Entry Ten.
My mom was in hospital for a few weeks before I got to visit her. The very idea of visiting her both frightened me and excited me. I wanted to see my mom again because I loved her, but at the same time I was afraid to see her because, I thought, that she would have changed being away for so long. There must’ve been something really wrong if they had to take her away from me and I knew it, even then.
Another thing that I think frightened me about going to see her was that she would see that I’d changed as well. Sure as Silas I was still pretty much the same. I still looked the same (bar my cutie mark, which I thought she’d be proud of), I still had the same sense of humour, I was still a kind and considerate foal—the only difference was that I was always on edge.
Ever since I’d attacked Cinders at school I’d been wary about what I did. I’d spend a lot of time outside, in the open air just walking all by myself to nowhere in particular. I found that it cleared my head and the further away from ponies I was the better it was for everypony.
I didn’t understand where this hatred had come from but I could feel it burning inside of me. I could feel that I was different deep down and nopony else could. I wanted to protect ponies from it. I wanted to save them from anything I might do.
Cinders hadn’t been the last incident of Sombra but, thankfully, there hadn’t been any worse than him. He usually came when I was alone. The only reason I knew that he’d come is because, although I’d feel like I’d been walking only about an hour or two, I’d find out that I’d been gone for anywhere up to half-a-day.
I didn’t know what Sombra had done during that time. I still don’t really know, but from what I’d seen him do to Cinders I knew it couldn’t be anything good. Plus, I could feel that he was bad. There was no good in him and because, at the time, I didn’t know that it was another pony inside of me I thought that I was the bad one. I thought I was the monster that could hurt others and that drove me almost insane with worry.
Still when the time came to go and see my mother again I’d made my mind up to put on a brave face and pretend that everything was alright. I didn’t want to add to her worries or set her back in her treatment. The faster she was better the faster she could come home to me where she’d be happy and I could look after her. As much as I love living with Rosen and Lilac I couldn’t wait to have my family back again. I needed a mother. I needed my mom.
The hospital sort of resembled N.E.M.I., except that it was far worse. I don’t know. There was just something about it. Everywhere I went sadness and unhappiness seemed to follow. There was an unbelievable stench of sick ponies—the kind of smell that you can always smell in graveyards, except a tiny bit weaker—and it was failing at being masked by all of the cleaning products the nurses and doctors smothered all over the floors and walls and—well, everything. From bedspread to toilet, it all had this horrid odour of hiding the truth from the visitors and patients. It was like they couldn’t accept what these ponies were going through and were trying to hide it from themselves.
I decided I didn’t like doctors as soon as I walked through the doors. It wasn’t like I had anything against them personally. A lot of them were really nice to me, as anypony would be to a small colt who’d come to visit his sick mother, but they just made me feel uncomfortable. These ponies, these ordinary ponies whose only difference to me was a bit more information and a fancy coat, these ponies were in charge of what happened to my mother. And in that way it was them that decided what happened to me. It didn’t seem right. I didn’t like how much power they had over me.
I suppose in some way that’s why I’m still uncomfortable when I run into Doctor Dove or anypony else wearing white and smelling of overpowering soap. I’m more relaxed now, and I can hide my fear (especially since I know that they’re only trying to help me get rid of Sombra and save the ponies I care for), but that doesn’t change my first impressions of them. The first impression is always a lasting impression no matter what you do.
My mother still looked exactly like my mother. I don’t know what they had her on, but it certainly seemed to be working. She was bordering on too relaxed and happy when I saw her. Her eyes were half-closed all of the time, her cheeks constantly flushed, and her smile never changing from its tight-lipped teeth-clenching position. She already looked like she’d died and moved on. She was an angel. An angel trapped on the earth and staring down at me as if I was a flower ready to be picked and smelt.
The nurse who came with me was called Nurse Tender Heart and she was one of the sweetest mares I’ve ever met. Unlike my mom she was like an angel who belonged on the earth—ready to protect, care for and look after anypony who needed her. I needed her, just as much as I need nurses like Morning Glory and night guards like Rainbow Dragon now. Without one ray of hope you’re kind of stuck and going nowhere.
Nurse Tender Heart helped me onto the side of my mother’s bed and then shut the curtains around us to give us some privacy. She said she’d go and see how Princess Lilac and her guard Sir. Centipede were getting along—and maybe give them a drink if they wanted it (they’d accompanied me since I was too young to go into the hospital alone). I could have all the time in the world to talk things over. However I couldn’t be too long because visiting hours only lasted for at most two hours.
I wasn’t there very long in the end anyway. I don’t think we even managed half an hour before my mom decided that she was tired and I was too uncomfortable to fight to stay.
She just wasn’t my mom in that place. She didn’t smell the same, she didn’t really look the same and she didn’t really act the same. Sure, she was nice and she’d always been nice but she was overly nice—if you know what I mean. She spoke in this simpering voice all of the time that sent shivers up my spine. It made me miss the days that she used to shout at me to stop wasting the seeds and to stop drinking the milk before she’d managed to turn it into butter. She might have been telling me off but at least I’d known how much she loved me. Now it seemed like a fairy or a breezy had jumped into her body and turned her into a sweetie-pie little chump. It was annoying. Really annoying.
The only amount of genuine thanks I’d been given was when I’d given her her present at the beginning of the visit.
When I’d been walking one time I’d stumbled upon a great pile of crystals and, knowing how much my mother loved them from our time on the farm (crystals had been all over the house to help my mother’s homesickness), I’d taken one especially pretty one to give to her as a surprise. I figured that, even though the hospital was as crystal as the rest of the Crystal Kingdom is, a small bit of crystal would take her back to how happy we were back at the farm. I figured it would show her just how much she means to me.
I was right. She nearly cried when she saw it and she gave me the most genuine hug I’d had from her in a long time. I just wanted to hold onto her forever, despite how clinical she smelled, and feel her love holding me closer and closer. It lasted longer than I probably realised. I felt like it was over in a matter of seconds, but in truth it went on for at least a minute, if not two or three.
She loved the crystal. She wanted more crystals. I wanted to give her more crystals and I could feel it inside of me that Sombra wanted to get more crystals to. It was sort of a blessing that, feeling like Sombra cared for my mom just as much as I did. I’m pretty sure he still does. Why else would he want crystals so badly? There was no other reason—except power and money, I suppose, but I prefer to think that it was love.
Before I left my mother hugged me again, but it didn’t feel the same as the first one.
‘I don’t know what I’d do without you,’ she’d said. ‘You’re the best little colt in the world and I love you more than anything.’
I’d nearly cried then but I was pushed out of the room by Nurse Tender Heart before I could. Mom really needed some sleep. I saw her crash out on the bed, her mouth wide open and drooling before I’d even managed to get out of the room.
Somehow I managed to hold my feelings in until Lilac and Centipede had walked me back the my room in the palace, but then, as soon as I’d made it to the side of my bed (and everypony else had left) I let rip. I cried and cried and cried. I still cry when I think about it. I can’t help it. It’s just the thought of seeing her in that place—and now, seeing me here now—it brings it all back.
I’m sorry. I just can’t write any more. I’m so, so, so sorry. I just...