The Moment No Pony was Waiting For (A Death Battle Parody)

by TundraStanza

Side Battle: The Ones That Fell From Grace

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A/N: There must be something wrong with me to even consider this matchup.
Properties in this chapter belong to Hasbro, ScrewAttack, Square Enix, and The Inverted Shadow.
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Is there a nugget of truth in the idea that the first pick is the worst?

Instructors have to be ready to take on a number of different students. Some students are eager to learn for the sake of knowledge and improving themselves. Others, however, seek power regardless of cost, be it their peers or their very souls.

Will victory go to Painset Shimmercakes, the version of Sunset Shimmer that went so far as to fuse herself with a phantom monster from beyond the grave?

Or can Riku, the original boy that was supposed to be chosen by the Keyblade, use his renewed sense of self to take her down?

She's N and I'm F.

And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.

Painset Shimmercakes
-Self-proclaimed god; has an ego that rivals Trixie's
-Originally the unicorn Sunset Shimmer
-Magically infused with the ghost of Painis V----cakes (Oh gosh, why?)
-Now a monstrous alicorn with three different voices swimming in her head
-Typical spells: levitation, illumination, teleportation, magic bolts
-Unusual magic: object disintegration, invisibility, limb shrinking, cake conjuring, nail gun shots, self-activated UberCharge
-Other abnormalities: Bullet-proof wings that disappear for a few seconds after blocking an attack, vomit blobs induced by overuse of magic, switches voices every time she cracks her neck
-Can't seem to properly coordinate which spell she's using at any given time

Oh, gross. That looks like one of my classmate's finger painting projects.

From elementary school?

No, high school.

Right... *ahem* From what little sense our research team could make of the Elements of Insanity series, Sunset Shimmer followed a similar path to what was laid out in the IDW Comic #2. She was Princess Celestia's student until she was found out for being power hungry.

And then she went through the worst rendition of the High School Musical movie. Then, she came back to Equestria... for some reason. It's not really clear why. All we can tell is that the last-minute, apologetic attitude didn't carry over when she returned to her pony self.

For better or for worse, Sunset ran into Trixie and they decided to team up due to their mutual hatred of Twilight Sparkle. Come to think of it, that's a rather flimsy board of common ground to stand on.

Yeah, the series seems to be relying heavily on shock value rather than having any semblance of sense. Anyway, their teleporting around led to a hidden weapons vault that just so happened to contain a magic portal to another world. But instead of being an Earth that is clearly not Earth, it was the graveyard map for Team Hat Simulator 2.

Don't you mean Team Fortress 2?

That's what I said: Team Hat Simulator 2.

After some less than wholesome spells were cast, in what I can only assume is some form of forbidden dark arts, Sunset was infused with a ghost of some insane character. What that character was, it's not really clear because its gravestone marker was unreadable.

Whatever it was gave her a whole bunch of colors splattered over her body as well as a set of powers more confusing than Queen Elsa. Additionally, the new abomination decided to refer to herself as Painset Shimmercakes. Oh, and she forced Trixie to fuse with a spirit from a different gravestone, but that's not important right now.

In addition to the spells typically known among unicorns, Painset also obtained extraordinary magic that allows her to do things such as turn invisible, disintegrate objects such as amulets, conjure nails to shoot at high velocities, shrink enemies' body parts such as their head or their wings...

... give herself an UberCharge, and summon cakes out of thin air. Why? How? It's not really clear.

Due to her unusual body, her wings can actually block bullets. Though, they temporarily shrink down to nothing after a successful defensive round.

When she relies too heavily on her various magical powers, she gets sick to her stomach... literally.

Sometimes in desperate situations, she gets her vast arsenal of spells mixed up and uses the wrong one at the most crucial of times.

Still, it was pretty impressive that she was able to hold her own against one of the Elements of Insanity, a cyborg RED soldier, and a Scout by herself. Though, the other voices that use her mouth might have been interfering with her aim. It's not really clear what was going on there.

I'm not sure which is worse, the Element of Insanity that Twilight's become in that universe, or the pony-shaped... thing hellbent on destroying her.

I can take 'em!

I said no, F.

"I think you'll find I'm anything but a coward."

Riku
-According to Kingdom Hearts 1, he was the Keyblade's first choice as its wielder
-Succumbed to the darkness of Xehanort's Heartless
-Long story short, he's back to normal, yet still wields some of the power of Darkness
-Keyblade: Way to the Dawn
-Fighting style: quick, one-handed
-Skills: A springing kick, inconsistent super strength, can wield other warriors' Keyblades just as effectively as his own
-Darkness powers: Dark Shield, Dark Firaga, Dark Aura
-Passed Yen Sid's test to become a Keyblade Master
-Has lost duels with Sora on multiple occasions despite being the "strongest child" on Destiny Islands

"If there are other worlds out there, why did we end up on this one?"

About ten years ago, the ambitious Keyblade Master Xehanort was consumed by darkness. He was seeking the legendary Kingdom Hearts, a source of untold power. He had been looking into the ancient Keyblade War that was fought between light and darkness in an attempt to control that power. He figured he was close to finding the means necessary to finding it.

But, the geezer ran into a slight problem that all elderly face: cancer... I mean old-age sickness. Knowing this, he searched for an appropriate vessel in which he could infuse with his heart. At first, he had his sights on the young and youthful Ventus. But, Ventus wouldn't embrace the Darkness as his master ordered, so No-Heart-X moved on to another potential candidate. Enter Terra, a Keyblade wielder that struggled to hold back his Darkness in the middle of his Mark of Mastery exam.

In an attempt to prove himself, Terra followed Master Eraqus's orders to strike down the Unversed, fledgeling emotions that feed on negativity. What he could not have foreseen was that they actually stemmed out of the masked boy known as Vanitas, the clone of Ventus that Xehanort forcibly extracted through his powers of Darkness.

After several misunderstandings and inadvertently helping most of Disney's cast of villains, Terra was tricked into fighting and killing Eraqus... with the final backstabbing coming from Xehanort himself. Then, after a cinematic scuffle between Birth By Sleep's protagonists and antagonists, Xehanort forced his heart into Terra's body. Though, Terra's mind still resisted, forcing the new Xehanort to develop amnesia.

You might be wondering why we're focusing so much of this backstory on Xehanort when we're supposed to be analyzing Riku. Well, it turns out that Riku's story intertwines a lot with Xehanort, specifically his Heartless. At the beginning of the first Kingdom Hearts game, Riku sought the exploration of other worlds alongside his childhood friend and rival Sora.

Somehow, this translated into a desire for dark, shadowy power and this attracted Xehanort's Heartless. This Heartless slowly took Riku over from the inside out. On the bright side, Riku could actually control some of the weaker Heartless and utilize a dark weapon similar to the Keyblade. On the down side, he missed his chance to be the true Keyblade's chosen one, and eventually lost control to Ansem the Seeker of Darkness.

But all was not lost for this young man. After a quick run through Castle Oblivion and uniting forces with King Mickey, he was able to minimize Xehanort's influence in his heart, while still having control over some of his Darkness powers. Though, using these powers too often caused him to take on the physical appearance of Xehanort's Heartless until an explosion in the World that Never Was fixed him up.

Good old Michael Bay remedy! Anyway, Riku tends to wield the Way to Dawn Keyblade in a quick, one-handed stance. Over the years, he's built up a lot of power in his muscles, allowing him to jump with a spring in his step and cut through freaking skyscrapers! What the *eff*?

While limited in some regards, Riku still has access to plenty of Darkness-fueled abilities such as the Dark Shield, a burning Dark Firaga, and a nearly invincible Dark Aura. With the Dark Aura, Riku can either rush around the field at incredible speed, or shoot his enemies with a barrage of dark bolts of energy.

Sometimes, this teenager is lucky enough to find potions to heal his health. Other times, he's not so lucky. Heck, luck hasn't been too friendly with him when it comes to his win-loss record against Sora.

Despite his flaws, Riku eventually took and passed the Mark of Mastery Exam set by former Master Yen Sid... and he helped set Kairi on the path to training in the ways of Keyblade mastery as well.

He's not so bad for an emo.

"I kind of need to wake Sora up."

"Don't tell me he's fallen asleep again."

"Yeah, what'll I do with him?"

All right, the combatants are set. Let's settle this debate once and for all.

It's time for a Death Battle!

A young man with silver hair and a yellow vest walks casually onto the scene. It's a dark, yet clear night as the moon peeks over the thin cloud layer. The young man passes by an old barn-type building. A tall, dead tree leads the way to the arena.

Suddenly, there's a scream from afar. The boy places himself against the tree and carefully looks around. A few corpses of uniformed men are thrown about the place in rather grotesque positions. In the middle of it all stands what appears to be a winged horse, giggling to herself like a mad woman. Her body is covered in what appears to be paint splatters, even though it's actually her hide.

"A Heartless?" wonders the young man, "But why haven't any of the bodies vanished as their hearts float into the sky?"

The pony-monster's ears flick at the voice and she turns her head. The boy decides to abandon his hiding place and runs out into the open. He holds up his left palm almost in an inviting manner. His right hand, however, is held high in front of his head. A sword that vaguely resembles a key appears in nothing more than a flicker of light.

The pony giggles as her neck randomly snaps two or three times.

"FIGHT!"

Painset Shimmercakes charges up an evil red glow at her horn. She promptly sends the magic blast forward. Riku just as quickly raises his left palm. A shield of darkness appears just in front of his hand. The blast attack explodes on contact, but doesn't seem to do any damage. Deciding to save the power for later, Riku lowers his Dark Shield and watches his opponent carefully.

He doesn't have to wait long. Painset's next move involves a blue-colored spell. Several hardware nails appear with their tips pointing right at the young man. Riku takes a jump just in time for the nails to impale a gravestone that is sitting behind his initial position. Quickly advancing, he swings his sword faster than any man should be able to with a weapon so big. However, just as it looks like he's about to hit the monster, she vanishes.

Riku looks around warily. He has no idea where the enemy is. Suddenly, a well-decorated cake with a single candle pops up to his left. It audibly says the word "cake". He tilts his head in confusion at the out-of-place baked good.

Painset appears behind him all set to cast something. However, she turns green all over, much to her dismay. She chokes up a huge orb that pops upon colliding with Riku's back. Now it's more difficult to say that his vest is actually yellow. But, his attention is returned to the important task as he turns around. He points his Keyblade further in front as something ignites at the tip.

A brief expression of worry crosses Painset's face before she folds her wings out in front of herself. Her colors somewhat blend into her surroundings as Riku's bolts of Darkness pepper against her. He stops his assault after a few seconds. Painset's colors return to normal as her wings shrink into her sides. Panicking, she calls on the first spell her addled mind can think of. The cake returns, but Riku cuts right through it.

Riku holds his left hand forth again. This time, the Darkness takes on a slightly different form. It resembles a concentrated fire that he proceeds to launch full force. After an explosion, Painset screams as she flies all the way across one row of tombstones. Riku quickly runs forth to finish the job.

That is, until his arms suddenly get covered by an orange glow. Painset giggles in one voice and then another as her neck cracks. The Keyblade falls to the ground and vanishes. It's quite difficult for the tiny stumps currently attached to Riku's sides to hold much of anything right now. He gasps as he looks back and forth at his arms before looking forward again.

Painset summons her magic nails again and shoots them. But though his arms are out of commission, Riku's legs certainly aren't. He jumps around, dodging the nails every which way. Despite the small size, he still conjures a Dark Firaga in his left hand and shoots it. But the pitiful dark spell is quickly overtaken by a much larger red magic blast.

This time, Riku gets sent flying along a row of tombstones. He grunts against the pain as he lies on the ground. His enemy trots up in determination.

"You thought you could trifle with the likes of me?" she asks rhetorically. "You don't have what it takes to face a god!"

Painset's body glows an eerie red while her eyes shine in pure yellow light. She looks ready to blow her stack.

"Darkness," whispers Riku.

Just as Painset releases a blast of pure rage, Riku does a back flip high into the sky. His outfit is altered to a much darker tone. His waist is covered by what looks like a skirt made of fur. But the most notable change is that his arms are back to a normal size. He gracefully lands and summons his Keyblade again.

"What?!" exclaims Painset as her UberCharge fades.

She tries to cast her orange spell again. However, the space she casts upon only contains an afterimage of the much faster Riku. The real Riku quickly rushes around the field, swinging and slashing against the exposed Painset Shimmercakes. He stops for a moment to plant his blade into the ground. A giant dark burst explodes under the pony-monster's hooves. This leaves her dizzy with several question marks flying around her head.

Riku spins around and thrusts his blade with the afterimages following his path. With a loud battle cry, he jumps up and swings his blade down with the combined power of his own strength, his Darkness, and gravity working together. Painset yells one last time as she's sliced into bleeding pieces.

The Darkness boost wears off, leaving the young man in his original outfit of a yellow vest. He rests his weapon against his shoulder.

"Is that all you got?"

"K.O.!"

In the after battle scene, Riku picks up a stack of papers labeled, "The Elements of Insanity, Story Script" and promptly tosses it. The pages are scattered everywhere.

Woo-hoo! Another Kingdom Hearts character wins!

There was a lot that Riku had to work against, and there were some variables that could work against him. But as with anything, "could" doesn't always mean "would". While Painset Shimmercakes has a plethora of lethal attacks working for her, she has yet to fully master them and easily loses focus.

On the other hand, Riku may get knocked around more often, but he can shake off damage much more easily. Plus, he's no stranger to the dark arts since he literally wields Darkness as a weapon. Sure, he can't copy other people's powers, but he can easily strengthen his own body and overcome the nasty side effects.

Besides, Riku has more consistently defeated those that have claimed to possess god-like power in the past. Whereas Painset has yet to defeat the ones she truly despises even with her new power.

Riku is stronger, smarter, and faster than Painset, even on her good day.

It's going to take a lot more than a single monster to stand a chance against the newest Keyblade Master.

Looks like this fight is Pain, Set, and Match.

The winner is Riku.