//------------------------------// // Fifth Broadcast (Island Survivor) // Story: Discord Underground Talk Radio // by Ironskull //------------------------------// "Welcome to the fifth broadcast of the ever more popular Discord Underground Talk Radio! However, despite the name of the radio station, I am recording this week's show outside, on the beaches of quite a lovely tropical island. But I'll explain more about that later. "The top story this week! Four fillies and one mare were discovered in identical states of sleep that nopony could awaken them from. They were in this state for over twenty-four hours before Princess Luna finally determined that they were all stuck in a mysterious dream world and rescued them, and also identified the culprit behind putting the in such a state in the first place. "The culprit was me! Who would have guessed! And so, as punishment, it was decreed that I was to be confined to the very same dream world for an entire week. Which explains why I am currently stranded on the beach of this lone island with nothing but ocean around me for as far as my eyes can see. "I can't help it! An outburst of chaos was bound to occur sooner or later! I just can't seem to stay out of trouble. Hopefully I will be released on time so that this week's program isn't late. "Naturally, this is a problem for me. It is impossible for me to receive my weekly mail here. But something so trivial is no problem for the lord of chaos! "I present to you a special program: Discord the Island Survivor, where I tell the tale of how I manage to survive a week in complete isolation without the every day conveniences that make life easy! "This is the first day of my isolation on this forsaken island, and I must admit... I don't have any idea what I'm doing. "I am awfully hungry though. In fact, I would go so far as to venture to say that I am getting faint with hunger. And thirst. That tends to be a problem when you're stuck on an island, you see. Food is an especially serious problem when you are a draconequus and can't even eat the ferns and grass and palm fronds as a last resort like ponies can. Because I'm picky like that. "I am hoping that I can loot the shelter of the island's previous occupants and make the problem go away. I'm coming up on it right now. "Hmm, how unfortunate. It would appear that all of their supplies has been removed from the site, with only a crude lean-to shack left as evidence of former occupation. That is a problem. Now I have to actually work to find something edible. "There has got to be something around here. Think, Discord. What was that old saying again? "Oh, yes! 'One can always find food if only they know where to look.' "At first, there appears to be nothing edible on this whole island. But, lets look, say... underneath this rock. Now, remember, always keep a stick ready when looking under the rocks in case a snake comes slithering out. Let's see what we have here. "Nope, no snakes, just this chocolate sponge cake. "Day two. "One important difference between life on a deserted island in the middle of the ocean and life in a pony settlement is that the weather tends to run wild. This is because the weather outside of Equestria is not controlled by pegasi, but rather by the spirit of the air. "I bring this up because there is a thunderstorm on the horizon today, and, of course, it's headed straight my way. "You may think that the best way to deal with a thunderstorm is to hide in a shelter, but you would be wrong. Actually, the best way to get away from a thunderstorm is to build a raft and oar out of driftwood and row out to where the thunderstorm can't get you. "I have already built myself a raft. Let's see how well it holds my weight. "Hmm. Not very well apparently. I promise that it's not because I'm fat. In fact, the problem is that the spirit of the water is looking on top of my little raft and beholding the terrifying image of the one and only lord of chaos, which causes it to move away out of fear, leaving no water left for the raft to float on. "The only solution is to hide my figure from the spirit of the water by putting walls on the raft. "So, let's try this again now, shall we? Ah, just as I suspected. With the addition of the walls, my raft now floats just fine, and just in time too. The thunderstorm is almost here. I am now currently in the process of rowing out. "There. I should be safe here. There's no way that stupid thunderstorm is going to rain on me when I've parked my raft above it. "Now all that's left to do is wait for the storm to pass while I eat this strawberry ice cream that I found in a burrow today. And play 'I spy' with myself. "Oh, that's right. I won't be able to see a thing on the ground when those rain clouds get here. How about a nice game of 'tag, I'm it' then? "Day three. "Last night, I was reminded of something very important when it comes to surviving on a deserted island. One some nights, it can get unusually cold. In order to combat this, one needs to have the knowledge to build a fire. "The procedure is fairly straight forward. I will explain my process as I do it. First, take a sturdy long strip of bark, and wrap it around a stick a couple of times. Then, take the ends of the bark and tie them to the ends of another flexible stick, creating something that looks rather like a bow. "And then all you have to do is put the stick that you wrapped the bark around with its end poking into something flammable, like this piece of driftwood. Push back and forth on the flexible stick, causing the bark to spin the stick that it is wrapped around, which in turn causes friction on the driftwood." BLAM "... This simple, but shockingly effective ritual will cause the spirit of fire to rain flaming brimstone from the sky and ignite the driftwood, as well as everything else in a small radius. "Day four. "Today, something strange washed up on the beach. It was some sort of ball thing with dried grass poking out of the top of it. Strangest of all, it had a face painted on it. "It turns out that not only am I the only intelligent creature on this island, I am in fact the only creature on the island whatsoever. So I have made the ball my new best friend in this world. It bears a giant letter 'M' on the side, which clearly indicates that his name is Milton. "An important part of life on a deserted island is that, after you have secured your own survival, find something entertaining and chaotic to entertain yourself and your comrades while awaiting rescue, or, in my case, release. "Like drag racing. "The contestants are all waiting at the start line, ready and eager to go! And there's the green flag! "Discord opens by rocketing ahead of the competition! "And then subsequently veers off course because he was looking back at the competition instead of keeping his eyes on the track. This will certainly be a tremendous setback for the lord of chaos! "But, astoundingly, Discord makes a smooth recovery and reclaims the position of first place! "And with an incredible burst of speed, Discord crosses the finish line almost as quickly as it began! Better luck next time to Milton, who apparently has yet to move from the start line. "Day five. "Milton is gone. "Earlier today I noticed that he was glaring at me, so I asked him what was wrong. "He told me that he couldn't believe that I would force five young ponies to go through the experience of being stranded on an island for a week." "I didn't realize that Milton is such a judgmental thing. So I decided to get rid of him. "I shot him out of a tree cannon and into the ocean. See how he likes that. "I spent the rest of the morning wondering if I had done the right thing. While eating waffles. "I spent the afternoon tap-dancing. "Day six. "In light of the loss of Milton, I have decided that I need to find some new friends. And what better way to find new friends than to open a popular new business? "So, I have now crossed something else out on my rather lengthy bucket list when I opened a martini bar. "A good bar tender needs to be patient. So I have waited and waited. "So far, no customers, but it's the thought that counts. "Of course, such an envious business is sure to become the target of pirates at sea. I need to consider making fortifications and defenses to protect my assets. "Of course, I should be getting out of here tomorrow, but you never know. It could happen before then. "Day seven. "Halt! You are trespassing on the grounds of Fort Luftwaffe! State your business or prepare for aerial bombing via coconuts!" "Discord? What in Equestria are you doing?" "Why, it's Princess Luna in the flesh! Stand down, everypony!" "Who art thou talking to?" "I'm talking to my audience of course!" "Thou art transmitting even here?" "No, but I can record everything and transmit it later! Would you care for a martini, Princess?" "What? Nay! What art we to do with you, Discord? I told them that something like this would happen, but they decided to go along with it anyway. Can they not see that this effort is in vain?" "Nonsense! I think I needed this! A much appreciated island vacation. Oh, by the way, Princess. I would like to ask you to reconsider my offer to interview you for my audience." "The answer is still no, Discord. Why would I submit to thy foolishness?" "Because, Princess, on D.U.T.R., you can say whatever you want about whatever you want! And there's nopony else here to stop you!" "... Discord. I have reconsidered your offer. Ask me your questions." "Really? Fantastic! "Okay, so there is just one thing that I just have to know. What is your opinion of my radio show?" "At first, I found it to be repulsive garbage." "You wound me, Princess! But considering you said, 'at first', I assume your opinion has changed?" "Yes. I have realized that you bring to light many glaring issues that my sister has neglected to address properly, including problems with the sewage system, garbage disposal system, and public school system. I find it shocking that my sister procrastinates this much." "Ah. It is good to know that those discussions were not in vain. Can we expect you to step in and correct the problems where Princess Celestia has failed?" "Indeed. But my greatest complaint with the rule of my sister is her insistence on keeping secrets from everypony when their safety is on the line. It is almost enough for me to take matters into my own hooves!" "I see. One such matter being the threat that Equestria currently faces from... a certain dragon?" "Wha- Why... Why, of course... Maybe. Perhaps you could refresh my memory?" "Oh, you know, that one thousand mile long space-dragon creature that wants to eat the sun for lunch." "Hmm. Indeed, that is probably him. He threatens to cause Equestria to fall under eternal night. Again. Celestia wishes to keep this a secret until the last possible minute, but I believe that it is only fair to warn the general population as soon as possible. "Do you have any information on when this dragon might be arriving?" "Yes. I have managed to pinpoint his location in the east during the night sky, with the assistance of a fine telescope. Based on my calculations, he should arrive in almost exactly one month." "I'm sure that there's no need to panic. Princess Celestia is certain to have some sort of a plan." "I do have plans myself, should my sister prove unwilling to act." "Well, thank you for your time, Princess. I would very much like to return to the world of reality now so that I can prepare the program for this week." "That is all that you have to ask me?" "Yes. I think, considering the weight of the situation, we have given everypony more than enough to think about." "... Very well." "Wait, before we go, I need to sign out! Apologies for my inability to answer questions this week, but everything should be returning to normal next week. Remember, keep your eyes out for some changes in the near future! Also remember to stay reasonably safe while still allowing for a healthy dose of chaos, everypony! "You have been listening to Discord Underground Talk Radio. For those of you who missed part of the program, tune in again in two hours for a repeat of this week's program."