//------------------------------// // Guest Chapter: An Unfulfilling Meal (thereallegend123) // Story: Celestia Uses An Online Dating Website // by RainbowBob //------------------------------// Celestia approached the table apprehensively. The stereotypically fancy restaurant’s attendant had pointed to this one, but she hoped he was mistaken. After reading her date’s profile, she had expected some sort of nautical law enforcement official/culinary-themed professional wrestler, with muscles threatening to burst through his cotton shirt, sunglasses framing his chiseled face... but instead, she found herself staring lamely at what looked like two arguing fast food mascots and a sentient ball of manure. She now knew why there was no profile picture. “Shake, I don’t know what this coupon of yours said, but there ain’t no way it’s gonna cover a six-course lobster dinner for eight!” shouted the oversized floating box of fries. “Exactly!” answered the gigantic paper cup, “You don’t know what it said. You just admitted that; it’s on the record now. However, I, being the only financially responsible one around here, knew a killer deal when I saw one and jumped on that like it was my freakin’ job. Next time you land an all-you-can-eat buffet at a joint like this, then you can tell yourself how to spend your own damn money!” “This restaurant doesn’t even offer all-you-can-eat, Shake,” the box face-fried said. “Also, I actually have a job, and I ain’t payin’ for this when it blows up in your face, and then I’m not bailin’ your ass out of jail again!” The two were interrupted by the brown mass of what now appeared to be half-cooked beef, who pounded the table and shouted, “Where’s my big boy glass, Frylock? I need a bigger glass for my chocolate milk, or else Princess Cellophane ain’t gonna know how much a man I is when she gets here!” “Damn it, Meatwad, I told you that’s the biggest size glass that the restaurant has!” Frylock replied, “And you’re just gonna end up spilling your milk all over yourself, anyway.” Meatwad’s expression darkened. “Don’t you act like you done got me figured out, mother[burp]er.” “Excuse me,” Princess Celestia finally cut in, “but are any of you Mr. ‘Aqua Teen Hunger Force’?” The food items turned to face her before the cup smiled and spoke up. “That would be me! Us! That’s us, that thing you just said. Is us. I’m Master Shake—please try to resist your ever-growing need to perform sex on me; that can wait—and this is Frylock and Meatwad!” He gestured to his companions. “They don’t do sex. That’s just my thing.” Frylock raised an eyebrow and stage whispered to Shake, “You got us a date with a horse?” “It’s a pony!” Meatwad exclaimed, “We gon’ have ourself a pony ride!” “Shake,” Frylock asked, “can I talk to you privately?” Shake shook his head. “Absolutely not. Anything you have to say can be said in front of my lovely, rich date here. But enough about her and her tons of money.” He turned to Celestia. “Let’s talk about me, and my oversized johnson!” The princess recoiled in her chair. “Actually,” she began slowly, “I don’t think I’m supposed to be here. The notforeveralone.com profile described a six-foot-tall man—only one man, mind you—with a thick beard, a pronounced chin, and a Norwegian accent.” “Hey,” Shake shouted, “don’t forget the penis!” Celestia sighed. “—and a fourteen-inch penis.” “Fourteen-point-two-inch, baby! I was specific!” “Look,” Frylock sighed, “I’m sorry, but it looks like Master Shake here put up a bogus profile to get a date.” Shake nodded proudly. Celestia rolled her eyes and groaned. “Are any of you even immortal?” “We immortal!” Meatwad said while spilling chocolate milk down his face. “We done lost count o’ how many times we died, but we just keep comin’ back. We like Floyd Mayweather. He back, too. Dat’s what the TV said. But that boy gon’ get his butthole handed to him.” Meatwad lifted his glass and then smashed it on the floor. “I’m easily influenced by television violence.” “Meatwad!” Frylock yelled. “I can’t help it, boy. I got da urge in me. ‘The Urge to Surge.' Starring Manny Pacquiao, and Jamie Foxx. As Electro.” The longer Celestia listened to these creatures talk, the more she felt as if the various parts of her brain were trying to split up and find shelter. Luckily, Frylock, who seemed to be the most sensible of the three, was there to explain: “Yeah, I guess you could say we’re immortal. Even our house just kinda reappears when it’s destroyed. Don’t ask me how it works.” “Okay, so you’re immortal,” Celestia said as she rubbed her temples. It was going to take all her energy to take much more of this, but she was tired of dragging herself out to other dimensions only to have a date last less than a minute. “And you said you have a job, right? What do you do?” Frylock sipped his coffee and carefully answered, “I’m, uh, currently in the, um, food service industry...” “Ha!” Shake laughed. “Not anymore! I called your boss and said you were the one who gave his daughter herpes! You’ve flipped your last burger, my friend!” Shake pounded his fry on the table. “That was Carl, you son of a—OH MY GOD!” His mouth dropped open as a line of waiters carrying platters marched over to the table and began to fill it with lobsters. When they ran out of room, they simply stacked the dishes on top of one another. “Your six-course lobster dinner for eight sir,” one of the waiters finally said, bowing to Shake. Frylock’s face was frozen in a twitching contortion of rage and disbelief, while Shake gnawed ineffectively on a lobster claw, and Meatwad played with two lobsters like dolls. Celestia covered her face in her hooves and shook her head slowly. She just knew she was somehow going to end up paying for this. Eventually, Frylock was able to slowly sputter out some words: “S-S-Shake, you do realize there are only four of us at this table, right?” “Yemph,” replied Shake, mouth full of lobsters. “And you also realize that meals traditionally have only four courses, right?” Frylock sounded dangerously near to spontaneous combustion. “Yep,” said Shake, who had swallowed the lobsters whole, “but I’m special. I deserve special treatment.” “Pew! Pew!” said Meatwad. Frylock’s eyes were starting to glow. “You deserve to have a lobster shoved up your—” “Excuse me, sir,” a waiter suddenly interjected, “but I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.” “No,” said Frylock, throwing his face in his fries, “No, no, NO! You said you paid for this with a [crunch]ing coupon, Shake!” “Oh right,” Shake replied, “I may have exaggerated slightly on the—existence—of said coupon.” The waiter continued, “I’m afraid we’re going to have to keep you here until we arrange an alternate method of payment. Those policemen are just a formality, I assure you.” Celestia looked up to see over a dozen officers blocking the restaurant’s exit. This was not good. “What?” Shake chuckled, “You didn’t really think a coupon would cover all this, did you, Frylock?” For a split second, the entire restaurant was quiet. Then Frylock released the pent up energy from his eyes into Master Shake’s forehead, causing the cup’s entire upper half to explode in flames. Celestia, and several other diners, shrieked in horror as Frylock grabbed Meatwad and what was left of Shake and made for the exit. The police opened fire, but Frylock used his companions as shields and began blowing up the policemen’s heads as well. Celestia finally overcame her shock enough to realize that she needed to end the carnage before everyone ended up dead. She quickly began to prepare the first spell that came to mind and aimed her horn at the Aqua Teens. ‘Approximate weight...’ she muttered, ‘Lunar alignment...’ As she fired the blast of magic, Shake, somehow still alive and aware, lifted one of the large silver platters in front of his charred body and shouted, “NOT TODAY, MOTHAAAAAAH!” The spell bounced off the reflective surface and hit Celestia right between her eyes. Celestia woke to feel something poking her in the flank. She shook her leg and heard something scuttle away from her, followed by a high-pitched voice. “Aw, dude, it’s alive!” “Yes, I know that,” a deeper, monotonous voice replied, “That is what I said.” “Nuh-uh, man, you said it was dead. You owe me five bucks!” “I said it was dead?” “Yeah!” “No, I didn’t.” “Yes, you [boop]ing did, dude! It’s alive, so I get five bucks!” “You are clearly mistaken. It was I who said it was alive.” “BULL[BOOP]!” Celestia’s spinning head could take no more. “SILENCE!!!” she exclaimed in the Royal Canterlot Voice. She quickly rose and spun around, to discover two distressing facts: One, she was staring down a couple of neon two-dimensional creatures in the middle of a barren wasteland, and much more pressing, two, she was on the moon. “Oh gross, dude, it’s a rainbow unicorn! GGAAAAAYYYY!” the pink one giggled. “Do not be rude, Err. It is time for the traditional ‘Welcome to the Moon’ initiation party,” the green one said, lifting a moon rock over his head. Celestia rubbed her temples once more. “Oh, [buy some apples].”