning down to hug the mare lightly and floating away vanishing with a pop to re appear in miniature form on Jer'rahd's back.
“Who was that?”
“Oh, just some pony I used to know a long time ago. Seems she did much better for herself without me, kinda a pity she used to be such a wild one. Ah well story of my life foal's grow up and ponies change.” Discord chuckles, sounding a bit sad about it. “Still imagine my surprise to see her here and working to be a doctor of all things. Can we head back to the castle now this day has been hilarious, boring, amusing, annoying, and melancholy all at once.”
“Rather chaotic hmm?” Jer'rahd snarks
“Don't start with me colt.....”
=================
The slough back to the castle was pretty much exactly that. After the brief calm of the hospital, Jer'rahd and Discord moved back out into the prank storm, the latter wearing a large yellow rain coat and souwester hat to shield him from the deluge. A few dozen pies, color changes, and one rather creative use of a number of piranha lemon clams later they finally made it back to the castle gates. Jer'rahd looked like a drowned rat, and Discord was cackling as he filled out the list of names.
“I am in shock. I've never seen the old water bucket trick pulled off quite so well. I mean Big Mac used the WHOLE water tower. That's got to be the win with how you screamed.” Discord cackles. “ His time with Rainbow Dash must be doing the boy some good.”
“I have a phobia of deep water.” Jer'rahd grumbles. “ It wasn't from the water itself, just the amount of it.”
“Oh really do tell..... I could use that.... How did that develop?” Discord was suddenly wearing a nice suit and reclining on a chair couch thing.
“We went to meet Princess Aqua......” Jer'rahd mutters.
“Okay, stop right there and stop talking. I now do NOT want to know what another old friend of mine did.” Discord sighs.
“Just when I think I might be alright with you, you wind up being friends with some one who tired to kill me or tortured me.” Jer'rahd growls.
“Oh I don't eeeeven want to hear it blondie. You are practically married to a mare who led a team to try and kill me and sealed me in stone for centuries because of a lie told to her sister.” Discord snaps back.
“Valid point.” Jer'rahd shrugs heading back towards Luna's quarters, ducking though the halls avoiding servants and Guards as best he could. He still got a shock or a sign stuck to him here and there. And a water squirting turtle took him by surprise once too, but he still made it. “Any way thanks for playing along with Celestia's crap.”
“Why what ever do you mean?” Discord asks as Jer'rahd, his voice lowering as the two of them walk into Jer'rahd's shared rooms with Luna and the foals. The gray unicorn was glad he was out of the craziness for the rest of the day. Not even Celestia would try to prank him here while Luna was asleep.
“Seriously? Do you think I would have had time to stop you if you ran off today?” Jer'rahd sighs his voice lowering as he emptied his saddle bags taking three copies of Supernaturals and sliding them behind some other books on a shelf.” I wouldn't even know how to start stopping a god of chaos that didn't involve a lot of bloodshed.”
“You are a strangely morbid and depressing little pony. That you have any sort of humor at all surprises me. I have spent the day with you and I still do not understand how you, a pony most consider a violent psychopath have not even told any one to leave you alone today. With all that was done to you as well. It's fascinating....” Discord suddenly had pointed ears and a blue shirt with a triangle on it. “You so often had golden opportunities to tell them to buzz off. Like the beehive prank, telling them to buzz of would have been golden there ahhhh and you let it slide. Sooo punny.”
“I was tempted there....”
Discord smirks. Fading away until just his smile remained“ Any how here's your list. I'm going to see how Pinkie fared today, toodles.”
“Hold up.”
“Yeeeees? Miss me already?” He fades back in only to have Jer'rahd push a bottle of the poison Joke cure he got from the spa into Discord's clawed hands.” What's this for?”
“Just in case Pinkie managed to get into some of that stuff today. You can play the hero for her.” Jer'rahd smirks walking the remaining six bottles into the bathroom and stuffing them under the sink.
“Why thank you...... what a thoughtful gift..... it almost makes me want to go out and find some poison joke just so we would have to take a bath....... never you mind. Thank you for the suggestion any way.” Discord finishes in a huff and vanishes.
“Well that was fun. “ Jer'rahd sighs, ducking his head in to check on Luna before cleaning up the house a little making sure to destroy all the prank fliers he could find . Once that was done he went to take another shower to clean up the remaining mess soaked into his fur, grabbing one of the bottles of cure, just in case.
After a few moments of silence there was a soft curse from the bathroom.
“Bucking frogs....”
===============================================
Later that night he was woken by a scream. Flinging himself out of bed he crashed into the floor bouncing as he kicked at the blanket his horn glowing as he reached for his sword.
“Jer'rahd it's fine. Sort of. Put the sword down and come out here.” Luna calls from the dining room after hearing the crash as Jer'rahd manages to smash into a nightstand.
He glanced up at the clock on the wall seeing it was near five am. Pushing himself upright he shock his head glancing around the room for a bewildered second before turning on a light and catching his gaze in Luna's dressing mirror. He stared at himself a moment collecting his thoughts and letting his brain process everything, before he snatched his Drill instructor hat. After making sure his mane horn and ears were tucked under it he moved out of the bedroom.
The first thing he noticed was Luna standing in the main dining room. Her normal dark coat was bright green and her hair was a paler shade of green, the stars within it seemingly replaced by chocolate chips, giving her the appearance of a large pony shaped scoop of mint chocolate ice cream.
The next thing he noticed was a gray furred pegasus Guard, who was standing on top of one of the book shelves. His ears and tail had been replaced by gray mouse ears and a pink tail. The Guard was in a state of panic staring down at something on the ground. Evidently the stallion had been the one to scream.
Stepping into the room fully he saw Brush sitting at one end of the table. The colt's front legs looked like some sort of purple octopus tentacles, complete with suckers. He was poking a large loaf of sour dough bread that sat on the table, with a opossum tail and face sticking out of it. Tiberus was not amused at the poking his new bread like fur. Jer'rahd had to suppress a small shudder at the sight of Brush's limbs, brief memories of seaponies came to mind..
Pip sat on the other side of the table, or rather he was trying to. A massive horn had sprouted from his temple, one akin to what you would find on a full grown dragon. The small pony was trying and failing quite spectacularly to keep his head up when the horn weighed more than he did.
Berry was the last pony he saw and she was the only one with a wide smile on her face. Her legs had changed to and she was now darting around the room on a set of eight pony sized spider legs clearly enjoying that she was terrifying the Guard, and unnerving every pony else with her skittering.
“Is everyone alright?”Jer'rahd asks getting a strange look from Luna as if that was the dumbest question ever.
“I cannot believe you slept through all this. There's been panic all night in Equestria.“ Luna grumbles. “About eleven every pony started developing strange symptoms and well.... look at our foals..... I checked on them when I came home and well....”
“Berry seems to be enjoying it.” Jer'rahd mentions as the small spider pony scrambles up onto his back her grin nearly splitting her face.
“Yes well, my sister is already up and we both agree this is a state of an emergency, she want's us to head to the throne room and try to get to the bottom of this. She's already sent Starfall to drag Discord here, this screams of his work.” Luna growls.” Nearly every pony in New Canterlot is affected by something from this......what is wrong with your hair?”
“Nothing Luna... I'll get the foals situated and make something to eat for an early breakfast. I doubt I’ll be much help until we have a target any way. Go on and I’ll meet you there.” Jer'rahd looks up at the pegasus. “And you get off my book shelf.”
==============================================
Half an hour later Jer'rahd was allowed entry into the throne room by a pair of Guards, the Pegasus stallion was sporting peacock feathers on his wings, and the unicorn mare had a flugal horn for a horn.
He had spent most of the time trying to convince Berry that she wanted a real breakfast not flies, despite her spider legs.
The room was full of ponies, there were a plethora of nobles and some higher ranked Guards, including Moskau, whose stripes looked like rainbows tail, and Nicker who was see though but had the outline of his form showing in thin white lines. None of the nobles looked that bad, nothing a illusion spell or a mane cut wouldn't fix, but the lot of them were carrying on as if they were dying.
Celestia was a shockingly, painfully, bright glowing pink. There were not even any lights on in the room, the Princess of the Sun was glowing so brightly they didn't need any. Judging by the light out side from the sunrise, the sun might be pink as well.
Twilight stood nearby, her horn limp and spotted, Rarity looked like a ratty sheepdog. Fluttershy seemed normal though he noticed a tiny orange pony sitting on her head that the yellow pegasus occasionally spoke to with a deep baritone voice. Rainbow Dash lay in a corner on her back in a small crater, her wings upside down. Starfall stood over Rainbow Dash , the pegasus's wings buzzing as they resembled a bee's now.
Discord was the single focus of attention for most every pony as he cackled and rolled on the floor in the middle of the room. He stopped occasionally to sit up , point at some pony and fall over laughing again.
Pinkie Pie sat on his chest, looking less than amused with her tongue swollen and spotted, dangling from her mouth.
He made his way over near Luna as the shouting continued around them.
“What do you mean you can't find it? I made sure there was a copy at every library, who was the last pony to check them out?” Twilight asks a pony that looked to be made out of plants at first glance. Though it seemed just her mane, fur and , tail were leafy. “ The cure for poison joke is in that book.”
“I'm sorry Professor Sparkle, but we looked . Every copy of Supernaturals is missing from every library in New Canterlot. Miss Lulumoon even got particularly angry when we informed her she must be mistaken. So angry in fact she started spitting fire.... literally spitting fire, given her head is in the shape of a dragon now I suppose that makes sense. The closest library that has a copy that we have been able to contact is in Manehatten, and we are still having a time convincing them that this is not some sort of joke. It is an older book, one that is out of print so no store carries it any more either.”
“Where's Velkorn? Some one contact her. She practically wrote that book” Starfall yells out.
“She and Rhede are with Spike and Bleu in Cindervale, there's no way to get up with them short of sending some one to fly up there at the moment and they are supposed to be there for a few more weeks.” Luna states. “ Orange is with them training with Velkorn, I expect she would know what the antidote contains too.”
“What about Zecora?” Celestia asks. Some one go get her
“She went to visit Troph and Grace. Something about trying to avoid a excessively pranky relative.” Jer'rahd calls out in answer ignoring Celestia's glare at him. He ignores her moving over to look down at Discord from under his hat.
“Enjoying yourself?” Jer'rahd asks.
“Highly.” Discord giggles.
“Have y’all had any luck finding Aloe or Lotus, they know about this stuff they gotta have something for this as well.” mini Applejack shouts.
“The pair of them have left for their yearly sabbatical dear. They won't be back for weeks.” Rarity sighs.
“What about the hospital, they must have a supply.” yells one of the nobles with long ears like a rabbits.
“The hospital has those for emergencies. Some ponies are highly allergic to poison joke. They refuse to give over what they have left, even to me. Besides they claimed they already used nearly all that they had on hoof, there were far more treatments this year then they were used to.” Celestia growls. “Jer'rahd, your training squad does drills in the Everfree, surely you have some supplies of the treatment on hoof?”
“Fraid not Celestia. I had the trainees clearing out a rather large swath of it we found about two weeks ago. We used what we had then.” Jer'rahd explains, a small grin starting to form on his face.
Discord stops laughing his eyes widening as he notes Jer'rahd's smirk.
“It has to be the .draquo draco... what ever the heck he is, this has to be Discord's fault..!! screams one of the nobles, whose tail stretched about six pony lengths behind him.
“I can say it was not Discord, he was with me all day yesterday and he didn't do anything.” Jer'rahd openly smiles, unnerving the yelling noble.
“This has the makings of some one, or a group of some ones behind it. Otherwise how would every book and bottle of the cure be gone. If Jer'rahd cleared out most of the plants with his troops we might be hard pressed to even find any to study to try and reverse it magically. We're going to be stuck like this until we can find the recipe or some one who knows it..... wait.” Twilight growls. “Jer'rahd why did you have your troops clear out Poison Joke plants in the Everfree? I thought you left them alone to see who didn't study during their survival training?”
The gray pony notes that Sparkles suggestion had both Luna and Celestia looking to him curiously. Trust Sparkle to notice something.
“Normally I do, but I needed enough Poison Joke flowers gathered to make the ink.” Jer'rahd states flatly and rather loudly. The result was better than he could have hoped, the entire throne room fell silent.
“What?” Celestia demands.
“A tip for you Celestia. Don't make the pony who you've sicced the entire town on three years in a row, whom you've pranked and tormented every year, print out the fliers to pass out.” Jer'rahd pulls off his hat, showing that there was nothing wrong with him at all. “Especially if you plan to print enough that you can then pass them out to every pony in New Canterlot.”
Discord yelps as every one in the room stares at Jer'rahd the pieces finally falling into place. The Draconequus quickly rolls away and points at the gray unicorn.
“THAT'S why you did all that! The trip to Zecora's, the Spa!“ Discord's jaw drops as he stares at the chuckling unicorn.
“And why I got rid of the books and all the soap I could get my hooves on. The last of it was used on Pip and Brush before I left, thankfully Berry was fine with her condition, so I used it on Tiberus.” Jer'rahd laughs loudly the sound echoing in the throne room.” Enjoy your week plus of payback for the holiday. I'm done with this holiday and will not be participating in it every again, nor will I allow myself to be a target. Before you consider payback, know that this was the least damaging thing I had planned. Just give the prize to Luna, I've had enough red velvet cake for a while anyway. “
Jer'rahd turned trotting back towards the door figuring he would be on the couch for a month or eight for this. Even with the red velvet cake bribe. His hooves thudded heavily on the floor in the silent hall. “
“Oh yes before I forget, this is a prank after all.....” he shouted making sure every pony could hear him as he stops at the door looking back, his red eye flaring brightly as he regards them all, the fanged grin spreading wider on his face seeming to be on the verge of splitting it in half..
“April Foals.”