//------------------------------//
// Lesson 4: The Great Time Bush 
// Story: Discord's Apprentice 
// by Architect Ironturtle 
//------------------------------//

Pinkie Pie woke up happy, and in other news, the sky was blue, the sun was shining, and the smell of baked goods was already wafting up from the kitchen. Unfortunately, that happiness only lasted until she tried to get out of bed, at which point she overbalanced and toppled off the side.

"Oww," she moaned as she climbed to her hooves, "Why is my bed closer to the floor? Gummy, did you see it move?" Gummy, her toothless pet alligator, just blinked, like he always did. "Of course not, you're too busy thinking! My little thinker, that's you." She hugged him, squeezing until his eyes popped out and rolled across the room. "Oh, that's not good. Here, let me help." She picked his eyeballs up, gave them a polish, and slammed them back in his head, where they rolled around a few times before settling into their usual position of pointing in two directions. "There, all better." He blinked, slowly.

She fed him, and proceeded to get ready for the day, noting that the bathroom seemed to have shrunk while she wasn't looking. It must be in cahoots with the bed. She asked Gummy to keep an eye on them in case they changed size again, and trotted downstairs, ducking to avoid smacking her head against the door-frame.

As she stepped into the store proper, her nose was suddenly assaulted with the smell of frostbitten fritters. She followed it to the auxiliary kitchen, where Mr. Cake was messing with one of the ovens, which had frozen over. "Lousy, no-good, piece of-oh, hi Pinkie," he said, extricating himself from the back of the oven. "This old Hoofer's acting up again." He gave it a solid kick, which had absolutely no effect. "It really seems broken this time," he continued, "The usual repairs just aren't working. I'll have to order a new one, and in the meantime we'll be down one baking unit."

DOWN A BAKING UNIT!? Pinkie gasped. UNACCEPTABLE! "Don't worry, Mr. Cake, Fix-It Pinkie is on the case!" Pinkie proclaimed, donning a toolbelt and blue-collar shirt. She stepped up to the oven, and examined it from every angle. When that produced no clues on how to fix it, she close her eyes, focused, and Saw. She knew the kitchen gear operated on magic, which is why Mr. Cake was able to repair it, but until today she hadn't been able to see it. With her Sight open, the problem became obvious: somepony had made a sloppy heating knot during production, and it leaked excess energy that messed with the entire unit. Pinkie reached out, and with a few quick tugs, undid the knot and retied it neatly, like the bow on a present.

Mr. Cake's mouth fell open as he watched the frost disappear into thin air, "Pinkie, since when do you know how to fix these things?" he asked.

"What did you think being Discord's apprentice entailed?" she replied, "Sitting on a cotton candy cloud and watching the world go crazy?" Mr. Cake gaped. Pinkie just grinned, and summoned a bowler hat. "So what's the plan, boss?" She said in a bad Hockney accent.

Mr. Cake managed to regain control of his faculties long enough to fill her in. They'd been asked to cater Button Mash's birthday, and another order of carrot cakes had come in from Canterlot. All in all, a fairly regular day. Pinkie was to mare the store except when she catered the party, as was her specialty. Mrs. Cake had taken the foals to a doctor's appointment, and would be gone most of the day, so it was just the two of them. 

"Okie-Dokie-Lokie!" Pinkie saluted Mr. Cake and went to open shop, oblivious to the stare he was directing at her tail as it trailed on the ground.


88888888


Discord stepped up to the podium wearing a tuxedo with a white bow-tie in front of an orchestra of fruit. The kumquats were on the strings, The pineapples played percussion, the bananas blew the brass, the watermelon whistled into the woodwinds, and a choir of grapes was standing at the ready. Discord tapped his baton against the musical score, and began to conduct.

"Bravo, bravo, everypony!" he said after the music had faded, "Remember, practice is at 3 P.M. sharp tomorrow, don't miss it!" The fruits packed up their instruments and headed back to the kitchen. "Well," Discord said after they'd all left. "That killed-" he checked his watch, then groaned and slapped a paw against his face. "Twenty-five minutes. Argh, I'm so bored! Nothing holds my attention anymore! Why do I have to wait until this afternoon to visit Pinkie, anyway?"

"Because you promised to not step into the Cakes's store unless it was closed?" Answered his voice, coming from his right shoulder.

"Oh, joy," Discord drawled, "You guys again."

"Yep!" Answered another voice, this time from the opposite side. "Come on, go pay her a visit! It's so drab around here, and she always manages to liven up the place."

"Don't you remember what I did to you two the last time you showed up?" Discord growled.

"Let's see," said George, spinning his halo around a talon.

"You turned us inside out," started Eddie, balanced zen style on top of his knork.

"Set our insides on fire,"

"Then melted the ashes,"

"Used the rubbery remains to blow balloon animals,"

"Which you then popped,"

"And finally," George finished, "dumped the broken pieces into a supernova, which you then threw down a black hole."

"I think that covers it," said Eddie, nodding sagely.

"And what, exactly, is stopping me from doing all that again?" Discord threatened.

"Besides your tendency to never repeat yourself?" said George, "The fact that we wouldn't be here if you didn't have a moral dilemma that needed solving."

Discord pulled a rapier out of his torso. "Touche," he said. "So, what's this so called problem?"

"Isn't it obvious?" snarked Eddie, "We're here to talk about Pinkie, dumbflank!"

George face-palmed. "What my brother meant to say was, 'We're here to help you decide whether breaking a Pinkie Promise is worth getting to see her sooner.' I for one, think it isn't."

"Of course you don't," snorted Eddie, "You're the good one, remember?"

"How could I forget?" drawled George.

"Shut up, both of you!" snapped Discord, "This is why I don't like you guys. Hearing my own voice in stereo gets annoying, especially when I don't control what it says." He smashed a boombox under hoof.

"Well, excuuuuse me!" said Eddie, "Brother, let's run down the problem."

"Very well," said George as Discord plopped onto his couch with a grunt, "You want to go see Pinkie Pie, but you can't visit Sugarcube Corner because you Pinkie Promised not to enter during store hours."

"Which is as close to an unbreakable vow as the universe has," continued Eddie, "Furthermore, the pony responsible for enforcing the Pinkie Promise is the exact same one you want to see."

"Which means that she'll probably be less than pleased with you if you break it," concluded George.

"But it's so tempting," teased Eddie, "You love doing stuff with her. She's the most fun you've had since you reformed!"

"It's not worth it," warned G, "She'll be really mad at you."

"Enough," Discord said coolly. They both shut up, knowing that a calm Discord was way more dangerous than a loud one. "George, run the exact wording of my Promise past me again?"

"Ahem." George unrolled a scroll, "'I, Discord, Pinkie Promise to never set hoof, talon, or any other piece of my body inside Sugarcube Corner during store hours.'"

"Does it say anything about the area around the store?" Discord queried.

George flipped through his notes. "Nope."

"I'll catch her when she steps outside, then," stated Discord, "Now scram, both of you." They vanished, although Eddie stabbed him with his knork on the way out. The hole bled golden honey for a moment before Discord sealed it.

He then snapped his fingers, appearing on the outskirts of Ponyville in a black jumpsuit. "I know what I must do," he stated gravely as music started to play. As it did, he took off through the town, slinking over rooftops, jumping from chimney to chimney, and gathering a lot of strange looks from those ponies who didn't instantly run away screaming. It turns out playing music while trying to sneak around is extremely counterproductive.

Finally after attracting the attention of at least half the town, Discord settled onto the roof of one of the houses opposite the establishment, and pulled out half a pair of binoculars. Holding it up to his eye, he settled in to wait. 

"Hi, Discord!" shouted Pinkie over his shoulder. Discord proceeded to demonstrate he was just as capable as a cat of moving in seven different directions all at once without budging an inch, simultaneously leaping into the air before he crashed down onto the roof with a mighty squeak. "Watcha' doin'?"

"Pinkie!" Discord said indignantly, "How did you know I was here. And how did you sneak up on me?"

"Well, I was going on lunch break," began Pinkie, "When all of a sudden I got a Sense! A wiggly tail plus trembly knees and a twitchy nose means I was being spied on, so I took a look-see and there you were, curled up here looking totally silly! After that, I just bounced up and said, 'Hi, Discord!' and you were all, 'blagh!' and I was all, 'giggle!' and-"

Discord cut her off by pulling her muzzle off her face. "I think I get the idea," he drawled, "So, you're on break, you said?" Pinkie stared at him indignantly before she gestured at her mouth, and Discord felt sheepish for a moment as he gave it back to her.

"Yep-a-roonie! So why are you out here, anyway? I've got some stuff to do," Pinkie glanced over Discord's shoulder, and he turned to see  Twilight walking through the crowd, clearly looking for somepony, with bits of her mane sticking up and a twitching right ear. "She's only going to get worse if I don't talk to her."

"Hold on," Discord said thinking quickly, "Let me handle this."

He snapped his fingers and teleported directly in front of Twilight, holding a stack of papers in the now desolate town square. "Here, these have the data you're looking for, now stop stalking my apprentice." Twilight stared at the readings in confusion before her face lit up. She all but tore them out of his grip and sprinted back to her castle, leaving Discord coughing in a cloud of dust. After the air had cleared, he nodded to himself, then teleported back to the roof Pinkie was standing on, her expression torn between concern and amusement.

"That takes care of that," he said smugly.

"Aw, I was kind of looking forward to messing with her again," Pinkie said wistfully, "You must be rubbing off on me."

"Now, whatever gave you that idea?" Discord drawled, wiping a brown stain off her side. She just just stared at him for a moment, then burst into giggles.

"Who am I kidding, I can't stay mad at you," she wheezed out, "Now what are we doing this time? It can't take long, I have to cater Button Mash's party soon."

Discord smiled slyly. "Don't worry, Pinkie. Where we're going, we'll have all the time in Equestria."

Pinkie rolled over onto her back and looked up at him, curious. "Remember how I said you lived in a small, impoverished subset of reality?" Pinkie nodded. "It's time to leave it. Now I can't really explain it, since as a 3-dimensional creature like yourself wouldn't be able to wrap her head around it, but I can show you." He held out his paw, and Pinkie took it carefully. "Hold on tight. It's about to get trippy, man," Discord discarded the tie-die shirt he was wearing, and pulled.


????????


Pinkie blinked, and looked around. She and Discord were floating in a void filled with glowing white lines that stretched in every direction, including some she hadn't even known existed, until they faded off into the distance. When she inspected the closest tube, she saw... Ponyville, just at the point she and Discord had left. Everypony in the square had stopped moving, their mouths open in speech, or their eyes caught mid blink. She could even spot Twilight, frozen in mid stride, galloping towards her castle. Looking a bit up the strand, she saw herself trotting back in to Sugercube Corner, before it branched off into several different threads, each one portraying slightly different events.

"Discord," she said slowly, "What is this place?" She turned to look at him, and had to force her mouth shut to keep from screaming. Discord had a massive round growth sticking out of his back, pointing in a direction she couldn't quite wrap her head around, as it didn't seem to be one of the standard six. It was covered in eyes and random limbs, like some sick god had dropped a zoo in a blender and reanimated the bloody remains. Discord blinked in confusion at her reaction for a moment, before his eyes widened and the growth disappeared into a hole in space.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Pinkie, I completely forgot about that little detail." When she gave him a questioning look, he continued, "My body can't quite fit into the universe as you know it. While you live in three dimensions, up, down, left, right, and forwards, backwards, I live in six or so. I'm too big to squeeze into one of these timelines, so part of me is always just hanging out. That's what you saw. However, you'll have to mare up, I'm tame compared to some of the eldritch out there. As for where we are..."

Discord spun in a slow circle as he said, "Welcome to reality as it really is. These branches represent every possible outcome of every single event, stretching all the way back to the Origin of Existence. It's gone by many names, including Yggdrasil and The World Tree, but thanks to its squat shape, I prefer to call it The Great Time Bush. Today's lesson will be outside of the normal flow of time, and as such we're in no hurry to return. The entire world will wait until we get back." Pinkie's mouth fell open. "Now, before we can go exploring, you need to learn how to set a homing beacon. I've already placed one myself, but it will be best if you do so as well."

"Um, Discord? If you've already made one, then why not just show me how so we can go exploring that much faster? I bet they have the most parties out there."

"THIS IS NOT UP FOR DEBATE!" Discord shouted, poking Pinkie in the forehead, "SET A HOMING BEACON, AND DO IT NOW."

Pinkie's ears flattened against her head as she set to work with the instructions he'd just given her, both hurt and confused. He never shouted at her, no matter what happened, or how well she was doing. It was disconcerting to say the least. By the time she'd finished, Discord seemed to have cooled off, though he still looked stern.

"I'm sorry, Pinkie," he began, "I shouldn't have shouted at you. It's just," he sighed, staring off into the void, "I learned that particular lesson the hard way." 

Pinkie reclined in the air, watching him intently as he spoke. "You probably wouldn't have guessed, but I'm not from Equestria originally. My home is out there," he gestured out into the Bush, "Back in my early days, I was the Chaos lord of a totally different timeline, and it was the most boring job in existence. So one day, I decided to take a break. I cast off into the tree in search of amusement. However, when I went to go back-"

"You couldn't find it?" Pinkie gasped, horrified.

"Worse," Discord answered, "And don't interrupt. Oh, I most certainly found it, it and 100 other timelines that resembled mine closely enough that I couldn't tell the difference. I had no idea which one was actually mine. I tried just picking one at random, but it just didn't feel right. It wasn't home, and my true home was buried under a pile of copycats. So, I left, bouncing my way across the Tree. Eventually, I found Equestria, a world where I actually felt like  sticking around longer than it would take to set up a couple of pranks. Eventually, it became my new home, but I never stopped visiting my old cluster, trying to figure out which one was mine, if only to get a sense of closure."

WHUMP. Discord wobbled in the air a bit, then stared down at Pinkie's new perch on his midsection in surprise. It took him a moment to figure out what was happening, and when the response finally came back, a floor appeared out of nowhere and slammed into his back. She was hugging him! He never got hugs!

"Don't be sad, Master," Pinkie mumbled into his coat. "If you'd never come to Equestria, you wouldn't have gotten to date the Princess, or played all those pranks with me! And I would never have found out what I really was. So be happy, Discord, that such a sad mistake had such a happy result."

Discord chuckled and ruffled her mane, although the vibrant curls made it impossible to tell. "I'm not sad, Pinkie, just nostalgic. Now that I've got you, Fluttershy, and Celestia, I wouldn't leave even if my real home appeared right in front us." 

Pinkie beamed, and released him. "Then what are we  waiting for!? Let's go!" She took off down the tree, legs swimming through the air. 

Discord laughed, and followed her. "Hold up, Pinkie! I've got some great places to show you!"