I walk quickly to Fluttershy's cottage to prevent myself from losing my nerve. The two impossible choices in my head battle for superiority, but neither has gained any headway. I've read in my advice books before that romance can be messy . . . but I've never experienced firsthoof what that means.
I wish that I had the rest of our friends here to help. Approaching Fluttershy's cottage feels like approaching a nigh unbeatable villain. But this time, there is no Rainbow Power or Elements of Harmony. My friends can't help me with this battle; Fluttershy and I have to face it alone. And one of us has to lose.
Damn my heart to hell for putting us both through this. Only because I can't find the means in myself to love the most important pony in my life. I wish that I could wrench my heart about and force it to adore the pony that the rest of me already does. I've also read in my books that the heart can be fickle . . . As I am discovering, it can also be stubborn, uncooperative, and stupid.
I almost lose my nerve when I see Fluttershy's cottage appear. Stopping for a moment, I take a deep breath, bracing myself for the conversation to come, and press on. I don't even make it halfway to the cottage before something bursts out of the front door and tackles me to the ground.
"Rarity, Rarity! I've missed you so much! Where have you been?"
I look up from the ground and see Fluttershy over me, a panicked look on her face. She's breathing quickly, and her mane is unkempt. She's clinging to me so tightly it seems like she's afraid that I'll leave again. She looks so vulnerable right now.
But worst of all, I see dried tear tracks on her face. Several new ones are being made right now as Fluttershy looks at me with her wide eyes, a mix of panic, sadness, and relief in them. This is what one week of absence has done to her, and I can barely stand to see her like this. What more pain will I cause to her now if I tell her that I can't return her feelings, either? It would kill her.
"Just, um, busy," I lie.
Fluttershy redoubles her hug, and I can feel moisture soak into my shoulder. "I didn’t know where you went. You never said anything when you left, you never answered your door, and you never came by to visit." Fluttershy looks up to me, hoof over her heart, lip trembling. I don't need nonverbal language to tell me how much pain she's in right now. "I thought you didn't want to see me a-anymore." Fluttershy unclenches her hoof and reveals what's under it.
It's the pendant I gave to her one week ago. Right before I disappeared and left her reeling without a word. Another pang of guilt strikes me in the heart.
Fluttershy lets the pendant dangle on her neck. She looks at it wistfully. “I’ve never waited so long at the spa before. Yesterday I sat in the waiting room for hours, just waiting, hoping, b-begging that you would show up.” She launches forward and buries her face into my chest again, her voice muffled. "But you're back. Thank goodness you're back!"
"I . . . I'm sorry, darling. I promise, I won't do it again," I say, stroking her mane and smoothing out the knots. I knew that Fluttershy valued my company—she said as much many times—but not this much. How could I ever reject her like this?
Fluttershy lifts her head and gets off my body, letting us both stand up. The tears are still flowing down her face, but she wipes them off and smiles at me. "C-can we go and meditate now? I've been so worried about you that I haven't been able to do it at all since you left." Fluttershy turns around and starts heading to the slab of rock on the ground.
I watch her go. My body is stuck in place, but my mind is racing. If I go with her, I'll be lost in meditative bliss. We'll have tea again and talk like this week never happened. Fluttershy's tears will be dried.
But I'll have lost my resolve. It was so hard to get it the first time; I don't think I would ever find the willpower to talk to her again. No, our issue has to be addressed, and it needs to be addressed now.
"I know you're in love with me," I blurt out.
Fluttershy jumps up and gasps. She stops halfway to the stone slab and remains motionless for several minutes.
The only sound I can hear is my own pounding heart.
Eventually, Fluttershy's head droops. Her hindlegs seem to fall out from under her as she collapses and sits on the ground. I rush up to her to offer my support.
"So you knew," she whispers. Her face is expressionless, her eyes lifeless and defeated.
I say nothing, biting my lip.
"I've been hiding my feelings for so long. I know you can read ponies really well now, but I hoped that I could hide this from you." Fluttershy lets out a shuddering sigh. "I guess I still have a lot to learn."
"How . . . How long have you felt this way about me?" I ask cautiously.
". . . I don't know. A long time."
My heart drops at the answer.
"I've always found you perfect, Rarity," Fluttershy continues quietly, and trembling I hear on every breath and every word makes me think that she may burst into tears at any moment. "You're so generous and hardworking and kind and confident and . . . beautiful." She puts a hoof on my side, looking at me almost reverently. "So, so beautiful. You're everything that I want to be."
I sit with my mouth agape, dumbstruck. I've been complimented by countless stallions before, but none more sincerely and heartfelt than Fluttershy just did. She really, truly does think that I am perfect . . . but she's wrong. If I was perfect, I could love her and spare her this heartache.
"Ever since I saw you for the first time, I knew that you were special. I was always so excited whenever I could find an excuse to spend extra time with you. It was wonderful when you first asked me to go to the spa with you, and it was even more wonderful when you wanted to meditate with me. That was when I knew that I loved you for sure." Fluttershy's bottom lip starts trembling. "B-but then, I saw you try dating Blueblood, and Trenderhoof, and so many other stallions. And I knew—" Fluttershy clenches her eyes shut, and two thick rivers of sadness trace their way down her face. "—that we could never be.
"Even now, I still love you, but I know you can't love me back. You're like a goddess to me, Rarity. Perfect in every way, but forever out of reach . . ." Fluttershy whispers, her hoof losing strength and slowly dropping from my side.
"But I failed you. I should have been able to hide my feelings from you so you wouldn't be hurt." Fluttershy looks at me pleadingly, tears still running down her face. "I'm sorry, Rarity. I tried."
I finally, finally find my voice. "N-no!" I cry. "Fluttershy, what are you saying? Why are you sorry about something like this?"
"Because I should have been able to protect you from this. I know that you’ll try to take care of me now, but you shouldn't need to feel pressured to love somepony you don't really love. I should have been able to hide my feelings so you wouldn't ever have had to know."
"But what would you have done, Fluttershy?" I shout, horrified. "Hidden your feelings away forever?"
"Yes," Fluttershy says at once. Her face is sad, and her cheeks are still wet, but they're full of an unbreakable strength and determination. "If it meant that you wouldn't have had to keep me as baggage in your love life. If it meant that you wouldn't have had to deal with the pain."
I'm shocked at what I know Fluttershy is about to do: she's going to make my choice for me. My own eyes are watering, and tears are threatening to fall from them. "Please, Fluttershy, don't do this to yourself," I plead.
Fluttershy only shakes her head and tries to smile. It's a horribly forced smile that breaks my heart to see. "I know that y-you're not interested in me, Rarity. I know that you don't l-love me," she says. She's trying so hard to be strong for me, but the tears still falling from her eyes and her broken speech betray the pain that she's experiencing.
Her smile starts to tremble. "I-it's okay, R-Rarity. D-don't worry about me. I-it's okay that we c-can't be—" Fluttershy clenches her eyes shut "—t-together . . ." she forces out. Fluttershy turns away from me, covering her eyes with her hooves. Her whole body shakes and convulses with her silent sobs. She's trying so hard to stay quiet, keeping her sacrifice to herself and not letting me see it.
She did all this for me. To protect me. I touch my own face; it's wet, too. But I should be happy, right? Fluttershy said that she's okay that I don't love her. She's rejected herself, and she's accepted it. There's nothing left to do but comfort her and go back to the way things were.
It's what my heart tells me is right, and yet it feels so completely wrong.
If there's one thing I can't stand, it's Fluttershy crying. She's in so much pain right now. The pain of a breakup . . . The breakup of a relationship that never even started but still means so much.
Fluttershy deserves to be happy. She deserves love, but she rejected it herself for years to spare me. If I hadn't discovered Fluttershy's latent feelings, she would have carried them to her grave. Just so I wouldn't have had to choose.
Fluttershy is too kind. She sacrifices herself for the good of others. She takes on other's pain so that they don't have to suffer in it. She made my impossible decision for me so that I could go off and have a happy life of love, free of her baggage. Meanwhile, Fluttershy stays in the background, cheering for me but hiding unfathomable pain underneath . . .
Something inside of me snaps.
I have something inside of me that could ease Fluttershy's pain. To hell with romance advice. To hell with my heart's misgivings. To hell with what the future may bring. I am the Element of Generosity. I give whatever I can to help my friends whenever they need it, and Fluttershy is much more than a friend to me.
I have something inside of me that could ease Fluttershy's pain. And Celestia be damned if I didn't give it to her.
I slowly step towards Fluttershy and wrap her in a hug. She's still crying, incapable of words, but I know she'll listen when I speak. She's always been a good listener.
"Oh, my darling, darling Fluttershy. You are kind . . . too kind," I whisper into Fluttershy's ear. Her sobs slow down so that she can hear me better. "You help everyone, no matter who it is, animal or equine, so that they can have better lives. You taught me your sacred skill of listening and meditation and let me share in it."
I lean in closer and nuzzle her, licking her tears away from her face. "And you buried your affections for me deep inside of yourself for so many years so that I could love freely." I use my hoof to move her face and direct it at mine. Her face is still mottled with tears, but I use my other hoof to wipe the rest of them away. Without them, she's beautiful. So, so beautiful.
"I am straight, Fluttershy, and I fear my heart will never let that change. But I need to do this. I need to try. I know that I will feel strange doing this with a mare . . ." I look at my companion and smile. ". . . but you are kind, Fluttershy. Too kind." I move my head closer towards her. Our noses touch, and our lips are half-a-hoof apart. "And I think it's time," I murmur, my eyelids lowering, "to give that Kindness back."
I close my eyes completely, and we join lips in our first kiss together.
. . .
This feels . . . right? Even though I am kissing a mare, which is contrary to everything I've ever done before. I expected disgust or repulsion, not a feeling of . . . contentment. Even though my heart should be screaming in protest right now. I am a mare, kissing another mare. An overwhelming sense of wrongness should be pervading my body, but all I feel is that this is . . . right.
I know that I've always loved Fluttershy, but I didn't think I loved her romantically. This kiss feels not like a leap over the chasm of romance . . . but a small step to advance the relationship we already have to another level. Just like our meditation sessions built our friendship further, this kiss is doing exactly the same: building our friendship . . . No. Building our love.
Oh, Fluttershy. How silly I was. I know that our bond has always been strong, but I had no idea just how strong it was. We are so close to each other that even the barrier of romance is not a barrier at all to us. I never needed to try to fall in love with you, Fluttershy, because I already did. The moment I met you.
Fluttershy, my sweetheart, I do love you . . . and in exactly the way that you deserve.
My heart, which has caused us so much grief this past week, lies quiescent and content. All it was doing was searching for love, and it seems that my relationship with Fluttershy is love enough and transcends a pony's sex. It seems that we've been together for too long for something as silly as that to come between us. I am straight. I do not love mares. But I do love Fluttershy.
Fluttershy's physical housing is not attractive to me. But everything kept inside her endears me. And that is enough.
We separate slowly, and I look into Fluttershy's eyes. She says nothing. Nevertheless, I can sense the unease sitting on her mind. Was she just trying to appease me? Or does she really love me? she thinks. I answer her unasked question with another kiss, this one longer and deeper than the last.
When we separate for a second time, there's a smile, a true smile, on Fluttershy's lips. I love to see that smile. I turn her around and walk her to the slab of rock on the ground, our usual meditation location. I direct her towards the serene river and have her sit on the rock. Once she's down, I sit behind her, flanking her with my hindhooves and embracing her with my fore. Slowly, I rest my chin on Fluttershy's shoulder in what will likely become one of our favorite new meditative positions. Fluttershy's heart beats into my own.
I whisper into her ear, "Our meditation is a little private corner of Equestria. But there's another that will remain forever ours." I nuzzle into her face, and she nuzzles back. I've always enjoyed the feeling, but now it is so much more meaningful. I continue, "That corner transcends the language we've studied for the last year. It transcends all sound." I place my hoof on Fluttershy's necklace and close my eyes.
"There, we'll study the language of love."